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The Watering Hole, Wednesday, July 23, 2104: BREAKING GNUS: OBAMA CAVES AGAIN!

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

Ok, we get it. Republicans voted some 50+ times to undo ObamaCare. Major Corporations insisted Obama give them extra time to implement ObamaCare and he caved to their wishes. Now, Republicans, led by none other than Mr. Orange Himself, John Boehner, are suing Obama for caving in to their constituents.

And – shock – Obama caves once more! We here at The Zoo learned that President Obama and John Boehner have stipulated to an agreement that will be filed in Court shortly, and fully enforceable, whereby Obama will rescind his granting of additional time for Big Businesses to fully enforce ObamaCare.

Ironically, this means that Boehner’s suit will succeed, and the Republican donors who asked for more time to implement ObamaCare will lose, and have to incur costs for implementing ObamaCare right before the 2014 elections.

D’OH PEN
THREAD

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, July 9, 2014: Hobby Lobby Ruling Triggers Massive Health Insurance Cancellations

A little more than a week after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled business owners do not have to provide health insurance that conflicts with their deeply held religeous beliefs, the health insurance industry reports massive cancellations of employer-sponsored health plans.

Coincidently, the church of Christian Scientists,  which preaches the deeply held religious belief in faith healing, is seeing a massive influx of new members.

OPEN THREAD

GOT ANY DEEPLY HELD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RELY ON TO OVERTURN THE LAW?

BREAKING GNUS: OBAMA REACTS TO HOBBY LOBBY DECISION

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

THIS JUST IN: On the 4th of July, President Obama issued a Press Release and an Executive Order that was totally ignored by the mainstream media. We here at The Zoo are proud to have, once again, scooped everybody with this important, groundbreaking, historical moment.

President Obama, reacting to the Supreme Court’s Decision in the Hobby Lobby case said, “The Supreme Court has spoken. Business cannot be made to go against their deeply held religious beliefs, especially when it comes to contraception and abortion. Unfortunately, in this day and age, businesses become unknowing and unwitting supporters of contraception and abortion when they purchased goods manufactured in contries that allow one or the other, or both. To ensure that all American Companies abide by their deeply held religious beliefs, I am therefore issuing an Executive Order directing all U.S. Customs agents to reject shipments of goods from all countries that allow their citizens to take contraceptives or have abortions.”

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, July 2, 2014: BREAKING GNUS: Boehner v. Obama leaked!

Walker, The Zoo's underground investigative journalist.

Walker, The Zoo’s underground investigative journalist.

Walker, the Zoo’s underground investigative journalist, recently dug up an interesting paper, tossed into the garbage along with several empty cans of spray-on tan. While the paper does not indicate who authored it, it does appear to be a draft of pleadings in the much publicized Boehner lawsuit he plans to file against President Obama:

IN THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Boehner v. Obama

GENERAL ALLEGATIONS

PARTIES:

  1. Plaintiff JOHN BOEHNER is a natural person with unnaturally orange skin. Orange is not the new black. BOEHNER is the Speaker of the House of Representatives.
  2. Defendant BARACK OBAMA is a natural person, born in Kenya and the illegitimate President of the United States.

JURISDICTION

  1. Article III of the United States Constitution grants the United States Supreme Court original jurisdiction over all cases in which a public minister is a party. Since OBAMA claims to be the President of the United States, he is a Public Minister for Article III purposes.

CAUSE OF ACTION FOR INJUNCTIVE RELIEF

  1. OBAMA is not doing everything I and the Republican Majority in the House wants him to do.
  2. OBAMA continues to enforce and implement OBAMACARE.
  3. BENGHAZI.

PRAYER FOR RELIEF

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays this court:

  1. Order OBAMA to do everything I want him to do;
  2. Issue an injunction to block the implementation of OBAMACARE; and
  3. Order an investigation of BENGHAZI.

Respectfully,

John A. Boehner,

Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
Second in the Line of Succession to the Presidency
Savior of the People
Holder of the Sacred Trust

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, June 25, 2014: I’m Baaaack!

Hello folks,

I see you all enjoyed my little contests while I was on vacation. Now for something completely different, or, idle musings of a demented and sacareligious mind….

Fundamental christians believe a person is created at conception.

They also believe in the resurection of the body – that is, we will all be resurrected in our physical form after everyone is raised from the dead on Judgment day.

Well, that means that there are going to be millions of fertilized eggs, persons lost by miscarriages, resurrected outside the womb.

ooooooow….

That’s gonna smell after a couple of days…..

OPEN THREAD

GOT ANYTHING TO ADD?

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, June 18, 2014: Vacation Edition, Part II: Gone Fishing

Gentle Readers,

Last week’s contest went over so well we’re running a sequel. But, instead of posting teh stupedestest thing you’ve ever heard, this time you are invited to post the biggest whopper you’ve ever heard, or come up with, be it a fish story or otherwise.

For example: Yesterday, Sarah Palin said something that made sense.

The rules are the same:

First Place Prize: posting of your comment/entry on an internationally read blog.

Odds of winning:1/1, based on the number of entries. In the event of a tie, all eligible entries will be posted.

Entries close at midnight.

OPEN THREAD

LET THE WHOPPERS COMMENCE

The Watering Hole, Vacation Edition, Part 1; Wednesday, Hump Day, June 11, 2014: What’s the Stupidest Thing You’ve Ever Heard

Dear Readers, this is a contest.

The rule is: post the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard.

First Place Prize: posting of your comment/entry on an internationally read blog.

Odds of winning:1/1, based on the number of entries. In the event of a tie, all eligible entries will be posted.

Entries close at midnight.

OPEN THREAD

LET TEH STUPED BEGUINE!

 

The Watering Hole, HumpDay, June 4, 2014: Breaking Gnus: Obama to Offer New Prisoner Bargain With the Taliban

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

Tweeter calls in another Zoo Exclusive

THIS JUST IN: PRESIDENT OBAMA TO ANNOUNCE NEW PRISONER BARGAIN WITH THE TALIBAN

With polititians and pundits heating up over the prisoner exhange that saw the release of 5 Taliban leaders in exhange for one American Soldier, President Obama is taking a bold step by conducting further discussions aimed towards the release of the remaining 149 or so prisoners still held in Guantanamo. Early reports by annonymous sources indicate that the President is on the verge of making yet another deal with the Taliban.

According to low-level interns in the White House document shredding room, Obama has struck a hard bargain with the renegade Taliban government: for every Republican Senator they agree to take, Obama will release 2 prisoners held at Guantanamo; should the Taliban accept all of the Republican Senators, the remaining prisoners will be exchanged on a one-for-one basis with Republican members of the House of Representatives.

Republicans expressed immediate outrage. “If an American Soldier is worth 5 Taliban, a Senator should be worth at least 10!” one eexclaimed. On the other side of the aisle, a Democratic aide observed “It’s about time we got rid of those terrorists once and for all. They’ve caused more damage to the United States than all the prisoners in Guantanamo put together.”

Senator McCain reportedly commented, “I’ve been a prisoner of war, and I can tell you it is pure hell. Whatever I can do to relieve the suffering of those poor men, I’ll do it.” After an aide whispered in his ear, the Senator continued, “But I’ll be damned if I let this President, or any other President, for that matter, negotiate with Congress, I mean, Terrorists!” His aide then quickly whisked McCain out of the room.

Calls to the White House were met with the standard “The White House can neither confirm nor deny these reports.”

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 28, 2014: STATEMENT OF FAITH*

STATEMENT OF FAITH

I. We believe the Bible to be the inspired, the only infallible, authoritative, inerrant Word of God (2 Tim. 3:16-17; 2 Peter 1:20-21).

II. We believe there is one God, eternally existent in three persons — Father, Son and Holy Spirit (Deut. 6:4; Matt. 28:19; 2 Cor. 13:14).

a. We believe in God the Father whose love was exemplified in that He gave His only begotten Son for the salvation of men (John 3:16; Eph. 1:3).

b. We believe in the Deity of the Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. When coming to earth He never ceased to be God and that His humiliation did not consist of laying aside His Deity. As a man, He was miraculously begotten of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary. By his atonement and resurrection He accomplished the redemption and justification before God of all who truly believe in Him and accept Him as Lord (Isa. 7:14; 9:6; Luke 1:35; Gal. 4:4-5; Phil. 2:5-8).

c. We believe that the ministry of the Holy Spirit is to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and during this age to convict men, regenerate the believing sinner, indwell, guide, instruct, comfort, sanctify, seal, reprove and empower the believer for Godly living and service (John 16:7-8; Rom. 8:9; Eph. 1:13-14).

III. We believe Satan is an angelic being who rebelled with other angels against the authority of God. Satan was given temporary rule over the earth for an age to deceive as many of mankind as he is able (Job 1:6-7; Isa. 14:12; Matt. 4:2-11; Matt. 25:41; Rev. 20:10).

IV. We believe that God created the heaven and earth, including all life, by direct act, and not by a process of evolution, in six literal, 24-hour periods (Gen. 1:1-2:3; Ex. 20:11).

V. We believe God’s grace provides salvation and eternal life through Christ’s death, burial and resurrection to all people who repent and receive Him as Savior and Lord. Salvation is based solely upon faith in God’s promise (John 1: 12-13; 2 Cor. 5:17; Eph. 1:7, 2:8-9; Gal. 2:16).

VI. We believe that Christ arose from the dead, ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father, where He intercedes for the believers as our High Priest. We believe in His personal return for His Church. We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost; they that are saved unto the resurrection of life, and they that are lost unto the resurrection of damnation (Acts 2:22-36; Rom. 3:24-26; 1 Peter 2:24; Eph. 1:7; 1 Peter 1:3-5; Acts 1:9-11; Heb. 9:24, 7:25; Rom 8:34; 1 John 2:1-2; Matt. 25:46; John 5:28-29, 11:25-26; Rev. 20:12-15).

VII. We believe that the family is ordained by God as the basic unit of His plan for His people. The institution of marriage between one man and one woman as created by God provides the foundation and definition for the family. We believe in the preservation and edification of the family to be an act of obedience to God (Gen. 2:24, 19:5,13; Lev. 18:1-30; Rom. 1:26-32; 1 Cor. 6:9-10; 1 Thes. 4:3; Heb. 13:4; Mal. 2:14-16; Rom. 7:1-3; Matt. 19:3-6; 1 Cor. 7:10-16).

VIII. We believe in the sanctity of all human life. This life should be protected, nurtured and helped from the moment of conception, when life begins, until death occurs normally (Ps. 139:13-16; Isa. 44:24, 49:1,5; Jer. 1:5; Luke 1:44).

Questions:

1. Does this describe a cult? If so, in what way?

2. Does the education provided by a parochial school based on this Statement of Faith harm children in any way, or do they benefit from being thus indoctrinated?

3. Are there any studies showing children attending such schools either excel academically, or have one or more academic deficiencies? If so, what are those studies?

OPEN THREAD
FEEL FREE TO EXCERCISE
YOUR 1ST AMENDMENT RIGHT ON THIS TOPIC
OR ANYTHING ELSE,
AS THE SPIRIT MOVES YOU

*This is not to imply that this “Statement of Faith” is adhered to by The Zoo, nor any of the members of The Zoo community.

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Revolution!

or

Rebels You Shun

We had a little war today;
Nobody came,
Nobody came,
To keep the forces of evil at bay;
Ain’t it a shame,
Ain’t it a shame.

We sent out the word for millions to show;
You wouldn’t know,
You wouldn’t know,
To take back our country to the days of Jim Crow;
We didn’t know,
No one would show.

We waited and waited until we got tired;
The gubermint won
The gubermint won,
Then we went home without a shot being fired;
But we’re not done,
But we’re not done.

We’ll be back again, just you wait and see,
Beating our drum,
Beating our drum,
Next time Obama’s the one that will flee,
Millions will come,
Millions will come.

We had our little war today.
But no one showed up.

OPEN THREATD

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Bible says:

“For you always have the poor with you…” Matthew 26:11; John 12:8

I reject the premise. For if we accept the premise as true, we will do nothing that would make it false.

We have the means and the technology to eliminate poverty. But, in accepting the premise, we do nothing. We do not attempt to control population growth, but instead erect barriers to birth control.

We do not seek to level the disparity of wealth, but increase barriers to climbing out of poverty.

Pseudo Christians loudly proclaim the United States is a Christian nation:

for I was hungry and you gave Me food…Matthew 25:35

President Obama signs $8.7 billion food stamp cut into law
Another round of food stamp cuts in states
Florida Couple Fined $746 For Crime Of Feeding Homeless People

The United States is a Christian nation

I was thirsty and you gave Me drink…Matthew 25:35

A Texan tragedy: ample oil, no water
Fracking Waste Could Increase Carcinogens in NC Drinking Water
Pennsylvania Drinking Water Study Shows Methane Might Contaminate Some Wells Near Fracking Sites

The United States is a Christian nation

I was a stranger and you invited me in…Matthew 25:35

Arizona Enacts Stringent Law on Immigration
Alabama enacts anti-illegal-immigration law described as nation’s strictest
Report details abuse at Georgia immigrant detention centers

The United States is a Christian nation

I was sick and you looked after me…Matthew 25:36

50th Obamacare repeal vote
Americans elected this Congress on the promise they would roll back President Obama’s big-government agenda and repeal Obamacare.
Harvard Study: States’ Medicaid expansion refusal will kill thousands

Assume for the sake of argument that Jesus Christ of the New Testament is the Son of God, and that each of the above-linked articles describes in detail what the United States, a Christian Nation, is doing to God’s Son. If so, there’s going to be a whole lot of pseudo-Christians that are going to be terribly disappointed on Judgment Day.

But take away the deification of Christ, and his message is just good humanitarian sense; care for those unable to care for themselves; let those who are able, work as they are able.

There will be poor always? We have the means and technology to reject that premise. We only lack the collective will to do so.

OPEN
THREAD

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 7, 2014

CHRIST CANCELS SECOND COMING!

Christ the Lord, in a press release sent to all major news outlets around the globe, announced that He was cancelling His Second Coming. While the mainstream media has quashed the story of the millenea, we here at The Zoo feel it is our God-Given Duty to inform our readers that He is not coming.

The press release stated that He knows that people over the centuries have, on various occasions, announced the date and time of His immenent arrival, only to be dissapointed. The Lord also acknowledged that His parting message could have been more specific regarding His Return.

The Lord also expressed regret over giving Man freewill, stating He “knew all along that this would turn out poorly.”

The press release cited three reasons for the 2nd Coming cancellation:

  1. Sequels never live up to their advance hype;
  2. He’d rather die on the cross again than be interviewed on Fox;
  3. He knows there’s a better than even chance He’ll follow in His Father’s footsteps and father a child that people won’t stop talking about for thousands of years.

OPIN THREAD

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 30, 2014: What’s up, Doc?

The Right to Work Amendment, a proposed Amendment to the Constitution of the United States:

1. Congress shall make no law respecting a person’s right to work.
2. Congress shall make no law respecting an employer’s right to employ any person.

This is the Repbulican plan for achieving full employment in this country, so why don’t they put it forward in the form of a Constitutional Amendment? They will receive millions of votes in favor of such an amendment. And, as the Supreme Court said, there’s no more discrimination in America. So, why not? The Founding Fathers wanted to keep the government’s hands out of their business. Why not go back to laissez faire?

Thoughts?

OPEN THREAD
at least until we lose net neutrality

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 23, 2014, Now What?

Reports are coming in that hundreds of homeless families, many of them armed, have set up encampments on the Federal land near Bunkersville, Nevada, site of the recent standoff between citizen militia and the federal government.

Homeless advocates are claiming that if cows can live on federal land, rent free, people should be allowed to do so, also.

So far, federal agents do not seem inclined to intervene. Meanwhile, the smell of bbq beef wafts down the valley from the general direction of the homeless camps each evening.

OPEN THREAD.

The Watering Hole, 4-16-14: Utopia

Utopia, that perfect world.

But defining that world means different things to different people.

Every religion,
Every political system,
Every economic system,
All are centered on some idea of Utopia.

Fascism,
Communism,
Socialism,
Capitalism,
Democracy,
Republic,
Empire,
Kingdom,
Christianity,
Judaism,
Muslim,
Buddist,

The list is endless.

What is your idea of Utopia?

We are, at this moment, living in a compromise, a Utopia made up of competing visions of how the world should be.

True power lies not in the wanting, but in the not wanting.

Open Thread.

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 9, 2014: What day is it?

Come on, you can say it....

Come on, you can say it….

This just in: Woman sues fetus for civil rights violation.

A pregnant woman filed a lawsuit today in federal court in Lansing, Michigan, alleging a violation of her civil rights commited by her unborn fetus. The lawsuit claims that the fetus, as a person, is violating her rights under the 13th Amendment, the one that abolishes slavery.

The suit claims that the unborn person residing in her womb is forcing her to tend to its every need, day in and day out, 24/7, causing her great physical and emotional distress.

The suit seeks monetary damages equivalent to the value of a full-time, ’round-the-clock caregiver, as well as compensation for pain and suffering, and emotional distress.

In addition, the suit alleges that the fetus has committed numerous batteries against the woman, repeatedly kicking her womb, causing pain to other internal organs.

In addition to monetary damages, the woman is seeking an immediate restraining order to prohibit the fetus from continuing to feed itself through the umbilical cord, robbing the woman of her nutritional needs, as well as to enjoin the person from further batteries on her person.

A three-judge panel is expected to rule on the injunction by the end of the week.

OP
EN

TH
RE
AD

Breaking Gnus: Koch Bros Sue Over “One Man-One Vote”

Hot on the heels of the Supreme Court’s latest ruling that Freedom of Speech means anyone can spend any amount to get their candidate elected, the Koch Brothers seek to expand this notion of Freedom of Speech, arguing that restricting voting rights to one vote per person is an impermissible restriction on their freedom of speech.

Anyone should be allowed to vote as many times as they can afford, the lawsuit alleges, arguing for unrestricted mail-in ballots.

Constitutional Law scholars note that the “one man-one vote” doctrine was never written into the Constitution, effectvely conceding that the Koch Brothers’ lawsuit might prove persuasive before the Roberts’ Court.

“After McCutcheon and Citizens United, it’s only a matter of time before free speech, money, and voting rights will be treated as equals under the Constitution” one scholar, who asked to remain anonymous, commented. A constitutional amendment to overturn those decisions was deemed highly unlikely to ever garner enough support to become part of the supreme law of the land.

HUMP DAY: Wednesday, April 2, 2014: The Watering Hole: Get out of jail free.

Life is a perpetual game of Monopoly where one player starts out owning 90$ of the properties, a ‘get out of jail free’ card, and $2000. The other 9 players start out with no properties, and $20 each. Each time the one player passes Go, he gets $200. The other nine? $2.

The one player wins, and feels he deserved to win. After all, his starting point in the game was bequeathed to him by his father, who got his starting point from his father. He’s ready to play again, to go ’round the board gobbling up what few properties he didn’t get at the start of the game. The other nine begrudginly join in – they have no choice in this – it is their punishment from God for not being born into riches, or so they’re told.

The one will win again and again and again. There’s no way he can lose, and no way any of the nine can ever avoid losing everything they have. And still they play, on and on, each passing their spot on the game board to their chosen heir. And the game continues, generation after generation. The perpetual roll of the dice in hope of a different, better outcome.

*******

In the news recently, one of the 1% was arrested for sexually abusing his three-year old daughter for a period of two years. He played his “Get out of jail free” card and got probation instead of jail time. She’s twelve now. I wonder if daddy cut her out of his will…

“With liberty, and justice, for all.” But the pledge doesn’t say “equal justice” for all.

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, March 26, 2014. Breaking Gnus: Supreme Court Allows For-Profit Corporations the Right to Impose Their Religious Beliefs on Workers.

Dateline 9/26/14: The Zoo’s “Way-Foreward Machine” brings us the news from 6 months hence. It all began with a simple question:

“Your reasoning would permit” Congress to force corporations to pay for abortions, Kennedy told Verrilli.

And with that, the door for Corporations to dictate health care was swung wide open. Ironically, the Affordable Health Care Act, or ObamaCare as it was more popularly known, did not force Corporations to pay for abortions – just offer health insurance that would cover such procedures.

But, with the Supreme Court paving the way, every employer soon jumped on the bandwagon. Within months, the health insurance landscape was in ruins as corporation after corporation, small business after small business, began demanding that they dictate their employees health insurance based on the religious beliefs of the board of directors or individual business owner, as the case may be.

Faced with literally millions of demands for differning coverages based on the ideosyncracies of the religions of millions of business owners, the Insurance Industry simply gave up. No company could write policies that covered enough people to be economically viable. Company after company simply stopped writing health insurance.

Now, 6 months later, the only health insurance in the United States is Medicare. Yes, even the companies that underwrote Congress’ health insurance stopped.

So, on the eve of the 2014 mid-term elections, Congress must face the polital piper. Religious Freedom protected individual, for-profit corporations from providing health care. But the Government must act in a manner that neither promotes one religion over another, nor any religion over no religion. Will Congress step up to the task of seeing that every American has a right to health care? Or will we have to elect new representatives that will?

OPEN THREAD
OPEN DISCUSSION

(P.S. The “Way Foreward Machine” is only capable of showing one of may possible futures. The actual future may be different than the one depicted here. Indeed, by publishing the Way Foreward Machine’s prediction, the future may have already been altered.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 12, 2014: Blue Sky over Beijing

China has finally gotten serious in its efforts to combat the effects of air pollution so thick it blocks out the sky.

An internal memo distributed through wickieleaks reveals that coal burning plants and even oil refineries will soon be adding blue dye to their fuel. The effect of the dye will be to turn smog a healthy sky-blue color. The air will be just as bad, but no one will notice. A test burn was conducted in a small villiage in Mongolia last December, with no lasting ill effects. The villiager’s skin color returned to normal just three weeks after the end of the test.

OPEN THREAD

SPRING, AND BLUE SKIES, AHEAD