A Federal District Court judge for the district of North by Northwest passage, Hoboken, New Jersey, ordered the Republican Party be removed from life support no later than 5:00 p.m. January 28, 2014.
A finding that the Party has been brain-dead since at least January of 2001 prompted the court’s decision. The court found that although the Party has been on life-support for over a decade, “there is no hope of viability. Instead, the Party continues to consume billions of dollars that could be better spent elsewhere.”
An RNC spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous, stated the Party intends to appeal the District Court’s decision and hopes to have a stay in place in time for the Party to make an official response to Obama’s State of the Union Address. The response is reported to rely heavily on rumors that Obama was born in Kenya, and that Benghazi was an intentional plot to side with the terrorists against U.S. interests in protecting Israel and the Afghanistan pipeline.