Hump Day, 9/11/19: Trump Declares Victory over Hurricane Dorian

In a speech meant to commemorate the events of Nine-One-One, Trump veered off course and declared a “complete, total, victory” over Hurricane Dorian. He took full credit for “saving the good people of Alabama” from the effects of the hurricane.

“I could have nuked the hurricane” he said. “Could have. But didn’t. And that would have put an end to it while it was still over the Bahamas. But I didn’t.” Trump held up his “Magic Sharpie Map.”

Trump displays the highly classified NOAA Map showing Hurricane Dorian hitting Alabama.

Trump told the sparse audience at his rain-soaked Mar-a-Lago resort where he spent the week golfing and nominating club members for federal judicialships that he alone deflected Dorian’s path. “I drew other maps, maps that are highly classified. Highly classified. Because they worked. These other maps, drawn with my magic sharpie, which you can all buy a copy of, by the way. Won’t work as good as mine. Yours won’t have my magic in them, but they will bear my official signature, which is magical, by the way. Very magical.”

“I took my sharpie…magical sharpie….and I drew a line showing Hurricane Dorian curving away from Florida, away from this beautiful spot where you are now all standing, and up the coast. And guess what….the hurricane obeyed me. It followed my map.”

A polite round of applause ensued, whereupon Trump declared “I am the Chosen One.”

This, of course, was portrayed by CN”Fake News” Network as Trump talking about trade talks with China once more. The Liberal Left refuses to acknowledge that Trump has the power to change the weather.

However, when it comes to magic, and being the Chosen One, Trump has competition from the other side of the pond.

TRUMP/TRUMP 2020

The latest rumor is that Ivanka and Jared asked dotard Donnie to remove Mike Pence from the 2020 ticket.  What do you expect to happen?  Why it is the TRUMP/TRUMP ticket for 2020.  Dotard Donnie and his “crush” Ivanka would be on the same ticket.  Yep.  He thinks and she thinks that she will be the first female president.  After all, she has been traveling the world with daddy and meeting with diplomats in preparation for her big moment.  Don’t forget all that White House training that daddy is giving her.

Open Thread.  Have at it.

Blogging Allows Venting

It’s been years since I posted something here.  In 2016, my political venting was done on Facebook.  Since then, I have become acutely aware that Facebook is NOT my “Friend”.  Where, o where can I vent?  Tpzoo provides a safe and friendly environment for that.

The campaign season is quickly approaching and there are still too many choices.  Ha!  I predict that by January 2020, the number of candidates left with any money in their campaign funds will be down to 10.  It would benefit our nation and the world if we replace Fatsolini with a Democrat.  In order to reap any benefits from having a Democrat in the White House, it is imperative that we keep the House and we take the Senate back from Moscow Mitch.

That’s about all that I have for now.  It isn’t much, but, it is a start.  I will leave you with what I saw written on a bumper sticker; “Carry like 1776”.  Hmm, guess that means muskets.

Feel free to vent.  It’s good for the soul.

Recent ‘Toon Gnuz from Paul Jamiol

Our good friend and honorary Critter Paul Jamiol has been busy lately: illustrating a children’s book; working on a new collection of his excellent editorial cartoons to come out in early 2020; plus, most days, putting out new, grimly accurate observations on these terrible times.  (All images are copyrighted by Paul Jamiol.)

jamiol banger the sausage dog book cover

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jamiol racist rant

That’s just a sampling.  For more, and to see how talented Paul’s wife, Lin, is with her green thumb [and who knew that Paul is an amazing photographer!], visit Jamiol’s World.

Paul has been chronicling political/current events since September 2000.  His encouragement and kindness to us Critters when we left ThinkProgress to start TheZoo, as well as our longstanding friendship, will always be appreciated – hell, I still LOVE our personalized header ‘toon.  I know that we here at TheZoo became pretty burnt out trying to do our part – it’s so damned hard to keep covering this shitshow, when day after day, even hour after hour, horrors upon horrors unfold.  Thank you, Paul, for your dedication to illustrating  what could well become America’s downfall.  It’s a grim task, and I don’t envy you.  Please carry on for as long as you can stand it, and we’ll try to keep up.

 

Open Thread – Come and get it!

Old Gnuz: Look Back in Irony

While clearing out an old magazine rack, we ran across – surprise! an old magazine!  (Seriously, we almost never buy any magazines.)  Actually, it was the ‘People Magazine’s 2006 Sexiest Man Alive’ issue, with George Clooney on the cover – which may explain why we happened to have that particular issue.

But don’t worry, this isn’t going to be about sexy men.

Nope – it’s about Donald Trump, Jr., and the “Scoop” in that People issue: 

“Another Trump on the Way”

“The Donald may soon be known as The Gramps.  Donald Trump, Jr. and his wife of one year, Vanessa, have confirmed to Scoop that their first child – the mogul’s first grandchild – is due early next summer.  “Everyone’s very excited,” says Vanessa, 28. Although “if you mention the ‘grandpa’ word [to Donald Sr.], he might not be so excited.”

Complicating the family dynamics:  The new baby’s uncle Barron (son of the elder Trump and his wife Melania) is just 8 months old.  “They’ll be more like brothers, or brother and sister,” says Vanessa, who wants her baby’s sex to be a surprise.

What kind of father will Donald Jr., a Trump Organization executive VP, be?   A lot like his own dad.  “Trumps don’t do diapers,” says Don, 28.  But he does vow to be more hands-on – think playing catch – with his own kids.  “She [wants] five,”  Don says. I’ll wait till [sic/mine] she cranks out one, and then I want to renegotiate that back a bit.”  Spoken like a Trump.”

Looks like he’s had to renegotiate more than just the number of kids his wife “cranks out” – now it’s more like the number of kids he gets to see.    “Spoken like a trump,” indeed.

Open thread – what’s on your mind?

Pregnancies lasting longer as babies refuse to leave the womb

The average length of a pregnancy in the United States has seen a marked increase in the last two years, up from 40 weeks to 42 1/2 weeks. Health officials are at a loss to explain the trend, but Heimlich Schachzug, a heretofore unknown child psychologist, has developed a novel theory.

“Zees people are afraid to leaf der vomb” Dr. Schachzug stated in a recent lecture at the U.S. Conference of Ob/Gyns. “Unt zay haf every reason to be afraid.” The child psychologist went on to explain his theory. People, and unborn people are people, know that as long as they are in the womb, the current Administration will care for them and protect them. But once they are out, they are on their own. Lack of healthcare and “food insecurity” are the two most prevalent reasons people give for refusing to leave the womb.

The trend to remain in the womb is growing at an alarming rate. Dr. Schachzug predicts that by the end of Trump’s first term in office, average gestation times will approach 50 weeks. Other countries, however, do not seem to be experiencing this phenomena.

Preliminary findings in a cross-sectional study suggest a high correlation between pregnant women who watch Fox News and increased gestational times. “Apparently,” Dr. Schachzug concluded, “Fox News scares the sheisse out of zeese people. It is no vunder zay refuse to leaf der vomb.”

So Happy It’s Thursday

Breaking Gnus:

Trump went on a now-deleted Twitter rampage after learning the newest Royal Baby wasn’t named after him.

He tweeted an executive order decreeing that “From now on, all boys born in this GREAT CONTRY will be named Donald. Like me. Its a GREAT name.Girls can be named Donna, after me, but it wnt be as great bc their grlz.”