Once again, my conservative friend has forwarded me a piece of crap in the form of an “awesome” litany of insults, lies, stupidity, and a hint of racism.
Here’s the intro:
“Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound maybe this would be a solution we could live with.”
Is this supposed to imply that the prices of gasoline and coffee are controlled by liberals, or by the President? Any President? Several well-known Fox-News-conservatives certainly disagreed with the idea that the President could control the price of gasoline back when G.W. Bush was President.
“DIVORCE AGREEMENT — This is so incredibly well-put, and I can hardly believe it’s by a young person, a student!! Whatever he runs for, I’ll vote for him!”
Actually, it’s so incredibly juvenile, simplistic, and jingoistic, that I can only believe that it was written by a blowhard dickweed.
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“Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:”
Apparently the author just picked a bunch of what he/she thought would be insults, regardless of their appropriateness (or actual definitions.)
“We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.”
Hmmm…so far, “this latest election process” has consisted of 20+ Republican debates. Hell, after watching most of those debates, I want a divorce from Republicans.
“Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.”
It’s a little too late to “end it on friendly terms”, especially when you start off with insults.
“Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.”
Again, there is no way that “our two sides can come to a friendly agreement”, nor would it be “relatively easy” or “effortless.” Let’s say that the Republicans/conservatives can keep the red southern states; you know, the states that the blue northern states have been helping to support with our ‘donor taxes’ for lo these many years; the states that have the highest rate of diabetes and infant mortality; the states that eschew science and would prefer that citizens be ruled by a theocracy – yup, you Republicans can keep those, we don’t want ‘em.
“2. We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.”
So, you’d rather pay a higher tax rate than Warren Buffet, G.E., Exxon-Mobil, etc.? Fine. Or are all Republicans secret multi-millionaires?
“3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.”
If “the liberal judges” is supposed to refer to the justices on the Supreme Court, that’s not fair, as their aren’t any: there are one or two moderate Supreme Court justices, and yes, we’ll take them, thanks. And the ACLU, too, we’ll be happy to keep them: why wouldn’t we want an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the civil rights of United States citizens?
“4. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.”
Yes, liberals hate war. Do Republicans LOVE war? Do they love having their children or spouses killed, maimed, mentally broken? Do conservatives seriously believe that only conservatives own guns? The NRA can go fuck itself, unless it would like to stick with firearm safety and leave politics alone. We liberals will keep the cops, because we prefer law and order to civilian vigilantism and “Stand Your Ground” bullshit laws. And we’ll also keep the military, thank you very much, because we not only value their service, we value their lives after they come back to the country which they (and their families) have sacrificed so much to defend. Conservatives haven’t done anything to invest in our military personnel, whether it’s for proper equipment to help reduce casualties, or for medical and rehabilitative services, or employment training and opportunities once they’re back home.
“5. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.”
Fine, no argument there. Conservatives can keep their finite, polluting energy resource, and liberals will work towards a viable future utilizing renewable energy resources. But conservatives are going to have to figure out how to keep their pollution out of our clean air and water – and they’re going to have to pay for it themselves.
“6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.”
WTF? Oprah’s a liberal? Gee, she used to be the darling of millions of woman, regardless of political ideology! Was it the Palin interview? Aww, are conservatives upset because Oprah didn’t kiss Sarah’s flag pin? Well, I guess that we’ll take her, and definitely Michael Moore, but Rosie O’Donnell? Just because she’s a liberal doesn’t mean that we have to LIKE her, or that we agree with every word she says. Liberals are not sheep like conservatives. We chastise liberals who act like idiots, and don’t blindly defend them.
In return, conservatives have to take: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Tony Perkins, Glenn Beck, and Bill O’Reilly. And you’re responsible for finding any vehicle big enough to hold their combined egos.
“7. We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.”
No argument from me on this one. We’ll work with regulated, fair capitalism (i.e., I prefer my food untainted, thanks; and “caveat emptor” is no way to run a country); we’ll buy any drugs we need from Canada; and we’re already happy to avoid Wal-Mart. Are conservatives happy to support the multi-billionaire Walton family, along with the Chinese who make most of Wal-mart’s wares, and the vultures on Wall Street? You DO realize that they don’t give a rat’s ass about YOU, don’t you?
“8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.”
Now, here’s where this really starts pissing me off, especially since it’s Republican policies that help to keep people on welfare and food stamps from getting OFF welfare and food stamps: if recipients of these benefits are lucky enough to get a job where they can actually start saving money to improve their situation, their benefits are automatically cut back, leaving them back in the same situation in which they started.
“Homeless homeboys?” Isn’t that a tad racist? There ARE homeless people, including thousands of homeless military veterans, who are not all “homeboys” (in your euphemism.) “Hippies, druggies?” As a hippie-ish druggie, I personally resent those supposed insults: I have a job, and I work hard for my meager living. “Illegal aliens?” Conservatives revile them, despite the fact that LEGAL aliens of various ethnic backgrounds were each reviled in their turn over the last century or so. Just because some of your ancestors came to America through the front door doesn’t mean that they were any less hated than the current immigrants coming in through the back door.
“9. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s[sic] and Rednecks.”
You can have ‘em, but you have to realize that the “greedy CEOs” have no use for the “hot Alaskan hockey moms” and the “Rednecks.” Nor do the “greedy CEOs” have any use for YOU, except as shills.
“10. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..”
“11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.”
If by “make nice” you mean “won’t bomb them back to the Stone Age”, agreed. But since liberals are keeping the military, you’re going to have to figure out your own way to “invade and hammer” places that “threaten” you (and I’m guessing that by “threaten” you mean “won’t bow down to your imaginary awesomeness.”)
“12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.”
Again, not without the military you won’t. And, since your “way of life” will be comprised of greedy CEOs, polluting fuels, and insular, ignorant citizenry, I doubt if you’ll have very many allies for long.
“13. We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.”
Too late, you lost them already. What passes for Christianity in this country bears no resemblance to the Christianity that Christ taught.
“14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.”
All religions will be tolerated in our liberal country, unless they try to force their religious beliefs on non-believers, either personally or through legislation. We’ll keep Humanism; political correctness is just a demonisation of politeness/tact/diplomacy; I have nothing against Shirley McLain; and we’ll be glad to have the U.N. – since we get New York, it’s ours anyway. Conservatives sure are insular!
“15. We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.”
Fine – you’ll just run out of gas that much sooner while you’re going broke paying for that gas.
“16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..”
Conservatives would be surprised to know just how many good doctors support universal, government-run healthcare. And cutting out the HMO middlemen will help to pay those doctors reasonable fees for care. On the other hand, you don’t get to keep Social Security, disability payments, or Medicare.
“17. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.”
So, conservatives truly believe that if you can’t afford a doctor, you can just go ahead and die. Alan Grayson was right. Thanks for admitting it, you sick fucks.
“18. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
No. You can have “The Battle Hymn [there’s an oxymoron] of the Republic”, and we’ll throw in “God Bless America”, but we’re keeping the National Anthem.
“19. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya,” or “We Are the World”.
Well, we’re keeping the National Anthem, but we’ll use “Imagine” for the Seventh Inning Stretch. BTW, I learned “Kumbaya” (yes, that’s the correct way to write it) in CATHOLIC SCHOOL, so if you think that you’re being insulting, you’re only insulting the Catholic nuns who taught it to me. So much for those Christian values, eh?
“20. We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.”
Good luck with that. “Trickledown” aka “voodoo” economics hasn’t worked, not under Reagan (who raised taxes several times – did you know that little factoid?), not in eight years under G.W. Bush. And in our liberal country, since taxation will be distributed more fairly, the poorer among us will have more disposable income to pay for goods and services and create more jobs.
“21. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.”
No way in hell. You can have the Confederate flag, since you’re getting the southern states and the rednecks.
“22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.”
We’ll agree to the compromises as outlined above. And you’ve already abandoned the “spirit of friendly parting”, so I’ll just answer with ‘good luck” – you’re going to need it.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American”
“P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.”
You can keep Ted Turner (any asshole who thinks that colorizing classic black-and-white films, and who doesn’t know what a “balk” is in baseball, is useless), but we’ll hang on to the others just for fun.
“P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.”
We will if we want to hear correct English. And it’s “P.P.S”, as in post post scriptum.
“Forward this every time you get it! Let’s keep this going; maybe some of it will start sinking in!”
Oh, it’s already sunk in that conservatives are, for the most part, greedy, selfish, faux-Christians. No need to forward it to anyone belonging to the human race.
“**If you can’t stand behind our Military, please feel free to stand in front of them!”
If you think that only conservative Republicans stand behind or serve in the military, think again. I know one particular liberal, who spent five years serving OUR country in our U.S. Air Force, who is highly insulted by this tripe.
All responses by Jane E. Schneider
Liberal, U.S. Citizen, Patriot
P.S. Liberals also get to “keep” all of the women who don’t want your government interfering with their medical and reproductive choices.
This is our daily open thread — Have at it!