The Watering Hole: Saturday May 12, 2012 – Funny Headlines

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I love inadvertently funny headlines. In some cases, the people who wrote these headlines should really have taken a moment to see if they said what they meant them to say. Sometimes the headline is accurate, but the story itself is just too funny. Enjoy these.

I can think of better ways to spend a quarter-million dollars

Does he get a headache when he stubs his toe?

They needed a study to figure this out?

I wonder if they knew what a mausoleum was for before they demolished it.

Yeah, I didn’t care about the rally, either.

Um, I think they’ll find similar results for ages 20-24, too.

Were these guys working on a mausoleum earlier?

Because the helper monkeys just weren’t working out.

The NYPD is just getting completely out of control now.

There’s nothing as exciting as the sound of darkness creeping over the village.

He’s dead. It’s a miracle!

This is our daily open thread — discuss one of the above funny headlines, or whatever’s on your mind!

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102 thoughts on “The Watering Hole: Saturday May 12, 2012 – Funny Headlines”

  1. The Anatomy of a Jokester – NYTimes.com

    But about the hair-cutting story. When Mitt was asked about it, he said he did not “recall the incident.”
    This puts a whole new spin on things. The idea that Romney could have absolutely no recollection of this event is way more shocking than the incident itself. Did he engage in this sort of behavior so often that things just sort of ran together?
    I don’t believe he’s that lacking in feeling. So I propose that we give him the benefit of the doubt and agree that he is lying through his teeth.

    Agreed! Mitt’s lying through his teeth.

    • While I agree that stupid shit we did in high school should not be held against us more than forty years later, in this case it shows that Romney has a lifelong pattern of being a dick. The irony is that for all their homophobic rants, RWers like dicks. Go figure.

      • By and large I agree that stupid stuff when people are kids are off limits. If, those activities are somewhat common among kids that age. If the activity is not common, then I think it’s fair game. Holding someone down to cut their hair doesn’t strike me as all that common.

          • Throwing something, even a punch that’s normal kid stuff. Holding somebody down while they’re crying and not stopping. That’s weird. And he didn’t even get disciplined. On Top Chef on Bravo one of the finalists got kicked off the show for threatening this really dickish chef with a hair cut then letting him go.

      • Mitt was a rich kid, privileged, the son of a corporate executive who was also a (Republican) politician; he went to an exclusive and expensive private school, was raised as a Mormon, then did his time ‘living in poverty’ in France as an LDS missionary. OF COURSE he’s a dickhead! And he always will be. A. Dickhead. He has no choice in the matter, never has had a choice, never will.

        • I thought they lived in really nice quarters, with expensive cars (Mitt crashed 2) and a chef and all.

    • Mitt Rmoney is an arrogant prick and it’s a dead cert he’s always been an arrogant prick. I’m sure he never saw this as a big deal. I’m equally sure that any kid that was effectively mocking the pack was due for a beat down. Remember, there was never a whiff of punishment. I’m inclined to believe Mittens when he says he doesn’t remember it. He may have a vague memory, once reminded, but that it’s no different than the time you farted in class and didn’t get caught.

      • I don’t believe anything he says. Too many others remember this incident for the perpetrator to forget. Him harassing the blind teacher causing him to walk into walls shows he had a pattern of meanness so maybe he did things so often he might forget one.

  2. On a video clip played on Up, earlier, Romney is shown in front of a background with Oklahoma Republican Party logos. He said this about the gay marriage issue: “I uh… I have the same view that I’ve had… uhhh, since, well, since this running for office.”

    I had to go back and get this quote, because it’s just so Romney.

      • I think his real motivation of wanting to be President, is just so he can say he was President. I think it’s the only reason he ran for governor, as a stepping stone to run for President. Maybe to show he was better than his dad, who ran but didn’t get the nomination.
        W wanted to show his dad he was better than Jeb, and that’s partly the same motive. That’s why I really hope Romney doesn’t get in, because he would be every bit as bad as W.

  3. “Let me say this, 3,000 years of human history shouldn’t be discarded so quickly.” — Mitt

    We’ve waited 3,000 years. I think we’ve waited long enough.

  4. Wow. Talk about denying reality.

    http://www.care2.com/causes/former-head-of-family-research-council-says-obama-has-a-woman-problem.html

    I like this quote:

    “Bauer’s claims that Obama doesn’t respect or value women, especially in the workplace, is ironic considering Bauer’s own role in a movement intent on keeping women in the home caring for children.

    Yeah, Obama has such disrespect for women in the workplace that he appointed a woman to be Secretary of Labor. I mean, how disrespectful can you get?

    • Nominated two women to the Supreme Court also. Plus Katherine Sebelius as Secretary of Health and Human Services.

        • Unless they’re born with something that makes them less able to think intelligently, they just get that way. Recent studies have shown that when people do not put much thought into something (intentionally or not), they tend to end up with conservative viewpoints. But when they put some thought into it, their resulting views tend to be more liberal. One of these studies was done on people imbibing alcohol, and others were done with people being asked to come up with an answer as quickly as possible. In all of them, the key was how much thought (or effort at thinking) they put into the questions. The less thought, the more conservative their answers were; the more thought, the more liberal.

          For me, that explains a lot.

  6. Next thing you know and wimmin will want to be priests. I mean, yukko on this equality shit.

    School forfeits championship rather than compete against girl

    You play an entire season, bust your butt on the field of play, give up fun activities to get in more practice—then at the biggest point in your career, you give up a chance at the championship just because of a player on the opposing team?

    Essentially, that’s what happened in Arizona:

    Phoenix Catholic school forfeits baseball championship game because opponent has female player

    A Phoenix school that was scheduled to play the 15-year-old Mesa girl and her male teammates forfeited the game rather than face a female player.

    Our Lady of Sorrows bowed out of Thursday night’s game against Mesa Preparatory Academy in the Arizona Charter Athletic Association championship. The game had been scheduled at Phoenix College.

    Paige [Sultzbach], who plays second base at Mesa Prep, had to sit out two previous games against Our Lady of Sorrows out of respect for its beliefs. But having her miss the championship was not an option for Mesa Prep.

  7. I have to go with Gawker’s assessment on this one. Most deranged anti-gay diatribe ever. The guy sitting behind her is absolutely hysterical. Srsly, watch this.

  8. I just had to rescue a baby mallard from our Cecilia. Oddly she found it in the front yard (or at least that’s where I discovered her with the duckling), whereas our pond is at the bottom of the back yard. Sometimes geese or ducks with their babies will walk from the pond, through the yard, across the street, and down to the swampy stream that feeds into the Great Swamp, and vice versa. I have no idea which way the baby’s family was going, so I brought it back down to the pond. The duckling seemed to be past the completely downy stage, but not quite to the fledgeling stage. I can only hope that the poor thing gets reunited with its family, and doesn’t end up as some snapping turtle’s snack. I felt terrible leaving it on its own, but I wasn’t sure what else to do with it. :(

    • Earlier this week, “my” backyard pool duckette deposited her lone egg on the top of a tiled wall that separates the pool from the spa. Then she and her slackard mallard departed. (I thought they made nests.) I have the egg in an incubator in the house and no idea if anything is alive in there.

      Anyway, they come back to visit the pool for a little bit each day, but rarely together. Am I attributing human characteristics if I said I thought they were looking for “junior”?

  11. Mitt, or his minions, might have checked out the Liberty University curriculum first:

    Page 173. Graduate course Theology 678—Western and New Religions.

    Course description:

    “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism. The course will also include a study of the Occult Movement. Emphasis is placed on the errors of these groups and on methods and materials for confronting them effectively.”

    (My italics). Keep pandering to anti-Mormon fundies, Mitt. It’s so becoming.

    http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/romney-giving-commencement-speech-at-university-that-calls-mormonism-a-cult/

    • Berkeley is a weird place, and some of the weirdest came through our typesetting shop for some reason. We put together a lot of journals and magazines for fundamentalist feminists to Rajneeshis. One publication was a very well-researched debunking of Eckankar by an evangelical group of cult hunters. Part of the copy was a list of upcoming issues on other cults. Right at the top of the list — crossed out from the text — was LDS. Cult or not, they recognized that the Mormons would kick their asses into the ground if they started digging around there.

  12. QOTD:

    Sen. Rand Paul (Reprehensible-KY), on Obama: “Call me cynical, but I didn’t think his views on marriage could get any gayer.”

  13. Found in the comments section on TP, regarding the epic Tamron Hall smackdown:

    Daryl Champion: TAMRON [tam•ron] verb. To unquestionably snatch control of a situation.

  14. I stumbled upon this mega asshole on Twitter.
    @Walken4GOP
    “Many Americans feel how I feel. We would rather have a good ol white boy that just got out of prison as #potus than that jiggaboo #Obama.”
    And this isn’t the worst. Anybody with an account check him out. Wayne, doesn’t Twitter have any restrictions?

    • Only on threats of violence against others. You can say all the racist, bigoted, vile, ignorant things you want. I guess Twitter figures if you;re that disgusting, people will either unfollow or block you, or both.

      • I just stumbled upon him because I saw somebody’s response to him. I don’t even think people like that should be allowed to call themselves Americans.

  18. How did Batshiat Shellie get caught up in Swiss citizenship?

    A former Bachmann congressional staffer told POLITICO that the congresswoman sometimes acts “impulsively” and suggests that she must have registered for citizenship without considering all consequences.

    I never would have guessed that about her.

  19. Photos illustrate effects of WWII internment camps

    It was not until 1970, when Paul Kitagaki Jr. was 16 years old, that he learned in a high school history class about the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II. His own family was among them.

  22. I can’t tell if this is a joke that went viral, or if Mitt really did say this.

    http://pdamerica.org/component/k2/item/400-mitt-romney-i-can-relate-to-black-people-my-ancestors-once-owned-slaves

    I understand how difficult it can be for an African-American in today’s society. In fact, I can relate to black people very well indeed. My ancestors once owned slaves, and it is in my lineage to work closely with the black community. However, just because they were freed over a century ago doesn’t mean they can now be freeloaders. They need to be told to work hard, and the incentives just aren’t there for them anymore. When I’m president I plan to work closely with the black community to bring a sense of pride and work ethic back into view for them.

    If he really did say that (and several sites suggest he did), I find it hard to believe he’ll get more than 5% of the black vote, and those are just the conservatives in the party.

    • It links back to the original at Free Wood Post, which is a satire site.

      Although, I can imagine him saying something so fucking stupid.

  24. Slim pickings this week on Kos Hate Mail, but, as Markos notes, the one letter received is “a good one.” He’s right. It literally drips with biblical and god-inspired love.

    So now the satanist-in-chief has finally decided to officially commit to supporting sick perverts over actual people. No more pretense of being a “Christian” and now it’s an alliance with Satan. Sick sick deranged perverts are the preferred class of citizen in this new USA of ours. It began with the forcible injection of homosexualists in the formerly moral US military. Now it is a celebration of the sickest forms of homosexual pedophilia BY THE PRESIDENT ON NATIONAL TV! What is next? Drug-fueled sex parties in the white house in front of tv cameras? Does the president already have his own personal homosexual lover for who he buys cocaine and expensive champaine (with taxpayer money)? Will marrying raccoons become legal? Or marrying 10-year old boys (as many homosexualists arre already arguing)? AIDS was brought on us by GOD as the gay plague and it is gays who spread it. Without gays there would be almost zero drug use. Do you understand that the kind of sick diseased mind that engages in homosexuality also enagages in every other form of crime and immorality? We cannot and should not become a nation of sodomites even if the president tries to force it on us.
    Why don’t you open the Bible and see what God thinks of perversion. GOD STRUCK DOWN THE ATHEIST HOMOSEXUAL PERVERTS OF SODOM AND GOMORRAH AND HE CAN AND WILL DO SO AGAIN! God cannot be bought with filthy homosexual money from Hollywood deviants! God will not be bullied by fascist homosexualist thugs! For every pro-pervert propaganda speech your president makes God will send down a hurricane or earthquake! Obama is now the American Caligula and his twisted sex-mad regime will be swept away by the hand of God and a new president will enter office this year and he will be a moral predient! Obama will be remembered as the most degenerate pervert to stain the white house and then forgotten! Vote for Obama is a vote to make your children watch homosexual orgies in schools etc in the name of “diversity”. You keep reading gay porn magazines and Mein kampf and I’ll read my Bible. We’ll see who wins in november. God is on our side and Satan is on yours. Who wins? Seems clear.

  25. I really hate linking to this crap but it’s fun to see how the Reichwhiners are dealing with “Swiss Miss” Bachmann. The most funny parts are his assertion that “the left” has smeared Batscat and that “the left” is somehow responsible for making her forsake the good ol’ U.S.A. Here’s the money quote.

    “The fact that even a patriot like Bachmann would do something like this is testament to how thoroughly the moral relativism of the post-national Left has permeated our culture.”

    http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/299461/swiss-miss-mark-krikorian

    • “post-national Left”? Translation, please.

      I’m pleased that the Left is so incredibly powerful that we can even taint a “patriot” like Bachmann. It’s clear we’re winning.

  26. Here’s some information about an actress you probably never heard of before but more than likely you’ve seen her in one particular movie and if you’ve seen the movie you’ll remember her:

    Adeline De Walt Reynolds was born in Benton County, Iowa in 1862. In 1885, when she was 23, she married Frank Reynolds, a juggler on the Vaudeville circuit. Twenty years later in San Francisco she was widowed and left with 4 children. They survived the earthquake the following year. In 1920, at the age of 64 she entered the University of California and graduated with a BA 6 years later. In 1940 she moved to Hollywood and began her acting career. Her first role was playing Jimmy Stewart’s grandmother in 1941′s “Come Live With Me” and her final role was an old woman in a 1960 television Playhouse 90 episode when she was 98. She died in 1961.

    The movie you have probably seen her in won 7 Oscars for 1944. It starred Bing Crosby, who won the Best Actor award, and Barry Fitzgerald, who won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and featured the song that won the Best Music for “Swinging on a Star” Adeline played Father Fitzgibbon’s mother who had been brought from Ireland to be reunited with her son in a tear jerking scene towards the end of the movie.

    I hope that this little story will provide inspiration to other later-in-life college graduates. :smile:

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