The Watering Hole: Wednesday, August 8, 2012: Hump Day! Now What!

This post is being written as NASA gives its first press conference following the successful landing of Curiosity on Mars.

At this point, this author will look into his crystal ball and report the following stories now, ahead of them happening in real time, to be revealed later, when they have already occured.

Republicans were quick to give George Bush full credit for the Curiosity landing. This program began 8 years ago, when Bush was President, therefore He gets full credit for its success.

Republicans were also quick to blame Obama for Curiosity’s failure. Two days have gone by, and Curiosity failed to find proof of life on Mars. Christian leaders across the evangelical spectrum blamed Obama for seeking out new life forms, when God only created life on Earth. “Life on Mars goes against the Bible.” one editorial proclaimed.

But this Mars landing has created a bit of a rift within the extremes of the Right Wing. On the one hand, many consider this to be part of a plot to bring Communism to the United States. Mars is the Red Planet, and by going to Mars, Obama has aligned himself with the Red Menace, i.e. communism.

But others take a different view. Mars is Red, just as Conservative States are Red. Bush, in sending this Rover to Mars has staked out a new frontier for conservatives in our solar system. These forward-looking conservatives look to the day when Mars’ electoral votes secure a permanent conservative majority in the solar system forever. However, it did not escape their notice that all of the NASA scientists were wearing blue…

Meanwhile, Republicans in the House and Senate have introduced bills to eliminate funding for the Curiosity program. We need jobs here in the United States, not on Mars. People working in goverment jobs such as NASA aren’t working in real jobs. One alternative bill seeks to privatize NASA, with Halliburton purportedly backing the effort.

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD, WE GO BOLDLY WHERE NO BLOG HAS GONE BEFORE, TO REPORT THE NEWS BEFORE IT HAPPENS, AFTER IT HAPPENS

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, 6/13/12

Tweeter calls in his latest scoop.

What’s black and white and red all over?

Obama, Romney and the 2012 electoral map.

Once again, Tweeter, the Zoo’s primo investigative journalist is first on the scene with the Gnus. Diebold has already called the 2012 election for President-elect Mitt Romney. Eeking out a narrow victory within the statistical margin of error in each of the swing states Romney walks away with 100% of the votes of the Electoral College, a fete not accomplished by any presidential candidate since George Washington.

Through countless hours of painstakingly pasting together documents in Diebold’s shredding machines, Tweeter discovered draft acceptance and concession speeches.

President Obama will be magnamous in defeat:

The people have spoken. I promised them change, but didn’t deliver. Too often, change was dictated by the minority of Republicans in the Senate. Where I failed, they succeeded. I wanted jobs for all, they wanted a continued economic decline. They won. I wanted health care for everyone. They wanted profits for the insurance industry. They won. Even when I wanted what they wanted, they opposed it, and won. And now, they won the presidency. For that, I congratulate them. I am going back to the place of my birth proud of what I, a black man from Kenya, was able to accomplish. One term. As President. Of the United States. Of. America.

President-Elect Romney will be gracious in winning:

Where’s my Etch-a-Sketch? Is this thing on? … My fellow Americans…tonight we celebrate a great victory for Americans where ever they are. You have given me a mandate as clear as black and white. I want what you want. You want fewer government services…so do I. You want fewer teachers, police, and firefighters, so do I. You want to get rid of unions. So do I. You want to get rid of ObamaCare. So do I. You want to eliminate the minimum wage. So do I. You want to keep gays from getting married. So do I. You want marriage to be between one man and one woman. So do I…but we can talk about numbers later. You want to prevent your wives, daughters and girlfriends from having the choice to have an abortion, so do I. You want to close our borders to illegal immigration. So do I. You want to rid the world of terrorists, liberals and socialists. So do I. And now I’ll have the drones to do just that!

THIS THREAD IS NOW OPEN
ANY COMMENTS YOU POST
MAY BE HELD AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF FLAW

Teh WateringHole: Wednesday, May 9, 2012: There’s A Hole in the Budget

“Tweeter”, our investigative journalist, calling in his latest report.

According to our latest sources, members of the T-Party are unhappy with Mr. Etch a Sketch, the Presumptive Presidential Pick of the rePublican Party. So much so, that they’ve come up with their own marching song:

There’s a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, there’s a hole.

Fix the hole in the budget, poor people, poor people;
Fix the hole in the budget, poor people, fix it.

With what shall we fix it, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
With what shall we fix it, Mitt Romney, with what?

I’ll cut Welfare, poor people, poor people,
I’ll cut Welfare, poor people, I’ll cut.

There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, still a hole.

I’ll cut food stamps, poor people, poor people,
I’ll cut food stamps, poor people, I’ll cut.

There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney;
There’s still a hole in the budget, Mitt Romney’s still A-Hole.

(sung to the tune “There’s a hole in the bucket”)

YUP
OPEN THREAD
OPEN UP
ADD VERSES, IF YOU LIKE
OR
WHATEVER

(yeah, just try to get this song out of yer head!)

:lol:

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 2, 2012: Corporate Person Hood, Part IV

"Tweeter," our investigative journalist hard at work.

Once again, The Zoo has learned exclusive inside information into the developing story of Corporate Person Hood. According to sources deep inside the executive branch, Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr., has convened a secret grand jury for the purpose of seeking indictments for First Degree Murder against Bain Capital.

This stunning development began shortly after Presumptive Presidential Candidate Mitt, Corporations are People, Romney stated, in public, that Corporations are People. With that admission, investigators sprung into action.

We’re focusing on the period from 1984 to 1999” an insider revealed. That’s when Romney ran Bain, driving 17 companies into bankruptcy or complete closure. “The bankruptcy cases don’t interest us right now. That’s kind of like sending a Corporation Person into ER, and they recover. We want the cases where the Corporation Person ceased to exist because Bain sucked all the life out of it. That’s murder, and there’s no statute of limitations on murder.”

Sources also indicate the DoJ is looking to indicte Romney as a co-conspirator with the Corporation Person Bain Capital. “He may well be the master-mind behind the whole thing,” another anonymous insider stated. The insider then added, off the record, that the indictments are being planned for the week of the Republican National Convention.

The Zoo stopped by Romney’s headquarters for comment, but staffers there were too busy shaking Etch-a-Sketches to speak. One harried staffer paused just long enough to say, “look, we’ve got thousands of Etch-a-Sketches to shake…one for each of Romney’s positions he has held over his entire political life. We don’t have time to respond to every little rumor about Romney killing this Corporation Person or that Corporation Person.” With that, a moving van arrived. “Oh God, it’s his Stances on Women Etch-a-Sketches – they’ve finally arrived.” The staffer ran screaming into the headquarters, “A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
IF BAIN CAPITAL SHUT DOWN KELLOGS, WOULD IT BE A CEREAL KILLER?

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 18, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Three

This is our third installment of our multi-part series on Corporate Person Hood. Here at The Zoo, our investigative reporters have learned that the Person Hood movement is expanding. Once relegated to the large, multi-national for-profit corporations, there is now a crass-roots movement to recognize small corporations, those with 25 or fewer shareholders, as people, too.

Lawsuits on behalf of Limited Liability Corporations are being contemplated, arguing that the 14th amendment, which prohibits discrimination, should be interpreted to prohibit discrimination based on size. “Size, when it comes to a Corporation, really shouldn’t matter.” said one attorney, who chose to remain anonymous. “A one-member LLC is still a corporation, and that corporation is a person. Mitt Romney said so.”

Not to be outdone, religious non-profits are claiming being excluded from Corporate Person Hood is religious discrimination. “After all, we represent the Body of Christ” a spokesperson for several denominations claimed. “His Body on Earth must be recognized as a Person.” That interview was cut short as the representatives from various denominations began fighting amongst themselves as to which one should be recognized as Christ’s Corporate Person Hood.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD

IF YOU WERE A CORPORATION, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR CORPORATE PERSON HOOD?

The Watering Hole, So Happy It’s Thursday, April 12, 2012: Corporate Personhood, Part Too

In yesterday’s Open Thread, The Zoo revealed Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney’s plan for a Corporate Personhood Bill. Since breaking that story, more insider information has come to light.

Obama’s DoJ, not to be outdone, has arrested World News Corporation for its role in the email hacking scandal. A top official in the DoJ, who refused to be identified for the purposes of this story explained. “The headquarters building of World News Corporation is under house arrest. We have encircled the building with what is essentially a large ankle bracelet, so we will know where the building is at all time. The Corporation was allowed its one phone call. After that, we cut all communications.”

People inside the Person were allowed to gather thier belongings and leave. A spokesman for the Corporation said the move by the DoJ was patently unfair and illegal. “To cut off all contact with the outside world is cruel and unusual punishment. It’s tantamount to solitary confinement while under house arrest. Sure, it is still outside, getting fresh air and sunshine, but it’s a News Corporation. Being cut off from communications is like the death penalty, but there’s been no trial, no conviction.”

When asked about what the DoJ plans to do with the Corporate headquarters should the Corporation be convicted, the DoJ spokesperson said that the Department is looking into building a new prison, one specially designed to incarcerate Corporations, where the headquarters building will be relocated to serve out its term.

OPEN THREAD, TOO

PART TWO.

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 11, 2012: Hump Day: Corporate Personhood.

When elected President, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney plans to take things one step further. Sources deep inside the Romney Campaign revealed to The Zoo Romney’s planned Corporate Personhood bill.

The bill will define Corporate Life as existing at the point of conception. In other words, the moment anyone conceives of creating a Corporation, that Corporation is endowed with the status of personhood, with all the rights, privileges and responsibilities that carries.

For example, the insider explained, no longer will Secretaries of State be allowed to reject a Corporate filing. Rejecting a filing would be the same as a doctor performing an abortion. So what if the paperwork fails to name a Treasurer. Kids are born with birth defects all the time. The same should be true of Corporations. It just means the Corporation would go through its life disabled. In the case of lacking a Treasurer, the Corporation would not be able to make bank deposits or withdrawls, but could otherwise conduct its business just as any other person in America.

To be sure, the insider said, there are some things yet to be worked out. The recent Trevor Martin shooting adds a new wrinkle. Corporations would have the right to bear arms, and, in about 33 states, can shoot to kill any time they feel threatened. Corporate self-defense could take on a very new meaning, especially in the face of a hostile take-over.

People at Bain Capital refused to comment for this story.

OPEN THREAD

GO AHEAD….MAKE MY DAY