The Watering Hole: Wednesday, May 15, 2013: The Top Ten Reasons to be a Republican

With the numbers of those claiming to be Republicans reaching historic lows, a case must be made for membership in the Republican Party. After all, without a 2-party system, who are Democrats going to rail against – themselves? Ok, well, that’s a given. But, just for the fun of it, what are the top ten reasons to be a Republican going into the 2014 primary season?

10. Ignorance is Bliss. Where else can you find a political party this day and age abounding in such bliss as the Republican Party?

9. You’re a woman, and you enjoy transvaginal ultrasounds, besides, Republicans pay more attention to your vagina than your significant other.

8. You’re a Christian, and you want the 10 Commandments back into the Constitution where they belong.

7. You honestly believe that Republican will, this time, actually do something that will improve your standard of living.

6. You’re a man, and you enjoy the idea of transvaginal ultrasounds. Besides, Democrats believe that a woman should be in control of her reproductive organs.

5. You believe that eliminating unions will lead to better working conditions.

4. You believe that eliminating “Obamacare” will lead to better health care.

3. You believe that you will be better off if only the rich got to keep more of their money.

2. You believe the 2nd Amendment gives you the right to take up arms against the government any time you disagree with the will of the majority.

1. You’re a Progressive, and you realize that with the diminshing number of folks actually registered Republicans, you and your fellow Progressives can rule the party from within.

OPEN THREAT THREAD TIME!

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 8, 2013: Address Code

With the Spring Prom Season upon us, the good folks running the Charleston, South Carolina School Board announced a new dress code for girls.

“We preach abstinence only, as the only way to prevent pregnancy and socially transmitted diseases.” a school board spokeswoman said. “It is our goal to keep our young ladies pure.” The spokeswoman went on to note that at this time of year, young men’s hormones are raging, and they cannot control themselves. “Why, they get excited at the barest hint of female flesh.” She said.

The School Board’s new policy is aimed at preventing boys from “getting carried away” with the women-folk by requiring girls to dress appropriately for the Spring Proms. “Dresses this year will be modest. There will be no showing of any part of the female breast, nor legs, nor arms.”

Girl’s dresses are to be loose fitting, so as to avoid presenting any semblence of the female form to impressionable young boys. However, they are to be available in a wide variety of colors.

Photos of acceptable attire have been posted on the District’s website:

The basic white dress approved by the Charleston, S.C. School Board.

A blue number, with an exotic look for the more daring.

DAERHT NEPO

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 1, 2013: New Study Condemns Solar Power

A startling new study released this past weekend went largly unnoticed, overshadowed, as it were, by Sarah Palin’s attack on the White House Correspondence Dinner.

The study takes aim at the neophyte Solar Energy Industry, just as it struggles to gain a toe-hold in producing clean, renewable power in a market dominated by nuclear and natural gas interests.

“It is indisputable” the study began, “that solar energy is the chief contributor to global warming.” The study continued:

Solar energy is by far the leading cause of rising tempertures around the globe, outpacing methane produced by cows, green house gasses produced by industry and natural gas from fracking combined.

The study, funded by Haliburton, ExxonMobile and British Petroleum boasted an impressive amount of statistical data. The study compared average daytime tempertures with average night time tempertures, adjusting for seasonal changes. Solar energy is directly correlated with higher tempertures all around the globe, the study concluded.

Republicans immediately seized upon the study as proof that Solar Power is harming the planet. “We can no longer afford to wait. The sun must set now on the Solar Industry.” One prominent politician pontificated. “I am presenting a bill tomorrow in the Senate that will ban the use of Solar Energy in the United States.”

When asked how he would implement his ban, given the vast amount of solar energy impacting the country on a daily basis, he replied, “Our international trade relations is already working on that. Even as I speak, we’re negotiating for the importation of over a billion parasols from China.”

OPEN THREAD.
CARE TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT?

Extinction Event

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

At last, the True WMDs

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

In a nutshell….

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

MEANWHILE:

Although the sequester is litterally killing Americans by depriving them of much needed healthcare, Congress did take swift action to alleviate one major inconvenience to the leisure class by restoring air traffic controllers.

Thus it is as it has been, poor people die so that rich people won’t be inconvenienced.

Well, it worked the first time…

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 24, 2013: De-Regulation, Texas Style

From the Way-Forward Machine: Date, October 24, 2013:

One of the primary arguments against more gun regulations was the argument that only law-abiding citizens will abide by the new regulations – that criminals will ignore the law and still get guns. That gave Texas Governor Rick “Oops” Perry an idea.

Six months ago, to the day, Gov. “Oops” Perry made a startling announcement, which, on its face, seemed quite obvious. “Only criminals break the law.” He then went on. “Law-abiding citizens don’t commit crimes. Only criminals do. And no law has ever stopped a criminal from committing a criminal act. The NRA is right. We don’t need more laws turning more things law-abiding citizens do into crimes. And I’m asking my fellow Republicans in the State Legislature to get a bill on my desk that repeals all criminal laws that have not prevented a crime, because those laws, obviously, don’t work. There’s enough that doesn’t work in big government without having laws that don’t work, either.”

Before the end of the month, the Republican-controlled Texas State Legislature had a bill on Perry’s desk repealing the entire criminal code. Perry signed it immediately, saying, “There’s three things I like about this bill. One, it gets rid of laws that don’t work. Two, it shrinks the size of government. And three…three….I forgot….oops.”

Shortly thereafter, the word got out. Nothing was illegal in Texas anymore. Within a couple of weeks, every bank in Texas had been robbed once….per day. Mom and Pop stores were robbed blind, while the larger chain-stores hired armed security.

Insurance companies couldn’t cancel policies fast enough, as drivers soon found out they could speed, run stop signs and traffic lights without fear of getting a ticket.

And just last week there was an incident where a citizen called to complain about his neighor’s music being way too loud. The responding officer told him “There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like it’s against the law or anything.” The citizen replied, “It’s so damn loud, all day and all night! I can’t get any sleep. I’m so mad I could just go over there and shoot him!” To which the officer said, “Well, there’s no law against that, either.”

Six months later, Perry is re-thinking his de-regulation of criminal laws. “It seems” he said at a recent press conference, “that law-abiding citizens are law abiding only when there are laws to abide. So I’m asking my collegues in the State Legislature to get me a bill reinstating the criminal code.”

When asked if this experience changed his mind about background checks for gun purchases at gun shows and over the internet, the Governor replied, “Hell no. That’s the kind of law that only law abiding citizens will abide, leavin’ criminals free to break the law and still get guns without background checks. I will not stand for requiring law abiding citizens to have to go through a background check just to buy a gun.”

Meanwhile, in Kentucky, a man on the FBI’s Terrorist Watch List was able to legally buy guns at a gun show and promptly opened fire in the convention center, killing 14 and wounding 16 others before being mowed down in a hail of bullets from all directions. Only 39 bystanders were killed by stray bullets from the good guys with guns, that number including several police who were first on the scene.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR NORMAL, ‘IT’S FIVE O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE’ TIME.

OPEN TREAD

WRITE ON!

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 17, 2013: Bushmaster to Introduce First Ever Assault Rifles Designed for Use in the Womb

Inspired by the observation of Congressman Steve Stockman (R-Texas), “If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted,” Bushmaster announced immediate plans to design assault rifles for the unborn.

“This is brilliant” one market analyst observed. “With a name like Bushmaster, the idea of inserting a gun into the uterus is a natural fit. And they’ll get loads of free publicity with Stockman’s campaign bumper-sticker.”

A spokesman for Bushmaster, who choose to remain anonymous, acknowledged several challenges that lay ahead in designing a weapon for use in utero. “First, there’s the question of when and how to make the weapon available to the unborn person. If we simply implant the gun in the uterus for use at some later time, it may act like an IUD and prevent the very pregnancies the gun is designed to protect. On the other hand, waiting for a fertilized egg may be too late, as those who would seek to murder the person would have a distinct advantage, not the least would be the element of surprise.”

One possible solution, the spokesman mused, would be to position the gun at or near the cervix, “so it would be there and available on a moment’s notice.”

“Everyone has a God-Given right to defend him or herself.” the spokesman continued. “That extends to the unborn person as well as any other God-Fearing citizen. If an unborn citizen’s life is threatened, he or she has an absolute right to use deadly force, if necessary, to defend his or her life.” The spokesman also boasted that Bushmaster already has 23 Senators on-board and ready to introduce legislation requiring every female over the age of 13 to have a Bushmaster implanted.

When it was pointed out that most abortions occur before the person has developed the fingers necessary to pull the trigger, the spokesperson responded, “That’s another problem we’re working on even as we speak. Our engineers are looking into smart-gun technology, where the gun recognizes the threat and fires automatically. It would be like having automated armed guards posted at the cervix, on duty, 24/7.”

Documents pieced together from shredded strips of paper in Bushmaster’s Dumpster indicate tests are already underway on the new “Bushmaster Womb 5000″. However, test results appear to raise additional concerns. Apparently the software program is incapable of distinguishing between lawful intercourse, gynecological exams and a D & C, shooting and destroying the invading object in all three instances.

OPEN THREAD TIME
GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 10, 2013: Bush v. Gore reduex

In a stunning announcement, the U.S. Supreme Court today released a modified opinion in the infamous Bush v. Gore case decided over a decade ago.

This new decision fully reverses the original decision, declaring Gore to be the President elected in 2000. History books will have to be re-written to reflect Al Gore’s Presidency for the first 8 years of the new century.

“There won’t have to be a total re-write of history – just a simple change of names.” a spokesman for the Supreme Court explained. “It can be accomplished with a simple find and replace command found in every word processing program.” Already, computer programming technicians were busy scouring the world-wide-web, replacing “Bush” with “Gore” on every website whereever the former term is found.

“Now,” the spokesman for the Supreme Court continued, “everything that went wrong during the Bush Administration will have taken place under Al Gore’s watch.”

Republicans cheered the precedent-setting move by the SCOTUS. “We won’t have to run against Bush’s record” one anonymous political analyst noted. “We’ll be running against Gore’s!”

OPEN THREAD.
WHICH SUPREME COURT DECISION WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE REVISITED?

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, 4/3/13: It’s about Time.

Time.

In the grand scheme of things, intelligent life is but a recent blip on the evolutionary scale of life of this lump of dirt we call home.

Up till now, life played out in peaceful coexistence with Mother Nature. But manunkind does not seek to coexist with Nature, he seeks to dominate her.

Up till now, no creature on earth has been able to shape the weather and alter the climate. Species that existed for millions of years were unable to do what manunkind has done in a mere century. We have dominated Nature. We have burned fuels at an unprecidented rate, taking carbon from the ground and polluting the air in such quantities as to make measurable impacts on our climate. And we ignore all science, nay, we virtually criminalize all science, that stands in the way of profits.

We, of all creatures, are terrified of death, of our own extinction. We have seen the fossil records and know that we, too, may disappear from the face of the earth…go the way of the dinosaurs. And so we fight death at every turn. We create religions that promise life after death. But, even more dangerous, we heap untold riches and wealth on the very few, so that they may survive the inevitable apocolypse.

B.F. Skinner once did an experiment. He put rats in a cage. He gave them plenty of food and water. But the cage was overcrowded. Eventually, even though they had enough to survive, the rats turned on each other…killed each other.

As this author reads about the senseless mass murders, and the clamour by some for the proliferation of even more weapons, and more powerful weapons, in the name of self-defense, this author is reminded of rats in a cage.

Back in the 60′s and 70′s, there used to be talk of zero population growth. No more. Now, it’s all about zero sex education, zero abortions…more rats in the cage.

Manunkind has dominated Nature. For now. But Nature always seeks balance. And, in the long run, Nature will win.

Time.

It’s on Nature’s side. Your’s, too, once you realize…there is no cage.

OPEN THREAD. YOUR TIME NOW.

THE WATERING HOLE: Wednesday, March 27, 2013: REPUBLICAN REBRANDING

Twitter, The Zoo’s Top Investigative Journalist

Twitter listened in on the closed-door conversations at the recent CPAC Conference regarding re-branding the Republican Party.

Mittens was the first one to speak up: “47% of the country won’t like us no matter what we call ourselves.”

Ryan: “You and you’re 47% speech cost me the election!”

Mittens: “Oh, and like your lame-brained budget proposal had nothing to do with it.”

Queen P: “Boys, boys, pipe down. If anybody knows anything about losing elections, I do.”

McCain’t: “You can say that again.”

Queen P: “If anybody knows anything about losing elections, I do.”

Herman C.: “He didn’t mean that literally. Look, why don’t we try something that’s never been done before?”

Ron P.: “What did you have in mind?”

Herman C: “Truth!”

Michelle B gagged on a corn dog. Gov. Christie tried to give her the Hemilich but couldn’t reach any further than her bosom, at which point her eyes popped even wider than they normally look. Just then, Larry Craig walked in and sized up the situation.

Larry: “Stand back, wide guy. I know how to handle this.” Larry strode over, tilted Michelle’s head back and extracted the long meat sausage from her throat.

Queen P: “Wow, that was just like a pro!”

Larry: “Thanks. Just doin’ what I do best. Now, can anybody direct me to the restroom?”

Michelle: “Go out, go to your left, it’s just past the closet.”

Larry left, but being a staunch Republican found it impossible to go to his left.

Mittens: “Truth? Truth? I spoke the truth about 47% of the population and look where that got me.”

Herman C: “No. Not that kind of truth. Truth about us. About what we stand for.”

Ryan: “You mean the Rich and Powerful? Call ourselves the Rich And Powerful Party?”

Queen P: “And Evangelicals. We can’t fergit our Christian Base.”

Rove, who had been sitting in a corner in a fetal position stood up: “Rich And Powerful Evangelical Party. I like the sound of that. It rings true. It sums up everything we stand for in a few words. It’s bound to catch on.”

And with that, the R.A.P.E. Party was born.

HAPPY HUMP DAY, EVERYONE.

OPEN THREAD TIME.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 20, 2013, Vernal Equinox

Vernal Renaissance

by
Briseadh na Faire

Brown earthen fields,

furrowed, frosted, lifeless.

Crisp cobalt sky,

sapphire sun, still life.

Frozen in time,

M’Lady holds her breath.

Soon the birthing pangs will begin,

And the lifeless field,

Will once again bring forth

The fruit of her womb.

OPEN THREAD TIME.

You’re either with us, or with the terrorists….

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 3/13/13: Daylight Savings Time, Inc.

Buried in the fine print in Paul Ryan’s proposed budget is a heretofore unnoticed provision to privatize Daylight Savings Time. When asked about it, a spokesperson for the Senator, who asked to remain anonymous, said,

“Daylight Savings Time is another wasteful government program and an unconstitutional infringement of our freedoms. The government has no business regulating our clocks. People have the right to get up early or sleep in.”

“Job creators shouldn’t be hampered with unnecessary regulations governing what time people show up for work, and what time they leave. This governmental intrusion into the workplace makes international commerce all the less competitive for American Businesses.”

“Besides, this program is inherently wasteful. I can’t imagine a more useless government function than trying to save daylight, only to pay it back in full the next fall. The government doesn’t even get interest on all the daylight it saves. And don’t even get me started about solar energy.”

The budget provision would defund all government expenditures aimed at implementing or enforcing Daylight Savings Time. It would then set up a bidding process whereby private industry can bid for Daylight Savings Time, with naming rights going to the highest bidder.

Daylight Savings Time is just the government’s way of letting the common man experience
jet-lag twice a year.

OPEN THREAD TIME
SPRING FORWARD!

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 6, 2013: The Sequester, Iran & the Virgin Islands.

Due to the sequester’s cutback in military spending, the Obama administration has had to scrub its plans to invade Iran. President Obama has decided to emulate President Reagan’s invasion of Granada by invading the Virgin Islands.

Republicans are in a quandry. Instinctively they oppose anything Obama proposes. But, in this case, Obama wants to invade the Virgin Islands without their consent. Given the Republican’s attitude towards rape, many are opting to blame the Virgin Islands for allowing themselves to be invaded by a black man, while others insist the troops be armed with vaginal ultrasound weapons as they establish their beachhead.

Open Thread Time.
Enjoy.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, February 27, 2013: Vote-Rigging – The Case for Amending the Constitution

Or Why Section 1, Article 2 is suddenly in the forefront.

The Republican Party, having been stung in the past two Presidential elections have taken it upon themselves to change the rules.

Red states will continue to award electoral college votes on a winner take all basis. But in Blue state after Blue state, Republicans are introducing measures to apportion electoral college votes based on the percentage of the popular vote each party receives. The net result should guarantee that Republicans would regain the White House in 2016, even if they lost the popular vote by a landslide.

But is this Constitutional? Yes. Here’s the relevant portion of Section 1, Article 2:

Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress: but no Senator or Representative, or Person holding an Office of Trust or Profit under the United States, shall be appointed an Elector.

In fact, the various States could decide to appoint Electors without regard to the popular vote. That’s how broad the power granted to the State’s Legislatures is.

As of this writing, the move to rig elections hasn’t gotten much traction. But in the article linked above, it looks like the Pennslvania State Legislature could ram this through and get it to a willing Republican Governor’s desk for his signature. In these days of very few swing states, even one of them adopting such a rigging scheme could make a difference in the next Presidential election.

The Michigan GOP is eager to do the same thing. Republicans have finally figured out that the people aren’t buying what they have to sell. If our democracy applied the same market rules as Capitalism, they would be out of business. But instead of changing their product line, they want to change the rules of the game; they want a monopoly over the election process.

This, then, is the argument for amending the Constitution to call for electing the President and Vice-President based on the nation-wide popular vote. To be sure, the Ruling Class will spend hundreds of millions to defeat such an amendment.

Already too much power has been consolidated into a hand-full of elected representative who are beholden only to the very, very wealthy. They have gerry-rigged districts, safe seats, and access to virtually unlimited war chests and attack ads to defeat any challenger.

We, the people, must choose: either we change the current system through peaceful means, or it will get to a point where change will come through violence. Just know this; even in peaceful protests, people die. Those in power will, far too often stop at nothing to maintain that power. The uprisings in the Middle East foreshadow the United States’ future unless something changes.

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD
HAPPY HUMP DAY!

It’s all a matter of priorities.

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

THE PROBLEM WITH….

The War on Poverty: each year the poor have more and more new recruits.

Your turn:

The Problem With…

Time for Voto-Rooter.

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

It is written: To them that have, more shall be given. To them that have not, even what little they have shall be taken away.

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to TPZoo.
Paul Jamiol, Jamiol’s World

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, February 20, 2013: We’re Fracked!

A new lawsuit says state regulators have allowed hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, to expand in California without legally required oversight.

The lawsuit, filed in Alameda County Superior Court by the Center for Biological Diversity, seeks to compel regulators to enforce existing state law that protects people and the environment from underground injections carried out by the oil and gas industry.

In a news release, the Center for Biological Diversity says the state has yet to regulate or even monitor the controversial practice of fracking.

“Underneath much of Central and southern California sits one of the largest deposits of shale oil in the United States, boasting a motherlode of some 15 billion barrels of oil.”

And the Central Valley is one of the country’s biggest agricultural regions. Or, maybe, was. According to the Huffington Post, “Presently, energy producers aren’t required to tell anyone where or when they’re using hydraulic fracturing.”

But sometimes, such a secret can’t be kept a secret for long. Apparently a well near Fresno was fracked recently, with disasterous results this night.

Fracking near Fresno feeds fireball.

Fracking at a well owned by the Wesayso Corporation went disasterously wrong this evening as natural gas erupted into the atmosphere and ignited. To make matters worse, the natural gas quickly invaded the aquifer and was sucked into wells operated by FID, Fresno Irrigation District. Before anyone knew what was going on, tap water in Fresno became highly flammable and houses, businesses and apartment complexes erupted into flames as the slightest spark caused coffee pots and water heaters to explode.

Although this is a developing story, one geological engineer at the scene of the fireball who suffered only second degree burns explained. “We didn’t know that the natural gas deposits were under this much pressure. Judging by the on-going low level earthquakes, it’s likely the shale is continuing to fracture over a widespread area. It’s like when you get a crack in your windshield, and the crack keeps spreading and spreading and spreading. Only now, when it spreads, more natural gas vents into the aquifer.”

While officials at the State level are not talking, one lower-level analyst spoke on condition of anonymity. “We may be looking at the loss of the entire Central Valley acquifer.” He said. “When that goes, everyone in the Central Valley will have to evacuate….and you can forget about farming for the next few decades. God knows how long it will take to get the toxins out of the water supply.”

PART OF WHAT YOU JUST READ IS TRUE. PART IS FICTION.

DO WE KNOW WHAT THE FRACK WE’RE DOING?

OPEN THREAD TIME.

Happy Valentines Day

O give me the joy of love unbounded,
Unfettered with human laws;
The depths of passion where reason’s unfounded,
Un’cumbered by human flaws.

For love! not reason, knows the heart,
The mind and soul follow suit.
If love be folly, I play the jester’s part,
And give my soul in love’s pursuit.

The flames of passion, once ignited,
Last well beyond the day,
Throughout the night, love is delighted,
Embraced in the heat of passion’s play.

To the song of eternal romance,
The poet and minstrel dance.

The Watering Hole, Fat Wednesday, February 13, 2013: Vatican Names New Pope

What, me worry?

Following the suprise resignation of Pope Benedict, and the even greater suprise when God smote the Vatican with lightening the same day, the College of Cardinals held a secret emergency meeting and elected a new Pope.

Having had great success with Pope John Paul, and Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals decided to follow in the same vein and elected Pope Ringo George.

OPEN THREAD.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT?

MARDI GRAS?

BEADS?