Twitter, The Zoo's Top Investigative Journalist

Twitter, The Zoo’s Top Investigative Journalist

Twitter listened in on the closed-door conversations at the recent CPAC Conference regarding re-branding the Republican Party.

Mittens was the first one to speak up: “47% of the country won’t like us no matter what we call ourselves.”

Ryan: “You and you’re 47% speech cost me the election!”

Mittens: “Oh, and like your lame-brained budget proposal had nothing to do with it.”

Queen P: “Boys, boys, pipe down. If anybody knows anything about losing elections, I do.”

McCain’t: “You can say that again.”

Queen P: “If anybody knows anything about losing elections, I do.”

Herman C.: “He didn’t mean that literally. Look, why don’t we try something that’s never been done before?”

Ron P.: “What did you have in mind?”

Herman C: “Truth!”

Michelle B gagged on a corn dog. Gov. Christie tried to give her the Hemilich but couldn’t reach any further than her bosom, at which point her eyes popped even wider than they normally look. Just then, Larry Craig walked in and sized up the situation.

Larry: “Stand back, wide guy. I know how to handle this.” Larry strode over, tilted Michelle’s head back and extracted the long meat sausage from her throat.

Queen P: “Wow, that was just like a pro!”

Larry: “Thanks. Just doin’ what I do best. Now, can anybody direct me to the restroom?”

Michelle: “Go out, go to your left, it’s just past the closet.”

Larry left, but being a staunch Republican found it impossible to go to his left.

Mittens: “Truth? Truth? I spoke the truth about 47% of the population and look where that got me.”

Herman C: “No. Not that kind of truth. Truth about us. About what we stand for.”

Ryan: “You mean the Rich and Powerful? Call ourselves the Rich And Powerful Party?”

Queen P: “And Evangelicals. We can’t fergit our Christian Base.”

Rove, who had been sitting in a corner in a fetal position stood up: “Rich And Powerful Evangelical Party. I like the sound of that. It rings true. It sums up everything we stand for in a few words. It’s bound to catch on.”

And with that, the R.A.P.E. Party was born.



100 thoughts on “THE WATERING HOLE: Wednesday, March 27, 2013: REPUBLICAN REBRANDING

  1. Oh my! Larry Craig! And I have that picture of Bachmann with the corn dog in her mouth somewhere on my FaceBook wall.

  2. great commentary this morning BnF, Thanks!

    Queen P, the Quitter Queen, $arah Payola….never far from an audience and a paycheck. I wonder how the 5 X 7 glossies are selling these days.

    it amazes me how someone so insignificant can still be seen in public spewing her insane shrieks of drivel. i suppose, like Batscat Bachmann, the bigoted old gray haired bastards find her attractive.

    speaking of crazies, i still think Rick Perry wanks-off every night looking at the photo of her in a bikini aiming an AK-47…

    suppose old horn-dog Herman has tried to tip her over?

  3. ICYMI
    Is Joe McCarthy A Hero To Ted Cruz? The Texas Senator Won’t Say

    In a recent interview, the Dallas Morning News asked Cruz, “Is McCarthy someone you admire?”
    Cruz, who could not bring himself to say a flat-out “no,” instead answered,”I’m not going to engage in the back and forth and the attacks.”
    O’Donnell slammed Cruz for dodging the question. “Ted Cruz is not willing to say whether Joe McCarthy is someone he admires, and he won’t say that because Ted Cruz wants to live in a world where he can use Joe McCarthy’s tactics and get away with it,” he said.

    I don’t always make it to O’Donnell.

  4. “Dew yew know hew ah ay-m!!!???”

    “Oversight of Park Service is my job!” the message reportedly read. “Natural Resources Thus the Congressional Plate in window.”

    The police report also quoted Gohmert giving the officers a lecture.

    “I was issued a ticket and I am a congressman and parked my vehicle in the NPS parking only because I have a Congress placard, see,” Gohmert told one officer, according to the report. “I am going to a meeting on the Hill and I am the one who oversees the National Park Services Natural Resources.”

    Nasty little pisher.

  5. How much money is wasted on discussing abortion rights and gay marriage? The SCOTUS decided on abortion why is it still an issue. And now they’re working on gay marriage and no matter what they say some wingnut will still want to argue against it for absolutely no good reason. We are a country full of idiots. Complaining about budget and taxes while throwing it way over bullshit.

  6. Turtle’s got an interesting evening planned….. going to the Boy Scouts of America Town Hall on membership questions facing the organization…..

    I’m expecting something like this:

    • We’ll certainly want to read allll about it!
      Try not to laugh when the argument turns to how ‘scary/immoral/gawd doesn’t want or need’ gay scouts or leaders.

      • Well its going to go one of three ways:

        1. “Our God says: NOOO poofters – cos’ its wrong”. Then we go this way:

        2. “We nede to protect the kids and all poofters are paedos” – actually the Just Quit Pope says no and believe me I think he knows his paedos, but why take his word for it…. how about 30 years of settled clinical psychology?

        3. “We don’t want two groups in scouting with different rules” – tough titty, you;ve already got it – the Brigham Young Cultists and the Rest.

        Defense will rest on the following statement, drawn from my own Bible which I opened today for the first time since 1969 when i got it for memorizing the tecn commandments and Lords prayer at age 5.

        “36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

        37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

        (Matt 22:36-40)

          • My daughter’s gay best friend has been in the boy scouts his whole life. Every summer they go on a two week summer hike with the scouts. His father, straight brother and even his sister go too. Nobody has ever asked if he’s gay but maybe that’s because we live in a Republican district they’re very rich Republicans not the stupid redneck Republicans.

            • It may be that the rest of the troop has simply accepted it and it’s simply not an issue for them – I hope that’s how my sons’ pack and troop are, but I have already encountered two people who don’t think like that.

  7. Beckyboy has managed to get even crazier. His latest conspiracy theory is that the investigation of Batscat Bachmann’s campaign finances is a plot by the Muslim Broterhood’s operatives who have infiltrated the government. Meanwhile, those of us in the cause and effect universe inhabited by sane people realize that Batscat is no stranger to shady dealings. Whether it’s accepting large donations from fake “charities”, speaking out for the pardon of men convicted of running Ponzi schemes, or just making horrible shit up about good people; she’s as dirty a politician as there is. My personal theory is that much of this is due to the voices in her head absolving her of guilt for any and all transgressions.

    • Steven Seagal – check out this movie script!! You can be Glenn and kung-fu kick your way through the Muslim Brotherhood’s secret Fifth Column, don’t forget to emote, though eh?

  8. Speaking of crazy Reichwhiners. Steve King must be feeling left out so he went after Michelle Obama and the girls taking a spring vacation. Once again I find myself wondering where the lying stops and the insanity takes over. How many times do we have to tell these freaks that the Obama’s pay, aside from the SS protection that they would also get at home, for their own vacations?

    • Where was this dipshit when Chimpy was pulling the same stunts? Hypocritical turd….. where’s that new box of c**kpunches I got from Amazon yesterday?

    • I think that’s the smart move. There would have been no return for her after the Reich-wing feeding frenzy. And, meaning no offense at all, I don’t think she’s a great enough actress to act mean enough to win against a slime ball like Mitch.

    • The man’s stupidity knows no bounds at all, does it? The hippies did it. Makes sense, but I thought it had something to do with the fact that Nixon bombed Cambodia into something like the surface of the Moon.

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