Rapture Party!!

The end of the world as we know it...?

Well, the world is supposed to end today.  Again.  I guess I won’t have to pay back my student loans.  🙂

But if the end doesn’t come today, there may still be some hope for the doom and gloom crowd!  Sir Issac Newton calculated that the Apocalypse could not happen before 2060, so at least we that to look forward to.  Maybe Harold Camping will discover that he forgot to carry the 6, and his gullible followers will once again have a reason to carry around dumb signs while they demonstrate to their families why they should be medicated immediately.

But this is a party!  Rule #1:  There are no rules.  Clothing optional (just in case); open bar; soft drinks and snacks abound (get yours before the polar bear gets here); and please compliment the chimp waitstaff on their sexy Cat Woman outfits (they’ll have new appreciation for their little tuxedos next time).

Join us in the comments section with your sense of humor in-tact, your past Rapture experiences, dirty jokes, clean jokes, and as always, remember that there is no valet parking for the Rapture party.


239 thoughts on “Rapture Party!!

  1. I heard Creflo Dollar wailing and gnashing his teeth,
    as his cash laden suitcases were ripped from his hands….
    He was almost decapitated by the gold chains around his neck,
    fortunately the clasps broke.

  2. I’m off to put new brake pads on the truck today.
    I want to be prepared for my drive down the Interstate later this evening, in case there are a lot of abandoned vehicles.
    Course, I suppose the keys will still be in them… and all that idle gasoline has a certain allure…

  3. So is this rapture at 6PM eastern time or 6PM pacific time? I don’t want to get into the liquor too early, I’ll fall asleep and miss the whole thing.

  4. OIMF,
    If you are drinking Christian Brothers’ products, down them while you have the chance – they will be raptured at one of those times.

  5. It’s cheap vodka Walt, I doubt whoever made it will make the cut.
    I’d better go water the plants just in case the old crazy guy is wrong.

  6. So if the Rapture happens, and all the fundies are gone, and we finally achieve world peace, think God will have the guts to come down and apologize for the last few thousand years?

  7. The End of the World is here;
    And Rapture, for those of good cheer!
    While those left behind
    All wined and dined,
    With only hangovers to fear!

  8. Got a very strange e-mail from Daryll… he’s got a malware problem.
    The IP address is a whole bunch of henscratchs.
    Cuneiform I think…..

  9. Woo hooh – party on dudes!!!!

    Reports in from my relatives in Australia are that none of them, nor any of the locals seem to have been ‘right with Jesus’…..

    My Rapture Ready beverage of choice is chilling down. I got an errand to run but ‘I”ll be back’ – H/T to Ah-nold…. what a dick.

  10. Hopefully with all the paranoid Western imperialists gone travel restrictions will ease and I can skip across the pond and tour the Old World, EV.

    • Good point, Shayne. Heh.

      Did you hear about the atheist guy who’s raking in the bucks by boarding the animals of the rapture loonies? Genius!!

  11. Hi Everybody!

    Zooey, after yesterdays binge gravity suffices to keep me earthbound. i had a huge Cordon Bleu, which is breaded and fried cutlets filled with ham and cheese and garlic served with a mountain of “frieden fries”. The pub’s name is Frieden (peace). Btw i was sleeping really peacefully after yesterday’s visit there. 🙂

  12. Ttt, if one of the two guys here is Jesus …. Call me Mary.

    I really don’t know about that immaculata stuff, however. 😆

  13. Some good rapture songs last night….. here’s the men in black.

    “It goes on and on and on – Its Heaven and Hell”

  14. “First Jesus says: I’ll cure it soon, abolish Monday mornings and Friday afternoons.
    The other one’s out on hunger strike, he’s dying by degrees… how come Jesus gets Industrial Disease?”

  15. I had the cutest black and white cat sitting in my flower be yesterday. I gave him some treats so maybe he’ll come back. I don’t think he’s a stray though because he seemed somewhat portly.

  16. “Why can’t I read badmoodman’s comments? I can only see the avatar”

    Cuz I’m beginning to float into the ether……..

  17. “Has anybody heard from anybody who has been raptured yet?” ~ Shayne

    Well, I heard from my spouse…


  18. I’m hoping for a partial rapture.

    I’m going to go out in the backyard and hopefully will levitate around 20 ft. up so I can trim the trees.

    What if I’m tethered so I can’t float away?

  19. I saw Jesus early this morning in Monument, Colorado. He was up early and getting ready for a long day of volunteering to help with a local recycling project including the proper disposal of hazardous waste. That after a full day yesterday that began with his wife (my daughter) receiving her Bachelor’s in Chemistry (cum laude and with High Distinction) at the World Arena in Colorado Springs, then a celebratory dinner last night.

    Yep, Jesus is ok. Born in Mexico in 1976. Jesus Alberto, his first and middle names. He didn’t say anything about any earthquakes though. But it did snow in Monument late Thursday afternoon. So who knows, really.

  20. Just in case, but if I do not post next Thursday, could someone stand in for me? I really do not think that will be a problem.

  21. Jésus is cool, frugal.

    I am still reading … I have time only on my way to work and back makes 40 mins per workday. And I look forward to each trip with the tram.

  22. I’m still here too, but it’s only 4:55.
    It occurs to me that if Jesus were here today, he probably would be helping with a recycling project.

  23. Tweets of the Day (so far):

    •I think it’s beginning! Ten minutes ago there was a group of people waiting at the bus stop outside my house. Now, they’re all gone!

    •People are making Rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

    •Don’t worry if you can’t come up with a Rapture joke, its not the end of the world.

    •Today’s Rapture postponed as Jesus awaits announcement of surprise guest on final Oprah. Savior “hopeful” but “okay with it” if not picked.

    •If this Rapture doesn’t get started soon, my rental Ferrari demolition derby last night wasn’t as fun as I thought.

    •This is Camping’s 2nd incorrect guess about date of rapture. Am giving him 1 more chance but if he gets it wrong again am giving up on him.

  24. If this rapture doesn’t get started soon, I will have to diet for two weeks to get rid of what I added during the last two days. 😦

  25. There’s something cosmic going on…
    My only day at home and the owner of the two derelict adobe houses next door shows up with three architectural design students, doing a feasibility study on renovating them. I gave them a tour of mine, which looked exactly like the other two when I started, and have now been signed on as a consultant.

    The gods work in mystical ways, and I don’t believe they’re ready to give up on us yet.
    They may be simply doing some cosmos cleaning, getting rid of an angry old vengeful one of their own, and his dopey followers.

  26. Camping claims 200 million will be departing. That seems awfully elitist to me from a pool of over 6 billion.

    • Well, I’ve got most of my furniture for sale on the free ad site now. *sad face*

      I love my furniture, but I just don’t want to cart it around anymore.

  27. 200 million out of 6 billion?
    That’s not very many…
    Hardly tell if anyone is gone.
    Everybody out of the pool!

  28. If Heaven operates like the government, then St. Peter will be on annual leave, and he won’t have delegated anyone else to stand in.
    Imagine a 200 million long queue.
    And I doubt if they would have thought to bring in enough Porta-Potties.
    Remember your umbrella if you go out…

  29. Huh, then it’s changed in some other realm than the one I’m in.
    This confirms my theory that I’m in heaven on earth.

  30. Hmm…. different kind of Rapture going on now… all I’ve got is some movie, at least it has Sean Bean

  31. It will be awhile before posting again, about 2 weeks or so.
    Maybe longer if I start finding a lot of abandoned backpacks on the trail and have to haul them all in.
    Be well everyone, thanks for your good humour.

  32. The humor is tempered by the poor delusional souls who cashed in their earthly belongings for the chance to reach heaven.

    Another example of the darkside of religion.

  33. Zo & bdmm – west coast has three hours.

    It’s a rolling deal? I thought it was at the same time all over the world. A rolling deal? What, is there maximum occupancy on the Valhalla Express?

  34. Raven makes a funny!

    Spect that crazy old coot will leave his clothes on his porch and will disappear (in a Lear Jet for a non-extradition country where some Anna Nicole Smith wanna be will help him spend his $72m)

  35. Yes, bdmm –

    Well, because God created time zones — just as he apparently created US international borders — the Rapture will begin at 6 p.m. in each time zone. Also, you’ll know when the Rapture will begin because it will be preceded by an earthquake

  36. Well it’s 6:21, guess the Episcopalians aren’t going. My son is still here too and if that pure soul isn’t going, nobody’s going.
    Safe journey to Raven and kind regards to Kris.
    I guess I’d better go weed.

  37. No dammit, the weeds didn’t get raptured. I’m weeding baby lisianthus, it’s like plucking a giant eyebrow.

  38. OK, gotta go now, all packed and time to unplug.
    Before I go, and just in case, I have to confess my unrequited, and undying, lov

  39. This gal singer is listed on Austin City Limits tonight on my PBS, so I checked her out on Youtube. If I can stay awake, I think I’ll watch her, with Sarah McLachlan on the other half of the show.

  40. Zooey, who is this Cletis clown on TP, besides, well, being a clown.

    And what’s the story on this Palmquist person? Apparently I wasn’t cc’d on the memo that explained he’s not altogether here, or some such story.

    • badmoodman,

      Cletis is a fairly new commenter on TP. He has a pretty clever blog. I think he’s an older guy. Harmless caretaker type.

      Palmquist? Not sure. He’s been around for a little while. I didn’t know he had a disability, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, since he’s never been trollish or obnoxious.

      I just thought it was a bit over the top to admonish you for your comment. Like I said, people can’t tell you’re disabled by the way you type, and it’s ridiculous to expect people to do so. Hell, most of us don’t read every single comment on TP anymore — there are too many of them.

  41. Cletis: “Palm is disabled. I have known that for some time. I believe it is neurological.”

    He believes? Pffffffft.

    A lot of those people on TP are wrapped way too tight.

  42. I figured out very quickly that the thin-skinned do not belong at TP. I guess if it’s ok now to get all pissy over every comment one perceives as insensitive I may have to start going wild whenever anyone makes a short bus remark.

    • Outstanding, I think many people assume that every disability is visible, and every disabled person is academically challenged.

      You and I know it’s definitely not the case.

  43. Well, its now 6:22pm on the Left Coast. No green reptiles to my knowledge have been Raptured…… I had dinner instead and we are now planning on watching Doctor Who.

  44. Apparently OIMF wasn’t pure enough of thought, word and deed to make the grade either.

    Welcome, heathen.

  45. Yeah badmoodman, the Episcopalians were left behind. It must be that gay bishop thing.

    That last hate mail actually shows some creativity and is a welcome change from the gay sex obsessed ones.

  46. Zooey, here’s a cautionary tale about believing in strangers who you know only from online:

    I was a member of an online group many years ago when I first got online. It was a group much like The Zoo. Many of us became good friends, as much as you can electronically. I really hit it off with a woman, smart as a whip and great sense of humor. After about a year of online chatting, a few of us decided to finally meet. We arranged a meeting place at a hotel at O’Hare in Chicago and imagine my surprise when I discovered the woman I thought was such a hoot turned out to be a guy — a straight guy. Totally creeped me out.

    The Zoo is my first foray into an online community since then. I hope you people are only mildly loony.

    Enough about TP, where the most dangerous weapon is a point of view.

  47. “every disabled person is academically challenged”

    Yeah, now that I’m back in C’dale, I’m once again encountering more than a few academically gifted individuals who are grossly challenged socially and morally. At least one of them is a Quaker. Not a “Nixon Quaker,” but the individual manifets a brand of soft-spoken hypocrisy.

    • Gary,

      I usually think of that kind of person as “having a piece missing.” At least the morally challenged ones.

      Isn’t it interesting that so many academically gifted people are socially inept?

  48. I didn’t spend much time trying to psychoanalyze the situation. Once I had the facts though, I was out.

    Good, now I can picture you as Will Forte’s character on 30 Rock.

  49. “Isn’t it interesting that so many academically gifted people are socially inept?”

    My best friend’s son is a sophomore on a full-ride to Caltech. His IQ is north of 160 and the kid is very much a prodigy in math and physics. But he’s a bit autistic in that he’s very much lacking in social skills and etiquette.

  50. “Socially inept” may be too much of a euphemism, and I was being gratuitously gentle. In fact, this person is siding with the Corporate University against the faculty and union when the administration unilaterally and illegally sets aside the negotiated contract to impose furloughs and pay-cuts on faculty. This process has been underway at, for example, the Florida State system for many years. But the ultimate intention, and the only possible goal, is the obliteration of tenure or even the pretense of academic freedom.

    The Quakers themselves have been wringing their hands over their 150+ years of silence in the face of social injustice. This would be ironic were not not so blatantly pathetic.

  51. “I would rather be both socially inept and intellectually challenged than be a hypocrite.”

    You can be all three if you’re Donald Trump.

    • People with Asperger’s are able to function in the world — hold jobs, get married, etc — but are a bit odd. They can fit in, but don’t really seem to be able to learn social skills like other people do — as in, they have to actively learn them, rather than absorbing them from being around other people.

  52. Zooey — frankly, it is typical.

    Once I get a little more settled here I mean to get in touch with the local union reps. My career is in ruins, my finances are a train-wreck, the only reason I’m not living on the street right now is the charity of friends, and there is a very realistic chance that I will never have a full-time job of any kind for the rest of my life. The problem with reducing a person to the point where he has nothing left to lose is that threats, bullying and intimidation become singularly ineffective. I’m about to go f*cking “Eugene Debs” on these bastards, and I do not mean the TP commentor.

    • Gary, I wish you well in that endeavor, and admire your determination. That’s when people make a difference.

      I’m not where you are — yet — but can imagine the ‘nothing left to lose’ attitude. What are they gonna do? Kill you? Fuck ’em!

  53. “there is a very realistic chance that I will never have a full-time job of any kind”

    We’ve squandered our natural resources and spent our monetary substance on unnecessary wars. America is know wasting her human capital.

  54. Know should be now, and the farmer who got up at 4:30 should be in bed. Since I guess we’re all sticking around for the tribulation, I’m glad I’m in good company.

  55. Wacky Doctor Who there…… “and that’s all we have time from this week!”…… cliffhangers are cool

    • Turtle, get ready for a months-long cliffhanger.

      This episode with conclude, then there will be one more show (with cliffhanger), and then they’re off until September.


  56. Lots of good comments above.

    Zooey, your gay fundie wackjob prayer dude also wants to forget the fact that most of the founding fathers (including several of our first Presidents) were Diests and would not have closed a prayer with “in Jesus Name we pray…”

    Two thumbs up on the Scot’s anti-rape ad.

    Raven’s been “raptored” = BLOTD.

    Only “rapture” I experienced today was an afternoon nap. For what it’s worth…the earth did “move.” 😉

    The Rapture’s over and we’re all left behind.
    Christianistas are going out of their mind;
    “What could have gone wrong?
    Why don’t we belong?”
    Their faith in God was misaligned.

    For all of us live on this Earth,
    To death, from the day of our birth;
    We partake of life,
    The joys and the strife,
    Weighed and measured, we each find our worth.

  57. Chip Delany, over at FB:

    It was a cool night, when the world didn’t end. Someone who thought it would, at ten after six ceased giving out fliers at Times Square, said, “I was wrong,” and went home on the subway . . .

  58. For the record, it is an ennumerated sin to presume to know &/or legislate the mind or will of God. It is called being so vain as to take God’s name to yourself.

    For example, the expletive “God damn it/you” is often cited as taking God’s name in vain. But God’s name is not “God,” a fact that is explicitly pointed out in the Bible. However, when persons say this — AND MEANS IT! — they are presuming to tell God who or what tod damn. They are being so vain as to take God’s name to themselves.

    People who make an actual study of theology don’t seem to have any difficulty with this notion. The Christofascists, of course, have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about even after you explain it to them in terms that any half-wit could understand.

    (It also forbids any sort of oath on God. That too is taking God’s name in vain.)

  59. Gary,

    the only person who ever said “God dammit” and got away with it was Moses, when he got to the Red Sea.


  60. Well maybe Camping (the fundie pastor misheard/miscalculated what gawd said ) may be partially absolved (the ‘preacher’ lives in Oakland,CA)

    Small, magnitude-3.6 earthquake shakes SF Bay Area
    3.6 earthquake struck at 7:05 p.m. Saturday night…The epicenter was about eight miles north of Berkeley…

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