The Watering Hole, Monday, April 27, 2015: See Our Best (Again)

With the help of my wife, Jane, I wrote this song parody almost four years ago, and I find that it still applies today. This time the Republicans are trotting out a different cast of characters, some of whom haven’t made their presidential aspirations official for legal and technical reasons (such as they don’t really intend to run for president, like Donald Trump), to beg and plead the Koch Brothers to give them money so they can attack Hillary Clinton, who recently announced that she will accept the nomination of the Democratic Party to complete either Bill Clinton’s or Barack Obama’s third term. Or maybe she’s going to finally finish the work of the president she did once work for, Richard Nixon. This time around, Sheldon Adelson (Billionaire – Israel) will play a major role in the elections, but don’t think for a moment that just because he’s not one of the Koch Brothers that he must be good. He isn’t. He has pretty much made it clear he wants a President of the United States who will put the interests of a foreign nation (in this case, Israel) ahead of the interests of the United States and its citizens, especially those who do not agree with Israel’s policies and human rights abuses. Why he thinks Marco Rubio is that person is beyond me.

For those who don’t seem to “get it,” let me try to explain why this is bad. The disastrous, and totally insane Citizens United decision made it perfectly legal to Continue reading

The Watering Hole, 8/20/14: Do you know how fast you’re going?

A short while back, astrophysicist and Cosmos star Neil deGrasse Tyson was pulled over by a State Trooper while on his way to a speaking engagement. The Trooper obviously didn’t recognize the famous scientist.

We here at The Zoo obtained the audio from the Trooper’s dash camera shortly before it was taken off-line. Here, then, is the exchange between an astrophysicist and a State Trooper on the subject of speeding.

Trooper: Do you know how fast you were going?

NdGT: Relative to what?

Trooper: Relative to…..Einstein.

NdGT: Ah, well, yes. It’s fascinating you should day that. You see, Einstein was a mathematician, but his theories revolutionized the study of physics and astrophysics. Using his theories on relativity and time and motion we are finally able to answer that question.

Trooper: What question?

NdGT: How fast was I going. That is what you asked, right?

Trooper: Right.

NdGT: Ok. Now, to give you some grasp of how fast I was going, you’ve got to imagine we’re on one of those Octopus rides in a carnival. You know, the ride where there are several arms extending outward from a central hub. The hub spins around, and the end of the arms go round and round the hub. But that’s not all. At the end of each arm there are seats that spin round and round, so at times you’re hurling through space heading right towards the hub, and a moment later you’re being flung out and away from the hub. And at the point where you’re nearest the hub, you feel like you’re not moving at all.

Trooper: Huh?

NdGT: Stay with me, here. Now, the hub is our Sun, and the Earth is at the end of one of those arms, moving around the Sun at 66,000 miles per hour. But that’s not all, because the Earth spins around on its axis, like the seats on the carnival ride. In this case, a person on the equator would be spinning through space at about 1,000 miles per hour. But we have two problems. First, we’re approaching noon. That means we’re heading closest to that center hub, or, in this case, the Sun. That also means that, relative to the sun, we appear to be slowing down. And we’re also not at the equator. You see, the farther north or south you go from the equator, the slower you’re moving through space as the Earth continues to spin on its axis. For example, did you know that if you were standing exactly on the North Pole, you wouldn’t be moving at all, as far as the spin on the earth’s axis?

Trooper: I wouldn’t?

NdGT: Exactly! You’d be standing still. Well, not totally still. Although you wouldn’t feel like you’re moving, you would be doing a slow 360 degree spin. It would take you 24 hours just to be facing the same direction you were when you started. But even that’s a misperception. Because you would always be facing South, relative to the Earth, but relative to the Sun, or an astronaut in space, you’d be spinning in place. Are you with me so far?

Trooper: So far. We’re at the North Pole, right?

NdGT: No, we’re in Alabama. But that’s not all.

Trooper: It isn’t.

NdGT: No! and that’s the beauty of it all! You see, while we’re spinning round and round on our axis at 1,000 miles per hour, and spinning round and round the Sun at 66,000 miles per hour, the sun is whirling through space as it goes around and around the center of the Milky Way Galaxy at 483,000 miles per hour!

Trooper: No way!

NdGT: Way! and that’s not all! Our galaxy is moving away from the center of the Universe, the site of the Big Bang, at an amazing 1.3 million miles per hour! So, to answer your question, all I have to do is add 1.3 million, plus 438,000, plus 66,000, plus 1,000, adjusted down for latitude to approximately 800, plus 55 and the answer is…1,849,805 miles per hour, give or take.

Trooper: You don’t say. I had you clocked at 55. Wait, where’d the 55 come from?

NdGT: Oh, that’s the speed I had set on my cruise control.


The Watering Hole: Wednesday, April 23, 2014, Now What?

Reports are coming in that hundreds of homeless families, many of them armed, have set up encampments on the Federal land near Bunkersville, Nevada, site of the recent standoff between citizen militia and the federal government.

Homeless advocates are claiming that if cows can live on federal land, rent free, people should be allowed to do so, also.

So far, federal agents do not seem inclined to intervene. Meanwhile, the smell of bbq beef wafts down the valley from the general direction of the homeless camps each evening.


The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 15, 2014: Hump Day: A Bridge Too Farce…


Well, folks, the long awaited Traffic Study commissioned by Governor Chris Christie that necessitated the closure of 3 out of 4 toll boths on the busiest bridge in the world has now been released. Among its findings are:

  1. If you shut down the world’s busiest bridge, you create the world’s greatest gridlock.
  2. If you create the world’s greatest greatest gridlock, it will have a negative impact on the economy.
  3. If you cause a negative impact on the economy, people are going to ask why.
  4. If people ask why, you will have to lie.
  5. If you have to lie, an angel loses its wings.
  6. If an angel loses its wings, it falls to earth and becomes Satan.
  7. If an angel becomes Satan, gays will get married.
  8. If you want to keep gays from getting married, don’t shut down the world’s busiest bridge.


The Sunday Roast: October 13, 2013: Catholic Church Shuts Down

The College of Cardinals, unhappy with the liberal bent of Pope Francis, have shut down the Catholic Church.

Church bells were silenced this morning as Parish Priests around the globe sullenly posted the shut-down notices on cathedral doors. For the first time in centuries, no Mass was held this morning. Vatican City was closed to all visitors as an erie silence descended upon its streets and halls.

The shutdown notices stated:

Until His Eminance returns to the traditional values of the Catholic Church, these doors will remain closed. The College of Cardinals regrets any inconvenience this shut down has caused. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.

The effects of the shutdown were not immediately felt outside of Vatican City. In the United States, parishoners simply went back home and watched football. Some stopped long enough to comment.

“Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”

“This is all Pope Francis’ fault. If he hadn’t started embracing atheists and gays we wouldn’t be shut out of our place of worship.”

“The Pope is supposed to represent God here on earth. For the past two thousand years, God hated gays and atheists and Protestants. Why change now? This is the Devil’s work. We’re at the end of times for sure.”

Economists warn this shutdown, if it lasts more than a couple of weeks, could have a direct effect on the global economy. Millions of dollars that used to flow to the Vatican every Sunday will now be spent locally. On the other hand, charity and missionary work will run out of funds before the end of the year.

Michelle Bachmann took to the morning talk show circuit this morning, praising the shutdown. “The Catholic Church is nothing more than a massive socialist government disguising itself as a religious organization that redistributes wealth from the job creators to the poor. It’s about time someone shut it down so the people will be free to practice their own religion and come to know that Jesus Christ is coming down to Earth and save all true believers. We’re living in the End Times now. Praise Jesus for this blessed shutdown!”


The Watering Hole, Saturday, July 20, 2013: I Worry ‘Bout It

Time for another parody, what d’ya say? This one was inspired by a friend of mine, Frank, who said he really liked this song. Frank may actually help me record some of these things (I’m the hold-up, not him; stage fright); so this is for him. I hope you all enjoy this one about arguing with political opponents, or anyone who you think hasn’t a clue what he or she is talking about, but insists it’s right anyway. I’m sure some of us won’t agree who needs to hear it. (I know who I think needs to hear it. :))

I Worry ‘Bout It
Original Words and Music “Opus 17 (Don’t You Worry ‘Bout Me)” by Sandy Linzer and Denny Randel, 1966
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2013

Ahhhh, I can see
This ain’t no fun for me-
You’re only showing in your heart no empathy
If there’s another plan
That I don’t understand
Go on and tell me, Man
‘Cause now I worry ‘bout it

It’s so true
That you’ve been lying, too
The world all knows we only want what’s best for you
What good are facts denied
If your whole point’s implied
Go on and be decried
And hope I worry ‘bout it

Say you’re wrong
And I’ll just move along
Although you’ll think about it when you hear this song
I’ll always think that you
Intend to take the view
That somehow it’s all true
And that I worry ‘bout it

Ooooooooooh bay-ay-by.

See this guy
Before he says goodbye
Remember if they ever let him spin and lie
Don’t hide your own disdain
Don’t ever feel to blame
‘Cause he’ll do that again
That’s why I worry ‘bout it

I thought you
Know better than you do
You’ll spend your whole life saying what you want is true
And so this is goodbye
I know you’d rather lie
But don’t you tell me why
‘Cause then I’d worry ‘bout it

This is also our daily open thread. Feel free to discuss arguing with political opponents/idiots, brilliant song parodies you’ve read recently, or anything else you want to discuss..