Remember, remember, the fifth of November….
Anonymous announced it would release the names of thousands of members of the KKK. But some anonymous person beat them to it, releasing thousands of names a few days ago. But they weren’t Anonymous’ names, and, in all likelihood, they weren’t members of the KKK either. True to their adopted avatar, Anonymous chose the 5th of November to, in all likelihood, destroy more than a few political careers. Bear in mind, however, that membership in the KKK might actually raise the polling numbers of some elected officials.
Next, The Zoo has another exclusive. Notice how relaxed President Obama is, now that campaign season is in full swing and the Republican Party is showing cannibalistic tendencies? Well, we at The Zoo recently uncovered his plans for his last few days in office.
Traditionally, outgoing Presidents use their pardon authority to pay back political favors by releasing certain people from prison. President Obama will be no exception. According to carefully reconstructed papers from the White House Shredder, Obama will issue pardons to everyone of African American descent, and restore full voting rights, as well as the right to bear arms. This move will likely bankrupt for-profit prisons, who rely on large numbers of African Americans convicted of non violent crimes to manufacture their goods at slave wages. Yes, literally slave wages.
Obama’s DoJ is planning to raid polling places the eve of the 2016 presidential election and confiscate all electronic voting machines. This will force precincts all across the nation to switch to paper ballots at the last minute.
And finally, Republicans have settled on a format for their next debate. In an effort to appease the voters in Iowa, the next debate will be held in a pig pen and the candidates, dressed in their skivvies, will wrestle each other until there is only one left standing. Advance tickets to the event are already sold out.