The Watering Hole, Monday, February 15th, 2016: “It’s In Revelations (sic), People!”

While I was trying to research more on the recent story accusing several Republicans of directly trying to convince Iran to hold off releasing American hostages until our Presidential election is over – and I DO hope that we learn more about who these (R) bastards are – I ran into the following article, and just had to go for the ludicrously funny instead.

When I googled info on the Iran story, I was rather surprised to find that two of the three most recent articles about it were from “Christian” sites: the Christian Times, and the Christian Post. Of course, it was when I got to the Christian Post that I got distracted by what I am presenting today. I’m not sure what writing style author David is attempting to use, but I’m thinking it could be tongue-in-cheek/snark? Maybe you can tell.

Also, keep in mind that I do not remember being taught anything about the Book of Revelation in all my thirteen years of Catholic schooling. While that doesn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t taught something, simply that I do not remember – which, in high school, could have been understandable (if you catch my drift.)

“10 Things You Gotta Know About Revelation”

“You gotta know these 10 things about Revelation. You just gotta!

1. It’s the book of Revelation not Revelations.

Don’t say “I iz reading Revelations whilst Ma is cooks up some possum pie. It’s pertnear my favrit book. I think I’ll go read it by the cement pond.” That sounds ignorant all because you made Revelation plural. Don’t be ignorant!”

And that’s just for openers. I seriously wonder at what target audience this is being aimed. Ruzicka continues:

“It’s also not the Revelation of John. It’s the Revelation of Jesus Christ.”

This line is, confusingly, set next to a photo of a book opened to a page titled “The Revelation of St.John the Divine.”

2. John is the writer of Revelation and a MUCH bigger deal than you. Or me.

John had left the fishing business to follow Jesus. He followed Jesus for three years of ministry. He saw people raised from the dead, and saw Jesus walk on the water. John was at the last supper, there when Jesus was arrested, there as Jesus died on the cross — in fact the ONLY disciple there — all the others fled. Jesus told John to take care of Mary (Jesus’ mother). He was there at the empty tomb; he was among the first to believe. Nobody has lived a life like John lived.

So, John was a roadie?

3. He was known as the “beloved disciple” or “the disciple whom Jesus loved (John 21:20).”

It would not be an overstatement to say that John considered Jesus to be his “best friend.”

Is the author trying to hint at something here?

4. John wrote John, 1st, 2nd and 3rd John.

Well, jeez, I should hope he didn’t have a ghostwriter.

5. John is about 100 years old.

In god dog years?

6. John is banished on an island for criminals — Isle of Patmos — by the Emperor Domitian.

Why? Because he wouldn’t shut up about Jesus. This is where he writes Revelation.

Hmmm…he writes Revelation while on an island for criminals. Must’ve been inspired?

7. John survived martyrdom.

He was boiled in a huge basin of oil during a wave of persecution in Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered from death. The apostle John was later freed and returned to what is now modern-day Turkey. He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully.

WTF? Did his miraculous delivery from death heal the boiling-oil scars? Seriously, how does one manage to be almost boiled to death in oil and not incur even second-degree burns over a large part of his body? Burns which would – in those times – likely become festering infected sores that would possibly be fatal?

8. He pastors the seven churches he’s writing to in Revelation 1.

Ooo-kay, so John was a multi-tasker, fine, this is important how?

9. John didn’t fail.

100 years old, boiled in oil, banished to an island for criminals, still a faithful witness for King Jesus, his best friend. John lived a life far beyond anything we can imagine. For all the base jumping, cliff diving, ice climbing and BMXing out there — it’s nothing compared to the life John lived.

Seriously, dude? Dismissing the crappy examples of, I’m guessing, youthful adventure like ‘cliff diving’ and ‘BMXing’, there are plenty of people who have led long, interesting, worthwhile humanitarian lives without all of the torture or all the Jesus.

10. You’ll never find out when it all ends by studying numerology or Bible codes or counting cards in Vegas (just in case you were wondering).

And that’s not the point of the book. Jesus says Himself that no one but the Father knows (Matthew 24:36). [Which, as you know, is one of Wayne’s pet peeves, since so many charlatans are raking in the $ predicting the End Times ETA.]

The point of the book is to encourage persecuted believers, that in spite of any emperor’s hatred and even murder of Christians, King Jesus wins in the end. The Christian life is not trial free, but trial proof, not persecution free, but persecution proof, not tribulation free, but tribulation proof.

This is somehow supposed to sound attractive, or hopeful, or what? And somehow this version of the Book of Revelation that Ruvick CliffNotes does not sound like the strange, Heironomous Bosch

The point of the book is this: King Jesus gets the last word, He wins in the end, and so take heart! He will draw all of His to Himself to live with Him forever. Amen.

“I am the Alpha and the Omega — the beginning and the end,” says the Lord God. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come — the Almighty One.”
Revelation 1:8 (NLT)

Somehow none of this is inspiring me to “take heart.”

This is our daily Open Thread – talk amongst yourselves.

33 thoughts on “The Watering Hole, Monday, February 15th, 2016: “It’s In Revelations (sic), People!”

  1. My unrelenting question in re the bible — each testament — is a simple one: who got the idea on the front end and wrote the opening lines/chapter(s)/book(s)?? I’ve long heard it was a fellow named Moses who first got the ball rolling in the OT and later got help from a bunch of others (Solomon my personal fave). But as for the New T., who started that? Did someone invent J.C. or was he a real character? Who came up with that “son of god” concept? J.C. himself (if he ever even happened), or maybe one of those other (presumed) writers, like Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul . . . etc., the list is longer than I ever cared to try remember).

    I will have to admit my personal impression of the best interp. of the JC era was ‘The Life of Bryan’ and stuff like ‘Blessed are the Cheesemakers.’ I do remain slightly curious, though (well not really even ‘slightly’ — maybe a tee-tiny bit), mainly because of the global tyranny the book inspired/inspires, and the ignorance its fundamental thesis demands and has demanded since its inception, whenever that was (see Ken Ham for a pretty good current example, speaking of ignorant theses).

    Also, would be curious to hear of some widespread ‘good’ thing(s) that may have been inspired over the centuries by said book (as opposed to, say, crusades, inquisitions, crucifixions, wars, death camps, etc. etc.)

    I decided some sixty years ago not to hold my breath in anticipation, however, a move I can this day say was both bold and brave in that it postponed my own end time by some sixty years. So far.

  2. Jesus Christ.
    Launching countless wars, justifying barbaric atrocities and setting back scientific advancement and critical thinking for over two thousand years

    • Not sure I blame him ….. it’s the fookberks who have the conceit to speak in his name – starting from St Paul the Mysogynist onwards

      • There are rumors ‘out there’ that Paul was gay. Any truth in that? Frankly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn the lot of ‘them’ were . . . it’d be kinda fun to watch the fallout of the appropriate “Revelation” on today’s Christianistas, actually. 🙂

        • I suppose hat is possible, I don’t have anything to go on but a little knowledge of his writings…. for me Paul helped Judaism ‘jump-the-shark’ in the same way Joseph Smith’s snake oil helped Christianity ‘jump the shark’ – seeing how fake modern cults like Mor(m)onism get founded allows us to shine the light with equal skepticism on the ‘older religions’

  3. Score!!! I just found an old box I had stashed away. Said box contains pithy sayings, both mine and others’, that I was collecting during one of my writing phases. I will be passing them along as I go through them and think i will start with this one.

    A specialist is someone who learns more and more about less and less until they end up knowing just about everything about just about nothing.

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