Dear John Boehner

Dear John Boehner:

You know how you get those little postcards in the mail sometimes telling you that you’re part of some class action lawsuit because you bought a malfunctioning Pez dispenser between 1995 and 2003 or something? You’re told if you want to be part of the lawsuit, you need not do anything. If you want to opt out of participating in the lawsuit, you must say so in writing.

So I am writing to tell you I’m opting out of the lawsuit you’re filing against President Obama.

This has nothing to do with the fact that on CNN tonight they showed you and some of your fellow Repubs mocking Obama while readying your lawsuit. I’ve grown accustomed to you folks acting like a bunch of spoiled brats each time you don’t get your own way about something. No, this is all about money. My money.

I can’t get a definite figure on how much you’re going to spend of taxpayer money for this. Whatever it is, it’s too much. You haven’t earned a cent of your pay for quite a few years now. So you’re going to sue the President for trying to earn his.
Pardon my denseness, but I’m somehow missing the logic in that.

You and your fellow Repubs spent $2.3 million worth of taxpayer money trying to defend the indefensible Defense of Marriage act. You did this even though poll after poll indicates that most Americans really don’t feel the need to stick their noses into someone else’s personal life. You and your fellow Repubs are spending an estimated $3.3 million on your most recent Benghazi investigation. Courtesy of the taxpayers of course. Once again, excuse me for my denseness, but I’m still not getting why you were silent when several thousand Americans were killed in the 9/11/2001 attacks–despite the fact that the Bush administration had received warnings that indicated such an attack was coming. And I’m also a bit befuddled about your silence when Bush took us into Iraq looking for non-existent WMDs. How many people died because of that little jaunt into fantasyland? If silence is golden, you and your fellow Repubs have a whole Ft. Knox worth of silence on that one.

So. I’m opting out of this lawsuit. When you get a ballpark figure on how much this latest exercise in ignorance will cost, please divide that amount by the number of taxpayers in the country and send me the refund I have coming. Also, I would like this in cash. No offense, but I don’t want to be left holding a worthless check when you’ve finally managed to bleed my country dry with all your “fiscal conservatism”.

I’m looking forward to seeing what’s next on your agenda. If I recall, Michele Obama was wearing a blue dress in that beautiful photo making the rounds a while back. Maybe you could sue her for discriminating against Repubs by not wearing a RED dress. Just a suggestion. I’m sure that, even as I write, the Republican Nitwit Committee is brainstorming more ways to spend lots of money on all these vendettas you’ve tried to pass off as being in the interest of the American people.

So. Please remove my name as a plaintiff in your lawsuit. I am looking forward to receiving my cash refund, which I will immediately take to the supermarket to have it examined with their nifty money scanner to be sure it isn’t as bogus as you are.



The Watering Hole: Wednesday, July 2, 2014: BREAKING GNUS: Boehner v. Obama leaked!

Walker, The Zoo's underground investigative journalist.

Walker, The Zoo’s underground investigative journalist.

Walker, the Zoo’s underground investigative journalist, recently dug up an interesting paper, tossed into the garbage along with several empty cans of spray-on tan. While the paper does not indicate who authored it, it does appear to be a draft of pleadings in the much publicized Boehner lawsuit he plans to file against President Obama:


Boehner v. Obama



  1. Plaintiff JOHN BOEHNER is a natural person with unnaturally orange skin. Orange is not the new black. BOEHNER is the Speaker of the House of Representatives.
  2. Defendant BARACK OBAMA is a natural person, born in Kenya and the illegitimate President of the United States.


  1. Article III of the United States Constitution grants the United States Supreme Court original jurisdiction over all cases in which a public minister is a party. Since OBAMA claims to be the President of the United States, he is a Public Minister for Article III purposes.


  1. OBAMA is not doing everything I and the Republican Majority in the House wants him to do.
  2. OBAMA continues to enforce and implement OBAMACARE.


Wherefore, Plaintiff prays this court:

  1. Order OBAMA to do everything I want him to do;
  2. Issue an injunction to block the implementation of OBAMACARE; and
  3. Order an investigation of BENGHAZI.


John A. Boehner,

Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
Second in the Line of Succession to the Presidency
Savior of the People
Holder of the Sacred Trust