Hey y’all, this is a thread for your snarky pleasure. Entertain us with your jokes, limericks, funny stories, or whatever you feel like doing.
Thanks to nwmuse for finding this gorgeous picture. 
Filed under Critter Comfort - Hilarious Stuff, Opinion - Open Thread
Tags: nwmuse @ TPZoo, Zooey @ TPZoo
“The arc of history shows that governments which serve their own people, survive and thrive. Governments which serve only their own power, do not.”
President Barack Obama during an address in Moscow at the New Economic School, July 07, 2009.
H/T - HoR
"The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights––are not simply words written into aging parchment. They are the foundation of liberty and justice in this country, and a light that shines for all who seek freedom, fairness, equality and dignity in the world."
President Barack Obama during a speech, May 21, 2009.
“Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.”
President Barack Obama during a speech, June 4, 2009.
Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pressrow by Chris Pearson.
200 Comments
March 13, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Thank’s nwmuse..May I say this poor ass need’s his teeth floated..That’s horse stuff for filing so they mesh…LOL..Great shot though..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:16 pm
the audio that goes with this photo is AWESOME….
March 13, 2008 at 8:18 pm
What audio.? Damn, my puter sound must be off..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Is that ass passing gas Raven?
March 13, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Don’t know, I think it’s just rubbing it’s upper lip on the rail… and you know what that means…..
March 13, 2008 at 8:24 pm
No I don’t know what that means I’m a , sniff, city girl.
March 13, 2008 at 8:27 pm
It means the mosquitos are out.
Are you ready?
Relish the cool weather, it won’t be long now…
March 13, 2008 at 8:28 pm
It’s Spring Break here — so naturally, it’s snowing.
March 13, 2008 at 8:30 pm
We have got to move to better climates Zooey!
March 13, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I’m not a mosquito fan but they sure to love me.
March 13, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Hay Raven, not on any ranch I’ve been on….He’s umm ….Checking where the mare might be…..LOL..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:34 pm
There was this guy, and he was sooooo busy that he decided the best way to get everything done was to clone himself.
The cloning went perfectly, and he sent the clone out to take care of some of the things needing to get done. People never knew the difference, until one day when the clone starting using bad language. He man took the clone aside and explained that bad language was not acceptable, and that it needed to stop immediately.
The next day, the close started telling obscene stories to whomever would listen. The man was soooo embarrassed, so he locked the clone in the house. The clone went on and on, telling the most disgusting stories and jokes, and the man got tired of it.
He took the clone to the top of the Empire State building, and shoved him off. Problem solved?
Nope. The police were waiting for him when he got to the ground floor. Why?
For making an obscene clone fall.
March 13, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Grooooooooan. Did you see my Zebra?
March 13, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Everything is sex on a farm isn’t it #1?
March 13, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I see how this gonna go, you all are so fast I won’t be able to keep up…..When ya get to the third person stuff I will have to retire..LOL..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:40 pm
(applause, applause, bowing to Zooey) So what are the language rules here? I don’t plan on attacking anyone here, hell no. But, say, in the telling of a joke…?
March 13, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Yep! pretty much Shayne….Ah the memories of the farm life…Snicker…..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Anything but the c-word, Mr Evil. Name calling is frowned on, but jokes are encouraged.
March 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm
We’re fine with cussing we just don’t much like trolls.
March 13, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Zoo, I would hug you for your sweetness, while I’m looking at people behind your back with a face that says: OMG, what a bad joke!
March 13, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I’m sure you are closer to it, witch!
I was just making things up as I went along.
My experience at the fence with burros is that they want to smell exactly what I might be, just in case I am a mare. Otherwise it’s do I have anything for it to eat, and failing that, it wants the fingers…
March 13, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Juan said on the last thread that to become a critter I have to go through a “rite of passage.” Do I have to submit to a hazing ritual?
March 13, 2008 at 8:44 pm
The c-word?
C*cksuckerExley?
March 13, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I learned lonnnng ago to never use the c-word in the presence of women. The ultimate taboo! Not to mention a sure way to get a whiskey bottle broken over your head.
March 13, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Mr Evil, have you ever experienced the joy and/or abject terror of running a gauntlet of rubber chickens and slapping fish?
March 13, 2008 at 8:46 pm
No. Juan, that one is perfectly fine. It is the nasty word for vagina that is out of bounds.
March 13, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Heh, who hasn’t, Zoo?
March 13, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Do I have to submit to a hazing ritual?
Mr.Evil
Yes, you must stay up till all hours of the night at a cesspool party, at least until the screen blurs into oblivion. (hence the term ‘hazing’)
Extra acclaim if you continue posting past that stage.
March 13, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Zooey,
What’s the c-word cunt?
March 13, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Sayben, I know the word, but what exactly does it imply?
Something like a prostitute?
March 13, 2008 at 8:49 pm
No rite of passage. Zooey just likes to make the young ones like juan perform for her. Really if somebody comes around here a lot and wants to start contributing new threads to the site if they start by putting up links to new stories they can become a critter. But if you don’t have time to write threads than there is nothing different to being a critter than the regular posters do.
March 13, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Mr. Evil, ouch. That is definitely learning the hard way.
March 13, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Geez, Raven. Thanks for stomping all over my routine.
March 13, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Three priests decided to take the altar boys for a boat ride on a lake.
All of a sudden the boat starts taking on water.
The first priest says “Save the boys!”
The second priest says “Fuck the boys!”
The third priest says “Do you think we have time?”
Sorry if there are any Catholics offended. Just some Catholic humor from a recovering Catholic.
March 13, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Juan, I don’t know why it is so vile here. It really just means bitch but…a lot of people have a visceral reaction to it. I find it an awful word and I don’t know why.
March 13, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Mr. Evil, LMAO!!!
Kudos!!!
March 13, 2008 at 8:51 pm
You do it best!
March 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Penalty box, Walt!!!!
March 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Oh Mr. Evil, sabyen91 was JPark at TP before new registration.
Hey Walt, you better hide. Zooey’s coming to get you!
March 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Yes, Walt. Thanks.
March 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Ok, Sayben, thanks.
March 13, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Ritual’s are good…I do them all the time…..
Just giving you junk Raven,.Watch those finger’s them chopper’s can do some damage..Had a kid on my place that the pony bit on the butt once…Glad the parent’s knew their kid was a brat and teased the poney….He literly picked him up and gave him a shake while we were all there…The kid had two horse shoe mark’s on that butt for awhile…Could of cost me a bundle in insurance premium’s if it weren’t for them seeing it happen…Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I think Walt’s mind is, sort of, above of us all, so he probably sees bad words as funny vocabulary accidents.
March 13, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Good one, Mr Evil!
March 13, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Zooey, rubber chickens and slapping fish? I’ll bring the beer!
Raven, staying up all hours is my specialty. Did that come out right? Damn, I’m pushing the context envelope.
I hereby consider myself hazed, dazed and initiated. I’m an apprentice critter!
March 13, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Juan,
It is derived from cock sucker according to my military manuals.
March 13, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Hey, Zoo, could I get a link on the Critter posts so I have a place to pull em up if I want them?
March 13, 2008 at 8:56 pm
hey all… no jokes, but i wanted to post something and can’t get TP to load… remembered something about “new and improved” in the works, so figured they are down…
decided to log in just to tell you about this letter, in case you haven’t heard:
DeFazio to Clinton and Obama: Attack McCain, not each other
by Jeff Kosseff, The Oregonian
Wednesday March 12, 2008, 12:04 PM
WASHINGTON — Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Ore., today urged presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to stop attacking one another.
[...]
http://www.oregonlive.com/politics/index.ssf/2008/03/defazio_to_clinton_and_obama_a.html
March 13, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Walt, why do the military have a section about bad words?
March 13, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Mr. Evil. The context envelope has been ripped up, burned and scattered in the wind before. Don’t worry.
March 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Later. Going home.
Chau!
March 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm
That ass has bad breath.
March 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Jeebus, JP. You’re so demanding.
Heh. I’ll see if I can figure out how to do that.
March 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I’m an apprentice critter!
Welcome, grasshopper.
March 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Nice to see you, Juan. Give our love to the missus!
March 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Hey JP she hazed you two? That Zooey is a bad girl.
March 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
In the famous words of Alfred E. Newman, “what, me worry?”
March 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
katy, I heard that on the Rachel Maddow show. I was kind of annoyed that he used the MSM style fairness rule in the letter. As if Hillary and Obama have led the same kind of campaign. But I guess he had to if he wanted to ask for a cease-fire.
March 13, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Hi katy,
TP is down for the evening to make their switch for tomorrow.
March 13, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Juan,
So we do not use them in foreign countries. The Chevolet Nova (Does not go.) is one classic you might get.
March 13, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Zoo, no hurry. It would just be nice to have.
March 13, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Hi katy!
TP is out to lunch till tomorrow………
March 13, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Shayne, all the guy critters get the hazing. That is why we are so subservient.
March 13, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Night Juan.
March 13, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Night Juan, Blessings to you and your bride…
March 13, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Yup, TP is down. There are still some links still up, but no new comments are allowed.
March 13, 2008 at 9:07 pm
JP, muse will have to let me know how to add you and TRoS. It’s so simple, I can’t figure it out.
March 13, 2008 at 9:07 pm
juan is MARRIED?
March 13, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says “Open it up and we’ll have a dram.”
“Naw, ah’m goin’ tae save it for a special occasion.”
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. “Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?”
“Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!”
“Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend.”
“Aye, anything ye ask Angus.”
“When ah’m dead, wid ye take that bottle an’ open it up–”
“Aye, Angus, then what?”
“Wid ye pour it over ma grave?”
“Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It’s 40 year old Scotch! But I’ll do it for ye.”
“Oh, ye’re a real pal Jock, and ah’ll appreciate that.”
Jock says, “There’s just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?”
March 13, 2008 at 9:09 pm
An older couple from Colorado are travelling east for a vacation. The wife is a little hard of hearing so the husband usually has to repeat everything he says.
After a while on the road the man says to his wife, “I think I’ll stop and get some gas.” The wife replied, “WHAT?” The man repeated, “I’M STOPPING TO GET SOME GAS!”
She said, “Allright.”
While at the station the man told his wife, “I think I’ll go pee while we’re here.”
The wife said, “WHAT?” The man repeated, “I HAVE TO TAKE A PISS!”
She replied, “Allright.”
On the way back to the car the man noticed the station attendant looking at the license plate. He said to the man, “Colorado, eh? Only knew one babe from Colorado. Worst piece of ass I ever had.”
Just then the wife blurted out, “WHAT?”
Her husband replied, “HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Not yet, katy. We’re just giving him a hard time.
March 13, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I don’t think they’re married yet #1. I think Zooey is just being a byatch to poor Juan.
March 13, 2008 at 9:10 pm
When did you change your avatar Raven.? I just noticed…..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I like that one Zooey!
March 13, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I love it, Mr Evil!
March 13, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Jinx!
March 13, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Great Lady,
Raven just did that to make me nuts.
March 13, 2008 at 9:12 pm
That’s a good one Mr. Evil. Your’s too Zooey. And WE are not giving Juan a hard time YOU are.
March 13, 2008 at 9:14 pm
The Bronze Rat
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It
has no price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she must have it. She
takes it to the owner: “How much is the bronze rat?”
“Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story,” says
the owner. The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the
rat; you can keep the story.”
As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers and begun following her down
the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit
faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to
over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the
Bay.
She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the
thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming
towards her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay
and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all
drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. “Aha,” says the owner, “I’ll bet you
have come back for the story.”
“Actually no,” says the woman. “I came back to see if you have a bronze
Republican.”
March 13, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Shayne,
I just happened to get there first.
March 13, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Heh. Nice one, Merlin.
March 13, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Oh, merlinps, if it were only that easy!
March 13, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I’d pitch in for the bronze Republican.
March 13, 2008 at 9:20 pm
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “There are no fish under the ice!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No, manager of this ice rink!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:21 pm
i heard about the defazio letter on rachel’s show too… i was curious as to why she didn’t mention keith’s special comment (if she did, i missed it)… and i thought she might say something about the buchanan smack down too, but didn’t…
still, i think it might be working… to an extent…
i’m sure hillary has blown it, if obama can keep it together – AND STAY ON THE HIGH ROAD – but they do need to concentrate on pointing out the horrors of a future with mcSAME…
g’nite all…
oh, any ideas about what TP has in store?
i was last there 3 hours ago… anything new?
March 13, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Now that is funny Zooey. Hey my daughter and husband are blondes.
March 13, 2008 at 9:21 pm
A guy is parking with a girl. He says “come on, give me a hand job.”
She says, “I don’t know what that is.”
He says, “remember when you were a little kid and you used to shake up a coke bottle and spray it on your little brother? It’s that easy.”
She says, “Allright.” He takes out his cock and she starts. A few minutes later he screams, “AAAAHHHHHH!!!”
She says, “what’s the matter?”
He said, “Take your fucking thumb off the end!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Buchanan was on with Tucker Carlson and worse than ever today. What a jerk.
March 13, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Mr. Evil
March 13, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Oh, merlinps, if it were only that easy!
Actually, on Jan 20, 2009, we will be able to say that we had a bronze Bush. This election is going to be a piece of cake, and Bush is the reason. Why he even hung himself around McCain’s neck without our even asking him!
March 13, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Buchanan or Tucker? They are both jerks in my book.
March 13, 2008 at 9:24 pm
katy,
TP just said everything would be new tomorrow. They didn’t say how.
March 13, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Great joke’s all…You all heard the one about the old native american woman hitch hiker yet.? Well any way….This young girl is driving down the road and see’s this old indian woman with her thumb out…She stop’s and pick’s up the old woman….Laying on the seat between them is a big bottle of wiskey…The old indian woman ask’s her “What for”…The young woman say’s, I got it for my husband…..The old indian woman then replie’s “nice trade”……Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
“So what about my mother?” asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
“Well, then could I have a baby?” she wanted to know.
“Goodness no!” said the teacher, “you are much too young.”
“See!” yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, “I told you YOU didn’t have anything to worry about!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Heh. I thought some blondes would materialize after that one.
March 13, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Something seems fishy to me though. The neocons and other republican scum seem eerily confident and smug like they know something. I don’t trust them at all and don’t put anything past them. They are capable of anything ruthless.
March 13, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Excellent, Great Lady.
Heh.
March 13, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Jp
March 13, 2008 at 9:28 pm
You have to give them time Zooey.
March 13, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Hey all!
I used to date this guy who told me this happened in his freshmen biology class in college. The prof was talking about the makeup of semen and it being mostly sucrose (or some such sugar based substance) and one of the girls shouted out, “why is it so salty then?”
Everyone broke out laughing.
She never came back to class after that.
I don’t know if she was Perino blond, though.
March 13, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Shayne already said her hubbie and daughter are blondes. She’s gonna try to kick my ass. Too bad she’s too short.
March 13, 2008 at 9:30 pm
LOL! Very funny Zooey!
March 13, 2008 at 9:30 pm
MizzJ — ouch! Too hilarious!
March 13, 2008 at 9:31 pm
And here is a limerick for you.
A crafty inventor named Cass
Made a plucker for chickens, First Class.
But, it seems, and we quote ‘em,
The machine grabbed his scrotem,
And it plucked every hair from his ass.
March 13, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Pat Buchanan was as obnoxious as he was yesterday complaining how hard it is to be a white man. Tucker seems a little less insane now that he’s lost his regular job. And yesterday Scarborough was filling in for Carlson I think and was really sounding normal. Probably because he got his butt kicked on Bill Maher last Friday and the Carlson thing. Buchanan really needs to go the whiney bastard. He’s always screeching like a hyena.
March 13, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Hey MJ. Who says biology class was boring?
March 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hey, I don’t have time to read all of the jokes!
Zooey, the first one was a groaner! Mr. Evil, I liked your “3 priests” joke. I’ll have to go back and read the rest, but I just wanted to say hey! to everyone. I’ll try to think of a good joke, but I’m not so good at jokes.
March 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hey Merlin,
My joke, or the fact that Shayne’s too short to kick my ass?
March 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Who got his ass kicked on Maher? Damn, I wish I had that sometimes!!
March 13, 2008 at 9:34 pm
That joke was great #1. I’m going to get a step stool so I can kick Zooey’s ass. Otherwise I can only reach her kneecaps.
March 13, 2008 at 9:34 pm
And since the Clinton campaign is playing the race card…
There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year, because no one wants to wear the sash that says:
” IDAHO “
March 13, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Say Lady Z, when this thread get bigger could you add a new one for us to jump on?….Every time we get over the 150 mark it is a night mare scrolling and back hit’s…..O.K. Sorry, that was my wine for the night, any one got some cheese I can take with that and a few cracker’s would be nice..LOL..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I know, Jane. I got that one from my dad. He’s the King of the Groaners.
March 13, 2008 at 9:35 pm
How do you know if an auto mechanic has just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
March 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm
” IDAHO “
That was soooooo bad. Heh.
Of course, living in Idaho, I’ve heard that one a million times.
March 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Joe Scarborough. He was trying to go all talking points and he told this woman to let him talk and she said no I won’t. Something like that. She was one smart cookie. He was going all talking points and people kept shutting him down.
March 13, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Will do, Great Lady. I’ll keep an eye on it.
March 13, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Merlin, Larry Craig would probably love to wear that sash.
March 13, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Ugh, I think Mr. Evil is the King of Groaners here!
March 13, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Mr Evil,
Now Shayne is gonna try to kick your ass. How tall are you?
March 13, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Thanks, Shayne. Figures that’s on pay more cable.
March 13, 2008 at 9:38 pm
A woman goes into the store and tells the salesperson, “I need some batteries for my vibrator.”
The salesperson motions with his finger, “come this way.”
The woman said, “If I could come that way I wouldn’t need a damn vibrator!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Here’s one for you married folks:
Top ten things not to say on your anniversary!
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I’ve got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut you up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
March 13, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Zooey
March 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hey Merlin,
My joke, or the fact that Shayne’s too short to kick my ass?
Your joke! Sorry, I’m not into teasing. Raised in Queens NY and had enough of that to last two lifetimes. I’d rather be light, positive and playful. No one gets hurt that way. (Sorry if I sound too serious with this admission.)
March 13, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Short, only 5-9.
March 13, 2008 at 9:40 pm
No worries, Merlin.
If I stopped teasing Shayne, she’d think I was pissed at her.
March 13, 2008 at 9:41 pm
First blondes. My husband is an auto mechanic Mr. Evil but kicking Zooey’s butt is going to take me a while. And I’m not too short she’s too tall.
March 13, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Mr Evil sez:
Short, only 5-9.
In the land of Shayne-skins, that’s really tall!
March 13, 2008 at 9:42 pm
How tall is Madam Z?
March 13, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Bush Presidential Library
There’s a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here’re what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:
The Alberto Gonzales Room – Where you can’t remember any of the exhibits.
The Hurricane Katrina Room – It’s still under construction.
The Texas Air National Guard Room – Where you don’t have to even show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room – Where they don’t let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room – Where they don’t let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room – Nobody has been able to find it.
The War in Iraq Room – After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.
The K-Street Project Gift Shop – Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.
The Men’s Room – Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).
To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.
When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.
March 13, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I only pick on Zooey Merlin. Got to keep her in line.
March 13, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Mistress Z is 5′10″.
March 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Excellent, JP!! How’s my fav cheesehead tonight?
March 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Speaking of blondes…
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “fair’s fair. Here’s your money.” Bob replied, “I can’t take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and so I knew he would jump.” The blonde replied, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!” Bob took the money.
March 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Sorry about the groaners, but being a lifelong Metalhead, there just aren’t too many clean jokes in our circles. So all I have to offer are the dirty variety. Hey, but I did ask up front about language content. And I received approval. So get ready… more are coming!
March 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Funny, JP!
March 13, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Jeez, and here I thought you were 6′3”…which, btw, I have seen more of here than anywhere.
They grow them thar females big down here.
March 13, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Good one JP and would be funny if it wasn’t true.
March 13, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I luvs me some blonde jokes.
March 13, 2008 at 9:46 pm
So, how tall is Shayne? Or is that how short?
March 13, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Merlin, AWESOME!
March 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
No fair quoting from your divorce papers for jokes!
O/T, but for those who like this sort of thing (please seek professional help), I have a new song parody up on my blog about Eliot Spitzer’s little sex problem. Have a foot-stomping good time reading it. (It’ll help.) Give me a moment to dig up my joke file.
March 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
How tall are you MJ?
March 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Ah… The joys of modern technology…
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.
March 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
excellent merlin.
March 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I’m 5′1″ on a good day. sniff, sniff
March 13, 2008 at 9:48 pm
MizzJ, I’m the middle tall sister. My youngest sister is 6′1″, and my middle sister is 5′8″.
My men are 6′4″ and 6′5″. I feel so tiny around them!
March 13, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Watch it, I’m a fake blonde now (covering gray-ouch!), but at least I was born blonde, and I’m a not-stupid.
March 13, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Oh, just hanging out. Waiting for acceptance or rejection from college. And they keep asking for more information. I should have done this before I turned old
March 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
March 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Ah, petite Shayne.
March 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Shayne, it isn’t true. The Bush Presidential Library is going to be an outhouse with a copy of Left Behind.
March 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Merlin, I just got a visual of a guy with boobs hanging down on either side of his head.
March 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm
That’s cheap for something new from Apple!
(That’s my blonde imitation.)
March 13, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Way too many of the pages are going to be sticking together with all of the neo-cons visiting though.
March 13, 2008 at 9:50 pm
MsJ is 5′5 AND A QUARTER”!
JP, you are NOT old so stop it!!
And I have brown hair which my friend says is Artificial Intelligence.
March 13, 2008 at 9:50 pm
This one is bad… groaning expected.
What’s better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Walking
March 13, 2008 at 9:51 pm
No offense, Jane.
Shut up, JP!
March 13, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Hehe, Wayne.
March 13, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Good one Wayne. Zooey, you are twisted.
March 13, 2008 at 9:51 pm
LOL Good one Wayne!
March 13, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Mom is living in a nursing home. It’s one of the few good ones. As soon as she would lean over one way, they would rush up and right her.
A bit later, she would lean over the other way and immediately t hey would help her up again.
One day her son is there and he asks his mother how the home is. She says, “Well, it’s ok but they don’t let you fart!”
March 13, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Zooey’s channeling Pat Buchanan.
March 13, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Wayne, can I get that guy’s number?
March 13, 2008 at 9:53 pm
What do you get when you cross a pig and a Republican?
March 13, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Good one MJ frightening at the same time what with my mad cow and all.
March 13, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Now were into how tall we are?….Damn…I’m in the short, squaty body group..5 ft. 4in..and getting shorter…Use to be 5ft. 4 and a half….Soon I may be those measurment’s side to side instead of up and down…..See what you all have to look forward to…LOL…I just can’t keep up, I swear…..Blessings
March 13, 2008 at 9:55 pm
What do you get, gummitch?
March 13, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Nothing. Pigs won’t fuck Republicans.
March 13, 2008 at 9:56 pm
A Republican?
March 13, 2008 at 9:56 pm
LOL, true.
March 13, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Merlin, you need to get an avatar. I’m curious as to what you might use.
Zooey, none taken, of course.
Shayne, looks like you’re a little taller than me. These days I’m just about 5′.
March 13, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Smart pig.
March 13, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Not even after all the lipstick the Repukes put on them?> No justice.
March 13, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Okay, let’s play The Penis Game
Take a popular title of a movie, TV show, song, whatever, and substitute the word “Penis” (or a verb form of the word, it that is what is being substituted) for various words in the title. I will start you off. I freely admit that I copied this from somewhere, possibly a TP thread, possibly one of you originally posted it. The point is, I claim no credit for writing it, just for bringing it to this thread, where the theme seems appropriate.
I should warn you, though. It’s long.
The Man With the Golden Gun
The Man With the Golden Penis
The Man With the Penis Gun
The Penis With the Golden Gun
The Wizard of Oz
The Penis of Oz
The Wizard of Penises
To Catch a Thief
To Catch a Penis
To Penis a Thief
The Ten Commandments
The Ten Penises
The Penis Commandments
Casino Royale
Penis Royale
Casino Penis
Midnight Cowboy
Midnight Penis
Penis Cowboy
The Late Penis with David Letterman
It Happened One Night
It Happened One Penis
It Penised One Night
Penis Happened One Night
It’s a Wonderful Penis
How The Penis Stole Christmas
How The Grinch Stole Penises
Rudolph, the Red-Penised Reindeer
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Penis
(highest-rated cable news show) The Penis Factor
Anderson Penis 360
Penis Country (now Morning Penis)
Hannity & Penis
OLD TV SHOWS
Penis 5-0
Penisnet
Dragpenis
Penissmoke
The Penis From U.N.C.L.E.
My Mother the Penis
The Penises-in-Law
I Dream of Penis
Welcome Back, Penis
Welcome Penis, Kotter
Get Penis!
Penis Smart!
The Wild, Wild Penis
Mutual of Omaha’s Penis Kingdom
Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Penis
Penis in the Family
All in the Penis
The Wonderful Penis of Disney (IN COLOR)
The Wonderful World of Penis (IN COLOR)
The Dick Van Dyke Penis
The Penis Van Dyke Show
The Dick Penis Dyke Show
The Dick Van Penis Show
The Mary Tyler Moore Penis
Gilligan’s Penis
Penis Island
GAME SHOWS
The Penis is Right!
Hollywood Penises
The Joker’s Penis
The Penis’s Wild
Penis of Fortune
Wheel of Penises
March 13, 2008 at 9:58 pm
I used to date a homeless girl. It was great! At the end of the night I could drop her off anywhere!
March 13, 2008 at 9:58 pm
OK this one IS bad…
An Attorney’s Bad Day
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and moaned, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP!
The secretary turned on the machine and the paper went in perfectly.
As she did this, he said, “Great, I just need one copy.”
March 13, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Jane, I always pictured you really tall.
March 13, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Mr. Evil, that’s just…well, evil. But hysterical!
Oops, time for Daily Show–see ya later!
March 13, 2008 at 10:01 pm
No, Zooey, you’re factoring in the rolling pin I’m holding up!
Back after Jon.
March 13, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Jane E. Schneider
March 13, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Merlin, you need to get an avatar. I’m curious as to what you might use.
I thought I am one…
March 13, 2008 at 10:04 pm
OK Wayne.
The Family Penis.
(The Family Guy)
March 13, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Oooops! disregard the last 3 lines from that last bad joke. Bad cut and paste.
March 13, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Shayne, do you have any links to what you posted last night after I went to sleep? I would really like links. Thanks!
March 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Maverprick?
March 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Ok folks, new thread above.
My scrolling finger is wearing out!
March 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Mr. E, don’t forget The Penis Guy.
March 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Heh, I thought I had gone insane for a moment, merlin.
March 13, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Bill Nye, Joanne?
March 13, 2008 at 10:07 pm
The Last Dildo in Paris?
March 13, 2008 at 10:07 pm
And from Merlin, the great unbeliever comes…
Eve’s side of the story …
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
”So, how is everything going?” inquired God.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem.
It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they’re a real pain,” reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced.”
“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
“Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”
“Just fantastic, but for one oversight” she replied, “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”
Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
March 13, 2008 at 10:09 pm
JP, UGH!
I like The Last Penis in Paris (sounds cuter
)
The Penis Tango in Paris?
The Last Tango in Penis?
Hehe
March 13, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Yeah, I saw the movie. That wasn’t a dildo in Paris.
March 13, 2008 at 10:12 pm
A Jewish lady dies. They have the funeral at the synagogue. When the service is over the pallbearers are carrying the casket out and as they’re going down the stairs the casket bumps into the wall and they hear, “Aahhhh.” She’s still alive!
She lives 10 more then she dies again. Same synagogue and they have another service. The pallbearers are carrying out the casket the husband says, “Be careful of the fucking wall!”
March 13, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Yeah, just ignore the new thread above.
My finger is in a sling now.
**sniff**
March 13, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Merlin, LOL!!! That was excellent!
(sorry guys)
March 13, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Dana Perino is on The Daily Show. Does anybody have a barf bag?
March 13, 2008 at 10:21 pm
No kidding!
Shayne, did you see my post up above?
March 13, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Roach Motel
Penis Motel – Penises check in, but they don’t check out
Penis Motel – Penises check in, then check out, then check in, then check out…
American Penis
Penis Dad
From Adult Swim
Penis Brothers
Robot Penis
March 13, 2008 at 10:32 pm
As I understood the “rules” of the game, it was supposed to be confined to the word “penis”, and not any of its variants. (Not that any of the ones presented weren’t funny.) Just saying, is all. Just saying “Penis” is all. “Penis”
On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.
On the other hand, rules were made to be penises.
On the other hand, penises were made to be broken.
March 13, 2008 at 10:35 pm
New thread above, Wayne.
Unless you’d like some alone time.
Heh.