Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica

Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm

via: The Borowitz Report (SATIRE)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on a “special campaign trip” to Antarctica that could last “six or seven months,” Clinton aides confirmed today.

“From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica,” said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. “We have sent him down there with enough food and firewood to last until the Democratic convention this summer.”

The unexpected change in the former president’s itinerary happened just hours after Mrs. Clinton’s drubbing in the South Carolina primary, causing some party insiders to wonder if Mr. Clinton’s mission to Antarctica represented something of a demotion.

The decision to dispatch Mr. Clinton to the South Pole also raised eyebrows because the continent of Antarctica does not participate in the so-called “Super Tuesday” primaries on February 5 and sends no delegates to the Democratic National Convention.

Mr. Penn attempted to tamp down all such speculation, telling reporters, “This race isn’t about votes or delegates, it’s about land mass, frozen tundra and penguins.”

Mr. Clinton’s itinerary change comes on the heels of a controversial incident Saturday night in which he was discovered bound and gagged in the bathroom of Mrs. Clinton’s campaign plane, his hands tied by what appeared to be the jacket of a bright yellow pantsuit.

Speaking to reporters with a strip of duct tape still over his mouth, Mr. Clinton denied that he was being muzzled by the campaign, adding, “Mmmfff mghrmfff mmbrrfff.”

Elsewhere, the White House announced that President Bush’s State of the Union address would be simulcast in English.

Photo by cyfer13. Used with permission.

George WTF Bush: Then and Now

Ten years ago, our soon-to-be fearless leader was upright, chipper, heathy-looking, and pert-near articulate!

And now we have this, from PTSD (SATIRE)

Bush to Saudis and Egyptians: Let My People Go on Your Oil
By R J Shulman

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – Before leaving the Middle East, a land full of rich photo ops, President Bush pleaded with the leaders of Saudi Arabia and Egypt to produce more oil. “Just like in Biblical times,” the President said, “when those that walked like an Egyptian didn’t allow the Jewish folks to have leavened bread and made them eat bagels and lox instead, we need their predecedents to open up the spigots and produce more oil barrels.” Saudi Arabia responded by saying that governments shouldn’t get involved with business decisions and should trust market forces. Bush apparently didn’t counter that argument, as it has used that reasoning in its own regulation of business.

“I was surprisicated,” Bush said privately, “as I offered everybody, the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Israelis lots of weapons. I fully expected with all the weapons I’ll be sending that part of the world that by the time I’d left, the Middle East would be up in arms, way up in lots of arms.”
**banging head on desk**

Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee

The Borowitz Report (SATIRE):

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Mr. Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.

According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, “The way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted.”

As Mr. Huckabee’s remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate.

Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call rushed to the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Mr. Huckabee, who had continued to make his offensive remarks throughout the mauling.

According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident had done nothing to change Mr. Huckabee’s position on gay marriage: “Not only that, but now he’s opposed to tigers marrying other tigers.”

In other campaign news, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney used a speech in South Carolina to tout his life experience, including his stint as a generic white male Clipart illustration.

And in Florida, former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson picked up the endorsement of the National Association of Jowly Grouches.

Mr. Thompson promised the Grouches that if elected, he would tell those damn kids to get off their lawn.

Elsewhere, frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens threw a car at a reporter.

Bill Clinton Keys Obama’s Car

via: The Borowitz Report (SATIRE)

Shocking Show of Anger from Former President

In what political observers called a shocking display of anger from a former President of the United States, Bill Clinton today keyed the car of Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. Clinton’s attacks on Senator Obama have become more scathing in recent days, but few Democratic insiders expected his rhetorical attacks to turn into outright vandalism.

That is precisely what happened, however, in the parking lot of a Dunkin’ Donuts in Nashua, New Hampshire, where Mr. Obama and his aides had stopped for an early morning campaign appearance.

Spotting the Illinois senator’s car in the lot, a wild-eyed Mr. Clinton pulled out his key ring and “started twirling it on his finger like a six-shooter,” according to one eyewitness.

Saying he was “damned sick and tired” of everything going Mr. Obama’s way, the former President dragged his keys across the length of the senator’s car, creating a deep gash in the paint job that experts said would cost hundreds of dollars to repair.

As news of Mr. Clinton’s attack on Mr. Obama’s automobile spread like wildfire across New Hampshire, political insiders branded the former president’s move as a tactical mistake that could turn off Democratic voters.

“Keying another candidate’s car is really beneath the dignity of a former President of the United States,” said Carol M. Foyler, a longtime media advisor to Democratic candidates. “That’s the kind of thing you want surrogates to do.”

For his part, Mr. Clinton was unrepentant, telling reporters “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

“Where does he live?” Mr. Clinton shouted at the press corps. “I’ma go TP that bastard’s front yard.”

SATIRE

Missionary attacked

What did we miss?

Rio – Argentina
Rotters newswire

An American pseudo-missionary was arrested after being roughed up by a hostile crowd on the nude beach in Rio yesterday.
His proseletyzing was infuriating the Roman Catholic residents, as he was ranting about Reverand Jeffers being the True Church.
At one point, the crowd was going to bury him in the sand and let the crabs feast on his head. The crabs, however, refused to go anywhere near the missionary, identified as Daryll Deludo.
His wife, when asked to comment, got up from her blanket and asked for a towel to cover herself, before replying in disgust, ‘I often wonder why I married a lame ass religious bigot’.

Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House

via: The Borowitz Report

Veep Apologizes for Accidental Inferno

The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation’s capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office.

According to White House aides, the blaze started shortly after twelve noon, minutes after Mr. Cheney slipped out of a cabinet meeting, saying that he had to “hit the head.”

But rather than using the bathroom as he had stated, the vice president instead went to his office and put a blowtorch to a pile of CIA interrogation tapes which the White House had feared might be subpoenaed in the near future.

“I started burning those things and boom, they went up like a rocket,” an apologetic Mr. Cheney later told reporters.

The accidental blaze quickly spread from the videotapes to a nearby stack of transcripts of phone conversations involving Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and singer Barbra Streisand that Mr. Cheney had obtained via a warrantless wiretap.

“Once those transcripts caught on fire, I knew the building was a goner,” Mr. Cheney said. “There were literally thousands and thousands of pages of that stuff.”

Speaking in front of the charred remains of the historic building, administration spokesperson Dana Perino said that the White House might have been saved had it not been for an unfortunate bureaucratic mix-up: “Instead of calling the fire department, President Bush called FEMA.”

(SATIRE)

Clinton Says Being Married to Hillary ‘Has Never Influenced My Behavior’

via: The Borowitz Report

Former President Defends Role as Campaign SpokesmanAddressing questions about his objectivity as a campaigner for his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), former President Bill Clinton said today that being married to Sen. Clinton “has never influenced my behavior in the least little bit.”

During an interview on PBS’ “The Charlie Rose Show,” the former president said that those who accuse him of favoritism towards his wife “have got it all wrong, because, you know, Charlie, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life as if I wasn’t married to her at all.”

Mr. Clinton added that in order to demonstrate his objectivity about Sen. Clinton’s qualifications, he would remove his wedding ring and keep it off for the duration of the campaign.

“As far as I’m concerned, from this day on I’m single,” the former president said.

During the free-wheeling one-hour chat, aides to Mr. Clinton gathered in the studio control room and frantically attempted to induce the engineers to cut short the interview, with one aide trying to pull a cable out of its socket in the hopes that it would plunge the studio into darkness.

But their efforts were in vain as the former president continued his unbridled monologue, at one point touching on the similarities between a president and a prostitute.

“Being a president is a lot like being a thousand-dollar-a-night call girl, Charlie,” he said. “Experience matters.”

Elsewhere, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee apologized for “unfortunate” remarks he made about Mormonism, telling a reporter, “If they want to drink the blood of human babies, that’s their business.”

SATIRE 

Huckabee Chooses Jesus as Running Mate

via: The Borowitz Report

Move to Shore Up Evangelical Base

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G.O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate.

Governor Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice-presidential pick.

“This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G.O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.”

The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was “blindsided” by the news of Huckabee’s decision: “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.”

At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading “HUCKABEE/CHRIST ’08.”

It is “highly unorthodox” for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota.

But according to Mr. Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: “If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.”

Elsewhere, a madman attempted to take hostages at former Sen. Fred Thompson’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hampshire, but found that everyone had been given the week off.

(SATIRE)

Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs

via: The Onion

Faced with ongoing budget crises, underfunded schools nationwide are increasingly left with no option but to cut the past tense—a grammatical construction traditionally used to relate all actions, and states that have transpired at an earlier point in time—from their standard English and language arts programs.

A part of American school curricula for more than 200 years, the past tense was deemed by school administrators to be too expensive to keep in primary and secondary education.

“This was by no means an easy decision, but teaching our students how to conjugate verbs in a way that would allow them to describe events that have already occurred is a luxury that we can no longer afford,” Phoenix-area high-school principal Sam Pennock said. “With our current budget, the past tense must unfortunately become a thing of the past.”

Continue reading… (THIS IS SATIRE)

Clever…

Pat Robertson Says Giuliani Presidency Appears in Book of Revelation

by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report

Rudy Would Usher in Biblical ‘End Days,’ Evangelist Says

One day after endorsing former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president, televangelist Pat Robertson explained his decision, saying that a Giuliani presidency features prominently in the Book of Revelation.

In his endorsement announcement the day before, Rev. Robertson had made reference to Mr. Giuliani’s tenure as “America’s Mayor,” but did not indicate that the Republican frontrunner was a key player in the Bible’s most apocalyptic book.

Continue reading

Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy

via: The Borowitz Report

‘Benefit From My Experience,’ President Tells Pakistani

In what he described as “an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror,” President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.

Mr. Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections “because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience.”

Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General Musharraf’s impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: “When you’re getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people you’re doing it.”

Mr. Bush said that eliminating such things as privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done “very quietly and stealthy-like.”

“If I had gone on TV one day and just ended democracy like Pervez did, I would have caught holy hell from Maureen Dowd,” Mr. Bush chuckled. “You’ve got to be crafty about these things.”

Mr. Bush chalked up Mr. Musharraf’s decision to disclose the elimination of democracy as a “beginner’s mistake,” adding, “I’ve had six-plus years of practice at this.”

He also criticized the Pakistani dictator’s firing of the chief justice of the Supreme Court: “Trust me, if you’re going to get rid of elections, a Supreme Court could come in handy.”

Elsewhere, astronauts spent Saturday morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers.

(In case you missed this part.., this is SATIRE)

The Global War on Toddlerism

via: Truthdig
by Andy Borowitz

(SATIRE ALERT!)

Fresh on the heels of its reality show “Kid Nation,” in which children are sent to perform hard labor on a ranch with no adult supervision, CBS announced today that it is readying a reality show in which children will be sent to the federal detention camp at Guantanamo.

Read the rest here.