Dateline: Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The first of the Presidential Debates between Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt will take place in Brodie, California. Brodie is a Ghost Town, a holdover from the glory days of the California Gold Rush, where such towns sprang up overnight, and were abandoned just as quickly when the ore ran out. Brodie was selected for its remoteness and lack of a living population.
Tweeter: Before we get going on tonight’s topics, which include the economy, health care and the role of government and governing, I want to ask each of you what you’ve done to prepare for tonight’s debates. Mitt?
IM: I’ve been doing a lot of aerobics. It really helps shake things up, so I can get a new position on everything.
IO: Me? I’ve just been doing a lot of leg lifts to stay in shape. (chuckles)
Tweeter: Mitt, I see you’re beginning with a blank slate. Any comment?
IM: I am fully prepared to take any position on anything you ask.
Tweeter: With that, let’s get started. First up is the economy. We had a booming economy when President Clinton left office. The budget was balanced, and we were even paying down the national debt. Eight years later, we were running massive deficits, the floor was falling out from under the stock market. hundreds of thousands of workers were being laid off each month. Invisible Obama, what have you done in the past three and a half years to turn this country around?
IO: Not enough, Tweeter. Yes, I got a stimulus bill through, but it was barely enough to keep the country from sliding into a Great Depression. But I had to agree to letting the very same people who drove the economy over the cliff keep their massive Bush Tax Cuts…that’s the only way I can ever get anything past the Republicans in the Senate.
IM: There you go, blaming Republicans for your failed policies. The stimulus didn’t work because it didn’t cut taxes enough, it didn’t cut regulations enough. If you really want to stimulate the economy, you have to stop taxing the job creators and get rid of wasteful government regulations. Now I’m all for children. God knows Ann popped out enough of them. But why keep them out of the labor force? Why not let them, if they’re industrious enough, go out and get a job and start taking advantage of all the opportunities this Great Country has to offer to get ahead in life. I’m a prime example of pulling myself up by my own bootstraps and making a name for myself.
IO: As I was saying before my illustrious opponent interrupted me, I have had to deal with Republican obstructionism in the Senate since Day One. That’s why I need to be re-elected, so I can continue to do the same things, only this time, I hope the voters toss out the ten Republicans that are up for re-election this year.
IM: (chuckling) Good luck with that! Zing! Oops, wasn’t supposed to say that.
IO: And I suppose you can do better?
IM: You bet I can. In fact, I’ll bet you ten thousand dollars, right now, ten thousand dollars, that my first term will be better than yours. You see, there are a lot of things a President can do to help the economy without bothering to go through Congress. Just by exercising the Presidential rule-making authority, I can deregulate virtually everything. All I have to do is stop enforcing the regulations we have. I can also help the economy by taking the wars off budget.
IO: Wars? I got us out of Iraq, remember?
IM: Oh, sure, Iraq. But there’s Iran and Syria and Lybia to invade. Not to mention North Korea, Pakistan and Canada.
IM: Why not? They’re close, they have a lot of our natural gas, and some of them speak French. Besides, wars are great for the economy.
Tweeter: Ok. Well, we’re out of time on the economy. The next topic is Health Care. Invisible Obama, since you took the first question, I’ll give this one to Invisible Mitt. Mitt, Obamacare is fashioned after RomneyCare in Massachusetts. Millions more Americans now have affordable health care as a result, yet you say you want to dismantle it? If you repeal ObamaCare, what will you replace it with?
IM: Forty-seven percent of the people think they’re entitled to health care, entitled to food, clothing and shelter. But they’re not. All they’re entitled to, once that sperm meets that egg, is to being born. After that, they’re on their own. Like I was. I’m a self-made man, and that’s the American Dream. By repealing ObamaCare, and Medicare, and Medicaid, we free Americans to make their own health care decisions, guided only by what their insurance company will cover, and what they are willing to pay for out of their own pockets.
Tweeter: Invisible Obama, what do you think?
IO: The Founding Fathers stated that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, chief amongt them the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, now, if life is an inalienable right, then all men have a right to food, clothing and shelter, all those things that make life possible. Of course, now, we extend those inalienable rights to women, as well as to men, but the basic concept is the same.
And no one can pursue happiness if he or she is sick. So health care has to be considered one of those inalienable rights. Now, note that the Founding Fathers did not say all men have a right to make a profit. Making a profit is not an inalienable right, so health care can be provided to people without it necessarily being a for-profit industry. And it bears mentioning that while America is the greatest country in the world, we still lag behind other nations in providing affordable health care to the neediest of our citizens. So ObamaCare is a start, a step in the right direction, but that’s why I need four more years, to continue to fight for you, and everyone else out there, to make sure no one has to go bankrupt, or die, for lack of affordable health care.
Tweeter: Mitt, care to make a rebuttal?
IM: Not really.
Tweeter: The last topic for the night is the role of government and governing. Invisible Obama, you’re first up.
IO: In this great democracy, the government belongs to the people. And I’m talking about 100% of the people, not just the 1%, or even the 47%. You see, the President’s job is to care about all the people. One of the greatest powers granted the government under our Constitution is the power, and the responsibility, to provide for the common welfare. The common welfare, not the welfare of the job creators at the expense of those who have to work for a living.
Tweeter: Mitt, your response?
IM: That Great Republican President, Ronald Reagan, said Government is not the solution, Government is the problem. And if you elect me, I’ll prove to you how true that statement is.
IR: How come I wasn’t invited to this debate!
Tweeter: Invisible Ryan?
IR: That’s right! And I’m here to tell you, and you, and you, and all the folks at home watching this, that government is too big. That’s why I put together a budget…
IM: We…we put together a budget…
IR: …we put together a budget that will shrink the federal government without reducing any necessary services. When I’m elected, I will make sure Congress passes my budget…
IM: Our budget. I’m on the ticket, too, remember?
IR: Only because you were up against a bunch of clowns the past year. Now it’s serious, and, to be honest, you’re blowing it. Did you see Mornin’ Joe’s face-palm?
Tweeter: Invisible Ryan, I see you’re on wheels.
IR: Cuz’ I represent mobility, man.
Tweeter: And it looks like you’re on a pedastal?
IR: You have a problem with that?
Tweeter: And you’re for sale?
IR: Hey, I’m a politician, what do you expect?
Tweeter: Well, that ends our time for tonight. Join us on October 16, when Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt meet again, to discuss both foreign and domestic policy.
IR: And don’t forget October 11, when I get to debate Invisible Biden. I’m gonna knock him on his invisible [bleep].
THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD:
FEEL FREE TO POST YOUR OWN MASTER DEBATE, JOURNEYMAN DEBATE, OR APPRENTICE DEBATE.