New study finds gun violence linked to broccoli.
In an article comming up in next month’s edition of Lancit, a highly respected, peer reviewed publication of medical research, two scientists claim they have found an irrefutable link between mass murderers and people who were forced to eat broccoli as children. Drs. O. Gobi and Juan K. N’Obi interviewed dozens of individuals currently incarcerated for killing more than 5 people and found the statistical correlation so strong as to suggest causation.
The study investigated all the food groups, and included so-called junk foods. “We really expected the results to implicate junk foods, sodas in particular, but found that green vegetables, and most notably broccoli, had the strongest correlation to gun violance.” Dr. Gobi sommented in a press release. Dr. N’Obi added, “What this means, of course, is that parents should think twice before forcing their children to eat broccolli. This may well save us from creating mass murders in the future.”
The NRA and BGA (Broccoli Growers of America) have joined forces to denounce the article, with an upcoming ad campaign featuring gun-toting children happily chowing down on broccoli. Rumors indicate the junk food industry is seizing on the study and plans to hit the airwaves with an ad campaign of its own: Parents, let your kids eat junk foods – at least they won’t become mass murders!
I’m going back to bed.
Do not disturb until after Christmas.