The Sunday Roast: October 13, 2013: Catholic Church Shuts Down

The College of Cardinals, unhappy with the liberal bent of Pope Francis, have shut down the Catholic Church.

Church bells were silenced this morning as Parish Priests around the globe sullenly posted the shut-down notices on cathedral doors. For the first time in centuries, no Mass was held this morning. Vatican City was closed to all visitors as an erie silence descended upon its streets and halls.

The shutdown notices stated:

Until His Eminance returns to the traditional values of the Catholic Church, these doors will remain closed. The College of Cardinals regrets any inconvenience this shut down has caused. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.

The effects of the shutdown were not immediately felt outside of Vatican City. In the United States, parishoners simply went back home and watched football. Some stopped long enough to comment.

“Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”

“This is all Pope Francis’ fault. If he hadn’t started embracing atheists and gays we wouldn’t be shut out of our place of worship.”

“The Pope is supposed to represent God here on earth. For the past two thousand years, God hated gays and atheists and Protestants. Why change now? This is the Devil’s work. We’re at the end of times for sure.”

Economists warn this shutdown, if it lasts more than a couple of weeks, could have a direct effect on the global economy. Millions of dollars that used to flow to the Vatican every Sunday will now be spent locally. On the other hand, charity and missionary work will run out of funds before the end of the year.

Michelle Bachmann took to the morning talk show circuit this morning, praising the shutdown. “The Catholic Church is nothing more than a massive socialist government disguising itself as a religious organization that redistributes wealth from the job creators to the poor. It’s about time someone shut it down so the people will be free to practice their own religion and come to know that Jesus Christ is coming down to Earth and save all true believers. We’re living in the End Times now. Praise Jesus for this blessed shutdown!”


56 thoughts on “The Sunday Roast: October 13, 2013: Catholic Church Shuts Down

  1. I’d like to help, of course, so maybe a rewrite of the Rosary?

    Hail Mary, full of Grapes
    Blessed art thee amongst Lemons
    And Blessed are all the Vatican Fruits in thy room . . .
    Jesus! What a mess!



    So, this prayer is to the admins, whose power is to correct those typos and mispellings?

  3. Shutdown/debt ceiling takeaway from the Sunday shows:
    Democrats are ‘moving the goalposts’, because they started asking for things we wanted, because the Teabaggers wouldn’t give up any of theirs. Once again, it’s only a compromise if they get 98% of what they want.

  4. Why Giving Republican Bullies a Bloody Nose Isn’t Enough

    Since Barack Obama became president, the extremists who have taken over the Republican Party have escalated their demands every time he’s caved, using the entire government of the United States as their bargaining chit.

    In 2010 he agreed to extend all of the Bush tax cuts through the end of 2012. Were they satisfied? Of course not.

    In the summer of 2011, goaded by an influx of Tea Partiers, they demanded huge spending cuts in return for raising the debt ceiling. In response, the President offered an overly-generous $4 trillion “Grand Bargain,” including cuts in Social Security and Medicare and whopping cuts in domestic spending (bringing it to its lowest level as a share of gross domestic product in over half a century).

  5. Newt Gingrich on Face the Nation – “This is the President of the United States, who is dramatically trying to change the country in a variety of ways: Obamacare, the stimulus, you name it, making a decision, that he wants to be legislator-in-chief and that he’s prepared to run a very tough fight.”

    Newt never got over the stimulus? How did the stimulus dramatically change the country, aside from rescuing the economy the Republicans nearly killed?

  6. “Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”

    Yup, that’s pretty much what I started thinking in grammar school.

  7. loved the Hokie video….and here’s to Frankie the Fixer. Keep plugging away man, if you ever make it to New Mexico, I’ll buy you a cold one at the Pink Slipper!

  8. Brian Schweitzer on Candy Crowley’s CNN show: “This is the legislative body. They ought to be working this thing out, not rushing over to the president and saying ‘solve our problem’. He’s there with the pen at the end, but the legislative branch has got to solve this.”

    Spoken like the governor he is, who actually understands how the political system is supposed to work. Obama shouldn’t be blamed for what the Republicans are unwilling to do.

      • The Resolution passed the House:

        According to this, on October 1, Republicans changed the House Rules so that only Boehner can call a vote to end the shutdown. He owns this — and all of its consequences, globally. The 221 that voted for it (including 7 democrats & the 4 who abstained) also own this shutdown – they gave Boehner the power to extort anything and everything he can under the threat of global economic catastrophy.

        I wonder what this is doing for gun sales. Sure, you can’t buy a gun without a background check & the government shutdown has put a halt to that, but that doesn’t affect sales at gun shows….

    • I always admired Goldwater, and not because I lived in AZ back in the early sixties when he began his presidential campaign. He was probably the last truly decent Republican to run for President; today, he’d be booted out of the party as a Socialist. Why? Lots of reasons. He was instrumental in integrating the Phoenix Union School District in the early fifties; he and his brother Bob were instrumental in the process of allowing the first black golfer to play on the PGA tour in the Phoenix Open; he was admired and supported by both the Hopi and Navajo People in AZ (who did NOT get along with each other, and hadn’t for several centuries at least); he was instrumental in integrating the Arizona Air National Guard, which he commanded in the fifties.

      Goldwater was the only Republican presidential candidate I ever voted for.

      Here are a handful of Goldwater quotes, most from his later years; they pretty much tell the tail as to why he would no longer fit in the GOP:

      “Jerry Ford is a decent man, but the pardon [of Richard Nixon] never made sense to me and still doesn’t. It hurt him politically and indeed may have been instrumental in his loss to Jimmy Carter in 1976.” ~Barry M. Goldwater

      “I will fight them [the religious right] every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of `conservatism.'” ~Barry Goldwater, 1981

      “I integrated the National Guard [in Arizona]; I, in effect, integrated everything in Arizona that I had a hand in.” ~Barry M. Goldwater, Larry King Live interview, 1993

      “I’m very worried about the so-called religious right. I don’t believe that we should attempt to mix religion actively in the subject of politics. Remember Thomas Jefferson rode his horse through the thirteen colonies preaching against the church and state, and I’m totally in accord with that.” ~Barry M. Goldwater, Larry King Live interview, 1993

      “I guess they look on me sort of as a Socialist.” ~Barry M. Goldwater, Larry King Live interview, 1993 (commenting on his non-appearance before the Republican National Convention in 1992)

      “Now those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth, and let me remind you they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyranny.” ~Barry Goldwater

      “I photographed every tribe, and they’re damned good people. They’re very, very good people. I like them.” ~Barry Goldwater on KAET (PBS Affiliate) special on Southwest photographers; circa 1998

      “I just want to be remembered as an honest guy that tried. You can’t be remembered in a kinder way than to have people say, ‘well, he wasn’t much of a politician, but by God he was honest.'” ~Barry Goldwater; circa 1998

  9. Great post BnF!
    Considering I was raised to believe that God knew everything we did and our very thoughts (sort of like Santa) I could never understand the need for confession.
    The internet would be a better place if everyone agreed with “forgive us our comments, as we forgive those who comment against us”.
    I just came home from the town my son lives in, the “gateway to the Skyline Drive”. Normally, even with the endlessly rainy weather we’ve been having, the roads would be crowded. The roadside stands with apple and pumpkins would be open and people would be pulled over buying. Restaurant parking lots would be full. Instead, I had the road to myself, and even though I’d decided to buy a pumpkin just to help out the folks who are losing their customers, the farmstands were closed. Thanks a lot GOP!

    • Tell him for me “Show me that your care whether our children and grandchildren have clean water to drink, clean air to breathe, and safe and wholesome food to eat and then maybe I’ll listen to what you think is important for us to leave to our descendents.”

    • •Wake up. It’s time to go fall in the well!

      • My idea of a bath…consider yourself warned.(that is Mel’s sentiment as well)

      Damn, there are some funny ones today. The cat letter/squirrel carrier is very clever.

  10. Ahh the Catholic church. Anyone seen The Borgias? (Was on Showtime). I watched it all on DVD. just finished the final season yesterday. Wow. Even if it isn’t 100% factual.

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