The average length of a pregnancy in the United States has seen a marked increase in the last two years, up from 40 weeks to 42 1/2 weeks. Health officials are at a loss to explain the trend, but Heimlich Schachzug, a heretofore unknown child psychologist, has developed a novel theory.
“Zees people are afraid to leaf der vomb” Dr. Schachzug stated in a recent lecture at the U.S. Conference of Ob/Gyns. “Unt zay haf every reason to be afraid.” The child psychologist went on to explain his theory. People, and unborn people are people, know that as long as they are in the womb, the current Administration will care for them and protect them. But once they are out, they are on their own. Lack of healthcare and “food insecurity” are the two most prevalent reasons people give for refusing to leave the womb.
The trend to remain in the womb is growing at an alarming rate. Dr. Schachzug predicts that by the end of Trump’s first term in office, average gestation times will approach 50 weeks. Other countries, however, do not seem to be experiencing this phenomena.
Preliminary findings in a cross-sectional study suggest a high correlation between pregnant women who watch Fox News and increased gestational times. “Apparently,” Dr. Schachzug concluded, “Fox News scares the sheisse out of zeese people. It is no vunder zay refuse to leaf der vomb.”
Trump went on a now-deleted Twitter rampage after learning the newest Royal Baby wasn’t named after him.
He tweeted an executive order decreeing that “From now on, all boys born in this GREAT CONTRY will be named Donald. Like me. Its a GREAT name.Girls can be named Donna, after me, but it wnt be as great bc their grlz.”
Mexico detains Americans at border crossings and other points of entry – separates children from parents.
Citing a massive influx Americans fleeing the U.S. the Mexican government instituted a policy similar to that of the United States. American citizens, claiming they are “tourists” are being detained at the border and housed in tent cities. Their children are separated from their parents and kept in “tender care” campos. Thus far there are no plans to keep track of which children are taken from which parents.
The Mexican government has issued assurances that they will give the same standard of care to these border crossers that the United States has given to individuals and families crossing from Mexico into the United States.
Young adults flying into ports of entry claiming they are on “Spring Break” are housed in youth lock-down facilities until their status can be ascertained, which could, according to government officials, take several months. “These young Americans bring in a tremendous amount of lawlessness, ranging from public drunkenness to debauchery. This must be stopped before they corrupt the youth of Mexico.” an unnamed public official said, off the record.
Trump responded in a late night tweet, threatening to increase tariffs on tourism to Mexico and institute a special duty on imports of Mexican covfefe.
OBAMACARE TO BE REPLACED BY “THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.”
As the case of Obamacare winds its way through the federal courts, the Trump Justice Department has raised a new argument in its bid to have Obama’s signature healthcare declared unconstitutional. Trump’s DOJ argues that the entire healthcare law, now stripped of its “individual mandate” should be declared unconstitutional because it infringes on peoples’ deeply held religious beliefs.
Health care, they argue, is a secular system and relies upon faith in man’s knowledge instead of God’s love. Stripping millions of people from the secular health care system will force them to turn to God for healing. This, in turn, is keeping with the founding father’s intent that ours is a Christian Nation.
Vice President Pence is said to be closely monitoring this case as it goes before the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. The case, Texas v. Azar, is expected to go to the Supreme Court where Justice Kavanaugh is expected to be the one writing the majority opinion upholding the lower court’s ruling that all of Obamacare is unconstitutional and replacing Obamacare with “Thoughts and Prayer Care.”
BREAKING GNUS: TRUMP TO DECLARE NATIONAL EMERGENCY TO RESTRICT FLOW OF MELANIN TO THE UNITED STATES.
Unnamed sources within the Deep State released a bombshell that has thus far gone unnoticed by the mainstream media. Trump intends to declare a national emergency and impose severe restrictions on the flow of melanin into the United States.
“The United States is being overrun by melanin.” Trump is supposed to have declared behind closed doors. “Our current laws are inadequate to keep melanin from crossing our borders. People who bring in melanin also bring in violence, disease, and disorder. They are trying to destroy the very fabric of the American People.” Trump posted, in a now-deleted tweet.
Orders under Trump’s Melanin Emergency include barring entry at the border to individuals with excess melanin. However, this won’t apply to people with commercially enhanced melanin. Trump’s executive order will, however, impose a tax on tanning salons, lotions & creams. “The only way to regulate melanin is to tax it.” Trump is reportedly have to had said. “By taxing melanin, we can make sure only the right people have access to it.”
Trump’s emergency declaration and executive orders are planned to be the springboard for his re-election bid to “Make America White Again.”