The Watering Hole, Wednesday, March 32, 2015: WHAT DAY IS IT?

What day is it?

What day is it?

A little-noticed provision in last year’s military spending bill abolished April Fools Day. House staffers, usually with a wink and a nod, credit Rand Paul for the deed. Tired of being the brunt of April Fools jokes all his life, he saw an opportunity and seized upon it, slipping in language abolishing April 1 of each calendar year and adding an extra day to March. Starting in 2015, March will have 32 days, and April will start on April 2, 2015.

“I didn’t realize this when we voted on the bill,” Mitch McTurtle commented, “but I like it.” However, he and other Republicans who are secretly chortling over the fact that there is no April Fools Day this year may soon change their minds as fishermen across the country are outraged. Fishing season traditionally opens on April 1, and without April 1, the season will not open this year.

“That’s in the regs.” A Fish and Game lawyer explained. “April 1 marks the beginning of Fishing Season, not April 2, not March 32. Congress created this mess, and it’ll take an act of Congress to fix it.” On the other hand, basketball enthusiasts generally favor the idea, as it adds an extra day for March Madness.

Meanwhile, bait shops across the country are up to their eyeballs in crickets and worms they cannot sell. “This is a huge blow.” drawled one shop owner as he spit out a chaw of tobacco. “How am I gonna stay in business if no one can go fishing?” When told his Representative voted for the bill, the shop owner started whistling “Dixie” as he pulled down the blinds and started cleaning his shotgun.


39 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Wednesday, March 32, 2015: WHAT DAY IS IT?

  1. There’s already a thread at DU about how Hillary has announced she’s not running for President.

    This may be a long day.

  2. Yesterday I read that Carly Fiorina is apparently planning a presidential run.

    She told Fox News Sunday this weekend that there is a “higher than 90 percent” chance that she would throw her hat into the ring, noting that Hillary Clinton would “get a hitch in her swing” if she faced a female opponent.

    Unlike Clinton, whom she claims “lacks a track record of accomplishment,” Fiorina insists that she knows “what leadership means” as a result of her experience in business.

    Given Fiorina’s record as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, a once successful, innovative and prosperous company which nearly collapsed under her “leadership,” she would indeed be the ideal Republican candidate since the fate of HP defines with uncanny precision what is clearly the GOP’s goal for Amurka.

    War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God’s way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.

    • Barbara Kingsolver quite effectively summed up the satisfaction some (GOoPers, prolly) feel when they acknowledge that God so clearly determines outcomes that are so CLEANSING! to the soul. Her word, a definitive palindrome — AMENENEMA — pretty much sums the fervor behind each and all of the current Republican ‘movements.’ Sotospeak.

      • I know that cognitive dissonance is less of a problem to the Conservative mind, but I don’t get this thing about God determining outcomes. Of anything. Especially a sporting event. Where does this “free will” they tell me he gave us come in to this?

        If God gave us free will, then why is he determining the outcome of events? Either we choose what we do and let the chips fall where they may, or God decides everything and none of us is responsible for our actions. Which is it?

        • The clearest and most obvious answer to that is also the simplest and most accurate: God was created by humans and is therefore — no matter its name, no matter its manifestation — completely screwed up.

          • S’right – He has all the failings and metal deficiencies of the worst of us – Old Testament God was a real sociopathic, psychopathic, genocidal bastard, not sure why JC thought he could rehabilitate that Guy.

        • NFC Championship game – WIlson throws a pass in the last seconds – caught in the endzone! “God was with me” – says WIlson

          fast forward 2 weeks:

          Superbowl – Wilson throws a pass in the last seconds – caught in the endzone – by the oppos Cornerback! “Fookin’ worst call in the history of the game!” …. er

  4. Something you don’t wanna hear on April Fools’ Day:

    The West says it has ‘reached a broad understanding’ with Iran over its nuke program

    • Another QOTD:

      Nina Burleigh National Politics Correspondent, Newsweek on Lawrence O’Donnell when asked about the RFRA:
      “What I find astonishing about it is the way that the presidential candidates jumped onto the Pence side immediately. Jindal, Carson, Cruz, and Bush, the front runner
      It was like a premature intolerance ejaculation. And, y’know, there are pills for that at WalMart. You can get them over the counter, and you don’t have to have a prescription.”

    • “Poor George, born on third base and thought he’d hit a triple” – oh no that’s Molly Ivins another Texas firecracker.

    • I would guess that right about now they’re probably thinking they should have kept their stupid mouths shut.

      Or, more likely, are boo-hooing about how mean everyone with a brain is to them.

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