The Watering Hole, Wednesday, August 13, 2014: forty-two.

(Warning – mature language)

The rise in religious fanaticism around the globe has taken its toll on the Almighty. So much so that God has gone into psychotherapy, according to Harvey (not his real name), a rare medium who claims to have listened in on a session:

THERAPIST: So, tell me, Lord, vat ist der problem?

GOD: Well, it all began when I created the universe.


GOD: Well, I didn’t really create. I just spoke, and shit happened.

THERAPIST: Vat do you mean, “shit happened”?

GOD: You know, light and dark, earth, sky, water, sun and moon, stars and shit.

THERAPIST: So dat vas a bad thing?

GOD: Hell no. I looked around, and it was all good.

THERAPIST: Unt den vat happened?

GOD: Well, then I got to creating plants and fish and birds and animals. I wrapped everything up late Saturday when I created man. I took Sunday off, because, well, after creating everything in the Universe, I was plumb wore out.

THERAPIST: Sounds like you had a busy week.

GOD: Yeah, it was a hell of a week, especially for my first week on the job. And I think I might have fucked up a bit.


GOD: Well, I’m God, you see.

THERAPIST: So you’ve told me.

GOD: Well, I know everything that has happened, is happening and ever will happen. I’m also all-powerful and everywhere at once.

THERAPIST: I sense you are conflicted.

GOD: Very perceptive of you doc. But I knew you were going to say that. But you’re right. I am conflicted.


GOD: Well, I created man, Adam, and woman, Eve. And put them in this perfect garden I made for them. But I knew they were going to screw up, and I knew I was going to punish them.

THERAPIST: But you did it anyway?

GOD: Yes. I did. It’s like I couldn’t help myself, because I already knew what would happen and what I would do, and everything happened the way I knew it would. Then later….


GOD: Well, people just kept screwing up, like I knew they would. So I made it rain. It rained like hell for nearly 6 weeks. Wiped out everything.

THERAPIST: Everything?

GOD: Well, not quite. I did tell this one guy to get his family together, along with a ship full of animals, to ride out the storm.

THERAPIST: So it vasn’t a complete do-over, vas it?

GOD: (sigh) No. But people kept screwing up, just as I knew they would. It’s like nothing I did mattered. They’d just sacrifice a lamb or two and keep on screwing up. I was at my wit’s end.

THERAPIST: So den vat did you do?

GOD: Well, I wanted to kill them all, to show them how pissed I was. But I made a promise that I wouldn’t do that, and, well, being the Lord and all, it’s bad form for me to break a promise. But I had to show them how mad I was, didn’t I.


GOD: Yes. So instead of killing them, I sent my son down to get killed in their place.

THERAPIST: Sort of a substitute sacrifice?

GOD: Sort of…and this is where it gets a bit complicated.


GOD: Well, my son and I, we’re actually one and the same. He is me and I am him. So when they killed my son, they really killed me.

THERAPIST: So how long have you had dis preoccupation mit suicide?

GOD: I’m not suicidal, just…I don’t know.

THERAPIST: But I thought you said you know everything?

GOD: I do, and that’s the problem. See, I knew that Adam and Eve were going to sin, and I punished them for doing exactly what I knew they were going to do. And all this talk nowadays about how this terrible thing is me punishing people for this and me punishing people for that…well, it’s just bullshit. I know it’s bullshit, and I know the folks saying it know it’s bullshit, and I knew they were going to say it way back when, when I first created the universe and everything.


GOD: Soooo….am I just a big, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent prick?

THERAPIST: Is that what you think you are?

GOD: I don’t think…I know.

THERAPIST: So, vat are you going to do about it?

GOD: What am I going to do about it? Not a goddamn thing. That’s what. Yeah, I know how it’s all gonna turn out. And I know I started it all. But, you know what?


GOD: People have got it…me…all wrong.

THERAPIST: In vat vay?

GOD: Well, you know that bit about creating the Universe and everything in only 6 days?


GOD: Well, some folks think it was six 24-hour days. Like, really…. a 24 hour day before I even created the sun and moon and earth and any way to measure a day.


GOD: and….to me, this is still Sunday. Come Monday morning I gotta whole lot more creatin’ to do.


58 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Wednesday, August 13, 2014: forty-two.

  1. QOTD:

    “If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems,” – Robin Williams, ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ (2009)

    • If that was a line from one of his stand-up routines, that would be one thing. But it’s a line a character he played said in a movie written by someone else (Bobcat Goldthwaite.) It’s not accurate, either. Depression isn’t a temporary problem.

  2. *rinnngggggg….. riiinnnng*
    “uh, God? How’s it going?”
    “State your business.”
    “Um, like, this is Peter, you know, on Earth?”
    “You think I don’t know that? Cut to the chase, I’m pretty busy here.”
    “Uh, well we got some serious problems here, running out of resources, this place is turning into a cesspool, getting kinda worried about about the water supply…. Jesus coming back anytime soon? We could use some relief…”
    “Man, I keep telling you that Jesus did his thing and has moved on. I keep sending other teachers, just like he said would happen, but you don’t listen and just keep killing them off. There were some good ones too, I don’t have to run down the roster do I?”
    “No no, God, I get it…. it’s just that i don’t know how much longer I can continue your work…”
    “Listen, it was your choice, free will, remember? You wanted to be a player in the big picture instead of wallowing around in a Paradise, don’t start whining again because you keep making stupid choices.”
    “Ok, ok, it’s just that we’re losing our grip here and………..”
    “Listen Man, you’re breaking up, I got a pulsar ready to pop here and that’s just Andromeda. Orion needs a lot of work right now, Creation is still expanding and the growth is exponential. At least you twerps are finally starting to catch on to the fact that yes, you’re special, but no more important than anybody else. I appreciate the work you’re doing and the souls you send along to go to work on the main floor, but I honestly can’t do anymore out there on the loading dock. Get it? Got it? Good.”
    “Oh God….”

  3. Actually, I’ve read that Genesis passage many times, and I found that what Conservative Christians (who like to deny the climate is changing) say it says is not so. God didn’t promise never to destroy all humans again. He only promised he would never again do it by flood. All other options remain on the table. 🙂

  4. Ah some religious satire to start the day – my fave…..

    I will let Jaclyn Glenn fire up one of her most popular dissections of the illogic of the creation myth here. If you don’t know Jaclyn, she is one of the most prominent internet debaters for atheism, and if you think you might be an agnostic, you owe it to yourself to let her turn you inside out with her discussion of agnosticism v atheism. Anyhow, she is sharp, fast, articulate and compared to Christopher Hitchens…. well you can see she’s kinda cute too.

  5. In 2008, Russia sent ‘humanitarian aid’ in the form of ‘unarmed’ railway repairmen as ‘peacekeepers’ into Abkhazia – at that time part of Georgia…… guess what? The Red Army are still there.

    Fast forward – August 2014 – a convoy of 300 rapidly painted white trucks, not sanctioned by the ICRC, but waving Red Cross flags without permission anyway has left a military base near Moscow and is somewhere north of the Kharkov border crossing. The Ukrainians and ICRC say the convoy must cross at a point under Ukrainian control (i.e. Kharkov) and be subject to inspection and escort by the ICRC and Ukranian army on Ukrainian territory. There is some suspicion however that the convoy will instead try to cross in the east near Luhansk, the point where the Russians have been sending tanks artillery and, almost certainly now – Buk SAM systems, which were used to down the Malaysian plane. NATO and Ukraine have called any attempt to send the convoy in by that route, an ‘act of war’ by Russia (not like there haven’t been dozens of others). This all seems like a show for domestic Russian opinion…

        • so much bullshit going on there. nationally, it seems the police have adopted a swat team mentality above common sense and logic.

          our town of 40,000 has a duce-and-a-half armored, machinegun equipped “command” unit that gets called out for a kitten stuck in a tree…

          • Same thing around here, gotta keep the SWAT teams on their toes.
            (pet) Dogs are the major disasters, people take them fishing, they jump overboard, the Coast Guard sends helicopters… emotional reunions on the river banks…

            • It’s class B airspace and aircraft cannot enter without a clearance.
              The neighborhood is located near an arrival/departure corridor.
              If people are shooting at aircraft then they place a hard deck of “at or above 5000”
              Arrival clearances are vectored over and around the area.
              There is a major flow of commercial air traffic that goes into there.

            • I guess I’m kinda in the woods, so to speak.
              I’ll admit to my disjointed embellishment, search and rescue teams go in after dogs on the salmon rivers, the Coast Guard stays pretty busy with the beach hikers who get stranded at high tide and of course the charter boats sinking 20 miles out.

  6. As a counter to the societal slide into Creationism, I have as of this moment founded a new movement, Recreationism. After downloading and printing out the handy “fill in the blank” Doctorate of Whatever Floats Your Boat, I’m heading to the shore to do some serious proselytizing.

  7. I love it when I call my internet provider and tell them I’m canceling my service. They fall all over themselves to give me a better price.

    Saved $20+ per month — check
    Faster internet speed — check
    No contract — check
    Price good for 1 year — check

  8. QOTD:

    “Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.”

    Abraham Lincoln

    • LOL
      Very recently I made the comment to my employer that labor is her most valuable resource…
      (Jaw gape, stutter, fluster… “but there’s this, and that, and I’ve got etc, etc…)
      I didn’t say a word, just smiled.
      When there’s no one to make anything out of all that capital it just goes to rot.
      Modern day capitalism where people are making huge sums of money by speculating about making huge sums of money is a hollow shell. No tangible product, no goods, nothing anyone can physically benefit from… it’s empty.

      It astounds me that the primary focus of “start-ups” these days is for ‘apps’, More programs to tell you how to shop for groceries, get a boy/girl/whatever friend, go to sleep, wake up, know whether your heart is beating fast or slow, how far you’ve walked, how far you have to walk, feed your kids, remember you have kids, pet your dog, wash your dog, feed your dog…
      This is not going to end well…

      As I was standing in line last night at the gas station a young woman came in (obvious tourist type) acting panicky and asking if they had any cell phone chargers. The clerk said sorry, no; the woman looked desperately at the other people in line, when she looked at me I said with total deadpan: “The end of the world is coming.”
      There are good days, and there are great days, and I’ve had 2 now.

        • With no malice and little emotional charge, it’s perfectly natural to call people on their shit, or at least jolt them enough to think about things in a different way.
          Sharing a jest about foibles both theirs and ours and having a common laugh is the best.

    • It’s here now. We have sacrificed so much in a desperate search for safety. We’ve created a police force estranged from the people they were to serve. Ferguson illustrates the greater likelihood that young black men will be targeted by a public servant who thinks he operates in a war zone, but roughly the same thing happened in my town to a 54 year old white woman, shot five times as she attempted to flee after a policeman had shot her in the face for showing him her license through the window rather then rolling down her window and handing it to him. Her initial crime, loitering in a school parking lot. Either we demand police accountability or any one of us could be Michael Brown.

      • When we demand police accountability – the majority of ‘in depth reviews of the incident’ ultimately hold the police harmless.
        That seems to give the ‘peace officers’ permission to act outside the law.

        • That’s why we have to raise a fuss, like the majority peaceful protesters in Ferguson are doing. Had there been no fuss here, the policeman responsible would not currently be in jail. Accountability to me means that every jurisdiction needs a civilian review board.

          • That is true. Especially when ‘the man in charge’ states:

            STL County Police Chief Belmar: “We’ve done everything we can to demonstrate a remarkable amount of restraint.”

            And expects the public to buy his b.s.

    • nice.

      I got the feeling….looking at the brightened center of the Milky Way… that I was looking back to where I’d come from.

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