In a case that was given scant attention by court watchers, the Supreme Court issued a ruling today finding that bipartisanship violates the United States Constitution. The opinion, authored by Justice Thomas, noted that the two houses of Congress are, in fact, mentioned in the United States Constitution, but that political parties are not. Thus, while the legislative branch, and the respective houses therein, are free to set their own rules, a strict interpretation of the Constitution does not allow for the existence of political parties, and, by extension, bipartisanship.
This judicial bombshell, coming as it is on the eve of the 2014 mid term elections, left Constitutional law scholars dumbfounded. Ballots will have to be rewritten, eliminating the distinction of political parties. “Who will know who to vote for, once we eliminate the (D) and ( R)?” one staffer lamented. John Boehner, Mitch McConnel and Tom DeLay were seen together in a bar. Tears were streaming down Boehners cheeks as he cried, “All that work on redistricting — gone.”
Only Mike Huckabee appeared pleased with today’s ruling. “With the elimination of political distinctions, people will have to rely on the only distinction that truly matters…God. Now is the time for men, and to a lesser degree, women, of faith, to step forward and run for political office from God’s platform. Now, I am mindful of the First Amendment, and it says that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” So the founding fathers clearly intended that Christians should freely exercise their religion when elected to Congress, and when my Christrian bretheren are made Senators and Representatives, then we shall finally see God’s Kingdom here on earth.”
Michelle Bachman, outraged that the Supreme Court just declared political parties unconstitutinal, vowed to appeal the ruling to the highest court in the land. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, agreed with Mike Huckabee and hinted that he might become her running mate in 2016.
Fox News broke away from its live coverage of Justice Thomas reading his opinion to a rerun of Doctor Strangelove.