(Warning – mature language)
The rise in religious fanaticism around the globe has taken its toll on the Almighty. So much so that God has gone into psychotherapy, according to Harvey (not his real name), a rare medium who claims to have listened in on a session:
THERAPIST: So, tell me, Lord, vat ist der problem?
GOD: Well, it all began when I created the universe.
THERAPIST: Go on….
GOD: Well, I didn’t really create. I just spoke, and shit happened.
THERAPIST: Vat do you mean, “shit happened”?
GOD: You know, light and dark, earth, sky, water, sun and moon, stars and shit.
THERAPIST: So dat vas a bad thing?
GOD: Hell no. I looked around, and it was all good.
THERAPIST: Unt den vat happened?
GOD: Well, then I got to creating plants and fish and birds and animals. I wrapped everything up late Saturday when I created man. I took Sunday off, because, well, after creating everything in the Universe, I was plumb wore out.
THERAPIST: Sounds like you had a busy week.
GOD: Yeah, it was a hell of a week, especially for my first week on the job. And I think I might have fucked up a bit.
THERAPIST: How so?
GOD: Well, I’m God, you see.
THERAPIST: So you’ve told me.
GOD: Well, I know everything that has happened, is happening and ever will happen. I’m also all-powerful and everywhere at once.
THERAPIST: I sense you are conflicted.
GOD: Very perceptive of you doc. But I knew you were going to say that. But you’re right. I am conflicted.
THERAPIST: Go on…
GOD: Well, I created man, Adam, and woman, Eve. And put them in this perfect garden I made for them. But I knew they were going to screw up, and I knew I was going to punish them.
THERAPIST: But you did it anyway?
GOD: Yes. I did. It’s like I couldn’t help myself, because I already knew what would happen and what I would do, and everything happened the way I knew it would. Then later….
GOD: Well, people just kept screwing up, like I knew they would. So I made it rain. It rained like hell for nearly 6 weeks. Wiped out everything.
GOD: Well, not quite. I did tell this one guy to get his family together, along with a ship full of animals, to ride out the storm.
THERAPIST: So it vasn’t a complete do-over, vas it?
GOD: (sigh) No. But people kept screwing up, just as I knew they would. It’s like nothing I did mattered. They’d just sacrifice a lamb or two and keep on screwing up. I was at my wit’s end.
THERAPIST: So den vat did you do?
GOD: Well, I wanted to kill them all, to show them how pissed I was. But I made a promise that I wouldn’t do that, and, well, being the Lord and all, it’s bad form for me to break a promise. But I had to show them how mad I was, didn’t I.
THERAPIST: Did you?
GOD: Yes. So instead of killing them, I sent my son down to get killed in their place.
THERAPIST: Sort of a substitute sacrifice?
GOD: Sort of…and this is where it gets a bit complicated.
THERAPIST: How so?
GOD: Well, my son and I, we’re actually one and the same. He is me and I am him. So when they killed my son, they really killed me.
THERAPIST: So how long have you had dis preoccupation mit suicide?
GOD: I’m not suicidal, just…I don’t know.
THERAPIST: But I thought you said you know everything?
GOD: I do, and that’s the problem. See, I knew that Adam and Eve were going to sin, and I punished them for doing exactly what I knew they were going to do. And all this talk nowadays about how this terrible thing is me punishing people for this and me punishing people for that…well, it’s just bullshit. I know it’s bullshit, and I know the folks saying it know it’s bullshit, and I knew they were going to say it way back when, when I first created the universe and everything.
GOD: Soooo….am I just a big, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent prick?
THERAPIST: Is that what you think you are?
GOD: I don’t think…I know.
THERAPIST: So, vat are you going to do about it?
GOD: What am I going to do about it? Not a goddamn thing. That’s what. Yeah, I know how it’s all gonna turn out. And I know I started it all. But, you know what?
GOD: People have got it…me…all wrong.
THERAPIST: In vat vay?
GOD: Well, you know that bit about creating the Universe and everything in only 6 days?
GOD: Well, some folks think it was six 24-hour days. Like, really…. a 24 hour day before I even created the sun and moon and earth and any way to measure a day.
GOD: and….to me, this is still Sunday. Come Monday morning I gotta whole lot more creatin’ to do.