The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 23, 2013: Breaking Gnus! Obama to do a 180 on Guns!

Twitter, The Zoo's Top Investigative Journalist

Twitter, The Zoo’s Top Investigative Journalist

This just in: President Obama plans to announce a new White House Policy on gun control. In response to Republican calls for his impeachement even before he takes the oath of office for a second time, President Obama has decided to do a stunning about-face in his stance on gun control. Twitter managed to get an advance copy of the draft of the President’s upcoming speech.

     “My fellow Americans. And that includes you old white guys that voted for the other guy.

     “It is time to acknowlege that our government has failed you, the honest, hardworking, God fearing American Citizen. We can no longer keep you safe in your homes, on your streets, in malls and movie theaters, and in your schools.

     “A few days ago, I introduced a package of Executive Orders and legislation I thought would help. You responded with outrage, and calls for my impeachment. I got the message. You don’t want any restrictions on your right to bear arms.

    “Now I know there are a great number of Americans who hold President Ronald Reagan in high esteem. But lately I’ve heard that they believe he was senile when he signed the bill outlawing machine guns. So, effective immediately, I am ordering law enforcement to stop enforcing all laws that impinge on your right to bear arms. If you feel you need a fully automatic machine gun to protect yourself from criminals, outlaws, or a takeover by your government, feel free to go out and buy one.

     “I am ordering the Justice Department to draft a legal challenge to those laws, to have the Supreme Court strike them all down as unconstitutional.

     “And I am asking all members of Congress to join with me in bipartisan support and pass a new, revised version of the Militia Act of 1792. As you might know, the Militia Act of 1792 required all able bodied men to buy muskets and keep a store of musket balls and gunpowder. Well, we’re beyond the days of muskets. I want every able-bodied adult, not just you men, but women-folk too, to own at least one assault rifle and 100 rounds of ammunition. And I want Congress to pass this legislation immediately.

     “We cannot wait. The bad guys have had this kind of firepower for far too long. It is time we, as a nation, come together and stand united in our support for the Second Amendement, united in protecting ourselves and our loved ones, and united in gun ownership.

     “Thank you, and God bless America.”

A spokesperson for the NRA merely said, “It’s about time.” But, as Twitter was leaving, he heard the man pick up his phone and say, “Bud? Yeah, it’s me. You know that national chain of funeral homes you want to start? Count me in.”

Foreign car makers Aston-Martin and BMW are quietly working up plans to introduce commercial versions of their “Bond Cars” for the American market. They will come as fully armed as their movie counterparts. Prices are expected to start at over $2.4 million for the BMWs and over $6 million for the Astin Martins.

Democrats, by far and large, applauded the President’s move. One aide spoke, on condition of anonymity, “The President knows that Republicans cannot help but oppose everything he wants, and will propose the exact opposite.”

Republicans, when asked for comment, were uniformly outraged. “He can’t do this!” said one, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s unconstitutional! He has to enforce the laws we have! And who is he to order everyone to go out and buy guns! We can’t have everyone armed! The Second Amendment was all about State’s Militias! If he dares to have someone introduce this legislation on the floor of Congress, I will file articles of impeachment the very same day…the very same minute!” With that the Congressman rushed to his office to begin drafting articles of impeachment.

READY, AIM, POST!

 

UPDATE:

Ok. So I wrote this over the weekend and scheduled it for today. Who knew?

Tea Party Congressman: Citizens Should Have Same Weapons As The Military

Yes. Sadly, there are those who want an arms race here in America, with civilians lining up to buy the latest and bestest killing machines available. Fear begets fear. Carnage on an unimaginable scale awaits. Will calmer, saner heads prevail?

Sorry to bring in a downer on what was supposed to be a lighthearted satire…..but, really…civilians with military grade hardware?

117 thoughts on “The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 23, 2013: Breaking Gnus! Obama to do a 180 on Guns!

  1. I think its time to hold some registration drives with our eyes on the 2014 midterms. To encourage certain demographic groups to register I purpose that some groups offer incentives to non-registered citizens. Perhaps if the NAACP offered a free AR-15 to young black men to register to vote…

    I’m not sure whether or not this is snark?

    • Actually, Pachy, I think that’s a brilliant idea. Let’s ask the NAACP to write to the Republican Congressional Leadership and tell them they want to make sure they understand the government’s position on assault weapons. They want to know if it’s okay to give away an AR-15 (anybody remember what the “AR” stands for? of course it does!) to anyone registering to vote. After all, banks can give them away when you open a bank account (see Michael Moore getting his in “Bowling for Columbine”), so why can;t the NAACP?

      Someone can double-check me on this, but I think you can register to vote if you’re going to be old enough to vote in the next regularly-scheduled election. You may not be able to vote before yo;re 18 if a special election comes up in between, but I think you can register early. I thought i’ve heard of high school registration drives based on this premise. So the NAACP may be able to give free AR-15s to 17-year-old black males. That should make the GOP happy. 🙂

      • I suppose the stupidity of recent comments from RWNJ’s about civil rights protests in the 60’s and what if the blacks had had guns and the absolute idiotic suggestions that MLK would approve of the NRA’s actions has given me new insight as to how insane they are. Therefore to fight fire with fire I propose:

        That guns be issued to all persons receiving food stamp benefits;

        Anyone receiving non-emergency health care at an emergency room needs a gun too;

        People who ride public transportation and purchase commuter discount cards should get a hand gun as well as well as people who ride bicycles to work;

        A gun would be an appropriate gift to a man getting a vasectomy at Planned Parenthood.

  2. Tea Party Congressman: Citizens Should Have Same Weapons As The Military

    Yes, that could work. I remember the day back in AZ when Dubya Bush was in Phoenix to celebrate John McCain’s b-day (Katrina was on the way to New Orleans as they ‘celebrated’). We were enjoying a camping trip in the White Tank Mountains, the desert range (also a ‘natural’ County Park) that defines the western edge of the Greater Phoenix metro area. Dubsy flew in on AF-1 which landed at Luke AF Base, not far (and actually visible) from the White Tanks foothills where we were camped.

    When AF-1 left, I was wishing I had a S.A.M. Would this new law let me have one? I mean, the military has them, so …

    Also, I know they’re expensive. Could I expect the gubmint to hep me pay fer it? Shore would be nahce!

    There are also some biological and/or chemical weapons I’d like to have. I mean, think of how useful a jug of Sarin might be at the next NRA convention or Tea Party get-together. Lahck fer example.

  3. What a great day! My E.COLI came through! (sotospeak). That’s my ‘Exceptional Cost Of Living Increase’ courtesy of the S.S., and I have an extra twelve bucks PER MONTH to enjoy!

    Yee Haw!

  4. You know, we talk about how crazy it would be to let civilians own military hardware, but we have that already: Blackwater/Xe/whateverthehellitiscallednow.

    If you want chemical weapons, you need look no further than what’s below your kitchen sink.

    What did they use to blow up the federal building in Oaklahoma City? Fertilizer and Diesel Oil.

    Point is, if “terrorists” really wanted to terrorize Merika, weapons are easily available. Those that live in fear arm themselves to the teeth with whatever they can get. It’s almost Darwinian, as they are far more likely to be killed they their own guns then from the “bad guys” they fear so much.

    • Yeah, back in the sixties I worked as a BCW chemist on classified R&D projects. The availability of nasty stuff is kinda scary, actually. Fortunately, most idiots prefer guns (makes their Cheney thingees grow and grow whereas chemicals cause them to shrink. Assuming they could ever get any smaller).

    • I wondered if that was just a California thing. People walk their dogs and have no problem with letting them use your lawn for a toilet. Most people carry plastic bags and pick up afterwards. Why can’t these people walk their dogs around their property, wait until they shit, and then take them for an exercise walk?

      The last two days I’ve had two huge dogs relieve themselves on my lawn. The first one was a guy walking Marmaduke and he was going to leave it until I walked out to the driveway and in a very unfriendly tone said, “You’re gonna pick that up, right?”

  5. As a veteran, I should qualify to own an M70 grenade launcher, with 2000 eggs (rounds), an M60 machine gun (or its modern equivalent), fougasse, tripwires, claymores and AR15 with 5000 rounds of ammo. Where do I sign up for my well regulated militia?

  6. Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) tore into Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the deadly attacks in Benghazi, Libya, on Wednesday, saying that her planned departure indicates that she accepts “culpability for the worst tragedy since 9/11.”

    “I think if some people on this committee want to call the tragedy in Benghazi the worst since 9/11, it misunderstands the nature of 4,000 Americans plus lost over ten years of war in Iraq fought under false pretenses,” newly elected Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT) said in response.

    • I have arrived at the conclusion that young Mr. Paul just might be stupider than Jimmy Inhofe. I don’t know if there have ever been two stupider U.S. Senators serving simultaneously. Being an ambassador can be a very dangerous job and one being killed is much like a police officer getting killed responding to a domestic disturbance. It’s not always preventable.

      If we want to list all the things that have happened since 9/11/01 that prove young Mr. Paul is an idiot we would probably crash the WP servers but there’s a huge, scandalous, ongoing tragedy in this country that breaks the hearts of sane people with each outrage. That tragedy is the slaughter of innocent children with legally purchased firearms and young Mr. Paul shares some culpability because he’s as committed as anyone to the cause of ensuring that every crank and crackpot in the country is free to assemble an arsenal of military grade firearms.

  7. I would tell Mr. Broun “you lie” but it would probably be inaccurate. The word “lie” implies that the liar has enough grasp of reality to know that he/she is lying. Mr. Broun is so blinded by bigotry that I’m not sure he realizes that there’s a difference between reality and the perverse fantasy world he inhabits. All that being said; whatever the Hell happened to the tradition of lawmakers who cross all the lines of human decency being censured by their colleagues? Removing him from office might be a bit harsh but this guy needs to be slapped down hard and branded with a scarlet letter.

    http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2013/01/23/1486241/gop-rep-the-only-constitution-that-barack-obama-upholds-is-the-soviet-constitution/

    • I loved that article. Read it last night. Showed it to soon to be 10 yrs old Amber. She agrees. Her perspicatious perspective? Dinosaurs were around a lot longer than people will be.

      • That might be a bit harsh.

        It’s weird. The same thing that infuriates me is also Tweety’s biggest strength. When he talks over his guest just to hear himself talk i can’t stand him. When he refuses to let a guest off the hook on answering a direct question he is one of the best in the business.

  8. If they’re so clueless that they have to ask…

    The Republican Party seeks to learn from its mistakes—and it wants your help | The Ticket – Yahoo! News

    e Republican Party is looking for advice.
    To kick off this week’s Republican National Committee’s winter strategy session, which will focus in part on how to broaden the party’s appeal to women and minority voters, the RNC on Thursday launched a website soliciting ideas and constructive criticism about what the party did wrong in 2012—and what it can do better over the next four years.

    • I have a very simple suggestion for them. Leave the hate mongers of the GOP and join us sane people in the physical universe defined by our consciences, senses, and intellects.

      Other than that I’m afraid that the only hope is that they turn to the GOoPer to their right and shoot him/her in the head.

  9. I am going to make the most shallow comment today. As I am wont to do 😉

    I would have voted for whazzisnameagain in Israel, just because he looks smashing. Boy oh boy…

    Female chauvinist something I am.

  10. I just heard this on the local talk show.

    “Monogamy is socialism”. His argument is that the masses have forced monogamy on the 1% so that there are enough mates to go around.

  11. “So I saw this blonde woman thrash a bunch of guys on my TV this morning, and it took me an hour to realize I was watching Hillary Clinton and not Kill Bill part one.” – John Fugelsang, just now.

  12. Sigh… Science fiction without a simple understanding of nonfictional science is just stupid. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy “stupid cinema” and I still love the original Star Trek. The Next Generation hasn’t aged as well and gets too preachy but it has its moments. But? Deep Space Nine is available thru Hulu and, having only caught a few bits and pieces on the TV machine, I figured that I would while away some winter hours watching some of it. That came to a screeching halt. Why?

    I could live with the horrible “acting” and unpleasant characters. I usually get a kick out of those things. Then I started watching an episode that revolves around intercepting a shipment of “weapons grade dolomite” before it gets into the hands of the rebels. Dolomite? Really? Are the rebels of the 24th century going to decide that slingshots are such awesome weapons that they will ship a very common rock across interstellar space?

    I can just picture the writer trying to come up with a cool sounding name that isn’t “tritanium” or “neutronium” or “radiogenic” when his stoned buddy says “dolomite”. So there it is. Apparently they didn’t bother with a technical consultant who would have explained that the word might sound cool but describes a very mundane real mineral.

      • Definitely the high point of the series, IMHO, but I can’t find much else to recommend it. And even she pales in comparison to T’pol, from Enterprise, in her underwear.

        BTW. Did you ever discover a reason why Commander Sisko always seems to face the invisible camera when he’s talking? It’s almost as annoying as Kira trying to act as, well, act.

        • Never watched Enterprise, more than once or twice. Since it was syndicated, the local stations always ran it at the wrong time, while TNG and DS9 were always on at 9pm, We could work a little late at the car shop, leave about 8pm, and get home with food in time to watch those.

          I never had a problem with Sisko or Kira from an acting perspective.

          • Perhaps it had more to do with the writers and directors? I don’t know. Sisko always seemed to be looking “someplace else” while he delivered his lines and maybe tried to adopt too much of Patrick Stewart’s Shakespearean roots. Kira always seemed to be trapped somewhere between gritty and comic relief. Maybe the characters evolved so I might try watching a few random episodes from later seasons. It could just be a question of growing into their roles.

            I think the weakest part of Enterprise is Scott Bakula as Captain Archer. Not horrible but he never really sold the larger than life image of a Star Fleet Captain. (Though, to be fair, his character was creating the role.) I thought they did a pretty good job of doing a prequel and creating some back stories for events in the series set at a later date. Plus, the episodes with Green Orion Animal Women provide lots of interesting sights and Jolene Blaylock is just effing hot!

            • Speaking of prequels, did you ever see the film prequel, Star Trek, made in 2009? It had Chris Pine as Kirk and Zachary Quinto as Spock, during their Star Fleet Academy days and immediately after. I saw that the other day, and enjoyed the treatment of the characters immensely. They did a really good job with McCoy and Scotty, too, and had a real hottie playing Uhura.

          • I could stomach most of the Trek franchises… except Voyager. Certainly Jeri Ryan came in just in time to save the day; but that show was just awful, imho.

            Just saw all of Enterprise for the first time recently on Netflix. A bit preachy, and too reliant on cliche’d plot devices at times, but overall, I thought the series in it’s entirety was pretty good. Sets and special effects were good, and they did a nice job (at times) of really giving a sense of how far out these guys were travelling, and that sense of exploration.

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