Once again, The Zoo has learned exclusive inside information into the developing story of Corporate Person Hood. According to sources deep inside the executive branch, Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr., has convened a secret grand jury for the purpose of seeking indictments for First Degree Murder against Bain Capital.
This stunning development began shortly after Presumptive Presidential Candidate Mitt, Corporations are People, Romney stated, in public, that Corporations are People. With that admission, investigators sprung into action.
“We’re focusing on the period from 1984 to 1999” an insider revealed. That’s when Romney ran Bain, driving 17 companies into bankruptcy or complete closure. “The bankruptcy cases don’t interest us right now. That’s kind of like sending a Corporation Person into ER, and they recover. We want the cases where the Corporation Person ceased to exist because Bain sucked all the life out of it. That’s murder, and there’s no statute of limitations on murder.”
Sources also indicate the DoJ is looking to indicte Romney as a co-conspirator with the Corporation Person Bain Capital. “He may well be the master-mind behind the whole thing,” another anonymous insider stated. The insider then added, off the record, that the indictments are being planned for the week of the Republican National Convention.
The Zoo stopped by Romney’s headquarters for comment, but staffers there were too busy shaking Etch-a-Sketches to speak. One harried staffer paused just long enough to say, “look, we’ve got thousands of Etch-a-Sketches to shake…one for each of Romney’s positions he has held over his entire political life. We don’t have time to respond to every little rumor about Romney killing this Corporation Person or that Corporation Person.” With that, a moving van arrived. “Oh God, it’s his Stances on Women Etch-a-Sketches – they’ve finally arrived.” The staffer ran screaming into the headquarters, “A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!”
THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
IF BAIN CAPITAL SHUT DOWN KELLOGS, WOULD IT BE A CEREAL KILLER?