The Watering Hole, Wednesday, October 3, 2012: On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama: Master Debaters


Invisible Mitt

Invisible Obama

Dateline: Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The first of the Presidential Debates between Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt will take place in Brodie, California. Brodie is a Ghost Town, a holdover from the glory days of the California Gold Rush, where such towns sprang up overnight, and were abandoned just as quickly when the ore ran out. Brodie was selected for its remoteness and lack of a living population.

Tweeter: Before we get going on tonight’s topics, which include the economy, health care and the role of government and governing, I want to ask each of you what you’ve done to prepare for tonight’s debates. Mitt?

IM: I’ve been doing a lot of aerobics. It really helps shake things up, so I can get a new position on everything.

IO: Me? I’ve just been doing a lot of leg lifts to stay in shape. (chuckles)

Tweeter: Mitt, I see you’re beginning with a blank slate. Any comment?

IM: I am fully prepared to take any position on anything you ask.

Tweeter: With that, let’s get started. First up is the economy. We had a booming economy when President Clinton left office. The budget was balanced, and we were even paying down the national debt. Eight years later, we were running massive deficits, the floor was falling out from under the stock market. hundreds of thousands of workers were being laid off each month. Invisible Obama, what have you done in the past three and a half years to turn this country around?

IO: Not enough, Tweeter. Yes, I got a stimulus bill through, but it was barely enough to keep the country from sliding into a Great Depression. But I had to agree to letting the very same people who drove the economy over the cliff keep their massive Bush Tax Cuts…that’s the only way I can ever get anything past the Republicans in the Senate.

IM: There you go, blaming Republicans for your failed policies. The stimulus didn’t work because it didn’t cut taxes enough, it didn’t cut regulations enough. If you really want to stimulate the economy, you have to stop taxing the job creators and get rid of wasteful government regulations. Now I’m all for children. God knows Ann popped out enough of them. But why keep them out of the labor force? Why not let them, if they’re industrious enough, go out and get a job and start taking advantage of all the opportunities this Great Country has to offer to get ahead in life. I’m a prime example of pulling myself up by my own bootstraps and making a name for myself.

IO: As I was saying before my illustrious opponent interrupted me, I have had to deal with Republican obstructionism in the Senate since Day One. That’s why I need to be re-elected, so I can continue to do the same things, only this time, I hope the voters toss out the ten Republicans that are up for re-election this year.

IM: (chuckling) Good luck with that! Zing! Oops, wasn’t supposed to say that.

IO: And I suppose you can do better?

IM: You bet I can. In fact, I’ll bet you ten thousand dollars, right now, ten thousand dollars, that my first term will be better than yours. You see, there are a lot of things a President can do to help the economy without bothering to go through Congress.  Just by exercising the Presidential rule-making authority, I can deregulate virtually everything. All I have to do is stop enforcing the regulations we have. I can also help the economy by taking the wars off budget.

IO: Wars? I got us out of Iraq, remember?

IM: Oh, sure, Iraq. But there’s Iran and Syria and Lybia to invade. Not to mention North Korea, Pakistan and Canada.

IO: Canada?

IM: Why not? They’re close, they have a lot of our natural gas, and some of them speak French. Besides, wars are great for the economy.

Tweeter: Ok. Well, we’re out of time on the economy. The next topic is Health Care. Invisible Obama, since you took the first question, I’ll give this one to Invisible Mitt. Mitt, Obamacare is fashioned after RomneyCare in Massachusetts. Millions more Americans now have affordable health care as a result, yet you say you want to dismantle it? If you repeal ObamaCare, what will you replace it with?

IM: Forty-seven percent of the people think they’re entitled to health care, entitled to food, clothing and shelter. But they’re not. All they’re entitled to, once that sperm meets that egg, is to being born. After that, they’re on their own. Like I was. I’m a self-made man, and that’s the American Dream. By repealing ObamaCare, and Medicare, and Medicaid, we free Americans to make their own health care decisions, guided only by what their insurance company will cover, and what they are willing to pay for out of their own pockets.

Tweeter: Invisible Obama, what do you think?

IO: The Founding Fathers stated that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, chief amongt them the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Well, now, if life is an inalienable right, then all men have a right to food, clothing and shelter, all those things that make life possible. Of course, now, we extend those inalienable rights to women, as well as to men, but the basic concept is the same.

And no one can pursue happiness if he or she is sick. So health care has to be considered one of those inalienable rights. Now, note that the Founding Fathers did not say all men have a right to make a profit. Making a profit is not an inalienable right, so health care can be provided to people without it necessarily being a for-profit industry. And it bears mentioning that while America is the greatest country in the world, we still lag behind other nations in providing affordable health care to the neediest of our citizens. So ObamaCare is a start, a step in the right direction, but that’s why I need four more years, to continue to fight for you, and everyone else out there, to make sure no one has to go bankrupt, or die, for lack of affordable health care.

Tweeter: Mitt, care to make a rebuttal?

IM: Not really.

Tweeter: The last topic for the night is the role of government and governing. Invisible Obama, you’re first up.

IO: In this great democracy, the government belongs to the people. And I’m talking about 100% of the people, not just the 1%, or even the 47%. You see, the President’s job is to care about all the people. One of the greatest powers granted the government under our Constitution is the power, and the responsibility, to provide for the common welfare. The common welfare, not the welfare of the job creators at the expense of those who have to work for a living.

Tweeter: Mitt, your response?

IM: That Great Republican President, Ronald Reagan, said Government is not the solution, Government is the problem. And if you elect me, I’ll prove to you how true that statement is.

Invisible Ryan

IR: How come I wasn’t invited to this debate!

Tweeter: Invisible Ryan?

IR: That’s right! And I’m here to tell you, and you, and you, and all the folks at home watching this, that government is too big. That’s why I put together a budget…

IM: We…we put together a budget…

IR: …we put together a budget that will shrink the federal government without reducing any necessary services. When I’m elected, I will make sure Congress passes my budget…

IM: Our budget. I’m on the ticket, too, remember?

IR: Only because you were up against a bunch of clowns the past year. Now it’s serious, and, to be honest, you’re blowing it. Did you see Mornin’ Joe’s face-palm?

Tweeter: Invisible Ryan, I see you’re on wheels.

IR: Cuz’ I represent mobility, man.

Tweeter: And it looks like you’re on a pedastal?

IR: You have a problem with that?

Tweeter: And you’re for sale?

IR: Hey, I’m a politician, what do you expect?

Tweeter: Well, that ends our time for tonight. Join us on October 16, when Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt meet again, to discuss both foreign and domestic policy.

IR: And don’t forget October 11, when I get to debate Invisible Biden. I’m gonna knock him on his invisible [bleep].


OR …

123 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Wednesday, October 3, 2012: On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama: Master Debaters

  1. When I was asked if I wanted to join the management team here at work several months ago to manage our newly formed group of data stewards, I declined. My director then told me the secret question I would be asked if I ever really wanted to apply for a manager position. Only one question.
    Why do you want to be a manager?

    That’s the question Norman Goldman postulated yesterday for WillardRat. Why does he want to be President?
    Norman’s sage answer was, to get to be the MAN. The man that folks fawn over, kowtow to, give deference to, listen to, worship, adore, all because of the office they occupy.
    I think he nailed it. He’s not all that interested in policy, helping people, or doing anything but enacting the Koch agenda, and he really doesn’t even give a shit about that. It’s all about Pomp, Circumstance, and the spoiled fratboy richkiddream.

    • Republicans, especially the Capitalism-worshiping ones, still think of President of the United States as a Chief Executive Officer job because he’s the head of what is called, in a completely different context, the Executive Branch (or as GW Bush called it, “the Administrative Branch.” And to think we used to laugh at him, right up until he was selected (sic) president.)

      They still insist that government can be run like a business with an eye toward bottom line profits. What they fail to understand is that if they don’t spend all the money they’re given, citizens probably don’t get all the services they’ve paid for.

      • That’s right, Wayne, Antoinette was waxing about how lucky we will be to have Mitt ‘run the country’ – WTF? Oh to have a CEO at the top once again – today’s CEO is a feudal baron of old, the modern company a huge chunk of pre-1215 society eating the insodes out of the post-1689 society.

    • I couldn’t agree more. Crumney’s 47%ers comments showed his true colors, and add that to his need to correct each and every time Ryan is introduced as the Presidential candidate (loved Joe Scarborough’s face in the palm embarrassment over Rom’s bombs!) all point to a callous, clueless, overinflated ego. Crumney’s lack of anything but the “same old, same old” plan that helped trash our economy in the first place, and his total cluelessness of how the common man lives, and what his needs are, is further evidence that he lacks any genuine aptitude for the office.

    • Exactly. It’s clear Mitt is achievement oriented, even if he has to buy it. After you have all the money he admits to (cuz I think he’s worth much much more), and been the governor of a state, the natural progression for an entitled rich guy is PRESIDUNCE!

      No, he doesn’t want the damn job. He wants the title; he wants the fuss; he wants to be the leader of the free world. In other words, he wants to be KING.

  2. QOTD:

    “It’s interesting that Carlson’s claimed that he was offering a big reveal, despite the fact that many in the media covered the video at the time—including Tucker Carlson.

    Carlson’s descent from reasonably credible magazine journalist to inept race hustler is well mapped territory. He has not been the same man since Jon Stewart took him down. The ethering reverberates through the years with such force that we now find its recipient slathering yesterday’s nothing-burgers in weak sauce, and serving them up as the daily special.” — Ta-Nehisi Coates, in The Atlantic, spanking the Epic Bow-Tie Fail.

  3. And thanks BnF I won’t need to watch the debate tonight now…. 😉

    I wasn’t going to anyway – I have a good idea what will happen anyway.

    • I’m not sure what else I would do with the time, since I normally watch a mix of Current and MSNBC, and they will both cover the debate.

      • Obama will successfully conduct himself without reacting defensively to any questions, he will use enough facts to make his points and also to counterpoint that Rmoney doesn’t have any good facts. He won’t attack Rmoney at all.

        Rmoney will lie his ass off and get away with it.

        The lamestream media will declare Rmoney the winner because he doesn’t stand on his dick.

    • So, if WillardRat actually wins via Diebold and massive voter suppression, will they have a fleet of aircraft ready to airlift us to Canada?

      • I’m thinking I won’t let my daughter stay at school downtown on election day. If they steal another election I don’t think it will stay peaceful. Maybe that’s why they went through all the FL goofiness in 2000 to give people time to calm down before they finalized the deal.

  4. I love John Hodgman’s sensibilities:

    hodgman @hodgman
    That Romney would go full Atlas Shrugged on the anniversary of Occupy Wall Street… is this a performance art piece?
    17 Sep 12

    He laments the humbling nature of political humor online:

    “When you have something that is as clear-cut—as much as Mitt Romney would like it not to be—as what he said [on the 47%], it truly does seem like there’s a race on Twitter and other social-networking platforms to be the first to arrive with the joke. I think this happens now with most major, or even minor, news events. And anxiety is born out of the fact that those of us who make jokes professionally or semi-professionally—or in my case, literary humor bon mots—are more aware than ever, because of the cloud hive mind of Twitter, just how many smart, funny people are out there.

    It truly is a matter of time, and often not very much time, before what you might imagine in your head has already been done several times on Twitter. There are a lot of minds working on the same problem at the same time. You’d hope that would have some practical application, like curing deadly diseases. But for the most part all of the minds are working on responding to Mitt Romney’s dumb thing.”

  5. And a commentary in the Guardian.

    Ahmadinnerjacket actually made some sense last week…briefly

    “…because when you have a nuclear weapon, nobody attacks you”

    – Lindsey Graham – also having an isolated moment of lucidity.

    Why on earth does anyone really think that Iran will commit suicide by putting a rudimentary bomb on a missle and lobbing it at Israel – who will lob most of its 300 far more sophisticated arsenal right back?

    Iran took the lesson from North Korea and Iraq – a nuke guarantees no US attack will ever come. Fortunately Iran’s people know they can change their government if they really want to. I think we should let them do it themselves.

    BTW, Rmoney is going give Sheldon wood tonight and ask all kinds of stupid questions of Obama on Iran and Israel.

    • “BTW, Rmoney is going give Sheldon wood tonight and ask all kinds of stupid questions of Obama on Iran and Israel.”

      Tonight’s debate is on the economy and domestic policies.

      • As I hit ‘Post’ I remembered that. Buy me a beer if he makes a point about the economy->sequester->defense spending->Iran though.

  6. So when conversation between you and the Teabagger in your family turns to Unions and their corrupting influence on politics – and in the wake of Rmoney’s comments that Corporations are People, but Teachers aren’t when it comes to donating to politicians…. let ’em have this:

    Here’s and their estimate of how much one of the largest unions in the world, the Teamsters has donated in 2012:

    Hers’ the largest of the Teachers’ Unions:

    And here’s Yahoo on ‘donor fatigue’ strking the Rmoney campaign:

    Near the bottom you find the ‘compare and contrast’ –

    “Wall Street firms are on track to exceed their record giving to presidential candidates this year. …had already spent $164 million on the 2012 contest as of early September.

    Sheldon Adelson? $70 million all to Republicans Who presumably have now signed on to make sure the Feds don’t prosecute him for money laundering

  7. QOTD II:

    “Mitt’s window to turn the economic debate around is [Wednesday.] And his alleged supporters just shit on it. An abysmally selfish and stupid event,” – Alex Castellanos, on the racist Drudge-Hannity-Carlson gambit.

    • The thing is, even if some trust fund baby took her up on this challenge, they still know that after six months they’re going back to the pool side. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s shining off champagne glasses, not an on-coming train.

      Excellent letter, BTW. I noticed that a law firm over in Idaho is hiring, so I checked out their ad. This is one of the richest law firms in this area, and get this: They are hiring legal assistants for MINIMUM WAGE. Un-fucking-believable.

  8. It still amazes me though I know it shouldn’t. Just a week or so ago inSeanitty was whining about people being upset about a clip of Mittens from “way back in May” despite the fact that the clip was posted in context and in its entirety. This week he’s all but coughing up blood over a clip of President Obama in 2007 and he has to lie about it in order to make it sound damaging to his viewers. When it comes to lying? He’s the worst. The other Reichwhiners will leave themselves some wiggle room but inSeanitty will sit there wearing a blue tie and look straight into the camera and say its red. And his moronic worshipers will then dutifully spread across the interwebs to tell the world about his red tie. The tie that doesn’t even exist.

    • You and pete are on a roll. 😉

      I’m guessing “Dr” A-blow would not think it normal that Iran might want to stockpile weapons to defend itself against us.

    • I”m guessing that might affect my son’s report to his civics class. Do they call CPS if a child reports that his mother slugged Chardonnay and cursed during the debate, or in today’s political climate is that considered normal behavior?

    • Those are some sour-faced hateful assholes. People going to Obama rallies are smiling and happy, not self-righteous “I got mine” racists.

      I guess they think they’re clever hurling insults at a cardboard cut out, especially since they don’t mind acting that way in front of a camera.

        • I could (perhaps should) admit that I’m embarrassed to be a resident of Colorado, given the extent of that nonsense, but I won’t; I’ll carry it a step beyond and state, without equivocation, the absolute truth of the matter: I’m embarrassed to be a citizen of the United States of America.

    • The crowd that is so angry about the Socialist Muslim just can’t wait to vote for the Vulture Capitalist Mormon. Do they realize Mormons think Jesus is an alien?

      • A local radio host read a list of prominent fundamentalists who have called Mormonism a cult in the past but are now endorsing Mittens. It took several minutes and includes just about every fundy I’ve ever heard of and a good many strange names. I think the change of heart might have something to do with that nasty rumor that President Obama is not entirely Caucasian.

    • I still think that Mittens’ trip and how it was covered by foreign media might go down in history as a turning point. It might be wishful thinking or sheer coincidence but it sure seems like the “librul media” has been a little better about calling out lies and stupidity. It only took a few sentences for their colleagues overseas to, accurately, decide he’s a moron and report same.

          • Another shoe about to drop on Paul Ryan

            The Huffington Post writer that just released the video of Ryan saying 0nly 70% of Americans want the American Dream was on the Rachel Maddow Show a couple of days ago and said he had fifteen separate videos of Ryan saying things that many Americans might find disgusting. He said the next video he will be releasing has Ryan saying point blank his goal was to Privatize Medicare and Medicaid. He said he will be releasing videos from now until the election….Should be interesting to say the least..

            Maybe the October surprise is ours?

  9. I have to watch the debate tonight because I want to hear Willard use his Zingers. They are like Twinkies, only different.

  10. Hi gang! Whatssup? Hey have you heard the big reveal that has now been totally confirmed. The Prez is black! No shit, WOW! Well I got 3 bottles of wine to chill, see ya at Zoo time at 4pm

  11. I make it a general rule not to watch debates. Or conventions. Or speeches. I gave up on debates after watching Geraldine Ferraro pound GHW Bush into the ground and then listening to Cokehead Roberts grinding on about how Bush had obviously won the debate. What the fuck are you talking about??!!

    I know how this plays out. Even if Obama puts in a letter-perfect display the wingnutia will go on and great length about his arrogance, his lack of humanity — everything but the fact that he is still Black. I’ve got plenty of good teevee to watch and a half full bottle of Old Charter 10 y.o. Let me know how it turns out. Y’all I trust.

  12. But do let me know if my imaginated October Surprise should occur. As I realized while showering this morning, some serious military opportunity will occur during the debate, and a frenzied-looking aide will slip out on stage and whisper in Obama’s ear. There will be a pause and then an announcement that the debate must end as the President has something terribly important to attend to. Romney will stand frozen at his podium while the Leader of the Free World is rushed off stage. End of story.

    • As one commenter on Raw Story put it I think the issue in Benghazi was meant to go that way but it suffered from a bad case of premature articulation.

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