By now you’ve probably heard of Palin’s recounting of the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere:
He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed.
The Zoo recently came into possession of documents which some scholars feel may be Palin’s actual notes she wrote while studying American History in College. We share those with you, our dear readers, so that you might have a better understanding of our history and culture, through the eyes of our next President of the United States of America:
The Pilgrims came to America in 1492 wearin their funny hats and shoes and buckles because they wanted religious freedom so they escaped from Nazi Germany because Hitler was sending all the Jews to Israel and they didn’t want to go to Israel because there was no oil there. So they drove their Plymoth over the rocks to Manhatten where they met a bunch of Indians. The Indians said they owned Manhatten, but they didn’t have any birth certificates, so the Pilgrims, naturally knowing the Indians were here illegally, but being good Christians and good neighbors and all gave the Indians a gift certificate to buy them some jewelery at Tiffanies and the Indians gave Manhatten to the Pilgrims so they could practice their religious freedoms and burn the witches that picked all their May flowers.
Our Founding Fathers fought the American Revolution and fired that shot heard around the world because they warned the British not to dump all their tea into the harbor and destroy our freedoms and of religion, too, and they had the right to bear arms. and free markets.
The Civil war was fought by our founding fathers after that greatest of all Republican Presidents Ronald Reagan freed the slaves. The southern states weren’t very civil about it and so they called it the Civil War but the southern states wanted socialism and so that’s why they lost. But once the slaves were free they shot Abraham Lincoln because they didn’t want all that personal responsibility and accountability and so that’s why Democrats gave them welfare so they wouldn’t have to work anymore after their slavery was taken away from them.