The Watering Hole, Wednesday: Hump Day, November 19, 2014

Welcome to deregulation  2.0. Republicans are giddy at the prospects of controlling both houses of Congress. Only one thing is certain, come January 2015: Congressional gridlock will be a thing of the past. Staffers and aids will be working overtime this Christmas season, drafting bills to deregulate everything from the workplace to how many peanuts must go into a jar of peanut butter.

That makes this next bit of news even more alarming. Yet, as serious as this is, it has gotten no mention in the mainstream media. So, once again, we at The Zoo bring you this exclusive.

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Section 2. Congress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. (Amendment XIII to the Constitution of the United States of America)

Thanks to three-strikes laws and drug laws falling disproportionately on the poor and minorities, the for-profit prison industry thrives on slave labor. [note: since this post was wrintten on Sunday, this story broke about prison labor in California.] But come January, there will be a seismic shift, as the Republican-led Congress moves to rid the nation of all laws that enforce the 13th Amendment. Not only will owning a slave no longer be a criminal offense, Republicans plan on stripping the jurisdiction of the federal courts to hear cases where someone claims a violation of constitutional rights under the 13th Amendment.

The move is expected to be hearalded as a major blow to terrorism. “They hate us for our freedoms” President Bush observed. By deregulating slavery, terrorists will no longer have a reason to hate us.

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, June 25, 2014: I’m Baaaack!

Hello folks,

I see you all enjoyed my little contests while I was on vacation. Now for something completely different, or, idle musings of a demented and sacareligious mind….

Fundamental christians believe a person is created at conception.

They also believe in the resurection of the body – that is, we will all be resurrected in our physical form after everyone is raised from the dead on Judgment day.

Well, that means that there are going to be millions of fertilized eggs, persons lost by miscarriages, resurrected outside the womb.

ooooooow….

That’s gonna smell after a couple of days…..

OPEN THREAD

GOT ANYTHING TO ADD?

The Watering Hole; Thursday March 27 2014; What’s in a Name?

With the news stories of the day being pretty much limited to the still unknown fate of MH370, to Hobby Lobby’s hoped-for love affair with SCOTUS, and of course to the remnants of the Chris Christie/GWBridgegate horse puckey, I thought maybe it was time for a break.

And up it popped: the Washington Redskins, and all the emergent fuss over the team’s insulting nickname. Now, as everyone who knows me is well aware, I have zero interest in professional sports no matter the genre. Be it football, basketball, baseball, soccer, hockey — name it — I don’t waste even a moment per decade on any of it. But, then once in awhile an aside of sorts pops up and . . . well, what the hell.

Here’s a brief summation courtesy of the Washington Post, where it’s noted that

In the past year [team owner Daniel] Snyder has faced stiff criticism over the team’s name, which some Native American tribes have called offensive. Several state and local officials have also spoken out against the name. Last season, the Redskins drew protests at many of their road games, with crowds of several hundred turning out to their matchups in Denver and Minnesota. Groups also have lobbied NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to take action.

Word on the street has it that Snyder’s ego won’t allow him to engage the potential humiliation implicit in knuckling under to popular opinion, to acknowledge the name “Redskins” is, more than anything else, a racial epithet that insults Native American Tribal entities all across the country. The owner of a professional football franchise valued at some $1.7 billion is, at least in Snyder’s own mind, far too important to pay attention to anything that non-billionaires might think. As the Washington Post puts it,

Snyder, who has owned the Redskins since 1999, maintains the team’s nickname represents the heritage of the 81-year-old franchise and is meant to honor Native Americans.

Right. I mean really, how better to honor Native Americans everywhere than via the well-worn epithet “Redskins”?

Well, anyway, I decided I would offer my services — at no charge, of course — by suggesting an appropriate alternative moniker for that 81-year-old Washington heritage, a nickname far more worthy of a $1.7 billion franchise than “Redskins.” Still, in keeping with the apparent thesis that a racist epithet is, to many, a somehow cool and honorable means of demeaning those of inferior blood, I’ve concluded that maybe both expanding that concept AND at the same time toning it down a bit might be something Snyder could live with, maybe even like?

OK. So. Rather than sticking with REDskins and insulting ONLY Native Americans, why not dig in and nail each and every skin color (other that white, of course) to that old familiar KKKross? Go for the Gold! as someone said once. Somewhere. I forget where. Anyway, there are, scattered across this land and around the globe, folks with RED skins, with BLACK skins, with YELLOW skins, and with BROWN skins. And true enough, it would only raise further ire amongst the masses if Snyder changed the name to accommodate any one of the others beyond RED. I mean think of it for a second: the Washington Blackskins? Yellowskins? Brownskins? Nah, no way. Gotta do better than any of THAT nonsense. So, it struck me all of a sudden. Why not combine those four possibilities into one, into one word that pays heed to each and all of our minority (so far at least) skin colors even as it celebrates the passions of bigots and billionaires everywhere? How about the WASHINGTON FOURSKINS!!

YEAH! And Yee Haw!

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 15, 2014: Hump Day: A Bridge Too Farce…

faceplant-300x222

Well, folks, the long awaited Traffic Study commissioned by Governor Chris Christie that necessitated the closure of 3 out of 4 toll boths on the busiest bridge in the world has now been released. Among its findings are:

  1. If you shut down the world’s busiest bridge, you create the world’s greatest gridlock.
  2. If you create the world’s greatest greatest gridlock, it will have a negative impact on the economy.
  3. If you cause a negative impact on the economy, people are going to ask why.
  4. If people ask why, you will have to lie.
  5. If you have to lie, an angel loses its wings.
  6. If an angel loses its wings, it falls to earth and becomes Satan.
  7. If an angel becomes Satan, gays will get married.
  8. If you want to keep gays from getting married, don’t shut down the world’s busiest bridge.

OPEN THREAD
IT’S HUMP DAY!
WOO-HOO

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 3/13/13: Daylight Savings Time, Inc.

Buried in the fine print in Paul Ryan’s proposed budget is a heretofore unnoticed provision to privatize Daylight Savings Time. When asked about it, a spokesperson for the Senator, who asked to remain anonymous, said,

“Daylight Savings Time is another wasteful government program and an unconstitutional infringement of our freedoms. The government has no business regulating our clocks. People have the right to get up early or sleep in.”

“Job creators shouldn’t be hampered with unnecessary regulations governing what time people show up for work, and what time they leave. This governmental intrusion into the workplace makes international commerce all the less competitive for American Businesses.”

“Besides, this program is inherently wasteful. I can’t imagine a more useless government function than trying to save daylight, only to pay it back in full the next fall. The government doesn’t even get interest on all the daylight it saves. And don’t even get me started about solar energy.”

The budget provision would defund all government expenditures aimed at implementing or enforcing Daylight Savings Time. It would then set up a bidding process whereby private industry can bid for Daylight Savings Time, with naming rights going to the highest bidder.

Daylight Savings Time is just the government’s way of letting the common man experience
jet-lag twice a year.

OPEN THREAD TIME
SPRING FORWARD!

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, March 6, 2013: The Sequester, Iran & the Virgin Islands.

Due to the sequester’s cutback in military spending, the Obama administration has had to scrub its plans to invade Iran. President Obama has decided to emulate President Reagan’s invasion of Granada by invading the Virgin Islands.

Republicans are in a quandry. Instinctively they oppose anything Obama proposes. But, in this case, Obama wants to invade the Virgin Islands without their consent. Given the Republican’s attitude towards rape, many are opting to blame the Virgin Islands for allowing themselves to be invaded by a black man, while others insist the troops be armed with vaginal ultrasound weapons as they establish their beachhead.

Open Thread Time.
Enjoy.

The Watering Hole, Fat Wednesday, February 13, 2013: Vatican Names New Pope

What, me worry?

What, me worry?

Following the suprise resignation of Pope Benedict, and the even greater suprise when God smote the Vatican with lightening the same day, the College of Cardinals held a secret emergency meeting and elected a new Pope.

Having had great success with Pope John Paul, and Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals decided to follow in the same vein and elected Pope Ringo George.

OPEN THREAD.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT?

MARDI GRAS?

BEADS?