The Watering Hole, Saturday, February 28th, 2015: Geek Grins & Groaners

A friend ‘from at work’, as we say in our families, provided the topic for today’s thread – which was particularly nice and thoughtful of her, as she was home recovering from surgery. As she put it, “Thought you might find these entertaining. Or I just found them funnier then normal because they gave me the good drugs!”

So today we present: GEEK JOKES, or, more properly titled, “26 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Get.” Here’s a couple of my favorites:

HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?   A FISH.

and,

SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, SODIUM, BATMAN!

or how about,

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT ROOT BEER IN A SQUARE GLASS?   BEER.

Okay, so they’re mostly groaners, but I found them amusing. Enjoy!

This is our daily Open Thread. Go ahead and grin, groan, grimace, gripe, or, sadly, grieve.

Rest In Peace, Leonard Nimoy. Now that your soul has “slipped the surly bonds of Earth”, may it travel among the stars and galaxies unencumbered, your immortality ensured.

82 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Saturday, February 28th, 2015: Geek Grins & Groaners

  1. A Roman soldier walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.”
    The bartender says, “Don’t you mean a martini?”
    The Roman soldier says, “If I’d wanted a double I’d have asked for it.”

  2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

    This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
    The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
    The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
    The third logician says, “Yes!”

  4. If Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison were alive today, they’d be on the cover of an AC/DC album.

  5. In olden times an aboriginal chief had three wives. He gave each of them an animal hide on which to sit, to work, and to sleep. To his favorite wife he gave a special hide that he obtained from a sailor who had traveled the world: it was the hide of a hippopotamus. Over the years, each of the squaws bore him children. One had two sons, another had three sons, but his favorite squaw bore five sons and proved once again the theorem that reads:

    The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

    • Recently, a research institute on a remote tropical island began to study a pair of porpoises that inhabited the lagoon inside of the island’s barrier reef. As time passed, the institute’s studies revealed, through DNA samples and other physiological investigations that the porpoises were extremely old, much older than any other life form ever studied. Each research tier, in fact, suggested a far greater age the previous tier. “Immortality” was becoming a frequently uttered word.

      In order to maintain it’s privacy, the institute decided to protect its only land access, a lonely and rutted road. At it’s property margin and on the road, they placed a pair of very large, but peaceful and staid, lions in the hope that any potential intruder would be deterred.

      One day, however, a man and his companion — a young gorilla — managed to sneak past the lions. They were promptly arrested and charged because it was illegal, the Institute noted, for young gorillas to be taken across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

  6. One musician to another:

    Get off my Bach, I can’t Handel it anymore!

    Shuman, anything you say.

    (I have a Liszt of these)

    How do you tuna fish?
    First, you have to find the right scale.
    (But everyone knows they’re in sea).

    I was in a choir once and had a really high note to sing. I knew I was in treble.

    Old musicians never die, they just stop at every bar.

    • How sad. I sort of wish we could force people to integrate their churches, neighborhoods, and social groups. I should probably be a racist. I grew up in the capital of the confederacy in an all white country club sort of neighborhood surrounded by racists. While many factors contributed to my turning out differently from many of my peers, I think being forced to attend a majority black high school made the most difference.

      • I grew up in a small town in S. Minnesota, mostly first or second generation Swedes, Norwegians, and Germans. When I was in about 9th grade, a Hispanic family moved in and bought a small farm just outside of town, but they were the first “brown” people most locals had ever seen. They were accepted; there was zero hate or fear. I met my first black when I was a freshman in college — he was from Ghana, iirc, and a very good fellow. No one on the campus ever cared a whit about race or ethnicity — no fear, no hate. After two years there I transferred to ASU in Tempe where there were tons of races and ethnicities; no one I knew or met ever had a problem of any kind with any of them; there was no hate or fear. I didn’t run into hate and fear till I moved to St. Louis in the late sixties. People there were scared of black people, and that led to hate. For myself, one of the most interesting guys I had ever met was a black fellow from the city of St. Louis. I learned through him that the hate and fear there was largely baseless; he, in fact, eventually became the ‘model’ for Nick Dixon, one of the main characters in my book.

        There is, in short, absolutely no reason for hate and fear simply because of race or ethnicity. People who fall for that crap have shriveled souls.

  7. Now this is just too much truth in advertising. I just saw an ad from the Texas tourism council or whatever it’s called. Their slogan?

    “Texas. It’s like a whole other country.”

  8. In the 60s, some college kids from Berkeley started an integrated commune.

    It was black and white and red all over.

  9. Then there was the woodwind player who used a condom as a mouthpiece cover. She wanted to practice safe sax.

    • “We believe the Bible teaches that monogamous marriage between a man and a woman is God’s intended design for humanity and that sexual intimacy has its proper place only within the context of marriage.

      Brings up some questions: was god married to Mary when he nailed her that night? Did god violate his own “intended design for humanity” when he did that? Or maybe god lies sometimes? A lot? Oh, and if he hates homosexuals, why the hell did he create them? Does he need things to hate so as to keep himself occupied by making judgments?

      One last question: did he create Republicans because, like Obama, he really doesn’t love Amurka?

      So many questions, so little time. 12.8 billion years for the universe, and still no answers. Makes one wonder.

      • Ricky Gervais to God: so is Joseph in heaven too?

        Tweet of God: Yes of course he is

        RG: So the Mary thing – that was a bit awkward yes?

  10. Keeping with the Spock references, here’s a passionate defender of what he imagines “Star Trek” to be. But since it’s on The American Stinker, it’s more like, “Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, then bomb them till they accept democracy and Jesus.”

    http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2015/02/why_conservatives_will_miss_mr_spock.html

  11. From the same lunatic who brings you

    Maine Bill Would Allow Concealed Handguns Without Permits

    comes

    Just two days after a 75-vehicle pileup injured at least 17 people in the state, lawmakers in Maine are considering legislation that would allow adults to opt out of wearing seat belts.
    Sen. Eric Brakey told lawmakers on Friday that it’s too bad they’re considering his bill so close to Wednesday’s crash on Interstate 95, which is thought to be largest in Maine history but had no fatalities.

    Of course that is Brakey (R).

  12. This explains everything. Apparently, Bill0 and the rest of FAUX”News” don’t think there’s a difference between seeing a picture and being in a combat zone. One thing about right-wing authoritarians; they never, ever, admit they were wrong, much less lying, about anything and their moronic followers just buy it instead of acknowledging that they were wrong to believe them in the first place.

    All of this reminds me of the time I pried the nails out of Jesus’ hands and saved Him from a slow death. Then I gave Him a ride to Utah in my Iron Chariot. Nice fella. He was going to stick around the Great Salt Lake waiting for a guy named Joe Smith to show up. Jesus wanted to straighten him out about a few things. But He was kinda messed up due to the whole being nailed to a cross thing so He retired to a life of seclusion in a cave somewhere near Big Sur.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/bill-oreilly-ireland-bombings-photos

    • Or you could have Debbie Wasserman Schultz as Chair of the Democratic National Committee, and Steve Israel as head of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. Then you wind up with example 2, with all five districts going to the red candidates 4-3, with half the blue voters staying home.

    • That is just so damn cute – little kitty, fluffy dog!

      I laughed uproariously at this one:

  13. MeTV is having a Leonard Nimoy tribute. He’s in a Columbo that’s airing now. They couldn’t have a Black Sheep Squadron with him in it because he never played in one. Next is a Twilight Zone called A Quality Of Mercy, followed by a Man From Uncle called The Project Strigas Affair, with both Nimoy and Shatner.

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