While there are many websites with various illustrations of “paraprosdokians” (from two Greek words translated as “against expectation”), most of these are from an email that a colleague forwarded. I added a few extras from some of the sites that I visited. Enjoy!
PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)
Here is the definition [although, when googling this, one site said that the word is not in the Oxford English Dictionary]:
Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian. [Sounds like the basis of most stand-up routines by comedians, doesn’t it?]
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
27. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
28. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
29. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
30. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others — whenever they go.
31. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
32. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
33. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
34. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
And, of course, one of Wayne’s favorite jokes:
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
For more great one-liners, along with attributions for some of the above, check the following websites: “My Literary Quest”; Bestuff; and Wikipedia.
This is our Open Thread: have fun with it, or discuss whatever’s on your mind.