Tweeter caught up with Invisible Obama at the Democratic National Convention this past week. Although the transparent candidate was denied a speaking spot at the convention, he was allowed to share the stage with the First Family.
Later, Invisible Obama and President Obama met behind closed doors to discuss campaign strategy. Tweeter flew right past the Secret Service agents to gain this unique oportunity to listen in on the two candidates.
IO: I think you should campaign on your record, and let me campaign on mine. You’ve got a solid record of accomplishments, from the Lilly Ledbetter equal pay act, to saving the country from another great depression to the first reform of health care in modern times. Me? I could only hope to achieve some of the things the Republicans are giving me credit for.
PO: Like what?
IO: Like totally socialist health care. They say I socialized health care in this country, but I didn’t even come close. No Universal health care, no single payer, no MediCare for all. But, hey, if I’m out there getting all the blame, you’re free to campaign on your own merits.
PO: But what are you going to campaign on?
IO: Repbulican successes!
PO: Are you crazy?!?
IO: Hear me out…I want to point out, day and night, each and everything Republicans should proudly take credit for. Things like blocking the American Jobs Act for what, over a year now? They have done more in that one act to increase people’s dependency on government handouts than the Democrats have done in the past decade.
And how about repeatedly stonewalling the budget, unemployment benefits – you name it – to the point of actually damaging the credit rating of this country – just to keep massive tax breaks for multi-millionaires? That’s quite an accomplishment.
They passed a law allowing a stranger to shove something up a woman’s
PO: You can’t say c—, that’s offensive.
IO: How about p—-?
PO: Stick to vagina.
IO: Ok. They passed a law allowing a total stranger to stick something up a woman’s vagina if she wants to have an abortion. They’ve gone from “date rape” to “state rape” with that one. They should stand on their accomplishment.
PO: Now, I’ve got two daughters…do you think maybe I should run on that issue, too?
IO: Go for it! But I think the crowning accomplishment for Republicans this cycle is their ability to solve a problem that didn’t even exist: Voter Fraud!
PO: You think that ranks higher than blocking effective reform of this country’s financial sector so that we will most likely face another fiscal meltdown?
IO: Oh, yeah. See, that’s one of your problems, Barack. You take too many words to describe a problem. You could learn something from the Republicans there; keep it to short, simple, three-word phrases. That’s about all most people care to wrap their heads around these days.
But back to what I was saying. Republicans have solved the Voter Fraud problem by insitituting massive regulations and reforms guaranteed to kick hundreds of thousands of citizens off the voter registration roles, guaranteeing them a win this fall, all to prevent less than a hand-full of actual voter fraud incidences from affecting our elections. It’s absolutely brilliant! While Voter Fraud has not affected an election in recent history (Florida and Deibold excepted), voter ID laws certainly will.
I plan on campaigning around the country championing the Republican successes at keeping people from voting, because the surest way to get someone to do something, is tell them the government won’t allow them to do it. Kind of like teens and sex.
PO: I’ve got two daughters … don’t go there!
IO: Right. ix-nay on the een sex-tay.
PO: Ok. Where are you going next?
IO: California. I’m trying to set up a debate between myself and Invisible Dirty Harry.