Yesterday, I heard that Mrs Clarence Thomas — Ginni to her teabagger friends — had reached out and touched Anita Hill. Might as well keep it in the family, I always say. “Zooey,” I thought
to myself, “the Veruca Salt Award committee needs to have a meeting.” The guy sitting next to me on the bus tightened his grip on the handle of his briefcase and averted his gaze, which is the usual indication that I’m thinking aloud. Again. But I digress…
It seems that after 20 years, our Ginni felt a burning desire to mend fences, so she got up bright and early on a Saturday morning, called Anita Hill’s office at Brandeis University, and left a chatty message re-introducing herself, and asking Ms Hill to give some thought to her offer of an explanation and an apology.
Waitaminute, what!? I can see the wheels turning. You’re thinking, “Why so cranky, Z? Clarence Thomas wants to apologize for putting Ms Hill through all that crap…” No, no, no, this is the Veruca Salt Award, remember? Mrs Thomas — Ginni to her bar friends — was asking Ms Hill to give her and husband an apology. The ‘offer’ was to allow Ms Hill to apologize to the Thomases.
I know, right? That chin dropping to your chest is one of the best indicators of an oncoming Veruca Salt Award.
Here’s the text of the message Ginni confirms she left on Ms Hill’s answering machine:
Good morning, Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. OK, have a good day.
First, I wonder how long Ms Hill laughed after hearing that message — and how wide was her satisfied grin while turning it over to the FBI? Wish I could have seen that. Heh.
Second, can you picture the ‘WTF?’ look on Clarence Thomas’ face when he heard that? I mean seriously, a whole generation who weren’t around back then, having used the Google, are now thinking, “He said what about his Coke can!?? OMFG! LOLz!!” Way to go Gin-ster.
Is this some sort of diabolical revenge-taking by our Ginni on her husband for some unknown (to us anyway) offense? Is Ginni spending too much time with vermouth and olive? Or, is Ginni a ready-for-The Jerry Springer Show prima donna whose teabagger bravado has finally torn down the wall between prudence and entitlement? Yeah, I’m liking that last one.
Finally, did you catch our Ginni’s phrasing on the message? She wants an explanation/apology about what Ms Hill “did with [her] husband.” Not ‘to’ her husband, but “with” him. What’s up with that? Apparently, our Ginni thinks Ms Hill was an active and/or willing participant in her husband’s disgusting behavior — probably because that’s what her hubbie told her. I wonder if Ginni or Clarence can spell D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L?
It’s been a while since our last presentation ceremony, but the vote in the committee meeting was unanimous that Ginni deserved it. So I was a little hungover this morning, and I wasn’t sure where the award had landed after Hillary Clinton threw it at my head (and thank goodness Hank Paulson didn’t show up for his awards ceremony), but after digging around a bit, I found it under a pile of empty Doritos bags, Red Bull cans, and Mardi Gras beads. Scrape off the barnacles, give it a spit shine, and we’re good to go!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO GINNI THOMAS
FOR WINNING THE VERUCA SALT AWARD!!