Trump in hot…. lukewarm…. tepid water over calls to Vatican, Boris.

Not only is President For Life Donald Trump in hot water for his call to the Ukraine “allegedly” seeking foreign assistance in the 2020 election, he has recently come under scrutiny for calls placed to the Vatican and Boris (Brexit) Johnson.

Trump “allegedly” asked Pope Francis to make him a Saint. In return, Trump would build a hotel/casino project in Vatican City. Trump felt the Catholic Church owed him the position of Sainthood, given He is The Chosen One. Pope Francis, it is said, was not impressed. He asked Trump to give an example of a miracle he performed. “Hey,” Trump is said to have said, “I haven’t been impeached!” The Pope was forced to agree that rose to miracle status, however, the Pope mused, it could be because Satan has possessed a majority of the American Senate. Pope Francis hinted that many of Trump’s supporters may have already sold their souls to the devil. Trump ended the conversation abruptly, threatening to cut off the Vatican’s supply of nuclear missiles.

Shortly after Trump hung up on the Pope, he speed-dialed Boris Johnson, who owed Trump a favor for his undying support for Brexit, and anything else that would give Putin an edge over Europe. Sources listening in to the conversation, including ham radio operators in Greenland, overheard Trump lobbying for a knighthood. “Sir Trump.” The President of the United States seemed to like the title. He encouraged Boris to sell the idea to the Queen. In return, Trump would give Boris lifetime membership in his golf course in Balmedie, Aberdeenshire, Scotland.

Boris, as fond as he is of number 45, is said to have balked. He is said to have told Trump that Trump has to be British to be called Sir Trump. Trump apparently retorted that his father was born in the British Sector of Berlin after the fall of the Third Reich and that had to count for something. Boris seemed to indicate he would try to make something up that the Queen would believe, and that maybe Trump would be Sir Trump once the “no-deal” Brexit became a reality, throwing the United Kingdom into economic and political turmoil for the foreseeable future.

Trump, it is said, fell asleep dreaming of tweeting under the #realSaintTrump and #realSirTrump hashtags.