I know how to make it happen!
President Obama is being raked over the Republican coals yet one more time, and all because he has once again suggested that the Guantanamo Detention Center (or whatever the hell it’s called) be permanently and forever closed, that the prisoners held there be (finally) treated as if law, and fair trial, and innocence, and guilt each and all mean something in this country. Republicans, of course, have freaked out over the concept — “We’ll all be dead!!!” they scream. “Terrorists! Muslims! Oh Ick!! Leave ’em there!!”
I have a better idea.
I heard on the news somewhere that it costs us about $5 million per terrorist per year to keep those nasty bums incarcerated down there in Guantanamo. And since Republicans want to keep Guantanamo open for the foreseeable future, we can count on that expense to continue — for the foreseeable. So in view of that, I offer my suggestions — solutions! — to the Guantanamo mess; SOLUTIONS to those who would benefit most, i.e. to Congressional Republicans along with Republican Presidential candidates everywhere.
My proposed five-step procedure is a simple one:
- Set up an (offshore/tax free) account for each of the incarcerees in the amount of $5 million U.S., and guarantee an additional annual (tax free) deposit of $5 million per year for each of them, for the foreseeable.
- Via official paperwork, grant each and every incarceree an American name, full identity papers, and full citizenship (including, of course the right to keep and bear arms) with but one proviso: no passport can be issued for the foreseeable; i.e. each incarceree must agree to live the rest of his life as if he was born a rich Republican, and he must do so with nary a complaint about anything, EVER!
- Set up each incarceree (and his family, if he so desires) in a beach-front home/property anywhere along the Atlantic coast (south of the Mason-Dixon line) or anywhere along the Gulf of Mexico coast from S. Florida to S. Texas, each property to be fully paid for with funds that would otherwise be wasted on toilet seats by the Defense Department.
- Allow each incarceree (and all of his age-eligible family members) to register to vote in whichever state they choose to live, with but one proviso: each and all MUST swear to ALWAYS vote Republican in EVERY election, ando NEVER for a Democrat or an Independent, upon guarantee of torture via waterboarding or whatever method is in vogue at the time of any such treasonous indiscretion.
- Allow Republicans to proclaim and insist full credit for having solved the Guantanamo issue by ignoring Obama’s ridiculous and anti-American proposals of allowing the law and the Constitution to waste even more money on trials; by strengthening America all-the-while increasing the number of Republican-voting devotees in the process.
It’s so simple!!!
I do hereby offer the above details of this full procedure proposal to the RNC, to the respective Senate and House majorities, and to any/all of their current (or future?) Presidential candidates, and all with NO CHARGE! today or forever! My gift to a free, and prosperous, and TOLERANT! America! So Reince! Mitch! Paul! Donald! Anyone! It’s right here, and it’s for YOU and for the 91! FREEDOM!
What could possibly go wrong?