Texas Governor Promises Safe Schools

In the wake of yet another massacre of young children in their classrooms, Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) proposed a sweeping reform to guarantee school safety. Noting that murderers are safer in prison than children in school, the governor proposes a massive swap.

By the start of the 2022-2023 school year, all children who attend public school and all people in prison will trade places. “That way,” the governor explained, “no one will care if there’s a mass shooting at a school site. Our children will be safely locked away in a maximum security fortress where they can learn about the history of the Second Amendment in an environment free from worry about outside attacks.”

The GOP controlled legislature initially signaled its approval, but then squabbles erupted over the fact that each “classroom” had only one toilet. A committee was proposed to study the bathroom issue and submit a report by the end of June.

The Texas Prison authority had no comment, but a prisoner’s rights group immediately complained – about meals. “Anyone who’s ever had a school lunch knows,” a spokesperson said, “it’s inedible. To force prisoners to eat school cafeteria food morning, noon, and night is cruel and unusual punishment and violates the Eighth Amendment.”