The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 23, 2012: Ha’e ye had yer Haggis today?

Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

So, what was it like, way back then, when the first haggis was served?

“Hey there, McPhearson, I dare ye ta eat this?”

“What is it, Scotty”

“It’s Haggis! I made it myself!”

“What’s in it?”

“Oh…left overs.”

“Leftover what?”

“Ev’ry thing what’s left over after th’ lassies take the edible parts out.”

“Like what?”

“Like…lungs and kidneys and heart and liver.”

“That’s disgustin’. Ya expect me ta eat that?”

“It gets better….I chopped all that stuff up and mixed it with blood and oatmeal.”

“That’s better?”

“Then I stuffed it all in a sheeps stomach and boiled it.”

“Oh…well, in that case, here goes!”

GULP.

“Now that I’ve had yer Haggis, I dare ye to drink this.”

“What’s that?”

“Ya know that barley and hopps and stuff we piled up last fall over in the peat bog?”

“Yessss”

“Well, I saw this fluid oozin from th’ bottom o’ the pile.”

“Annnnd…”

“And I boiled it in a big pot.”

“Oh, well then…”

“That’s not all.”

“Then what?”

“I put a lid on the pot and attached this looooong tube…ta’ catch the steam and let it cool down to a liquid again.”

“An’ ye want me ta drink that?”

“Sliante!”

“Hey, this is good!”

“It sure kills the taste o’ th’ Haggis!”

“Oooh, my head. It feels like someone’s poundin’ on it with golf clubs…and I gotta take a whizz. Gimme th’ key ta th’ outhouse!”

“Hey, that’s what I’ll call it…Whiz-ky!”

****************************************************************************

An’ now we return to th’ present, an’ a Scotsman visits the U.S.of A….

I git to this grrreat country o’ yers, an’ th’ first thin’ I see is a Scottish restaruant…How great kin that be? So I go in therre, and I orders me some Haggis. An’ they say they dinna know what Haggis is. An, I looked, all over they’re menu….they dinna ha’e any Haggis. An’ I said, ‘What th’ fok…an’ yeu call yerselves a McDonalds?

They asked me ta step aside.  Thennnn, I realized th’ craftiness o’ the place. Th’ man standin’ behind me I recognized as none other than yer famous singer, Glen Campbell. Now, ta’ unnerstan’ this, ye need ta look up th’ history o’ the Campbells and th’ McDonnalds. But once ya do, this is priceless….Campbell orders hisself a McRib! Ya, right, like he’s gonna git any “ribs” in that! Th’ jokes on him!

Now, yeu ‘Merikans all turn up yer noses at “Haggis”, but ye’ve ne’er tried it. But you’ll eat “hot dogs”. Ye e’er look up what goes into “hot dogs”? lips..snout…cheeks…eyelids…scrotum…  Think about that when you go do Der Wienersnitzel an’ order yer next “weiner”.

At least yer President was honest – he ate real hot dogs. I dinno if he’s had Haggis, though. His loss if he hasn’t.

An’ fer the rest o’ ye. Git real. Ya eat hamburgers made wid “pink slime” fer Gawds sake. Th’ least ye could do is give Haggis a shot.

An’ remember th’ whisky…we invented it because it kills th’ taste o’ th’ Haggis!

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR OWN TIME ZONE AND THE OPEN THREAD.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!