The College of Cardinals, unhappy with the liberal bent of Pope Francis, have shut down the Catholic Church.
Church bells were silenced this morning as Parish Priests around the globe sullenly posted the shut-down notices on cathedral doors. For the first time in centuries, no Mass was held this morning. Vatican City was closed to all visitors as an erie silence descended upon its streets and halls.
The shutdown notices stated:
Until His Eminance returns to the traditional values of the Catholic Church, these doors will remain closed. The College of Cardinals regrets any inconvenience this shut down has caused. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.
The effects of the shutdown were not immediately felt outside of Vatican City. In the United States, parishoners simply went back home and watched football. Some stopped long enough to comment.
“Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”
“This is all Pope Francis’ fault. If he hadn’t started embracing atheists and gays we wouldn’t be shut out of our place of worship.”
“The Pope is supposed to represent God here on earth. For the past two thousand years, God hated gays and atheists and Protestants. Why change now? This is the Devil’s work. We’re at the end of times for sure.”
Economists warn this shutdown, if it lasts more than a couple of weeks, could have a direct effect on the global economy. Millions of dollars that used to flow to the Vatican every Sunday will now be spent locally. On the other hand, charity and missionary work will run out of funds before the end of the year.
Michelle Bachmann took to the morning talk show circuit this morning, praising the shutdown. “The Catholic Church is nothing more than a massive socialist government disguising itself as a religious organization that redistributes wealth from the job creators to the poor. It’s about time someone shut it down so the people will be free to practice their own religion and come to know that Jesus Christ is coming down to Earth and save all true believers. We’re living in the End Times now. Praise Jesus for this blessed shutdown!”
GIVE US THIS THREAD, OUR SUNDAY ROAST,
AND FORGIVE US OUR COMMENTS,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO COMMENT AGAINST US,
AND LEAD US NOT INTO TYPOS,
BUT DELIVER US FROM MISSPELLINGS
FOR THINE IS THE POSTING,
AND THE INTERNET
FOREVER AND EVER