How hot is Hell?
To determine the hotness of Hell we must establish whether Hell is exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. To do so we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
Second, we need to know how many souls are entering Hell. To determine that let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Granny a few years ago that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before you quit snoring and I can sleep with you again” and take into account the fact that we slept together last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct leaving only Heaven. Thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why last night Granny kept shouting “Oh my God.”
The above was reported to be the answer to an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam (edited to protect the guilty). The answer was considered so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. It is claimed the student received the only “A.”