The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 18, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Three

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This is our third installment of our multi-part series on Corporate Person Hood. Here at The Zoo, our investigative reporters have learned that the Person Hood movement is expanding. Once relegated to the large, multi-national for-profit corporations, there is now a crass-roots movement to recognize small corporations, those with 25 or fewer shareholders, as people, too.

Lawsuits on behalf of Limited Liability Corporations are being contemplated, arguing that the 14th amendment, which prohibits discrimination, should be interpreted to prohibit discrimination based on size. “Size, when it comes to a Corporation, really shouldn’t matter.” said one attorney, who chose to remain anonymous. “A one-member LLC is still a corporation, and that corporation is a person. Mitt Romney said so.”

Not to be outdone, religious non-profits are claiming being excluded from Corporate Person Hood is religious discrimination. “After all, we represent the Body of Christ” a spokesperson for several denominations claimed. “His Body on Earth must be recognized as a Person.” That interview was cut short as the representatives from various denominations began fighting amongst themselves as to which one should be recognized as Christ’s Corporate Person Hood.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD

IF YOU WERE A CORPORATION, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR CORPORATE PERSON HOOD?

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136 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 18, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Three”

  2. If I incorporate myself as a Subchapter-S, does that mean I’ll get huge tax breaks and maybe a billion or two in government subsidies, maybe a ‘bailout’, just like the big guys? I mean, if “size doesn’t really matter” and all, why not?

    On another note, a silly question: who the fuck is Ted Nugent? The MSNBC airwaves were full of him this morning about a speech the idiot gave at I think the NRA convention, about how the Secret Service is now checking some stuff about him, etc. I’ve heard the name before, also associated with something stupid he once said or did that I can’t recall much about, but have no idea who he is or what he does/did, and no one so far has revealed anything about him other than how stupid he is. Who is he? He looks dumb enough (and sounds dumb enough) to have been maybe a Country singer or something … which I suppose would explain why I have no idea who he is or what he ever might have done.

    Anyone know his story? Does he even have one?

  4. Good satire is so close to the truth that it takes a lot of convincing that it is not – I’m still not convinced that post is satire :)

    • I’ll not be revealing my sources. You’ll just have to take my word for it, everything I wrote is absolutely, 100%, what I wrote.

  5. Hey! I was once a sole proprietor! Or was that a soul proprietor? Anyhoo, that makes me a corpersonation

    • Being a ‘soul proprietor’ would make you a televangelist, wouldn’t it?

  6. What’s Herman Cain up to, besides making insane ads and cashing in – even if he can’t draw a crowd:

    “[Cain's life] compares awfully well to the no-end-in-sight tragedy that is Newt 2012. When he left Congress, Gingrich started founding think tanks and holding conferences that people actually showed up to—the strategy that Cain is Xeroxing. Those think tanks, now Newt-less, are shutting down. Running for president doesn’t give Gingrich space in the media to share his grand ideas. It gets him headlines about being bit by penguins. The life of the professional has-been is sweeter than the life of the has-been candidate.”

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2012/04/herman_cain_remains_a_tea_party_favorite_even_as_a_failed_presidential_candidate_.single.html

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/weigel/2012/04/16/herman_cain_rally_at_the_capitol_fails_spectacularly.html

    • He’s still sportin’ the yellow tie!

      Chris Burgdon, Cain’s cowboy-hatted videographer, boards another one of the six chariots and tells its occupants to get revved up.
      “Gimme a 9-9-9!”
      9-9-9!
      “Now say, we’re not stupid!”
      We’re not stupid!

  7. This song is not suitable for work or children, but is extremely suitable for Mr. Nugent:

    • I’m paying my share too, we’re the class of people they refer to as “marks” or maybe “suckers”!

  9. If I was a corporation, I’d move my HQ to somewhere tax-friendly, tropical and unlikely to be invaded by US marines anytime soon.

    • Welcome to Switzerland then, what with global warming, we’ll manage tropical in a jiffy.

  13. My cat won’t eat hardly any fish or seafood now. Chicken or turkey is about all he will eat.

    • This wasn’t a smartphone in the first place. I had to replace my old phone about two weeks before I got this job, or it would really be a smartphone.

  15. Did anyone else catch this? Tony Perkins, a professional homophobe who founded his own hate group, has an interesting take on the Secret Service hooker scandal. It’s all because of gays in the U.S. military. I think that I would bog down the WP server if I listed all the ways that this idea is utterly insane.

    http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/tony-perkins-open-homosexuality-caused-secre

    On a realted note: Has anyone figured out when the people in charge of the SS detail were hired? The Secret Service is a career job and I would doubt that anyone who has only been there 3 1/2 years would have much authority. Plus, since the Reich-wing media hasn’t mentioned who was in charge of the detail, I’m tempted to conclude that the supervisors date from the Bush Administration. Wil a new Monica Goodling be brought forth? Or, is the SS too secret for those in charge to ever be exposed?

  16. [Talk about your scams..this letter of course is very personally addressed to "Current Occupant"]

    “Look into Jesus’ eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it.”

    “God’s holy blessing power is in the enclosed anointed prayer rug of faith we are loaning you to use!”

    (this is a 17″ x 11″ piece of PAPER with the proverbial “crown of thorns, long haired Jesus)

    • I got one of those before, it was beyond creepy. I sent them back a nice note saying it smelt of forbidden sorcery and that I thought perhaps the people of St. Matthews’s were possessed by demons. Not that I believe it was anything beyond a scam to get money, I just felt like messing with them a bit.

    • How do we know that it’s Jesus? I mean it could be Russell Brand, or maybe Charles Manson? Che wears a hat with a star on it, that’s how we know its him.

  17. Good old lunatic Bill Donohue, always good for a laugh:

    “This episode of “The Daily Show” was done to protest Fox’s alleged indifference to the “war on women,” and in doing so Stewart not only made a vulgar attack on Christians, he objectified women.

    We are asking Stewart to apologize. If he does not, we will mobilize Protestants, Jews, Mormons and Muslims to join us in a boycott of his sponsors. Moreover, we will not stop with a boycott; there are other things that can be done to register our outrage. We are prepared to spend the money it takes to make this a nationwide issue, and we are prepared to stay the course. Tomorrow we will have something definitive to say, one way or the other.”

    They are going to boycott Jon Stewart because he said “vagina manger.”

    SRSLY..

    • They haven’t boycotted The Daily Show yet? Haven’t they been paying attention or are they just so fuckin’ stupid that they didn’t realize that Mr. Stewart has voiced his utter contempt for God-botherers since his very first show?

        • Thanks! Now I feel old because my eyes and reflexes aren’t up to it any more!! Now I get my kicks by flying around, slowly, and just staying up in thermals. I got 8 minutes with a 30 second motor run yesterday and even flew formation with a hawk for a couple minutes before it got bored.

          Actually, we who flew in San Diego back in the 70′s were at the forefront of dynamic soaring. When the wind was so strong it would have ripped the wings off our purpose designed gliders we would take the propeller and wheels off of our aerobatic planes and toss them off the cliff. By the time I left in 1975 some were building fiberglass gliders that would outperform the aerobatic planes and probably go about 100mph. One guy, an instructor pilot in the U.S. Navy, built one that set an official speed record at around 140. He used to fun us by climbing till the plane was just a speck, yell “head’s up!”, and dive just in front of us. It would howl like a motor shell in a movie.

  18. If I were to incorporate, I think I would like to go parasailing. Apparently, though it is much more lucrative to become a Super PAC… you can spend that money any way you would like.

    • Shit, I read this too quickly. I thought it was Dick Cheney. I’m ashamed to say how I felt about that.

      • Sadly… DC is still with us, and some think that HE was definitely replaced by a cyborg…. I kept thinking that when DC got his new heart, if it was my loved one that was the donor… how horrible that would be to know that this man got my loved one’s heart and my loved one was gone…that man who has caused so much evil in the world… how do you deal with that?
        …I am ashamed to admit that…

  21. Dang – the spam bin seems still be enamored of my posts. Wonder if it may be the link..
    let me see..

    106th anniversary of the Great Quake

    For 1906 earthquake survivors, a day to remember

  23. Should we always ‘Buy American’? | Fox News

    San Francisco’s BART subway system has adopted a “Buy American” policy as it makes plans to start replacing its cars. BART plans to spend $3 billion on the upgrade and says it will give first preference to rail cars made in the US with parts primarily manufactured here, too. Do you think the transit system is making the right call?

    Not sure. Couldn’t the cars still be manufactured by a foreign-owned company? 4.82% (307 votes)

    Yes. It makes sense to spend money here to create jobs here. 76.22% (4,856 votes)

    No. Riders deserve the best cars made, no matter where they’re from. 17.3% (1,102 votes)

    Other (post a comment). 1.66% (106 votes)

    Total Votes: 6,371

    Oh, where to begin…

    I wonder how many who said Yes will be voting for Mitt “Ship Jobs Overseas” Romney?

    I wonder how many shop at Walmart and ever bother to turn over the item they just bought to find out it was made in China. Or even a Muslim country like Pakistan?

    • I wonder how many shop at Walmart and ever bother to turn over the item they just bought to find out it was made in China. Or even a Muslim country like Pakistan?

      That says it all right there!

      • A joint venture between two American companies, American Bridge and Fluor Enterprises, won the prime contract for the project in early 2006. Their bid specified getting much of the fabricated steel from overseas, to save money.

        California decided not to apply for federal funding for the project because the “Buy America” provisos would probably have required purchasing more expensive steel and fabrication from United States manufacturers.

        “I don’t think the U.S. fabrication industry could put a project like this together,” Brian A. Petersen, project director for the American Bridge/Fluor Enterprises joint venture, said in a telephone interview. “Most U.S. companies don’t have these types of warehouses, equipment or the cash flow. The Chinese load the ships, and it’s their ships that deliver to our piers.”

        Despite the American union complaints, former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Republican, strongly backed the project and even visited Zhenhua’s plant last September, praising “the workers that are building our Bay Bridge.”

  25. I just had to know where Allen West went to school. He has a BA from University of TN, a masters in political science from Kansas State, and a masters in military science from Army’s staff college. :shock:
    So, besides being a war criminal, was he just a poor student or is he the victim of early onset dementia?

    • “I paid a feller from Washingtown $10.00 to learn me my letters but it didn’t do no good.”

      –Hahry T. Hawgwash Sr.

    • Where he went to school may have been influenced as much by finances and acceptance as it is by choice. But where did he grow up? That could be very revealing.

    • Believe it, or not, they’re the same crabapple trees from the hoar frost picture I used in February.

      The fish are doing well, thank you, despite being a little neglected since I rediscovered my passion for model planes. Actually, allowing the plants to run rampant improves the water quality but I still have to do a major “weeding” before the fish run out of space.

  27. A work rant:

    Don’t you hate people that give you a task just as your winding down your day? And then this task must be completed by Friday at noon when it’s Wednesday? And you know you can’t work on it after hours? And then this task is to enter a budget into the system that is 1000+ lines long? And then shortly after that you get two calls regarding crashes in the system? Now the good news is that the system is mine, so while I’m enjoying watching hockey tonight with a friend, I will think over some methods to put the budget in through the back door – front door with 1000+ items would take – 1 minutes per entry (if your fast) = 1000+ min = 16+ hours. As for the crashes, meh, I fixed those.

    /rant off

    The good news is on May 1 we go to New York for a holiday. The light is getting bigger.

    • My least favorite thing in the world, aside from violence, is being assigned a task and then denied the tools and/or authority to accomplish said task.

    • “Everything old is new again.’
      The material patterns are so reminiscent of the late 60s and 70s.

      • It’s SO soft and lovely.

        When I found it, I asked the lady how much she had on the bolt. She said 3 1/2 yards, so I bought all of it. :)

  30. Hey, I got a response to one of my job applications!

    Due to an insufficient number of qualifying applicants applying for _____, we are re-advertising this position for [an] additional two week period.

    My app will remain on file. *face palm* I am more than qualified for their stupid job.

  31. BnF, thoroughly delightful and brilliant, as always!

    …there is now a crass-roots movement to recognize small corporations…

    Very clever!

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