The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Christ the Lord, in a press release sent to all major news outlets around the globe, announced that He was cancelling His Second Coming. While the mainstream media has quashed the story of the millenea, we here at The Zoo feel it is our God-Given Duty to inform our readers that He is not coming.

The press release stated that He knows that people over the centuries have, on various occasions, announced the date and time of His immenent arrival, only to be dissapointed. The Lord also acknowledged that His parting message could have been more specific regarding His Return.

The Lord also expressed regret over giving Man freewill, stating He “knew all along that this would turn out poorly.”

The press release cited three reasons for the 2nd Coming cancellation:

  1. Sequels never live up to their advance hype;
  2. He’d rather die on the cross again than be interviewed on Fox;
  3. He knows there’s a better than even chance He’ll follow in His Father’s footsteps and father a child that people won’t stop talking about for thousands of years.



18 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Wednesday, May 7, 2014

  1. That’s just swell.
    I was gonna party like it’s 1999 and now I’m stuck with a pantry full of Doritos Cool Ranch, bean dip and gallons of Hawaiian Punch.
    I can probably return the noise makers and the party hats but what about all of the RSVP’s?
    What am I going to tell people?
    They’ll think I’m a jerk or, even worse a Pat Robertson wannabe.
    I’m going to go drown my sorrows in Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon, 128 fl. oz.

  2. I’m filled with regret. Sigh. If ONLY the mythical Jesus would return and take all of his patriots off to wherever, think of how much more pleasant a place this earth would be for all of us ‘left behind’!!!

    • It could free up some real estate too.
      A lot of churches could be put to better use.

      • When I was looking for a suitable building with a ground level garage door, for my car shop, I noticed a number of churches occupying small buildings. The price of such startup-sized commercial property is artificially inflated because of those ‘storefront’ churches.

  3. NATO C-in-C says:

    1. Even though Putin says he supports the May 25th election now and he has removed troops today, they have not moved

    Nato "has not seen any significant change" to Russian troops on Ukraine border, denying Putin withdrawal claim— BBC Breaking News (@BBCBreaking) May 7, 2014

    2. NATO says he does not need to invade (and I say he has already disrupted May 25th)

  4. Why is it the Canadians who are doing the most here in pointing out the obvious:

    “… if the world doesn’t see Russian tanks rolling over the border, it will eventually lose interest and it will be business as usual….”

    – US General Phil Breedlove meeting with Canadian PM Stephen Harper (Canada’s Margaret Thatcher – not my best friend).

    Well with BP investing in Rosneft, the City of London laundering Russian mob billions and the French building Putin aircraft carriers, the Germans with $50B of assets at stake….. yes… business as usual….. Putin is counting on it.

    • Every day that passes, without the ‘outside’ world taking meaningful action against Russia, Putin is given permission to move forward in taking over Ukraine.

      • Hearing now rumours of a Gleiwitz Incident being staged – EuroMaidan reporting that Russian media is expecting a staged provocation from Ukraine Right Sector pretending to be Russians? Where is the logic in that? Unless it is preparing the ground for Russians posing as Right Sector pretending to attack Russians?

  5. Wrong, wrong, oh so wrong for the POTUS to even enter the store that doesn’t treat its employees well….and to speak on energy?
    Wrong, wrong, wrong…

    President Obama to speak Friday at Mountain View Walmart

    President Barack Obama will visit a Walmart store in Mountain View on Friday to talk about the importance of energy efficiency, a White House official said Tuesday.

    • He should have done his minimum wage and welfare companies speech…. but then… Obama *is* still a corporatist at heart.

    • Although that was some two years ago, the drooling fundies haven’t changed in their intolerance of others!
      They just can’t figure out that religious freedom includes ALL religions, not just their brand of xtianity!

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