In response to President Obama’s announcement that he will begin providing weapons to Syrian Rebels because the Syrian Army used chemical weapons, Syrian President Al-Assad announced his country will begin arming Tea Party Patriots to support their revolution against the American Government.
“It is widely known” Al-Assad proclaimed, “that the American government sponsors the widespread uses of chemical and biogical weapons. Through its puppet, Monsanto, a corporation totally immunized from civil and criminal prosecution for its actions, the U.S. Goverment is poisoning its people with biologially altered food, sprayed with chemicals so toxic their agents have to wear hazmat suits.” The Syrian President went on to note that the United States tried to invade other countries with these biological and chemical weapons, only to be soundly defeated abroad.
“The Tea Party stands out,” Al-Assad said, “in its open resistence, carrying small arms and assault rifles to its protests. And the Tea Party not only opposes the deployment of these chemical and biological weapons, it opposes everything the corrupt American Goverment does. That makes it an ideal ally in our fight against American Imperialism.”
A spokesperson for the Syrian Government refused to comment on the rumor that the government has already recruited bedouins to disguise themselves as Mexicans to bring heavy machine guns and other military equipment across the southwest border between the U.S. and Mexico. However, flight manifests indicate a large number of camels and other items of a suspicious nature have already been shipped to Tijuana.
As of this writing, every Tea Party spokesperson contacted by The Zoo has flatly denied any deal with the Syrian Government. However, it goes without saying that if Tea Party militias were receiving arms from a foreign government, they would flatly deny doing so. Thus their denials merely feed the growing suspicion that the Tea Party is planning a major offensive against the Obama Administriation, with the full backing of the Syrian Government.
TWO ARMS – TO ARMS – TOO, ARMS!