McCain makes historic first visit to internet

SATIRE ALERT!!!

Will Spend Five Days at Key Sites

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on an historic first-ever visit to the Internet.

Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Internet before, advisors acknowledged that his first visit to the World Wide Web was fraught with risk.

But with his Democratic rival Barack Obama making headlines with his tour of the Middle East and Europe, the McCain campaign felt that they needed to “come up with something equally bold for John to do,” according to one advisor.

McCain aides said that the senator’s journey to the Internet will span five days and will take him to such far-flung sites as Amazon.com, eBay and Facebook.

With a press retinue watching, Sen. McCain logged onto the Internet at 9:00 AM Sunday, paying his first-ever visit ever to Mapquest.com.

“I can’t get this [expletive] thing to work,” Sen. McCain said as he struggled with his computer’s mouse, causing his wife Cindy to prompt him to add that he was “just kidding.”

Having pronounced his visit to Mapquest a success, Sen. McCain continued his tour by visiting Weather.com and Yahoo! Answers, where he inquired as to the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.

Sen. McCain said that he had embarked on his visit to the Internet to allay any fears that he is too out-of-touch to be president, adding that he plans to take additional steps to demonstrate that he is comfortable with today’s technology: “In the days and weeks ahead, you will be seeing me rock out with my new Walkman.”

The Borowitz Report

Hillary exposes Bush’s attempt to undermine women’s rights

Huffington Post

The Bush administration is up to its old tricks again, quietly putting ideology before science and women’s health. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is poised to put in place new barriers to accessing common forms of contraception like birth control pills, emergency contraception and IUDs by labeling them “abortion.” These proposed regulations set to be released next week will allow healthcare providers to refuse to provide contraception to women who need it. We can’t let them get away with this underhanded move to undermine women’s health and that’s why I am sounding the alarm.

These rules pose a serious threat to providers and uninsured and low-income Americans seeking care. They could prevent providers of federally-funded family planning services, like Medicaid and Title X, from guaranteeing their patients access to the full range of comprehensive family planning services. They’ll also build significant barriers to counseling, education, contraception and preventive health services for those who need it most: low-income and uninsured women and men.

That’s right folks, Bush wants to redefine certain birth control methods as “abortion.” This administration would drag women by the hair back into the Stone Age, if they could. Oh, how they long for the days of women bearing baby after baby, until finally dying in the birthing bed, leaving motherless children behind, and the days of families being enslaved to poverty because they can’t limit the size of their families, and the days of abortion wards.

Senator Clinton is working against this nonsense with Senator Murray of Washington State.

McCain’s Grandpa.”He stood out in a town full of rascals.”

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : : TailRank : post to facebook

John McCain doesn’t like to read about this, but there are skeletons in every family’s closet. Joseph P. Kennedy allegedly used to be a bootlegger before he became the somewhat respectable father of a President and Bush’s Grandpa Prescott was a friend of the Nazis and was reaping a fortune from deals with the devil. Now John McCain’s grandpa from his mother’s side, Arch Wright, seems to have had himself a career quite in that tradition. He made money in Muskogee and retired early:

Wright arrived in Muskogee a gambler and bootlegger and left a wealthy wildcatter who owned some of the most valuable property in the region. He bartered for that land with gold coins and liquor, as Native Americans were receiving parcels of property from the federal government, according to Murray Clifford “Cliff” Smith III, a District cab driver whose grandmother was Wright’s wife’s sister. Smith’s mother, Margaret Lawson Smith, was a cousin and playmate of Roberta Wright.

Oklahoma, carved from federal territory and Indian lands, entered the union in 1907, and as compensation, every Native American was promised land. The Creek, Cherokee, Choctaw, Chickasaw and Seminole were pushed from the southeastern United States onto reservations, then systematically robbed of their promised reward by some of Muskogee’s most prominent citizens, and one of them was probably Wright, according to local historians

“I would ‘wager’ (ha) a guess that he won land with the card games and then sold it for the money,” Sue Tolbert, director of the Three Rivers Museum in Eastern Oklahoma, said in an e-mail, adding: “The evidence against him is strong.”

Oil played a role, too:

Where Wright’s money came from remains a mystery. Calhoun said card sharks and other schemers were flocking to Indian territory at the time of statehood, looking to get rich on oil and land. Higgs said it was “common knowledge” that McCain’s maternal grandfather made his money buying and selling oil leases, but there is no way to prove how those lands and leases came into his possession. (read more)

Read the whole story in the Washington Post. Here’s a list of John McCain’s ancestry, if you are interested.

GWB to Divorce over Drunkenness and Infidelity

The Russian news agency Pravda reports that George W. and Laura Bush will divorce after the upcoming 2008 elections. Mrs. Bush will reportedly be paid $20 million for her silence should she divorce her husband.

Condoleezza Rice has been noted to be at the center of the dispute between the President and the First Lady.

Wayne Madsen, a national security expert, wrote in 2006 that George W. Bush confessed during a session with his psychologist that he was attracted to other women. Bush reportedly named Condoleezza Rice as an object of his fantasies.

This was not the first time that Ms. Rice has been noted as a problem between the President and his wife. In June, 2006, NewsHounds reported that Mrs. Bush had checked into the Mayflower Hotel, several blocks from the White House, after a confrontation with her husband over his affair with Secretary of State Rice.

But that may not be the only problem between the President and his wife.

In April, 2007, it was reported that the First Lady checked into the Hay-Adams Hotel due to Mr. Bush’s inability to stop drinking, a problem he has had throughout much of his life. On top of drunkenness and infidelity, Jeff Rense stated that Mr. Bush joined his compatriot Senator McCain in publicly calling his wife a c*nt. The president was apparently inebriated at the time.

Our sources have witnessed a clearly inebriated Bush approaching members of the press corps and making rude comments, including one particularly crude remark about First Lady Laura Bush.

In that case, Bush, nodding toward Laura, called her a “c**t.”

Such a class act these Republicans are. Family Values first and foremost. Just ask David Vitter, Robert Allen, or Larry Craig. Mmm, mmm, mmm! I loves me some good old Republican Family Values!

Personally, I think Laura Bush has little desire to spend the rest of her days in Paraguay.

You read it on the Internet so it must be true.

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : : TailRank : post to facebook

Comedians vs. Barack Obama

Regardless of what the polls tell us it’s pretty easy to see that Barack Obama is going to kick John McCain’s butt on election day. Every time McCain opens his mouth his foot seems to fly in there. And while few of us feel bad about that happening we should show some compassion. Not for McCain, yikes, but for the comedians who have had eight years of easy material and are now going to have to work for their jokes. After all, if they wanted to work hard they wouldn’t have become comedians would they. With George Bush, face it, the jokes write themselves. But with Barack Obama these guys are going to have to sweat.

But there’s hope. Joel Stein of the Los Angeles Times shows us how:

He’s a nerd: Yes, he seems cool because he plays basketball and fist-bumps and knows about pop music. But that’s because we’re comparing him with other politicians, all of whom are older than our grandparents. Compare Obama with other 46-year-olds and he’s Urkel. He’s the kid at the Model United Nations conference who says, “Guys, guys, c’mon. Let’s not make fun of Eastern Europe.” And the brutal truth is, even if women faint at your rallies, you’ll never feel cool inside when you have Alfred E. Neuman’s ears.

Read more funny stuff here.

H/T Katy

Hello from Europe – The Candidate causes quite a stir

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : : TailRank : post to facebook

Hello Everybody. We have two news items over here today. One is “The Arrest” and the second is unsurprisingly “The Candidate”. Radovan Karadzic‘s arrest has caused quite a stir in Europe, he was on the run for nigh on 13 years after all. He is one of the great war criminals of the end of the 20th century and will now, I hope, get his trial and his just sentence.

The other topic is, of course, Barack Obama who will soon be visiting Europe and is eagerly anticipated by those politicians who count on a little bit of popularity rubbing off on them, because they need it. But alas, neither Sarkozy, who is far from popular at home right now, nor Gordon Brown, who would shake hands with just about anybody if he had a chance to bask a little in the glow of his guest’s aura, will get the lion’s share of Obama’s attention. The highly respected and very popular German chancellor Angela Merkel and her foreign secretary Steinmeier, he himself very popular, too, are on Obama’s shortlist, never mind she resisted his plans to speak from the Brandenburg Gate. Brown and Sarkozy are far from pleased says Der Spiegel:

One-on-one meetings for Obama have now been confirmed with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier. But so far he is only including time in his stops in Paris and London for French President Nicolas Sarkozy and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. A decision still hasn’t been made on whether the Democratic candidate will meet with the foreign ministers of those countries. (read more)

But then Germans are the ultimate Obamamaniacs, not the only ones, but securely in the candidate’s pocket. Some 70% would vote for him, if they were qualified for voting in the US presidential election.

Obama is the hope of a Western world filled with concerns. A recession looms as does high inflation sparked by exploding demand for commodities and natural resources. Furthermore, no one has yet come up with a convincing response to global warming. No one knows how to bring peace to the Middle East, Afghanistan or Iraq. And no one has a promising strategy for dealing with Islamist terrorism.(read more)

Barack Obama is very popular in Britain, too, of course. The Guardian is covering a lot of reporting and commenting on Obama’s behalf. Michael Tomasky, feels that Maliki’s support of Obama’s withdrawal plan is the single big story of this year’s Presidential campaign.

Boy would I have liked to have been tapping the phone lines between Washington and Baghdad on Saturday afternoon.

I would love to know exactly what people in the Bush White House were saying to one another, and more importantly what they were saying to Baghdad, after Der Spiegel published its now-famous interview with the Iraqi prime minister, Nouri al-Maliki, in which he in essence endorsed Barack Obama’s withdrawal timetable. Bush officials acknowledged on Sunday that they did indeed call the Maliki government for, ah, clarification. I bet they did. (read more)

But, apart from Obama’s obvious political prowess, there is another truth. Almost everybody sees a different Barack Obama, according to one’s own beliefs. My personal view of Obama? He is a highly energetic, intelligent and competent person, who is more pragmatic than dogmatic and quite conservative in his personal beliefs and ethics. He is an excellent manager and able to think through complex issues to the end, so he comes across as far sighted, while he is only very thorough in his thought processes.

“This is not Barack Obama, she hasn’t understood a single thing he said, or hasn’t been listening properly.” Is that your reaction to my view of the candidate ? Ok, read this:

These contradictions are arguably true of all politicians, but they seem truer of Obama than most. He must be the only “radical Islamist” whose biggest scandal to date has arisen from membership of the Trinity United Church of Christ. Depending on what Kool-Aid you have been drinking, when it comes to Obama your glass is either half full, half empty or overflowing, or you’ve smashed it lest anybody else imbibes its poison.

This is a blessing and a curse for Barack Obama. It offers the screen where you can project all your hopes and expectations and see them displayed for you, which will help getting him elected. But, obviously, it carries the seed of disappointment. The Times enters this inevitable and in my opinion vitally important sobering up process into the larger context of Anti Americanism:

It amuses me that some of those who criticise the present US Administration for its Manichaeism – its division of the world into good and evil – themselves allocate all past badness to Bush and all prospective goodness to Obama. As the ever-improving myth has it, on the morning of September 12, 2001, George W. and America enjoyed the sympathy of the world. This comradeship was destroyed, in a uniquely cavalier (or should we say cowboyish) fashion, through the belligerence, the carelessness, the ideological fixity and the rapacity of that amorphous and useful category of American flawed thinker, the neoconservative. They just threw it away. (read more)

There were several instances, where I seriously doubted that the Democrats were planning on winning the coming elections at all. I called it “The Cliff Barnes Syndrome” of the Democrats in discussions with friends. But The Economist sees it differently:

For the base, the “enthusiasm gap” may genuinely be about the personal appeal of Barack Obama or specific qualms regarding John McCain. But among the writers and the think-tank wonks, there seems to be a widespread sense that the Republican Party, and perhaps the conservative movement more generally, is due for an overhaul. And many of the folks who’d like to do the overhauling seem to think that the shock therapy of a clear defeat, and the space for introspection and reinvention that a few years out of power would provide, are needed to make it happen.

This would explain, to me at least, why they are going on with John McCain, despite all his shortcomings. I am still afraid, however, that they may spring a different candidate on you at the convention where McCain will step back for health reasons. But that is neither here nor there and only my personal nightmare.

You all have a good, healthy and successful day!