The Watering Hole, Wednesday, October 3, 2012: On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama: Master Debaters

Tweeter

Invisible Mitt

Invisible Obama

Dateline: Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The first of the Presidential Debates between Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt will take place in Brodie, California. Brodie is a Ghost Town, a holdover from the glory days of the California Gold Rush, where such towns sprang up overnight, and were abandoned just as quickly when the ore ran out. Brodie was selected for its remoteness and lack of a living population.

Tweeter: Before we get going on tonight’s topics, which include the economy, health care and the role of government and governing, I want to ask each of you what you’ve done to prepare for tonight’s debates. Mitt?

IM: I’ve been doing a lot of aerobics. It really helps shake things up, so I can get a new position on everything.

IO: Me? I’ve just been doing a lot of leg lifts to stay in shape. (chuckles)

Tweeter: Mitt, I see you’re beginning with a blank slate. Any comment?

IM: I am fully prepared to take any position on anything you ask.

Tweeter: With that, let’s get started. First up is the economy. We had a booming economy when President Clinton left office. The budget was balanced, and we were even paying down the national debt. Eight years later, we were running massive deficits, the floor was falling out from under the stock market. hundreds of thousands of workers were being laid off each month. Invisible Obama, what have you done in the past three and a half years to turn this country around?

IO: Not enough, Tweeter. Yes, I got a stimulus bill through, but it was barely enough to keep the country from sliding into a Great Depression. But I had to agree to letting the very same people who drove the economy over the cliff keep their massive Bush Tax Cuts…that’s the only way I can ever get anything past the Republicans in the Senate.

IM: There you go, blaming Republicans for your failed policies. The stimulus didn’t work because it didn’t cut taxes enough, it didn’t cut regulations enough. If you really want to stimulate the economy, you have to stop taxing the job creators and get rid of wasteful government regulations. Now I’m all for children. God knows Ann popped out enough of them. But why keep them out of the labor force? Why not let them, if they’re industrious enough, go out and get a job and start taking advantage of all the opportunities this Great Country has to offer to get ahead in life. I’m a prime example of pulling myself up by my own bootstraps and making a name for myself.

IO: As I was saying before my illustrious opponent interrupted me, I have had to deal with Republican obstructionism in the Senate since Day One. That’s why I need to be re-elected, so I can continue to do the same things, only this time, I hope the voters toss out the ten Republicans that are up for re-election this year.

IM: (chuckling) Good luck with that! Zing! Oops, wasn’t supposed to say that.

IO: And I suppose you can do better?

Continue reading

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, September 26, 2012: Romney’s Reboots Revealed!

Tweeter took time off from following Invisible Obama to sit down with Invisible Mitt for a candid, bird on Etch-a-Sketch interview.

T: I understand you’re rebooting your campaign.

IM: Yes. It’s what I do best.

T: A month ago, going into the Republican Convention, you were looking to reboot your campaign then, too, weren’t you?

IM: Well, as a matter of fact, I was. You see, at that point in time I had come in second to so many of my worthy opponents that I had to reinvent myself as the front runner.

T: To capture the ‘anybody but Romney’ vote?

IM: Right. You see, I thought that by taking every position on every issue, everyone would like me. Now, I wouldn’t say I was wrong, but the voters kept voting for everyone but me. I was kind of like that old Avis Rent-a-car commercial — I’m number two, but I try harder. Well, I don’t exactly try harder, but I do have more money, so when my opponents would ride the wave and get knocked off, I was still there, waiting for the tide to turn in my favor.

T: And when it did, you became Mr. Etch-a-Sketch?

IM: Right. What better way to illustrate to my base than use a simple child’s toy to show folks how easy it is to start with a clean slate, to erase everything I said going into the convention and start over.

T: But you didn’t get the bounce you expected out of your convention.

IM: No. But I don’t fault Invisible Dirty Harry for that. I blame the liberal media for focusing more on Invisible Obama than on me.

T: Well, you have to admit, bringing Invisible Obama on the stage at the Republican Convention did give him quite a boost in the polls.

IM: I don’t have to admit anything. And just because my tax forms state the United States is a foreign country, it doesn’t mean I’m from the planet Kolob.

T: O…kay… So, after the convention you re-booted your campaign, again. How did that go?

IM: Forty-seven percent of the people didn’t like it. So I’m re-booting again.

T: Again?

IM: Sure! Why not? If at first you don’t succeed, just shake the Etch-a-Sketch and start all over. I’m sure that sooner or later, I’ll find a message that resonates with the voters.

Walker, The Zoo’s underground reporter

“Walker here,” the Mole interrupted, “I just got back from my latest assignment, to find the dirt on Romney’s latest re-boot. My sources tell me he’s going to put a lot of boots on the ground. There’s a huge voter supression effort going on across the country. I managed to get this photo of one of their election-day training camps, at great peril to myself, I might add:

Romney’s Re-Boot

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD. ENJOY YOUR FREEDOMS WHILE YOU CAN!

On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama

Tweeter

Tweeter, The Zoo’s premier investigave journalist, has been following Invisible Obama around the country as he continues his campaign. Today he found the transparent candidate speaking in front of an Alamo car rental in San Antonio.

“We must all remember The Alamo” Invisible Obama spoke, “where Americans from all across the country banded together to fight an army of illegal immigrants from Mexico determined to come into this great country to take jobs away from the African-American slaves in the deep south.”

Invisible Obama

When someone from the gathering crowd pointed out that the battle of The Alamo was to free Texas, Invisible Obama explained, “I know that, but what can I say? The Republicans who invented me don’t exactly have the greatest grasp on history, and I say whatever they want me to say so they can then attack President Obama.”
“Is that why you’re speaking in front of a rental car place instead of the real Alamo?” Tweeter asked.

“Exactly.” Invisible Obama explained.

Lynched chair

Chair lynchings in Texas and Virgina demonstrate voter outrage over the Invisible Obama campaign.

When asked about the recent spate of chair lynchings, the transparent candidate paused for a moment of silence. “It is most unfortunate that some people choose to take their displeasure of me out on innocent chairs. While I defend their right to political speech, no matter how offensive, I believe we must not forget the real victims here. I mean, folding chairs? They have picked on the weakest amongst us, those who, when pressed, are unable to stand on their own four feet, and strung them up from the highest tree. To me, the individuals who hung those chairs are no better than someone who destroys a step-stool.”

Invisible Dirty Harry

“I have something I’d like to say about that.” The crowd parted as Invisible Dirty Harry approached the podium. “Now, frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about people that go around lynchin’ chairs. These clowns must not have seen High Plains Drifter. If they had, they’da known better than to just go and lynch the first chair they see.”

Invisible Mitt

“You’re never going to change the mind of 47% of the people when it comes to chairs.” A voice from the back called out.

“Well, if it isn’t Mister Etch a Sketch Himself.” replied Invisible Dirty Harry. “You still all shook up about me taking away your limelight at the Convention?”

“You bet I am!” stormed Invisible Mitt. “Do you know how hard I work at saying things that will get me the national attention I deserve?”

Invisible Dirty Harry looked down on Invisible Mitt. “I know what you’re thinkin’…did I tell five jokes, or was it six. You know, in all the excitement, I lost count. Do I have another one-liner in me? Well, do I? Ya feelin’ lucky, punk?”

Invisible Mitt began to shake.

Invisible Mitt Romney

“I…I…I… don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah,” replied Invisible Dirty Harry, “and you’ve been not sayin’ it for months now. C’mon, make my day.”

Invisible Obama interrupted the pair. “I’d like to thank everybody for coming out to this press conference. You all can catch up with me next on the Colbert Report. I’ll be there, sitting in the guest’s chair until the regularly scheduled guest arrives.”

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, September 19, 2012: On the Campaign Trail With Invisible Obama

From Left to Right: Invisible Obama, Clint Eastwood & Invisible Dirty Harry

Tweeter, The Zoo’s top investigative journalist, caught up with Invisible Obama and Invisible Dirty Harry in the high desert of the south western part of the United States as they prepared for the upcoming debates.

Tweeter


As luck would have it, Tweeter arrived just in time to watch as Clint Eastwood joined the two for a rare photo op. After posing for several photos, Clint retired back to Carmel where he could reminisce about his days as Mayor of the enclave-for-the-wealthy-by-the-sea. Invisible Obama and Invisible Dirty Harry escaped from the blistering desert heat high above one of LA’s busiest freeways to sit in air conditioned conditioned comfort as they exchanged barbs.

Invisible Obama

IO: Can we agree to be reasonable in our disussions of what is best for this country?

IDH: I tried being reasonable, but I didn’t like it. Extremism is so easy. You’ve got your position, and that’s it. It doesn’t take much thought.

Tweeter: Let’s talk about gun control. Invisible Dirty Harry, I know that’s a topic near and dear to your heart.

IDH: I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

IO: I want to take people’s guns away. In fact, one of my greatest failures was my inability to capitalize on the shooting of Rep. Giffords to get legislation passed overturning the Second Amendment. Sales of guns and ammo have skyrocketed during my administration.

Tweeter: What about the shooting of Rep. Giffords, and the the theater shooting? Shouldn’t we do something to make it more difficult for one unbalanced individual to shoot several innocent people?

IDH: Nothing wrong with shooting…as long as the right people get shot.

IO: Are you saying it was right to shoot Rep. Giffords?

IDH: Nag, nag, nag.

Invisible Dirty Harry

As Invisible Dirty Harry started to reach for his shoulder holster, Tweeter decided to change subjects.

Tweeter: How do you feel about marriage equality?

IO: I support the rights of people of the same gender to get married.

IDH: There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Tweeter: So…if the only way to have a happy marriage is to marry someone of your same gender, would you get married again?

IDH: Ok, you did two things wrong. One is you asked a question, and two is, you asked another question.

As Invisible Dirty Harry reached inside his suit coat again, Tweeter quickly changed topics.

Tweeter: You made the movie “Flags of our Fathers”, about the American’s on Iwo Jima. What’s your stand on foreign policy?

IDH: This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.

Tweeter: I thought it cost over $50 million?

IDH: Nag, nag, nag.

IO: I believe we should apologize to our enemies and hope they won’t do anything bad to us.

IDH: A man’s got to know his limitations.

IO: Are you saying I’m weak?

IDH: You’re a legend in your own mind.

IO: I am the first black President.

IDH: Well that’s just swell.

Tweeter: What about the birther controvery?

IO: There is no controversy. I was born and raised a Muslim in Kenya, but I got the courts to buy into my fake Hawaiian birth certificate.

IDH: I’m an American. I don’t even know why the hell I’m here.

Invisible Obama chuckled.

IDH: I don’t think it’s nice, you laughin’.

With that, Invisible Dirty Harry pulled out his 44 magnum.

IDH: Make my day.

No sooner did Invisible Dirty Harry point the gun at Invisible Obama, two invisible Secret Service Agents swarmed him.

Tweeter: How long have you had a Secret Service detail?

IO: Ever since Clint Eastwood put me in the limelight at the Republican Convention. Until then, I pretty much lived in the shadows.

As Invisible Dirty Harry was being dragged out of the building, he shouted, “Am I being paranoid, or is he busting my balls?”

“Where are you off to next?” Tweeter asked the invisible candidate.

“I may head to an in vitro clinic. I hear there’s a voter registration drive being kicked off in anticipation of giving zygotes full personhood status.”

THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD.
GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY!

Bonus video: Continue reading

Breaking Gnus: Invisible Obama Abandons Non-Existent Country

Tweeter

This just in: Invisible Obama Abandons Non-Existent Country.

Moments ago, Liz Cheney, daughter of former Vice-President Dick of the same last name, announced Invisible Obama abandonded Czechoslavakia, a country that has not existed for approximately 20 years.

Tweeter caught up with Invisible Obama for his response.

Invisible Obama

Invisible Obama: I should have known I couldn’t keep this a secret through my campaign. It’s true. I actually abandoned Czechoslovakia when I left Kenya as a child to follow Jeremiah Wright. But that was before that great Republican President told Putin to tear down the Iron Curtain and put up some nice paisley drapes. I honestly didn’t think anyone would find out about this, so I have to give Dick’s daughter credit. I wonder what else she will dig up about my past?

With that, the transparent candidate left, looking quite disturbed at this latest revelation of his childhood missteps on the way to becoming President.

Invisible Obama takes Full Credit for Sympathizing with Muslims

Invisible Obama

Tweeter, The Zoo’s premier investigative journalist, has been following Invisible Obama on the campaign trail. This morning, the transparent candidate gave a brief press conference outside a Denny’s in Chicago.

“I take full credit for the statement made by the Egyptian Embassy.” Invisible Obama began. “I knew ahead of time, that I must apologize to the entire Muslim community for their attacks on our Embassies.” The crowd in this largely Jewish neighborhood shuffled uneasily.

“See, this happens every time some lame-brained American insults the Muslim Faith, whether its with a cartoon, burning the Koran, or, in this case a U-Tube video. Being a Muslim myself, I can appreciate how this enrages people like me, who then go out and kill Americans. They really have no control over their actions, and we must apologize to them for hurting their feelings.”

Invisible Obama then opened the conference for questions from the press. Tweeter, once again being the only member of the press present, asked, “Invisible Obama, how did you know, before the attacks even happened, to release that statement from the Egyptian Embassy? Didn’t you know it would be campaign fodder for Mitt Romney?”

“Of course I knew Mitt would seize upon the release and break his promise to not do any political attacks on the 11th Anniversary of 9/11. But you have to remember, I’m a creation of the Republican imagination and I’m supposed to go out and do things that Republicans can then criticize.” Invisible Obama explained. “Now, as to how I knew ahead of time, well, actually, I didn’t. I knew after the fact that I had to apologize before the fact, so that the fact that I apologized before the fact could be used after the fact to make it appear that I, in fact, apologized after the fact. And that’s a fact.”

“Kind of like Romney retiring retroactively?” Tweeter asked.

“Exactly.”

On the Campaign Trail with Invisible Obama

The Obamas at the DNC.
From left to right: Malia, Michelle, President Obama, Sasha and Invisible Obama.


Tweeter caught up with Invisible Obama at the Democratic National Convention this past week. Although the transparent candidate was denied a speaking spot at the convention, he was allowed to share the stage with the First Family.

Later, Invisible Obama and President Obama met behind closed doors to discuss campaign strategy. Tweeter flew right past the Secret Service agents to gain this unique oportunity to listen in on the two candidates.

President Obama listens intently as Invisible Obama outlines his strategies.

IO: I think you should campaign on your record, and let me campaign on mine. You’ve got a solid record of accomplishments, from the Lilly Ledbetter equal pay act, to saving the country from another great depression to the first reform of health care in modern times. Me? I could only hope to achieve some of the things the Republicans are giving me credit for.

PO: Like what?

IO: Like totally socialist health care. They say I socialized health care in this country, but I didn’t even come close. No Universal health care, no single payer, no MediCare for all. But, hey, if I’m out there getting all the blame, you’re free to campaign on your own merits.

PO: But what are you going to campaign on?

IO: Repbulican successes!

PO: Are you crazy?!?

IO: Hear me out…I want to point out, day and night, each and everything Republicans should proudly take credit for. Things like blocking the American Jobs Act for what, over a year now? They have done more in that one act to increase people’s dependency on government handouts than the Democrats have done in the past decade.
And how about repeatedly stonewalling the budget, unemployment benefits – you name it – to the point of actually damaging the credit rating of this country – just to keep massive tax breaks for multi-millionaires? That’s quite an accomplishment.
They passed a law allowing a stranger to shove something up a woman’s Continue reading

On the Campaign Trail With Invisible Obama

Invisible Obama

Invisible Obama spent Labor Day giving a stump speech at the shuttered labor and delivery unit at the South Fulton Medical Center in East Point, Georgia.

“This facility was closed following the enactment of ObamaCare.” Invisible Obama noted, “and I take full responsiblity for that. It shut its doors and laid off 80 employees because young women in Georgia weren’t getting pregnant in sufficient numbers to make this birthing center financially profitable.”

Invisible Obama chose a birthing center to give his Labor Day speech because “if it weren’t for the Labor each and every one of our Mothers experienced, we would not be here today.”

Invisible Obama acknowledged his opponent, Mitt Romney, would make it more likely birthing centers like this one would stay open. “With the elimination of sex education, birth control and abortions, the Republican Party will ensure that market forces will cause not only this center to re-open, but will result in an explosion of demand for similar centers all across this great country.”

Tweeter

After his stump speech to an empty building, Invisible Obama sat down with Tweeter, The Zoo’s top investigative journalist, for a one-on-one interview. Tweeter took advantage of the opportunity to question Invisible Obama about Dirty Harry’s comments. Continue reading

Invisible Obama Spotted on the Campaign Trail

Tweeter

Ever vigilent, Tweeter, The Zoo’s investigative journalist par excellance, tracked down Invisible Obama on the Campaign Trail.

Invisible Obama was giving a stump speech in Monowi, Nebraska (Pop. 1).

“Read my lips,” Invisible Obama began his speech.

“I would if I could see them!” heckled Elsie Eiler, the town’s only resident.

“Oh. That’s right.” chucked the invisible candidate. Invisible Obama droned on for what must have been several minutes before finally opening up for questions from the press corps in attendance. Tweeter, the only member of the press, ended up with this exclusive interview.

Q: Why Monowi for your first stop?
A: It seemed the logical choice. As an invisible candidate, I thought it best I kept a low profile.
Q: Are you going to be at the Democratic Convention later this week?
A: Heaven’s no. You see, I’m a creation of the Republican Party. They don’t want to run against President Obama, so they created me, Invisible Obama, to run against. My sole purpose in being is to be everything Republicans want to run against. So I’m a socialist, marxist, fascist, feminist, environmentalist that wants to hand America over to our enemies.
Q: So, you’re really nothing but a straw man?
A: Actually, the Straw Man is campaigning in Louisana right now.
Q: Oh.
Tell me, why did you make that guest appearance at the Republican Convention?
A: Are you kidding? Pass up a chance to share the stage with Dirty Harry? It was an opportunity of a life time! Make my day! I had a great time!
Q: How so?
A: Clint kept talking to the chair, see. Only I wasn’t in the chair. The whole time I was on the other side of Clint, mooning him!
Q: Where’s your next stop?
A: I haven’t decided yet. I may just lay low for awhile. But whenever the Republicans need me, I’ll be there. One thing’s for sure, I’m not just another face in the crowd.

The Watering Hole: August 31 — Ummm, so this happened…

Awk-ward.

This cringe-worthy performance was an embarrassment at best, and appallingly pathetic at worst.  I have no idea what the Romney campaign was thinking when they allowed this to go over the prime time airwaves.  Wowzers.

This is our daily open thread — What do you think?