Pregnancies lasting longer as babies refuse to leave the womb

The average length of a pregnancy in the United States has seen a marked increase in the last two years, up from 40 weeks to 42 1/2 weeks. Health officials are at a loss to explain the trend, but Heimlich Schachzug, a heretofore unknown child psychologist, has developed a novel theory.

“Zees people are afraid to leaf der vomb” Dr. Schachzug stated in a recent lecture at the U.S. Conference of Ob/Gyns. “Unt zay haf every reason to be afraid.” The child psychologist went on to explain his theory. People, and unborn people are people, know that as long as they are in the womb, the current Administration will care for them and protect them. But once they are out, they are on their own. Lack of healthcare and “food insecurity” are the two most prevalent reasons people give for refusing to leave the womb.

The trend to remain in the womb is growing at an alarming rate. Dr. Schachzug predicts that by the end of Trump’s first term in office, average gestation times will approach 50 weeks. Other countries, however, do not seem to be experiencing this phenomena.

Preliminary findings in a cross-sectional study suggest a high correlation between pregnant women who watch Fox News and increased gestational times. “Apparently,” Dr. Schachzug concluded, “Fox News scares the sheisse out of zeese people. It is no vunder zay refuse to leaf der vomb.”

28 thoughts on “Pregnancies lasting longer as babies refuse to leave the womb

  1. Didn’t Chambliss introduce a bill to count sperm and eggs as 1/2 person each in the 2020 census? The whole idea was to give Alabama a huge number of new Representatives in the House. It was scuttled after they figured out minorities would gain a disproportionate share of the new representation.

    /snark

  2. Eggs to be legally reclassified as chicken in Alabama restaurants

    Eggs are to be legally reclassified as chicken in all Alabama restaurants, cafés, eateries and slophouses from now on, it’s emerged.
    The decision was made after a group of pro-animal life activists put pressure on the state government.

    ‘The moment an egg passes through a hen’s vagina, it becomes a chicken. To treat them any differently would be cruel and should be punished by God,’ said Billie Jean Bob Cooter.

    The move is expected to cause mass confusion at eateries. Customers who ask for chicken could get either the traditional interpretation of chicken or the new classification.

    ‘Customers will not be allowed to differentiate between the two. That would be bigoted and wrong,’ said Senator Bob Billy Jean Cooter.

    As a result of the government ruling, scrambled chicken will be right off the menu.

    • Scrambled chicken; chicken over easy; chicken, sunny side up; chicken benedict…

      Then there’s recipes calling for beating chicken-whites.

      And adding two chickens to your cake mix…..

      ON a different note:

      Costco’s rotisserie chicken will take on a whole new look…..

  3. The “every life is precious” is merely a feel-good line to prop up the support of the evangelical christian cult. First, they define “life” as beginning at the moment of conception. But, Chambliss, responding to the IVF argument from Smitherman, cites a part of the bill that says it applies to a pregnant woman. “The egg in the lab doesn’t apply. It’s not in a woman. She’s not pregnant.”

    Let that sink in. Given their definition of “life”, mass murder committed by IVF labs on a scale amounting to genocide, is not a crime! How is it not a crime!

    Notice Chambliss’ use of language, “the egg in the lab” not “the person”, not “the baby”. The egg.

    Every life, by the way they define life, is not precious to them. Only those ‘lives’ they can use to demonize and control women are precious to them.

  4. Promo for The Secret Life of Pets II, one says ‘that baker lady is on TV again’ and the cat says ‘She’s not a baker lady, she wears that apron to sell insurance, nobody knows why!’ 😀

  5. Doesn’t the Navy have a garbage scow or bilge pumper they could name after Trump, so he wouldn’t feel so bad that John McCain has a ship named after him?

    • That is sad news. I only remember Sabyen91 from here, but I still see a few people from the old Think Progress scattered around.

      Raw Story is having formatting problems? Maybe too many clickbait sites and dancing wigglies taking up people’s data and resources are making it hard to display properly on people’s devices. I have an Android tablet that I play with while the machine runs at work, and TPM looks like a disaster. I can hardly tolerate RS, TPM, and C&L when I’m on it, and they used to be regular stops. Democratic Underground has become my default place to see what’s happening, because somebody always notices and posts about stuff. I don’t really know anybody there, I just get the news and occasionally make a comment

      • Yeah, when we first moved here, obviously we invited other regulars to come along. Sabyen did comment here for a while, then disappeared.

        I used to see Hoodathunk a lot at Raw Story, but he seems to have moved on from there when the pop-up ads started getting worse. I occasionally still see “Barfly”, who goes by the name Dan Lee Uhl, at RS as well.

        Raw Story changed their format a few days ago, and half the time one can’t even open the comments. The fact that they want us to pay $10/month for ad-free RS and AlterNet, while still producing badly-written articles, just sticks in my craw. Plus Microsoft Edge CONSTANTLY takes over when I’m at RS and tells me it’s an unsafe site–drives me batshit!

  6. Referring to the White Tie Tux debacle:
    Sneederbunk (4,770 posts) Sat Jun 8, 2019, 05:53 PM
    5. Lady Melania and Lord Stuffing of Stove Top

  7. From a story at Crooks and Liars:

    Rep. Norma Torres is TIRED. As are we all, Congresswoman.

    Today she took to the floor of the House to express exactly how tired she was, and why.

    REP. TORRES: Mr. Speaker. It is tiring to hear from so many sex-starved males ON THIS FLOOR talk about a woman’s right to choose. Mr. Speaker…

  8. From Politico:
    The Pew Research Center reported Wednesday that the response rate for its phone polls last year fell to just 6 percent — meaning pollsters could only complete interviews with 6 percent of the households in their samples. It continues the long-term decline in response rates, which had leveled off earlier this decade

    So, using phone polls is getting riskier as few are willing to answer any call from a number they don’t know. I know I won’t. I don’t even have voicemail set up. I vet the number online, and delete it if I don’t want to contact them.

  9. If your track record of your campaign paying municipalities for extra security at your rallies is as bad as Trump’s, why would any town grant them a permit to hold a rally?

  10. First debate schedules are out:

    Night One: June 26
    Cory Booker, senator from New Jersey

    Julián Castro, former housing secretary

    Bill de Blasio, mayor of New York

    John Delaney, former representative from Maryland

    Tulsi Gabbard, representative from Hawaii

    Jay Inslee, governor of Washington

    Amy Klobuchar, senator from Minnesota

    Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas

    Tim Ryan, representative from Ohio

    Elizabeth Warren, senator from Massachusetts

    Night Two: June 27
    Michael Bennet, senator from Colorado

    Joseph R. Biden Jr., former vice president

    Pete Buttigieg, mayor of South Bend, Ind.

    Kirsten Gillibrand, senator from New York

    Kamala Harris, senator from California

    John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado

    Bernie Sanders, senator from Vermont

    Eric Swalwell, representative from California

    Marianne Williamson, self-help author

    Andrew Yang, former tech executive

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