Goodbye, Red States!

I have no idea who wrote this, but it has gone viral and I think it’s funnier than hell.

Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren’t aware, that includes:
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.  We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,  and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.  If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if  you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.  We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

And be sure to click on the map to visit Betty Bowers’ “How to tell if you are living in a Red or Blue state.”

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19 thoughts on “Goodbye, Red States!

  1. Well done, Thank’s for posting this gummitch..A well written funny article…I must say I am a little sad that I would need a pass port to viset Lady Z or go to Montana though….Blessings

  2. I wish I had written that.

    Glad to see the Canucks are joining up with us too. You can never have too many hosers around.

  3. And can we have “Real Virginia” too? Actually, I’d like to have the whole state, or at least the northeast triangle. We can ship Pat Robertson and his koolaid drinkers from Virginia Beach over to (the aptly named) Lynchburg where they can merge with Fallwell’s Holy Warriors. But we get to keep the Tidewater area and Colonial Williamsburg.

  4. I have to say that I am deeply saddened by the posting of this piece and some of the comments left here.

    I can certainly understand the rationale behind it. I can certainly understand the frustration and anger that fueled it.

    What I cannot understand is why you are unable to see that this only serves to increase the sense of division that already exists?

  5. Gummitch, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to set up friendly trade relations with Jesusland.

  6. neoke17, with all due respect, I hardly think satire is something that will increase division. It’s purpose is to shine light on the stupidity that has created the division in the first place.

    These divisions have been built as a relentless project of the rabid right wing over the past quarter century, and I for one am sick to death of their determined assault on my values and civil liberties and their pissing on the Constitution. It’s about time we stopped shying away from the fight because up to now appeasement has had the opposite of the desired result.

    And, quite frankly, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

  7. Oh, and any of those red states are welcome to join. They just have to pass a referendum and agree to abide by the Constitution and the rule of law. I’m pretty sure Bill Richardson can get New Mexico to sign up. :)

  8. Gorn, I guess this is going to be another issue where you and I have to agree to disagree.

    Peace

  9. Yes, we can agree to disagree. No problem there.

    Being serious, though, I’m not entirely convinced that the Civil War was such a good idea or even Constitutionally justifiable. It forced two cultures together that even to this day remain divided, it killed and maimed a huge number of people, and it got Lincoln a bullet in the head.

    It did accelerate the inevitable extinction of slavery, so at least some good came out of it.

  10. Thank you Lady Cat’s for the info regarding Montana, my hope is Idaho will also…It will make for easy travel….LOL..Blessings

  11. Oh Snap, gummitch!

    Gorn,
    re: slavery – I agree. They should have addressed it when it was first brought up, when writing the Constitution.
    Jefferson, Adams, etal were cowards not to outwardly condemn slavery. They already knew it was wrong.
    That being said, WTF with the south? Why is it that we “Yanks” never think about a long ago war, but they still can’t let anything go? I simply don’t understand. Aren’t we all Americans?

  12. That would be the answer, if my broom weren’t so old..LOL…In the case of realety flying, I don’t own or plan to pay for a pass port just to travel to another state..Good to read you here..Blessings

  13. true, they had to drop explicit mention of slavery from the constitution or the southern states would not sign it.

    fine line between compromise and appeasement.

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