Ok, so I’m a day late for National Scotch day. It’s just how I am. 
The chimps are on duty — make sure you compliment them on their tiny tuxedoes. Many thanks to gummitch for purchasing all twelve of the tuxes!
If you fall for the “of course we have valet parking” routine, you’re walking home!
(gummitch did know he was buying those tuxedoes, didn’t he…?)
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Zooey,
You are right on queue for National Scotch Day. Yesterday was National Tequila Day.
Even better, Walt.
I look crazier than usual.
Chimps!! Bring me a margarita on the rocks — it’s National Scotch Day!
A Scotch Margarita? Yuck. Make mine a Rusty Nail.
No, wait. I’ve been listening to one of those most of the afternoon. Make it a Horny Bull.
Scotch margarita? Gross!
I thought that Gummy was buying us each a Lamborghini.
Zooey, I imagine you were working on getting this thread up and missed my post at 5:47 on the other thread.
My guess was on target!
You are right again, pachy.
I forgot to scroll down and catch up on the comments.
Zooey, I acknowledge your acknowledgment on the previous thread and would like to suggest 6000 kisses from a dragonfly’s wings (remember dragonflies have 6 wings ).
I need to get a cold drink before I tell you what the 75 year old man said to his 72 year old wife as he climbed in bed on the night of their 50th wedding anniversary.
But I’m ticklish, pachy!
I’m sure I could tickle your every fancy, Zooey!
I could get into a lot of trouble with that one, pachy.
Ah, let the wild rumpus start!
Walt, I think you’re supposed to buy your own Lamborghini with your Soros Bucks. Don’t tell me you haven’t been receiving your checks…
Has anyone seen db today? Can we go ahead and heap all blame on him?
Mom,
Are you telling me you’re the SAME spencersmom as on TP? Wow!
What are the chances of that!?
I think db is fair game.
If he weren’t cutting up fish, we’d have to pick on gummitch.
Remember the old game show “To Tell The Truth”? “Please tell us who you really are and what you really do.”
So, spencersmom, I can’t tell from your screen name, but I’m guessing that in real life you’re… (wait for it)…Dick Cheney in disguise!
Hi, Everybody? Mind if I stop by, or have I caused enough trouble on the Internets for one day?
Chimps, I’ll take a Coke on the rocks, neither shaken nor stirred this time, please, and please, for the last time, keep the banana. Thank you.
Hello, Schneiders!
Damn it, Jane (or can I call you jame?) you saw right through me! I’m Dick in Drag, closeted progressive and yet war monger who signs posts with “PEACE”.
Now that I’ve revealed all my true fake identities I can be stalked from blog to blog.
Wayne, you’re welcome here as far as I’m concerned, but you must first bring the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West. Any guesses who that might be? Or is she the Great and Powerful Oz? (hmm… name with both a “z” and an “o” – I think I’m seeing a pattern here…)
Zooey, getting in trouble can be advantageous later on.
I think it was Mark Twain who told the story of the owner of several riverboats working the Mississippi who was interviewing for a Captain for one of his boats. Two men applied.
The owner asked the first man about his experiences on the river, The man said he had been up and down the Mississippi many times over the years and never hit a snag.
He asked the second man the same question and was told that over the years he thought he had probably experienced every snag on the river.
The owner hired the second man, the one who had experience overcoming the trouble the job would entail.
So I say again Zooey, trouble can be educational. And may I say to you something Elvis sang:
If you’re looking for trouble,
you’ve come to the right place.
If you’re looking for trouble.
just look right in my face.
Trouble? With a capital T and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Zoo? (That stands for Zoo!)
Zooey, you sure have someone pretty riled up these days. And may I just say, how dare you ask for clarification and proof on the assertion that you’re a liar! Isn’t saying it proof enough?
Someone needs his meds rebalanced. Seriously, nine hours? It’s like being forced to sit with someone who just wants to discuss each ache and pain and test and procedure and surgery and growth, etc. and each time you try to change the subject, you’re met with a single sentence answer, then back to the litany of “woe is me.”
pachy, it’s probably a good thing I’m way across the country!
I find a lot of trouble on my own, I’d be in real trouble with help.
Mom, it’s amazing how I collect these nutcases. At least I can share this one with my “clique.”
Nine hours — and I was gone for seven of them. I was astonished to find that crap still going on when I got home.
“Sed-a-GIVE?!”
I love Young Frankenstein.
Jane, shame on us, watching a Fox channel, at the same time.
PS Where’s Wayne, will he be jealous that we’re laughing at the movie together?
Wayne’s right here, pachy, laughing with us.
Cloris Leachman is amazing, isn’t she?
Hi Wayne,
Cloris was great.
This scene with gene Hackman is a classic.
Scotch is nectar to us upper lower-middle class types – and Cloris Leachman ain’t so bad either. I especially loved her in High Anxiety…
“But I was going to make espresso!”
prim8, the glass coffee table scene in High Anxiety is my favorite.
I miss Peter Boyle. Can’t imagine going through life with a name like Cloris. Reminds me of the Mulva episode of Seinfeld.
Zooey, I hope your real life is less nut-magnetized. Why you? Must be the pithy one-liners.
Sorry I was away for a while. I was busy putting two more song parodies up on my Brain. One is the first song parody I ever posted about Bill O’Reilly (“Lying Man”), and the other is my latest about Bill O’Reilly (“Silly Petty Man”). Stop by when you get a chance. I hope you enjoy them.
I love that scene too Jane – High Anxiety was a very underrated movie, I thought.
Please excuse us for a few minutes. We’re about to see “Puttin’ On The Ritz”.
Ooper-Dooper!
Mom, I have no idea.
Maybe, since I have no actual life, I’m getting it double online?
Is dis da place where all the skulduggery is plotted?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!111!!!1!!!!!!
My sister sent me this one — it’s about as raunchy as she gets. Lordy, I miss the bad girl she was as a teen…
oh man, cesspool humor. I better find a chimp and get a drink.
Make sure the chimps keep their fingers out of your drink — and don’t set it down anywhere.
Med, enough with the pretext. Famed gumshoe and super sleuth ratted you out today for all the world to see today!
All future skulduggery will require the use of the patented George Soros Secret Decoder Ring, which, by the way, is available right here for just 4 easy payments of only $199. But if you act before the end of this post, we’ll slash one payment off the already low purchase price. This one-time offer expires soon, so act now. Have your credit card ready!
I’ll ask for it in a sipper cup.
That he did. Btw, what’s a credit card?
Secret Decoder Ring….cooooooool.
The 75th Anniversary
The couple had eloped 50 years ago, and had been married at City Hall. Their honeymoon consisted of two nights at a motel that offered “Steam Heat” and their wedding meal had been Southern Fried Chicken.
They raised two sons and a daughter and put them all through college for both undergraduate and graduate degrees.
On their 50th anniversary they renewed their vows in a church ceremony and the sons and daughter had a reception for 100 people. After the reception the seniors had a limousine take them to the finest hotel in town, where they were booked in the honeymoon suite for a week. All paid for by their children.
Among the gifts they received was a supply of Viagra, which the groom had requested from his one son who was a doctor. Having started taking one the day before and another at the reception, by the time they got to the hotel he was feeling ready.
Fifty years ago he walked outside to have a smoke while she got ready for bed. This night he walked into the sitting room while she “got ready”, which was simply a matter of taking off her clothes and getting under the covers.
Once she was in bed, he returned to the room and took off his clothes, like he had done 50 years before. Then he walked to the bed and pulled the covers back to look at his bride, just as he had do so long ago. But this night, before he climbed in bed with her, he sighed and put his hand over his heart.
“What’s the matter”, she asked?
“Fifty years ago it looked good enough to eat”, he replied, “Now it looks like it could eat me”!
Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!
Rude one, pachy.
I’ve heard a similar one where the man says at the end: If I’d killed you the first time I wanted to, I’d be out by now.
Zooey,
Bernard Madoff’, 71, was sentenced to spend the next 150 years in prison recently. He will be at least in his third life when he gets out unless he has dominant genes he inherited from Methuselah or is resurrected as a tortoise.
This is one of my all-time favorite not so dirty jokes:
A couple goes to a motel for a quickie. After they were done and getting dressed, the man says “If I’d known you were a virgin, I would have taken my time.” The woman replies, “If I’d known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.”
Three couples want to join the Catholic Church so they go through all the classes and at the very end the padre tells them their final test is to abstain from sex for a month. They all are surprised but promise to do so.
A month later they meet with the priest again and he asks how they did.
The first man says the first 3 weeks were easy but the last week was a true test of their faith but they made it. The priest welcomes them to the church.
The second says the first 2 weeks went well, the third week was sort of rough and the last week required lots of praying but they made it. Another welcome.
The third man says “Well, the first day was ok, the second was rough but on the third day neither of them could stand it anymore so when the little woman bent over to pick up a can of peas, I had to jump her.”
Aghast, the priest says, “I’m sorry, my children but we can’t let you into the Church.”
The man shrugs and answers, “Don’t feel bad, they won’t let us into the A&P anymore either.”
So naughty….I love it!
My mom told me that joke. I almost dropped my teeth. She’s 79.
Med, I love your mom.
I have a question for any critters here tonight who have Comcast cable service. The TV listings on the TV Guide channel are announcing channel changes on August 11th. I was just wondering if Comcast was making channel line-up changes in other markets.
Well, guess what is now showing on FMC, again!
And we’re back. Almost both of us.
Great movie that “Young Frankenstein”.
I’ve gotten a couple of decent jokes from my Comedy Central Joke of the Day e-mail. I’ll go find one. BRB
pachy,
We have Comcast (Southern NYS), and strange things are happenign right now. I was just watching Channel 23 (to watch Bullwinkle) and the picture went out on the TV in the computer room that doesn’t use the converter box, but the one in the living room that does use the converter box is still getting “Bullwinkle”. I think we just lost a channel from our line-up. That sucks.
I told she shouldn’t be hanging out at the Bingo parlor. She just grinned and told me she heard it at the casino.
Feisty!
A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”
The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
“Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”
*groan*
Is anyone experiencing this weirdness at TheZoo? I post a comment, and as the screen refreshes, the comments start scrolling back up by themselves, without me touching the keyboard.
That would be a Thumbs Down, eh Zooey?
That’s okay, I didn’t write it. I’ll try to find a better one.
That weird scrolly thing happens to me sometimes, Wayne.
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.”
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.”
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband. He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.’”
Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.’”
Later that afternoon, the teacher’s husband calls and happily says, “When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was ‘We are going to do this over and over until we get right.’”
Okay friends, I must be going to bed. I have a large ziploc of worms and dirt in the fridge for an early morning fishing trip. We do love our compost pile!
G’night all! It’s been an interesting day.
night, mom.
Good one, Wayne!
Goodnight, Mom.
Wayne,
I thought it was my gear doing that. Everything else is acting ignorant today.
And yes, Wayne. I get the weird scrolling action.
smom, so you got your lunch, what are you using as bait?
Jane is quick, as usual.
I’m just tired…
I’m afraid I’m going to have to head out as well. Y’all have fun.
Goodnight, Med!
Thanks for carrying that troll-bashing scepter so well.
Ditto on the hiccup scrolling.
Good one about the 3 couples Wayne.
Oh, sorry everyone’s going to bed. I suppose it is getting late. Good night to those turning in.
Yeah, it’s been a weird day. See y’all tomorrow.
Zooey are you aware that the Saint on the TP limpbaugh thread learned to spell that word from you?
You are such a great influence to many people and a dragonfly or two.
Which saint, and which word, pachy?
I’m wimping out here…
Ohhhhh, that saint, and f uck.
Thank you so much, pachy. I’m glad I’ve been able to influence another’s ability to get around silly word bans.
I must confess Zooey, that exchanging posts at 12;45 AM with someone who is at 10:15 PM can do strange things to one’s perception and vice verso. I hope you understand what I’m saying even if I’m not sure as to what I mean.
It’s not even 10 pm yet, but I think I’m as tired as I would be at 12:45 am.
That is kind of weird, isn’t it?
I have a friend in London, and that’s an 8 or 9 hour difference. Mind boggling.
When you get that weird scrolling action, do you notice what looks like a target with a slash through it? If so, it is a feature of Yahoo or Google adaptations of IE7-8. Seems that MS has installed a bug affecting those providers.
Mom,
Enjoy your breakfast! Do you use salmon roe, minnows or crayfish for bait?
I don’t see anything like that on my screen when that happens, Walt. It just moves up or down a couple comments and stops.
Kinda makes me feel sea-sicky.
Sorry to wimp out early, guys, but I’ve had a busy day.
Thanks for the jokes!
I never did get my margarita…damn chimps. They are not getting paid.
No target here Walt, using Firefox.
Zooey, the morning after coming home drunk late a man’s wife asked him what time he came in.
“Oh, about a quarter of twelve”, he told her.
“You’re a damn liar”, she told him, “I heard the clock strike three.”
“Well”, he said, “Ain’t that a quarter of twelve?”
Goodnight Zooey, enjoy thinking about those 6000 dragonfly kisses.
I am sort of happy but sort of freaked out as I had a blast at a seaside club with my god daughter tonight. When did she get to be 22…
Looks like you all had a fun party. Sorry I missed it…
I’m all out of Scotch, I’m so lost without it
I know it weren’t right, drinking for so long
I’m all out of Scotch, what am I without it
I must be hung o’er to say that I was so wrong…