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The Watering Hole, Wednesday, April 15, 2015: What Next?

Assume, for sake of argument, the ruling class, the super wealthy, get everything they want. And it’s a long list, and they’ve already accomplished some of these things:

The ability to pass down their wealth, tax free, in perpetuity;
A zero tax rate, with tax subsidies to their businesses;
No minimum wage;
No child labor laws;
No unions;
No workplace safety laws;
No environmental protections;
Privatize everything the government does;
Private ownership of all land;
No anti-trust laws – no regulations of any kind on businesses;
No ObamaCare, Welfare, Social Security, Unemployment Insurance or Disability Insurance; etc.

What would they want next?

Open Thread

The Dry Hole, Wednesday, April 8, 2015

California is on its way to become another dust bowl. Some estimates predict the State has one more year of water left.

One year. That’s counting the reservoirs and groundwater.

As a result, the State is enacting some pretty tight restrictions on water use, for human consumption. People, who use about 10% of the State’s annual consumption of water, will be asked to cut back on watering their yards to two days a week.

Agriculture, on the other hand, won’t face any restrictions. As a result, some farmers are continuing to plant new orchards.

Fracking will go on, as usual, consuming millions of gallons of potable water, and polluting countless millions of gallons more with toxic wastes filtering into the groundwater supply.

One central valley city has taken a unique approach to saving water. Fresno converted all of its firefighting equipment from pumping water to blasting dirt. The fire hoses now blast out a steady stream of dirt, much like a sandblaster, to put out flames.

The town set up a dredging operation in the Fresno riverbed, which has been dry for years. Sand and dirt is then loaded into dump trucks that follow the fire trucks to the scene of a fire. A typical residential fire can be extinguished with about a half a dump truck load. After the fire is put out, a clean-up crew sweeps up the dirt and sand, which is then strained to remove any coals, ash or other impurities and reloaded into the dump truck. The city estimates about 80% of the dirt and sand will be recovered in this manner.

While city officials are congratulating themselves at this innovative way to save water, residents are not so pleased. Every time there’s a fire, long lines form at the car washes, to wash the falling dust off all the cars that happened to be downwind of the blaze.

In other news, Rand Paul announced his candidacy for the President of the United States. His former High School immediately edited its online version of Rand’s Senior Yearbook, dubbing him “Least Likely to Succeed.”

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The Watering Hole, Wednesday, March 32, 2015: WHAT DAY IS IT?

What day is it?

What day is it?

A little-noticed provision in last year’s military spending bill abolished April Fools Day. House staffers, usually with a wink and a nod, credit Rand Paul for the deed. Tired of being the brunt of April Fools jokes all his life, he saw an opportunity and seized upon it, slipping in language abolishing April 1 of each calendar year and adding an extra day to March. Starting in 2015, March will have 32 days, and April will start on April 2, 2015.

“I didn’t realize this when we voted on the bill,” Mitch McTurtle commented, “but I like it.” However, he and other Republicans who are secretly chortling over the fact that there is no April Fools Day this year may soon change their minds as fishermen across the country are outraged. Fishing season traditionally opens on April 1, and without April 1, the season will not open this year.

“That’s in the regs.” A Fish and Game lawyer explained. “April 1 marks the beginning of Fishing Season, not April 2, not March 32. Congress created this mess, and it’ll take an act of Congress to fix it.” On the other hand, basketball enthusiasts generally favor the idea, as it adds an extra day for March Madness.

Meanwhile, bait shops across the country are up to their eyeballs in crickets and worms they cannot sell. “This is a huge blow.” drawled one shop owner as he spit out a chaw of tobacco. “How am I gonna stay in business if no one can go fishing?” When told his Representative voted for the bill, the shop owner started whistling “Dixie” as he pulled down the blinds and started cleaning his shotgun.

OPEN THREAD

Wednesday, March 25, 2015: And they’re off and running….

Ted Cruz, the Cuban-Canadian socialist-Marxist libertarian from Texas has thrown his hat into the presidential race. With his hair, he should put it back on. Same goes for Trump.

But in bigger news, Hobby Lobby, the for-profit conservative Christian corporation, will be announcing its bid on Palm Sunday. “Like the Savior, riding in on a donkey, Hobby Lobby will lead the way to peace, salvation and craft goods from China” reads one draft of their impending announcement. Hobby Lobby won the corporate right to discriminate based on religion, and intends to expand that right to all government services.

Exxon-Mobile is said to be mulling over the idea of running, as is Monsanto, who, for the last decade has been secretly trying to clone Ronald Reagan.

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The Watering Hole, 3/18/15: Republicans write second letter to Iran

We here at The Zoo intercepted confidential emails from certain Republican Senator’s private email accounts that appear to be circulating a draft of a second letter to Iran:

An Open Letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Given the response to our letter a week ago, We True Patriots and Members of the Senate of the United States of America, feel it necessary to clarify a few points that the global media has taken out of context.

First, while the Senate does not “ratify” a treaty, our Constitution gives the Senate the power to scuttle any deal made between the President and any foreign nation. That’s because it takes a two thirds vote of the Senate to concur for any treaty to take effect. As to this, our track record is clear. There is no way Obama is going to get a two thirds vote from this Senate for any treaty he negotiates.

So you can forget about getting a Treaty with the United States. The best you can hope for is a deal and a handshake from Obama. And we can assure you that we will do everything we can to defund any implementation of that deal from our side.

So you need to forget about trying to negotiate with Obama. We invite you to come and address a joint session of Congress. We will give you an international forum to tell the world what a terrible job Obama is doing and how his attempts at achieving peace in the Middle East are doomed to fail.

We Republican Senators hold the ultimate power in this Constitutional Republic. Only by negotiating directly with us will you stand a chance of not getting nuked as soon as we get a Republican President.

Again, we hope this clarifies your understanding of our Constitutional system of government where the Senate has the ultimate power to reign in an uppity President, especially when it comes to negotiating with radical Islamists such as yourselves.

Sincerely,

Tom Cotton & a whole bunch of other Senators who refuse to negotiate with Obama and other Islamic terrorists.

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OPEN THREAD
(OPEN MOUTH – INSERT FOOT)

Wednesday, March 11, 2015: Hump Day!

Breaking Gnus

Breaking Gnus

BOEHNER SEEKS ARREST WARRANT FOR HILLARY CLINTON

Court records from the Southern Texas Federal District Court indicate that John Boehner is seeking an arrest warrant for the arrest of Hillary Clinton for violating a law that will be enacted as soon as a Republican President is elected. A copy of the future law was attached to the application for the arrest warrant.

The law will make it a federal offence to be a Registered Democrat, punishable by the loss of the right to vote, the right to run for public office, and the right to a fair trial. The law that will be enacted on January 20, 2017, within hours of the swearing in of a Republican President, will be retroactive to January 1, 2015, the date Republicans gained control of the Senate following the disastrously low turnout in the 2014 elections that sealed the fate of the Democratic Party.

So far, the District Court Judge has yet to make a ruling on Boehner’s request for Hillary’s arrest, expressing reservations of acting on the retroactive application of a prospective law.

The Boehner camp is already gearing up, however, for an all-out press-release barrage accusing Hillary of breaking a federal law. Indications point to comparing this new revelation about Hillary with the news about her breaking email laws that had not yet been enacted and her role in Benghazi.

OPEN THREAD
UNLESS, OF COURSE, REPUBLICANS WILL, IN THE FUTURE,
RETROACTIVELY BAN FREE SPEACH

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, 3/4/15: War of Words

Yesterday saw Boehner playing presidential vis-a-vis Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, at Boehner’s invitation. You see, the Constitution, ya know, that document that conservatives love to waive around when it comes to original intent and proving we’re a Christian Nation, says that the President has the power to make treaties, not the Speaker of the House.

The Executive Branch, not Congress, takes the lead on foreign relations. Netanyahu just gave the Jewish stamp of approval to Congress going behind the President’s back. The phrase “be careful of what you wish for” comes to mind.

For Article Two of the Constitution also gives the President the power to convene both Houses of Congress, or either of them. It’s high time the President exercised his power to keep Congress in session until they pass legislation to help we, the people, instead of catering to the wishes of the 1%. It’s time for Congress to give up its spring breaks, holidays, vacations and campaign season until we have full employment, tuition-free college, universal health care, equal pay for women, marriage equality, etc., etc., etc.

OPEN THREAD