The Watering Hole: Wednesday, June 25, 2014: I’m Baaaack!

Hello folks,

I see you all enjoyed my little contests while I was on vacation. Now for something completely different, or, idle musings of a demented and sacareligious mind….

Fundamental christians believe a person is created at conception.

They also believe in the resurection of the body – that is, we will all be resurrected in our physical form after everyone is raised from the dead on Judgment day.

Well, that means that there are going to be millions of fertilized eggs, persons lost by miscarriages, resurrected outside the womb.

ooooooow….

That’s gonna smell after a couple of days…..

OPEN THREAD

GOT ANYTHING TO ADD?

The Watering Hole; Thursday March 27 2014; What’s in a Name?

With the news stories of the day being pretty much limited to the still unknown fate of MH370, to Hobby Lobby’s hoped-for love affair with SCOTUS, and of course to the remnants of the Chris Christie/GWBridgegate horse puckey, I thought maybe it was time for a break.

And up it popped: the Washington Redskins, and all the emergent fuss over the team’s insulting nickname. Now, as everyone who knows me is well aware, I have zero interest in professional sports no matter the genre. Be it football, basketball, baseball, soccer, hockey — name it — I don’t waste even a moment per decade on any of it. But, then once in awhile an aside of sorts pops up and . . . well, what the hell.

Here’s a brief summation courtesy of the Washington Post, where it’s noted that

In the past year [team owner Daniel] Snyder has faced stiff criticism over the team’s name, which some Native American tribes have called offensive. Several state and local officials have also spoken out against the name. Last season, the Redskins drew protests at many of their road games, with crowds of several hundred turning out to their matchups in Denver and Minnesota. Groups also have lobbied NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to take action.

Word on the street has it that Snyder’s ego won’t allow him to engage the potential humiliation implicit in knuckling under to popular opinion, to acknowledge the name “Redskins” is, more than anything else, a racial epithet that insults Native American Tribal entities all across the country. The owner of a professional football franchise valued at some $1.7 billion is, at least in Snyder’s own mind, far too important to pay attention to anything that non-billionaires might think. As the Washington Post puts it,

Snyder, who has owned the Redskins since 1999, maintains the team’s nickname represents the heritage of the 81-year-old franchise and is meant to honor Native Americans.

Right. I mean really, how better to honor Native Americans everywhere than via the well-worn epithet “Redskins”?

Well, anyway, I decided I would offer my services — at no charge, of course — by suggesting an appropriate alternative moniker for that 81-year-old Washington heritage, a nickname far more worthy of a $1.7 billion franchise than “Redskins.” Still, in keeping with the apparent thesis that a racist epithet is, to many, a somehow cool and honorable means of demeaning those of inferior blood, I’ve concluded that maybe both expanding that concept AND at the same time toning it down a bit might be something Snyder could live with, maybe even like?

OK. So. Rather than sticking with REDskins and insulting ONLY Native Americans, why not dig in and nail each and every skin color (other that white, of course) to that old familiar KKKross? Go for the Gold! as someone said once. Somewhere. I forget where. Anyway, there are, scattered across this land and around the globe, folks with RED skins, with BLACK skins, with YELLOW skins, and with BROWN skins. And true enough, it would only raise further ire amongst the masses if Snyder changed the name to accommodate any one of the others beyond RED. I mean think of it for a second: the Washington Blackskins? Yellowskins? Brownskins? Nah, no way. Gotta do better than any of THAT nonsense. So, it struck me all of a sudden. Why not combine those four possibilities into one, into one word that pays heed to each and all of our minority (so far at least) skin colors even as it celebrates the passions of bigots and billionaires everywhere? How about the WASHINGTON FOURSKINS!!

YEAH! And Yee Haw!

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 15, 2014: Hump Day: A Bridge Too Farce…

faceplant-300x222

Well, folks, the long awaited Traffic Study commissioned by Governor Chris Christie that necessitated the closure of 3 out of 4 toll boths on the busiest bridge in the world has now been released. Among its findings are:

  1. If you shut down the world’s busiest bridge, you create the world’s greatest gridlock.
  2. If you create the world’s greatest greatest gridlock, it will have a negative impact on the economy.
  3. If you cause a negative impact on the economy, people are going to ask why.
  4. If people ask why, you will have to lie.
  5. If you have to lie, an angel loses its wings.
  6. If an angel loses its wings, it falls to earth and becomes Satan.
  7. If an angel becomes Satan, gays will get married.
  8. If you want to keep gays from getting married, don’t shut down the world’s busiest bridge.

OPEN THREAD
IT’S HUMP DAY!
WOO-HOO

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 3/13/13: Daylight Savings Time, Inc.

Buried in the fine print in Paul Ryan’s proposed budget is a heretofore unnoticed provision to privatize Daylight Savings Time. When asked about it, a spokesperson for the Senator, who asked to remain anonymous, said,

“Daylight Savings Time is another wasteful government program and an unconstitutional infringement of our freedoms. The government has no business regulating our clocks. People have the right to get up early or sleep in.”

“Job creators shouldn’t be hampered with unnecessary regulations governing what time people show up for work, and what time they leave. This governmental intrusion into the workplace makes international commerce all the less competitive for American Businesses.”

“Besides, this program is inherently wasteful. I can’t imagine a more useless government function than trying to save daylight, only to pay it back in full the next fall. The government doesn’t even get interest on all the daylight it saves. And don’t even get me started about solar energy.”

The budget provision would defund all government expenditures aimed at implementing or enforcing Daylight Savings Time. It would then set up a bidding process whereby private industry can bid for Daylight Savings Time, with naming rights going to the highest bidder.

Daylight Savings Time is just the government’s way of letting the common man experience
jet-lag twice a year.

OPEN THREAD TIME
SPRING FORWARD!

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 6, 2013: The Sequester, Iran & the Virgin Islands.

Due to the sequester’s cutback in military spending, the Obama administration has had to scrub its plans to invade Iran. President Obama has decided to emulate President Reagan’s invasion of Granada by invading the Virgin Islands.

Republicans are in a quandry. Instinctively they oppose anything Obama proposes. But, in this case, Obama wants to invade the Virgin Islands without their consent. Given the Republican’s attitude towards rape, many are opting to blame the Virgin Islands for allowing themselves to be invaded by a black man, while others insist the troops be armed with vaginal ultrasound weapons as they establish their beachhead.

Open Thread Time.
Enjoy.

The Watering Hole, Fat Wednesday, February 13, 2013: Vatican Names New Pope

What, me worry?

What, me worry?

Following the suprise resignation of Pope Benedict, and the even greater suprise when God smote the Vatican with lightening the same day, the College of Cardinals held a secret emergency meeting and elected a new Pope.

Having had great success with Pope John Paul, and Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals decided to follow in the same vein and elected Pope Ringo George.

OPEN THREAD.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT?

MARDI GRAS?

BEADS?

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, January 2, 2013: Fiscal Cliff Averted Through Sale of Texas to China!

Tweeter calls in news of late breaking developments in the fiscal cliff negotiations.

Tweeter calls in news of late breaking developments in the fiscal cliff negotiations.

In a stunning development, inside sources reveal to Tweeter, the Zoo’s top investigative journalist, that China has made a bid to buy Texas. Apparently, top officials within the Chinese government have been following the petitions to the White House calling for the secession of Texas. It has not gone unnoticed that a significant number of Texicans want to seceede from the United States, and a significant number of non-Texans want them to leave.

Seizing on the opportunity, China made an offer neither the Obama Administration, nor the Republicans in Congress, could refuse. “They offered to pay us enough to entirely retire the national debt.” one administration official reported, on condition of anonymity. China will, reportedly, not have to come up with a great deal of cash out of pocket for the deal, since most of the debt is owed to China anyway.

The deal has been described as a win-win situation. China gets Texas, which will make it easier for them to import cheaply made products into the United States. The United States gets to wipe out its national debt overnight. And, as an added bonus, China will now have to deal with illegal immigrants from Mexico.

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD. ENJOY.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, October 31, 2012: Romney’s Zombies: Mormons posthumously registering voters.

Walker, The Zoo’s top underground reporter, digging up a new story.

It’s a widely known secret that Mormons baptize the deceased into the Mormon faith. But they have added a new twist in what most regard to be a bizarre practice: Mormons all across key battleground states have been secretly registering the deceased. Using their posthumously issued Baptismal Certificates as IDs, they then register everyone they have baptised into the Mormon faith as a Romney Republican. They also fill out a request for an absentee ballot on behalf of the deceased.

It is rumored that this registration drive has added hundreds of thousands of voters to the rolls in the key battleground states of Ohio, Virginia and Florida, and may prove to give Romney a victory in each of those states. In fact, it appears they have stepped up their efforts, baptizing, registering and casting an absentee ballot is now encompassed in a single ritual.

“County clerks began to question our voter registration drive” one individual involved in the practice spoke, on condition of anonymity. “but when we invoked the First Amendment Freedom of Religion, they usually back right down, especially in the South. “Cept that one in Dade County, Florida. She rejected one of our newly baptized into the faith just because his date of birth was approximately 1837. Heck, Lincoln freed the slaves, we’re just freeying their souls. Go figure.”

Romney, when asked about it, said “We’ve had dead people voting for years. Why should this election be any different?”

HAPPY HALLOWE’EN EVERYONE.

OPEN THREAD:

TRICK

TREAT

OR POST

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, October 3, 2012: On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama: Master Debaters

Tweeter

Invisible Mitt

Invisible Obama

Dateline: Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The first of the Presidential Debates between Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt will take place in Brodie, California. Brodie is a Ghost Town, a holdover from the glory days of the California Gold Rush, where such towns sprang up overnight, and were abandoned just as quickly when the ore ran out. Brodie was selected for its remoteness and lack of a living population.

Tweeter: Before we get going on tonight’s topics, which include the economy, health care and the role of government and governing, I want to ask each of you what you’ve done to prepare for tonight’s debates. Mitt?

IM: I’ve been doing a lot of aerobics. It really helps shake things up, so I can get a new position on everything.

IO: Me? I’ve just been doing a lot of leg lifts to stay in shape. (chuckles)

Tweeter: Mitt, I see you’re beginning with a blank slate. Any comment?

IM: I am fully prepared to take any position on anything you ask.

Tweeter: With that, let’s get started. First up is the economy. We had a booming economy when President Clinton left office. The budget was balanced, and we were even paying down the national debt. Eight years later, we were running massive deficits, the floor was falling out from under the stock market. hundreds of thousands of workers were being laid off each month. Invisible Obama, what have you done in the past three and a half years to turn this country around?

IO: Not enough, Tweeter. Yes, I got a stimulus bill through, but it was barely enough to keep the country from sliding into a Great Depression. But I had to agree to letting the very same people who drove the economy over the cliff keep their massive Bush Tax Cuts…that’s the only way I can ever get anything past the Republicans in the Senate.

IM: There you go, blaming Republicans for your failed policies. The stimulus didn’t work because it didn’t cut taxes enough, it didn’t cut regulations enough. If you really want to stimulate the economy, you have to stop taxing the job creators and get rid of wasteful government regulations. Now I’m all for children. God knows Ann popped out enough of them. But why keep them out of the labor force? Why not let them, if they’re industrious enough, go out and get a job and start taking advantage of all the opportunities this Great Country has to offer to get ahead in life. I’m a prime example of pulling myself up by my own bootstraps and making a name for myself.

IO: As I was saying before my illustrious opponent interrupted me, I have had to deal with Republican obstructionism in the Senate since Day One. That’s why I need to be re-elected, so I can continue to do the same things, only this time, I hope the voters toss out the ten Republicans that are up for re-election this year.

IM: (chuckling) Good luck with that! Zing! Oops, wasn’t supposed to say that.

IO: And I suppose you can do better?

Continue reading

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, September 19, 2012: On the Campaign Trail With Invisible Obama

From Left to Right: Invisible Obama, Clint Eastwood & Invisible Dirty Harry

Tweeter, The Zoo’s top investigative journalist, caught up with Invisible Obama and Invisible Dirty Harry in the high desert of the south western part of the United States as they prepared for the upcoming debates.

Tweeter


As luck would have it, Tweeter arrived just in time to watch as Clint Eastwood joined the two for a rare photo op. After posing for several photos, Clint retired back to Carmel where he could reminisce about his days as Mayor of the enclave-for-the-wealthy-by-the-sea. Invisible Obama and Invisible Dirty Harry escaped from the blistering desert heat high above one of LA’s busiest freeways to sit in air conditioned conditioned comfort as they exchanged barbs.

Invisible Obama

IO: Can we agree to be reasonable in our disussions of what is best for this country?

IDH: I tried being reasonable, but I didn’t like it. Extremism is so easy. You’ve got your position, and that’s it. It doesn’t take much thought.

Tweeter: Let’s talk about gun control. Invisible Dirty Harry, I know that’s a topic near and dear to your heart.

IDH: I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

IO: I want to take people’s guns away. In fact, one of my greatest failures was my inability to capitalize on the shooting of Rep. Giffords to get legislation passed overturning the Second Amendment. Sales of guns and ammo have skyrocketed during my administration.

Tweeter: What about the shooting of Rep. Giffords, and the the theater shooting? Shouldn’t we do something to make it more difficult for one unbalanced individual to shoot several innocent people?

IDH: Nothing wrong with shooting…as long as the right people get shot.

IO: Are you saying it was right to shoot Rep. Giffords?

IDH: Nag, nag, nag.

Invisible Dirty Harry

As Invisible Dirty Harry started to reach for his shoulder holster, Tweeter decided to change subjects.

Tweeter: How do you feel about marriage equality?

IO: I support the rights of people of the same gender to get married.

IDH: There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Tweeter: So…if the only way to have a happy marriage is to marry someone of your same gender, would you get married again?

IDH: Ok, you did two things wrong. One is you asked a question, and two is, you asked another question.

As Invisible Dirty Harry reached inside his suit coat again, Tweeter quickly changed topics.

Tweeter: You made the movie “Flags of our Fathers”, about the American’s on Iwo Jima. What’s your stand on foreign policy?

IDH: This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.

Tweeter: I thought it cost over $50 million?

IDH: Nag, nag, nag.

IO: I believe we should apologize to our enemies and hope they won’t do anything bad to us.

IDH: A man’s got to know his limitations.

IO: Are you saying I’m weak?

IDH: You’re a legend in your own mind.

IO: I am the first black President.

IDH: Well that’s just swell.

Tweeter: What about the birther controvery?

IO: There is no controversy. I was born and raised a Muslim in Kenya, but I got the courts to buy into my fake Hawaiian birth certificate.

IDH: I’m an American. I don’t even know why the hell I’m here.

Invisible Obama chuckled.

IDH: I don’t think it’s nice, you laughin’.

With that, Invisible Dirty Harry pulled out his 44 magnum.

IDH: Make my day.

No sooner did Invisible Dirty Harry point the gun at Invisible Obama, two invisible Secret Service Agents swarmed him.

Tweeter: How long have you had a Secret Service detail?

IO: Ever since Clint Eastwood put me in the limelight at the Republican Convention. Until then, I pretty much lived in the shadows.

As Invisible Dirty Harry was being dragged out of the building, he shouted, “Am I being paranoid, or is he busting my balls?”

“Where are you off to next?” Tweeter asked the invisible candidate.

“I may head to an in vitro clinic. I hear there’s a voter registration drive being kicked off in anticipation of giving zygotes full personhood status.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD.
GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY!

Bonus video: Continue reading

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, September 5, 2012: Searching for a Grain of Truth

“Walker”, The Zoo’s underground reporter.


Dateline: September 1, 2012.

Following the RNC’s Convention, “Walker” (not his real name) Mole went underground in search for a grain of truth.

“I got nuthin’.” Walker reported. “I started out in Tampa, figuring that where the convention was held would be the closest to the truth. I was wrong. Oh, sure, down there amongst all the sand, half-truths abounded. But I couldn’t find one single grain of truth there. I knew I had to dig deeper, and so I did.”

The Mole wasn’t heard from for several days. Suddenly, he emerged in China, of all places.

“Thankfully, I had my Chinese-Mole dictionary with me. It turns out that after digging straight through the earth, I found a grain of truth. The Chinese figure that with Romney as President, they’ll be able to buy the country. They looked at his record at Bain Capital, and figured it wouldn’t take long before Romney began shedding parts of the Federal Government in order to maximize short-term gains. They’re looking at buying the Department of Interior and the Department of Transportation. They realize they’ll be in a bidding war with Saudi Arabia for the Department of Energy.”

The Mole then expanded his search for a grain of truth, and found himself in Germany. “The Germans, it seems, have their eye on the Department of Education. But they’re afraid Romney will just scrap that Department and farm it out to the 50 States. So they’re naturally leery about trying to pick it up piecemeal. But if they can buy the whole thing at one shot, they figure they’ll come out ahead in the long run.”

“By the time this report airs, I’ll be in North Carolina.” Walker Mole continued, “looking for a grain of truth to fall from the Democratic Convention.”


THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD. TRUTHINESS, ANYONE?

Secret Plot to Give Birth to Anchor Babies Abroad Unveiled!

“Walker”, The Zoo’s deep underground investigative reporter.

The Zoo is proud to announce its association with “Walker” (not his real name), our deep underground investigative reporter, tasked with digging out stories no one else can find.

In this, Walker’s first report, he details a disturbing new plot concocted by foreigners to take over America’s government.

Anchor Babies.

Currently, Anchor Babies are babies born in the United States by non-citizen mothers. But with the adoption of the Republican “Anti Abortion” Platform Plank the U.S. of A. moves a step closer to allowing its government to be taken over by foreigners.

Republicans are covertly moving to ensconse in the U.S. Constitution the “Personhood” amendment, defining a fertilized egg as a person, with all the rights and responsibilities of full U.S. Citizenship. And that’s where the foreign plot comes in: vacationers. What happens in Vegas won’t stay in Vegas. She has her fling, conceives, then takes that U.S. citizen abroad to be born and raised with foreign values, but with the full rights of U.S. citizenship – including the right to vote in our elections!

No longer will U.S. elections be a fight between Blue States and Red States, but between Eurpoean, Russian, African, and Asian Americans born and raised under foreign flags, oweing their allegiance and upbringing to foreign leaders and ideologies.

So, while the Republican Party publically denounces the United Nations, they are secretly working with the U.N. and travel agents world-wide to give foreigners more and more influence over America’s electoral system.

The Watering Hole: Hump Day: Wednesday, August 15, 2012: Breaking Gnus: Romney’s VP Choice

“Tweeter tweets.”

Once again, Tweeter, The Zoo’s premier investivative journalist, is first on the scene and first with the news of Presumptive Presidential Candidate of the Republican Party, Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney’s Vice Presidential Pick.

Sources closest to the candidate revealed Halliburton was going to get the nod. It was a tough call, as the choice of potential running mates eventually narrowed down to just three: Academi, formerly Xe, formerly Blackwater; Bain Capital; and Halliburton.

Academi, a favorite with the gun crowd and evangelical christians, was felt to be a little too militaristic. Romney’s fears they might pull of a coup finally scratched the paramilitary force. It was also thought that with its frequent name-changes, it has lost its once-famous brand recognition. “People know and love Blackwater. But the meme at least since the days of Reagan have been to distrust Academia.” one source commented. In the end, it was decided to keep Academi on the side, perhaps reserving a cabinet post for the Corporation.

Bain Capital was Romney’s favorite going into the selection process. But backgrond checks revealed Corporate plans to leverage a buyout of the Executive Branch. Negotiations ensued regarding Romney’s golden parachute from the buyout, and whether he could enjoy his term to completion, then retroactively give up the Presidency to Bain Capital. Negotiations broke down, however, when Romney insisted he be given Rhode Island as part of his severance.

That left Halliburton. It is well-connected, has loads of foreign policy experience, and has an added plus of the backing of former VP Dick Cheney. The fact that it is now headquartered on foreign soil didn’t seem to bother the Presumptive Presidential Pick. “Lot’s of Americans live overseas. I don’t see why we should treat Halliburton any different than any other red-blooded American Patriot.” Romney was reported to say.

Unfortunately, just minutes before Romney was to make his historic announcement, Halliburton called and declined. “I took a long, hard look at the balance sheet, and untimately concluded that it wouldn’t be profitable, on a cost-benefit analysis, to be tied up for 4-8 years as VP.” Halliburton reportedly told Romney in a call to his cell phone just before he stepped on the stage to announce his pick. “I’m hoping to be named Secretary of Commerce.” Halliburton told reporters later.

Shaken by this last-minute turn of events, Romney approached the podium where he promptly introduced Paul Ryan as the next President of the United States. And, with that slip of the tongue, Paul Ryan became Mitt Romney’s VP Pick.

THIS IS OUR OTOTD. (OPEN THREAD OF THE DAY)
ENJOY

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, August 8, 2012: Hump Day! Now What!

This post is being written as NASA gives its first press conference following the successful landing of Curiosity on Mars.

At this point, this author will look into his crystal ball and report the following stories now, ahead of them happening in real time, to be revealed later, when they have already occured.

Republicans were quick to give George Bush full credit for the Curiosity landing. This program began 8 years ago, when Bush was President, therefore He gets full credit for its success.

Republicans were also quick to blame Obama for Curiosity’s failure. Two days have gone by, and Curiosity failed to find proof of life on Mars. Christian leaders across the evangelical spectrum blamed Obama for seeking out new life forms, when God only created life on Earth. “Life on Mars goes against the Bible.” one editorial proclaimed.

But this Mars landing has created a bit of a rift within the extremes of the Right Wing. On the one hand, many consider this to be part of a plot to bring Communism to the United States. Mars is the Red Planet, and by going to Mars, Obama has aligned himself with the Red Menace, i.e. communism.

But others take a different view. Mars is Red, just as Conservative States are Red. Bush, in sending this Rover to Mars has staked out a new frontier for conservatives in our solar system. These forward-looking conservatives look to the day when Mars’ electoral votes secure a permanent conservative majority in the solar system forever. However, it did not escape their notice that all of the NASA scientists were wearing blue…

Meanwhile, Republicans in the House and Senate have introduced bills to eliminate funding for the Curiosity program. We need jobs here in the United States, not on Mars. People working in goverment jobs such as NASA aren’t working in real jobs. One alternative bill seeks to privatize NASA, with Halliburton purportedly backing the effort.

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD, WE GO BOLDLY WHERE NO BLOG HAS GONE BEFORE, TO REPORT THE NEWS BEFORE IT HAPPENS, AFTER IT HAPPENS

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 6/13/12

Tweeter calls in his latest scoop.

What’s black and white and red all over?

Obama, Romney and the 2012 electoral map.

Once again, Tweeter, the Zoo’s primo investigative journalist is first on the scene with the Gnus. Diebold has already called the 2012 election for President-elect Mitt Romney. Eeking out a narrow victory within the statistical margin of error in each of the swing states Romney walks away with 100% of the votes of the Electoral College, a fete not accomplished by any presidential candidate since George Washington.

Through countless hours of painstakingly pasting together documents in Diebold’s shredding machines, Tweeter discovered draft acceptance and concession speeches.

President Obama will be magnamous in defeat:

The people have spoken. I promised them change, but didn’t deliver. Too often, change was dictated by the minority of Republicans in the Senate. Where I failed, they succeeded. I wanted jobs for all, they wanted a continued economic decline. They won. I wanted health care for everyone. They wanted profits for the insurance industry. They won. Even when I wanted what they wanted, they opposed it, and won. And now, they won the presidency. For that, I congratulate them. I am going back to the place of my birth proud of what I, a black man from Kenya, was able to accomplish. One term. As President. Of the United States. Of. America.

President-Elect Romney will be gracious in winning:

Where’s my Etch-a-Sketch? Is this thing on? … My fellow Americans…tonight we celebrate a great victory for Americans where ever they are. You have given me a mandate as clear as black and white. I want what you want. You want fewer government services…so do I. You want fewer teachers, police, and firefighters, so do I. You want to get rid of unions. So do I. You want to get rid of ObamaCare. So do I. You want to eliminate the minimum wage. So do I. You want to keep gays from getting married. So do I. You want marriage to be between one man and one woman. So do I…but we can talk about numbers later. You want to prevent your wives, daughters and girlfriends from having the choice to have an abortion, so do I. You want to close our borders to illegal immigration. So do I. You want to rid the world of terrorists, liberals and socialists. So do I. And now I’ll have the drones to do just that!

THIS THREAD IS NOW OPEN
ANY COMMENTS YOU POST
MAY BE HELD AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF FLAW

Teh WateringHole: Wednesday, May 9, 2012: There’s A Hole in the Budget

“Tweeter”, our investigative journalist, calling in his latest report.

According to our latest sources, members of the T-Party are unhappy with Mr. Etch a Sketch, the Presumptive Presidential Pick of the rePublican Party. So much so, that they’ve come up with their own marching song:

There’s a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, there’s a hole.

Fix the hole in the budget, poor people, poor people;
Fix the hole in the budget, poor people, fix it.

With what shall we fix it, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
With what shall we fix it, Mitt Romney, with what?

I’ll cut Welfare, poor people, poor people,
I’ll cut Welfare, poor people, I’ll cut.

There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, still a hole.

I’ll cut food stamps, poor people, poor people,
I’ll cut food stamps, poor people, I’ll cut.

There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney’s still A-Hole.

(sung to the tune “There’s a hole in the bucket”)

YUP
OPEN THREAD
OPEN UP
ADD VERSES, IF YOU LIKE
OR
WHATEVER

(yeah, just try to get this song out of yer head!)

:lol:

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 2, 2012: Corporate Person Hood, Part IV

"Tweeter," our investigative journalist hard at work.

Once again, The Zoo has learned exclusive inside information into the developing story of Corporate Person Hood. According to sources deep inside the executive branch, Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr., has convened a secret grand jury for the purpose of seeking indictments for First Degree Murder against Bain Capital.

This stunning development began shortly after Presumptive Presidential Candidate Mitt, Corporations are People, Romney stated, in public, that Corporations are People. With that admission, investigators sprung into action.

We’re focusing on the period from 1984 to 1999” an insider revealed. That’s when Romney ran Bain, driving 17 companies into bankruptcy or complete closure. “The bankruptcy cases don’t interest us right now. That’s kind of like sending a Corporation Person into ER, and they recover. We want the cases where the Corporation Person ceased to exist because Bain sucked all the life out of it. That’s murder, and there’s no statute of limitations on murder.”

Sources also indicate the DoJ is looking to indicte Romney as a co-conspirator with the Corporation Person Bain Capital. “He may well be the master-mind behind the whole thing,” another anonymous insider stated. The insider then added, off the record, that the indictments are being planned for the week of the Republican National Convention.

The Zoo stopped by Romney’s headquarters for comment, but staffers there were too busy shaking Etch-a-Sketches to speak. One harried staffer paused just long enough to say, “look, we’ve got thousands of Etch-a-Sketches to shake…one for each of Romney’s positions he has held over his entire political life. We don’t have time to respond to every little rumor about Romney killing this Corporation Person or that Corporation Person.” With that, a moving van arrived. “Oh God, it’s his Stances on Women Etch-a-Sketches – they’ve finally arrived.” The staffer ran screaming into the headquarters, “A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
IF BAIN CAPITAL SHUT DOWN KELLOGS, WOULD IT BE A CEREAL KILLER?

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 18, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Three

This is our third installment of our multi-part series on Corporate Person Hood. Here at The Zoo, our investigative reporters have learned that the Person Hood movement is expanding. Once relegated to the large, multi-national for-profit corporations, there is now a crass-roots movement to recognize small corporations, those with 25 or fewer shareholders, as people, too.

Lawsuits on behalf of Limited Liability Corporations are being contemplated, arguing that the 14th amendment, which prohibits discrimination, should be interpreted to prohibit discrimination based on size. “Size, when it comes to a Corporation, really shouldn’t matter.” said one attorney, who chose to remain anonymous. “A one-member LLC is still a corporation, and that corporation is a person. Mitt Romney said so.”

Not to be outdone, religious non-profits are claiming being excluded from Corporate Person Hood is religious discrimination. “After all, we represent the Body of Christ” a spokesperson for several denominations claimed. “His Body on Earth must be recognized as a Person.” That interview was cut short as the representatives from various denominations began fighting amongst themselves as to which one should be recognized as Christ’s Corporate Person Hood.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD

IF YOU WERE A CORPORATION, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR CORPORATE PERSON HOOD?

The Watering Hole, So Happy It’s Thursday, April 12, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Too

In yesterday’s Open Thread, The Zoo revealed Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney’s plan for a Corporate Personhood Bill. Since breaking that story, more insider information has come to light.

Obama’s DoJ, not to be outdone, has arrested World News Corporation for its role in the email hacking scandal. A top official in the DoJ, who refused to be identified for the purposes of this story explained. “The headquarters building of World News Corporation is under house arrest. We have encircled the building with what is essentially a large ankle bracelet, so we will know where the building is at all time. The Corporation was allowed its one phone call. After that, we cut all communications.”

People inside the Person were allowed to gather thier belongings and leave. A spokesman for the Corporation said the move by the DoJ was patently unfair and illegal. “To cut off all contact with the outside world is cruel and unusual punishment. It’s tantamount to solitary confinement while under house arrest. Sure, it is still outside, getting fresh air and sunshine, but it’s a News Corporation. Being cut off from communications is like the death penalty, but there’s been no trial, no conviction.”

When asked about what the DoJ plans to do with the Corporate headquarters should the Corporation be convicted, the DoJ spokesperson said that the Department is looking into building a new prison, one specially designed to incarcerate Corporations, where the headquarters building will be relocated to serve out its term.

OPEN THREAD, TOO

PART TWO.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 11, 2012: Hump Day: Corporate Personhood.

When elected President, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney plans to take things one step further. Sources deep inside the Romney Campaign revealed to The Zoo Romney’s planned Corporate Personhood bill.

The bill will define Corporate Life as existing at the point of conception. In other words, the moment anyone conceives of creating a Corporation, that Corporation is endowed with the status of personhood, with all the rights, privileges and responsibilities that carries.

For example, the insider explained, no longer will Secretaries of State be allowed to reject a Corporate filing. Rejecting a filing would be the same as a doctor performing an abortion. So what if the paperwork fails to name a Treasurer. Kids are born with birth defects all the time. The same should be true of Corporations. It just means the Corporation would go through its life disabled. In the case of lacking a Treasurer, the Corporation would not be able to make bank deposits or withdrawls, but could otherwise conduct its business just as any other person in America.

To be sure, the insider said, there are some things yet to be worked out. The recent Trevor Martin shooting adds a new wrinkle. Corporations would have the right to bear arms, and, in about 33 states, can shoot to kill any time they feel threatened. Corporate self-defense could take on a very new meaning, especially in the face of a hostile take-over.

People at Bain Capital refused to comment for this story.

OPEN THREAD

GO AHEAD….MAKE MY DAY

The Watering Hole: March 17 – Saint Patrick

On this day in 461 A.D., Saint Patrick, Christian missionary, bishop and apostle of Ireland, died at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland.

Much of what is known about Patrick’s legendary life comes from the Confessio, which he authored. Born in Great Britain to a well-to-do Christian family, Patrick was captured and enslaved at age 16 by Irish raiders. He worked as a herder For the next six years in Ireland. Following a voice he heard in a dream he escaped, sailed to Britain and was reunited with his family.

Patrick seemed to hear the voices of Irishmen pleading with him to return to their country and walk among them once more. He studied for the priesthood and ultimately Patrick was ordained as a bishop. Arriving in Ireland in 433, he began preaching the Gospel and converted thousands of Irish and built churches around the country. After 40 years in Ireland Patrick died on March 17, 461 in Saul the site of his first church. As time passed, the Irish began to observe the day of Saint Patrick’s death as a religious holiday

Since then countless legends have grown up around Saint Patrick. For one, he is credited with driving the snakes out of Ireland.

This brings me to the point of why I started this post. If Saint Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, why can’t he be resurrected and do the same with the GOP in America? Aren’t they equivalent to the snakes of Ireland?

Of course, Saint Patrick had a slight advantage – reptiles never entered the evolutionary record on the Irish land mass and had not crossed the water barrier from England.

We can always hope.

Oh,and lest I forget, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

This is our Open Thread. It is your time to rant!

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 7, 2012: tHump Day.

What, me worry?

After losing 3 dozen advertisers this past week, Rush Limbaugh gained a new sponsor, Acme Pharmapseudicals, makers of douche supplies.

“We’re going to put Rush’s face on all our products,” a Pharmapseudical spokesperson said, speaking under a promise of anonymity. “Limbaugh seems a natural for our products. I mean, when you think of Rush, you think, what a douchebag!”

Rumors have it Rush is negotiating to be the new face of Preparation H as well. The public relations Pfolks at Pfizer were tight-lipped about it, but off the record, one confided getting Rush would be a big score. “He’s the biggest and best known asshole in America.” the insider said. “And right now, when you think of Limbaugh, you can’t help but think, ‘what a pain in the ass!’ The product tie-in is a natural.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD. RUSH’S CAREER MAY BE FLAMING OUT FASTER THAN THE HINDENBURG BLIMP LINE. ROMNEY SCORES BIG OVER SANTORUM ON STUPOR TUESDAY. ADD YOUR 2 CENTS BELOW.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, February 29, 2012: Captain Kirk to vie for RNC nomination!

William Shatner, best known for his role as Captain Kirk of the United Federation of Planets Starship Enterprise, issued a press release this leap day announcing his intent to seek the Republican Nomination for President, in the event none of the current candidates go into the RNC Convention with the nomination locked up.

“I look at it this way,” Shatner said in a recent interview,

Nobody in the current Republican field has more foreign policy experience than I do. I was battling Klingons and Romulans while Santorum was still in grade school. And Romney may be a captain of industry, but I was Captain of a Starship. Romney led Bain Capital that bought up companies and bankrupted them. I helped take a defunct science fiction TV series to a successful franchise that had multiple successful spin-offs and created numerous jobs.

I will lead the Republican Party, and this Country into the future. The Republican Party ended slavery. I had the first inter-racial kiss on TV.

I have dealt with illegal aliens on a galactic scale, and I always win.

When it comes to the economy, who…has a better reputation than…me … “THE … NEGOTIATOR” for the best rates for flights and lodging…anywhere!

And … like that Great Republican, Ronald Reagan, I … too … am a movie star. But where Reagan co-starred with a monkey, I … co-starred with a Vulcan. That’s gotta count…for….something.

Shatner’s announcement, coming on the heels of Super Tuesday, caught the Republican establishment totally off-guard. When asked for comment, Santorum said, “Captain Who?” Romney said “I’m good friends with the producers of Star Trek.” Ron Paul said, “Why do we need a Federation of Planets, anyway?” And Newt Gingrich said “Shatner’s a bad actor from a bad TV series that would lead our country in the wrong direction. I’m the only candidate who has promised to build a base on the Moon, because I know that obelisque is up there in the Tycho Crater.”

Sarah Palin issued a press release of her own stating, “Bill Shatner’s no big deal. I can see space from my front porch in Alaska!”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD. ENJOY “LEAP DAY”. WOMEN, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE: GO OUT AND PROPOSE TO SOMEONE TONIGHT!

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 2-22-12: A Limerick for Your Thoughts?

The candidate Richard Santorum,
Touts the ’vangelical forum;
He’d ban birth control,
With great vitriol,
To women who like sex, he’d whore’m.

Mitt Romney is just such a blast,
Once you get over his past,
He’s on every side,
Like the ever-changing tide,
Schizophrenic’s the role he’s been cast.

Now Newt Gingrich, what can I say?
Shut the government down in his day.
It’s not his fault,
He rubs wounds with salt,
And derides all who stand in his way.

Libertarians stand by Ron Paul,
And surely he gave them his all,
Legalize pot,
Smoke all you got,
But his poll numbers still fall.

The drop-outs are there by the score,
Cain, Palin, and Bachmann and more,
Perry said “Oops”
While Palin did loops,
And Cain’s 9-9-9 hit the floor.

Dear Friends, here’s the GOP pool,
Each one sounds a 1 percent tool,
But lest you should dread,
Tis our Open Thread,
Where Comments are really quite cool.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 25, 2012: BREAKING GNUS — RNC TO CANCEL REST OF PRIMARIES!

In a stunning move, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus informed the Florida Secretary of State that his party was cancelling the Florida Primary, as well as the rest of the primaries set for later this spring. He held a press conference at 5:a.m. Eastern time to announce his decision.

“I’m glad you all could make it on such short notice” Priebus began, addressing the lone reporter who happened by on his way to a nearby Dunkin Donuts. Priebus continued:

We have three candidates, each of whom has won a primary. But their attacks on each other have been so dead-bang accurate that none of them are electable in a general election. I am therefore suspending the rest of the primary season to prevent the further destruction of the Republican Party.

Right now, the polls show that the only Republican Candidate who does not have a 50% plus disapproval rating from independent voters is Stephen Colbert. While I understand he has dropped out of the race for the President of the United States of South Carolina, it is my hope that I can convince him by the time we have our Convention to toss his hat into the ring for President of the United States of America. He alone can save the Republican Party.

The reporter immediately called Stephen Colbert for his comment on this startling revelation. “F— you, Stewart!” Colbert said, “Do you know what time it is? I am not coordinating with you on my Super PAC!”

Later, Colbert gave a prepared statement, “I am deeply honored by Reince Priebus’ call to serve this great country of ours. But before accepting, I would like to know if I get to choose my running mate, because Jane Fonda is hot. Next, I would like to know if I was elected, could I re-design the Oval Office to have some corners? Because I can think of a few Congressmen I would love to see stand in the corner.”

This be the Daily Open Thread. HAPPY HUMP DAY.