In the wake of multiple mass shootings several unidentified Republican members of Congress are meeting in an undisclosed bunker to craft a solution to stop the carnage in America’s streets, schools, cemeteries, homes, houses of worship, and places of employment. According to a leaked version of their proposal, Republicans are crafting a $2 billion bill to arm every American citizen over the age of 18 with an AR-15 and 1000 rounds of ammunition of their very own.
The draft recognizes that currently only deranged, mentally ill people are arming themselves to the teeth with assault rifles and committing mass murders. By arming everyone, Republicans figure to even the equation by providing lethal firepower to all “responsible” citizens. The group acknowledges that Congress is unable to pass any law restricting gun ownership and thus the only solution is to allow citizens to take the law into their own hands.
The enclave hopes to push the bill through this winter’s lame-duck session of Congress in time to ship assault rifles to every household for Christmas.