Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica

Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm

via: The Borowitz Report (SATIRE)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on a “special campaign trip” to Antarctica that could last “six or seven months,” Clinton aides confirmed today.

“From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica,” said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. “We have sent him down there with enough food and firewood to last until the Democratic convention this summer.”

The unexpected change in the former president’s itinerary happened just hours after Mrs. Clinton’s drubbing in the South Carolina primary, causing some party insiders to wonder if Mr. Clinton’s mission to Antarctica represented something of a demotion.

The decision to dispatch Mr. Clinton to the South Pole also raised eyebrows because the continent of Antarctica does not participate in the so-called “Super Tuesday” primaries on February 5 and sends no delegates to the Democratic National Convention.

Mr. Penn attempted to tamp down all such speculation, telling reporters, “This race isn’t about votes or delegates, it’s about land mass, frozen tundra and penguins.”

Mr. Clinton’s itinerary change comes on the heels of a controversial incident Saturday night in which he was discovered bound and gagged in the bathroom of Mrs. Clinton’s campaign plane, his hands tied by what appeared to be the jacket of a bright yellow pantsuit.

Speaking to reporters with a strip of duct tape still over his mouth, Mr. Clinton denied that he was being muzzled by the campaign, adding, “Mmmfff mghrmfff mmbrrfff.”

Elsewhere, the White House announced that President Bush’s State of the Union address would be simulcast in English.

Photo by cyfer13. Used with permission.

George WTF Bush: Then and Now

Ten years ago, our soon-to-be fearless leader was upright, chipper, heathy-looking, and pert-near articulate!

And now we have this, from PTSD (SATIRE)

Bush to Saudis and Egyptians: Let My People Go on Your Oil
By R J Shulman

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – Before leaving the Middle East, a land full of rich photo ops, President Bush pleaded with the leaders of Saudi Arabia and Egypt to produce more oil. “Just like in Biblical times,” the President said, “when those that walked like an Egyptian didn’t allow the Jewish folks to have leavened bread and made them eat bagels and lox instead, we need their predecedents to open up the spigots and produce more oil barrels.” Saudi Arabia responded by saying that governments shouldn’t get involved with business decisions and should trust market forces. Bush apparently didn’t counter that argument, as it has used that reasoning in its own regulation of business.

“I was surprisicated,” Bush said privately, “as I offered everybody, the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Israelis lots of weapons. I fully expected with all the weapons I’ll be sending that part of the world that by the time I’d left, the Middle East would be up in arms, way up in lots of arms.”
**banging head on desk**

Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee

The Borowitz Report (SATIRE):

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Mr. Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.

According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, “The way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted.”

As Mr. Huckabee’s remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate.

Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call rushed to the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Mr. Huckabee, who had continued to make his offensive remarks throughout the mauling.

According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident had done nothing to change Mr. Huckabee’s position on gay marriage: “Not only that, but now he’s opposed to tigers marrying other tigers.”

In other campaign news, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney used a speech in South Carolina to tout his life experience, including his stint as a generic white male Clipart illustration.

And in Florida, former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson picked up the endorsement of the National Association of Jowly Grouches.

Mr. Thompson promised the Grouches that if elected, he would tell those damn kids to get off their lawn.

Elsewhere, frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens threw a car at a reporter.

Bill Clinton Keys Obama’s Car

via: The Borowitz Report (SATIRE)

Shocking Show of Anger from Former President

In what political observers called a shocking display of anger from a former President of the United States, Bill Clinton today keyed the car of Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. Clinton’s attacks on Senator Obama have become more scathing in recent days, but few Democratic insiders expected his rhetorical attacks to turn into outright vandalism.

That is precisely what happened, however, in the parking lot of a Dunkin’ Donuts in Nashua, New Hampshire, where Mr. Obama and his aides had stopped for an early morning campaign appearance.

Spotting the Illinois senator’s car in the lot, a wild-eyed Mr. Clinton pulled out his key ring and “started twirling it on his finger like a six-shooter,” according to one eyewitness.

Saying he was “damned sick and tired” of everything going Mr. Obama’s way, the former President dragged his keys across the length of the senator’s car, creating a deep gash in the paint job that experts said would cost hundreds of dollars to repair.

As news of Mr. Clinton’s attack on Mr. Obama’s automobile spread like wildfire across New Hampshire, political insiders branded the former president’s move as a tactical mistake that could turn off Democratic voters.

“Keying another candidate’s car is really beneath the dignity of a former President of the United States,” said Carol M. Foyler, a longtime media advisor to Democratic candidates. “That’s the kind of thing you want surrogates to do.”

For his part, Mr. Clinton was unrepentant, telling reporters “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

“Where does he live?” Mr. Clinton shouted at the press corps. “I’ma go TP that bastard’s front yard.”

SATIRE

Missionary attacked

What did we miss?

Rio – Argentina
Rotters newswire

An American pseudo-missionary was arrested after being roughed up by a hostile crowd on the nude beach in Rio yesterday.
His proseletyzing was infuriating the Roman Catholic residents, as he was ranting about Reverand Jeffers being the True Church.
At one point, the crowd was going to bury him in the sand and let the crabs feast on his head. The crabs, however, refused to go anywhere near the missionary, identified as Daryll Deludo.
His wife, when asked to comment, got up from her blanket and asked for a towel to cover herself, before replying in disgust, ‘I often wonder why I married a lame ass religious bigot’.