BREAKING GNUS: Romney’s Real Religion Revealed

Questions regarding Romney’s real religion began circulating shortly after it was revealed that the only country in the world that favored Romney over Obama was Israel.

Ever vigilant, The Zoo’s top investigative reporters began digging and snooping around to get to the bottom of this unusual, and some would say unholy, Mormon-Jew alliance. It is now being revealed for the first time that:


That’s right. When Romney toured Israel last summer he took part in a secret Bris ceremoney. His Mohel spoke on condition of anonymity. “I have his foreskin right here” said the Mohel, holding up a dried-out ring of pink flesh.

Calls to the Romney campaign were largely derided. The campaign released a short statement: “This is nothing but a desperate smear campaign, cooked up by the liberal left, to discredit Romney’s religious beliefs. Romney was, is, and forever will be a Mormon.”

Reporters, however, are pressing the candidate to disprove this story: “Show us your foreskin”

The Watering Hole, Saturday, October 13, 2012 – Pitchin’ a Lie

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but Mitt Romney is a no-good goddamn fucking liar. There, I said it and I’m glad.

Okay, it appears I have said it before. But it’s true. You can see a quick list compiled by Politifact (for what it’s worth), but he’s has told literally hundreds of lies on the campaign trail. And in the famous 47% video, he based an entire answer to a question on a lie. He claimed that all 47% of the people who did not pay any federal income taxes, for whatever reason, were not being responsible for their own lives. That includes the elderly who are retired and living on Social Security, the military who are overseas and putting their lives at risk every day, and the young people just starting out at their first jobs and, like the elderly and the military, not earning enough to owe federal income taxes. It’s not like he said that twelve years ago, it was just this past summer. And it’s not like nobody ever figured out until now why some people don’t pay federal income tax, any competent economist could have explained it in less than five minutes. But there he is lying, again. It seems that’s all Mitt Romney has for a stump speech – lies. Every day, he’s out there pitchin’ a lie.

By the way, this is also our Open Thread (a two-fer). Feel free to talk about Mitt Romney’s Lies, or any other topic you wish to bring up. And enjoy a fun little tune and a parody based on it.

Pitchin’ a Lie
Original Words and Music by Peter Callender and Mitch Murray
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider

The dumb goes up when I go by
It’s nearly over now but here am I
Pitchin’ a lie, pitchin’ a lie
Gotta drive it home, make ’em see the light

It’s not so fair, but why complain?
They’re nearly frownin’ from my time at Bain
Pitchin’ a lie, pitchin’ a lie
Gotta drive it home, get ’em to my side

Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie
Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie

A distant call from far away
My money’s lonely so I’m on my way
Pitchin’ a lie, pitchin’ a lie
Gotta drive it home, keep ’em satisfied

Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie
Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie

The dumb goes up when I go by
But don’t nobody stop and analyze
Pitchin’ a lie, pitchin’ a lie
Gonna take too long, get ’em to my side

Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie
Lie, lie, lie, pitchin’ a lie
Lie, lie
Lie, lie
Lie, lie
Lie, lie

[Posted at Pick Wayne’s Brain.]

I Pledge Allegiance

Is Mitt Romney really an American?  Which country does Mitt Romney serve?  Is there something suspicious in Mitt Romney’s tax returns?  What is he hiding?  Why does he fly the flag of another country?  Is this the country that Mitt Romney pledges allegiance to?

The party yacht proudly displays the flag of the Cayman Islands.

More questions, were there years that Mitt Romney didn’t pay taxes?  Is he using accounts in the Cayman Island to hide his money so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes to the United States government?

No wonder Mitt Romney is out of touch with the American people. He doesn’t know what it is like to worry about where his next meal will come from or if he still has a job or if he can pay for his mortgage or rent.  His only worry is how can he hide his money so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes.

Mitt was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.  He doesn’t know what it is like to be an ordinary American.

The Watering Hole: Saturday, September 1, 2012, The Real Romney

By now, unless you’ve been living under a rock (or, if you are among the more affluent, inside a cave), you’ve heard some kind of story about how Mitt Romney turned a private equity firm around and saved lots of jobs. But what you probably haven’t heard so much about is how he did it, and how he lied about it later. If you knew, you wouldn’t be so quick to want him to run our country the way he ran Bain. You see, Mitt didn’t really “save” the company by building revenue and new sources of income. No. In fact, his attempt to save Bain & Company was a disaster, and the only way Mitt “saved” the company and made himself the quarter-billionaire he is today is “by borrowing vast sums of money that other people were forced to pay back.” And if that wasn’t bad enough, his oft-told story about how he rescued Bain & Company has been proven, thanks to Rolling Stone reporters Tim Dickinson and Matt Taibbi, to be a lie. And just before his big speech at the RNC self-love-fest convention, Romney’s campaign told another lie about how he saved Bain & Company and made it profitable in a year.

It’s a fascinating, if long, story that sheds some light on how the world of high finance works, or doesn’t, depending on your perspective, by which I mean whether or not you are the one making the money or paying it. Romney’s basic strategy was to buy a struggling company, borrow hugely against the company’s assets, pay himself and his partners millions of dollars in consulting fees, then leave the company to twist in the wind under a mountain of debt, with many of them declaring bankruptcy, but not after Romney and his friends made a profit. Some people applaud this kind of Capitalism, but I feel there ought to be laws against it and protections for the people whose company is being bought. Perhaps the biggest lie Romney and his backers tell is that he was some kind of job creator who turned struggling companies around. But creating jobs was never the goal of taking over those companies. It was to make money for himself and his partners. As Matt Taibbi explains, “If you invest in a Bain or a Carlyle or a KKR takeover deal, you’re not betting on the future success of whatever company they took over. You’re betting on the ability of those firms to make money on the deal, which may – or, just as importantly, may not – involve turning the target company around.”

We do not need to have people like this in charge of the whole system, and choosing who will regulate the banks and financial institutions of our country. We need people we can trust to do the right thing, which is what Public Service is supposed to be about. It’s not about having a chance to change the rules to benefit you and your friends, though many have gone to Washington with just that goal in mind. It’s about serving your country, which includes all of its citizens, not just the top one percent in income. I would take the job, but an atheist like me could never get elected in this God-loving country. Maybe you or your children can do better (assuming the country is still around when your children are old enough to become president.)

This is our open thread. Feel free to discuss any topic you want.

[Cross-posted at Pick Wayne’s Brain.]

The Watering Hole – Saturday, Aug 18, 2012 – Soledad O’Brien, GOP Lie Detector

It’s been a while since I had any desire to tune into CNN, but thanks to Soledad O’Brien, there’s a chance slightly better than a snowball’s in Hell that I might start watching again. Soledad has been doing something lately you don’t often see on the TV machine – challenging Republican lies. And boy, do they get testy when you do that. This past Tuesday she nailed former NH Gov John Sununu, a former GHW Bush Chief-of-Staff who resigned after misusing government resources to conduct personal business, over his lie that the Romney Medicare plan is not being turned into a voucher program. Apparently the word “voucher” must not have tested well with focus groups when used in conjunction with Medicare (as opposed to when used with “school choice”) because the Republicans insist that it is not a “voucher program,” it’s a “premium support program.” The government will give seniors a fixed amount so they can go out on the free market and buy their own Medicare plans. That fixed amount in known in reality-based circles as a voucher. Notice how testy Sununu gets when Soledad points out the facts. He starts name-calling, and saying she’s just mimicking the White House. (Actually, she’s mimicking the CBO.) How mature.

The next day, she got in to a heated discussion with Romney Surrogate Liar Tim Pawle-zzzzzzzz.

I’m sorry, with former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawle-zzzzzzzz.

I’m never going to get this post finished if I keep doing that. Try again.

She got into a discussion with T-Paw, who tried to milk an old Washington trick to “prove” his point. The controversy centered around the Washington definition of the word “cut” in relation to spending and budgets. For those who don’t know, whenever someone proposes reducing the amount of money by which a government program will increase spending, it is called, by both political parties, a “cut.” They do it so they can say, “The other guy wants to cut Medicare!” (Or Education, or Defense, or whatever.) They say this even if the actual amount of money to be spent increases! And, of course, both sides do this because they know the American public doesn’t understand what they’re really saying. They hear “spending cuts,” and they think spending will actually go down. It doesn’t. It just goes up by less.

Which brings us to yesterday and an interview with Rep Jason Chaffetz. This time they were back to whether or not the Romney plan is a “voucher” program or a “premium support” program. Like his fellow Romney surrogates before him, Chaffetz just flat out denies the meaning of words in order to claim he’s right and she’s wrong. It’s another favorite tactic of Republicans – just say the opposite of the truth and claim that whatever the other person is saying is “simply not true.” Keep in mind that their goal is not to win the argument, which they can’t because they don’t have the facts on their side. Instead, the goal is to confuse the American people enough so they don’t believe the side that is telling the truth. The fact is that Obama’s plan saves money by reducing fraud, waste and abuse in Medicare spending. So the Republicans want to make people believe anything but that. And that’s pretty much how they approach any political argument.

If Soledad O’Brien keeps this up, I may just start watching CNN again. At least, I will when she’s on.

[H/T Pete, who brought Soledad O’Brien’s exploits to my attention.]

This is our open thread. Feel free to discuss any topic you want.

[Cross-posted at Pick Wayne’s Brain.]

The Watering Hole: Wednesday, August 8, 2012: Hump Day! Now What!

This post is being written as NASA gives its first press conference following the successful landing of Curiosity on Mars.

At this point, this author will look into his crystal ball and report the following stories now, ahead of them happening in real time, to be revealed later, when they have already occured.

Republicans were quick to give George Bush full credit for the Curiosity landing. This program began 8 years ago, when Bush was President, therefore He gets full credit for its success.

Republicans were also quick to blame Obama for Curiosity’s failure. Two days have gone by, and Curiosity failed to find proof of life on Mars. Christian leaders across the evangelical spectrum blamed Obama for seeking out new life forms, when God only created life on Earth. “Life on Mars goes against the Bible.” one editorial proclaimed.

But this Mars landing has created a bit of a rift within the extremes of the Right Wing. On the one hand, many consider this to be part of a plot to bring Communism to the United States. Mars is the Red Planet, and by going to Mars, Obama has aligned himself with the Red Menace, i.e. communism.

But others take a different view. Mars is Red, just as Conservative States are Red. Bush, in sending this Rover to Mars has staked out a new frontier for conservatives in our solar system. These forward-looking conservatives look to the day when Mars’ electoral votes secure a permanent conservative majority in the solar system forever. However, it did not escape their notice that all of the NASA scientists were wearing blue…

Meanwhile, Republicans in the House and Senate have introduced bills to eliminate funding for the Curiosity program. We need jobs here in the United States, not on Mars. People working in goverment jobs such as NASA aren’t working in real jobs. One alternative bill seeks to privatize NASA, with Halliburton purportedly backing the effort.