In a speech meant to commemorate the events of Nine-One-One, Trump veered off course and declared a “complete, total, victory” over Hurricane Dorian. He took full credit for “saving the good people of Alabama” from the effects of the hurricane.
“I could have nuked the hurricane” he said. “Could have. But didn’t. And that would have put an end to it while it was still over the Bahamas. But I didn’t.” Trump held up his “Magic Sharpie Map.”
Trump told the sparse audience at his rain-soaked Mar-a-Lago resort where he spent the week golfing and nominating club members for federal judicialships that he alone deflected Dorian’s path. “I drew other maps, maps that are highly classified. Highly classified. Because they worked. These other maps, drawn with my magic sharpie, which you can all buy a copy of, by the way. Won’t work as good as mine. Yours won’t have my magic in them, but they will bear my official signature, which is magical, by the way. Very magical.”
“I took my sharpie…magical sharpie….and I drew a line showing Hurricane Dorian curving away from Florida, away from this beautiful spot where you are now all standing, and up the coast. And guess what….the hurricane obeyed me. It followed my map.”
A polite round of applause ensued, whereupon Trump declared “I am the Chosen One.”
This, of course, was portrayed by CN”Fake News” Network as Trump talking about trade talks with China once more. The Liberal Left refuses to acknowledge that Trump has the power to change the weather.
However, when it comes to magic, and being the Chosen One, Trump has competition from the other side of the pond.
The average length of a pregnancy in the United States has seen a marked increase in the last two years, up from 40 weeks to 42 1/2 weeks. Health officials are at a loss to explain the trend, but Heimlich Schachzug, a heretofore unknown child psychologist, has developed a novel theory.
“Zees people are afraid to leaf der vomb” Dr. Schachzug stated in a recent lecture at the U.S. Conference of Ob/Gyns. “Unt zay haf every reason to be afraid.” The child psychologist went on to explain his theory. People, and unborn people are people, know that as long as they are in the womb, the current Administration will care for them and protect them. But once they are out, they are on their own. Lack of healthcare and “food insecurity” are the two most prevalent reasons people give for refusing to leave the womb.
The trend to remain in the womb is growing at an alarming rate. Dr. Schachzug predicts that by the end of Trump’s first term in office, average gestation times will approach 50 weeks. Other countries, however, do not seem to be experiencing this phenomena.
Preliminary findings in a cross-sectional study suggest a high correlation between pregnant women who watch Fox News and increased gestational times. “Apparently,” Dr. Schachzug concluded, “Fox News scares the sheisse out of zeese people. It is no vunder zay refuse to leaf der vomb.”
Trump went on a now-deleted Twitter rampage after learning the newest Royal Baby wasn’t named after him.
He tweeted an executive order decreeing that “From now on, all boys born in this GREAT CONTRY will be named Donald. Like me. Its a GREAT name.Girls can be named Donna, after me, but it wnt be as great bc their grlz.”
Mexico detains Americans at border crossings and other points of entry – separates children from parents.
Citing a massive influx Americans fleeing the U.S. the Mexican government instituted a policy similar to that of the United States. American citizens, claiming they are “tourists” are being detained at the border and housed in tent cities. Their children are separated from their parents and kept in “tender care” campos. Thus far there are no plans to keep track of which children are taken from which parents.
The Mexican government has issued assurances that they will give the same standard of care to these border crossers that the United States has given to individuals and families crossing from Mexico into the United States.
Young adults flying into ports of entry claiming they are on “Spring Break” are housed in youth lock-down facilities until their status can be ascertained, which could, according to government officials, take several months. “These young Americans bring in a tremendous amount of lawlessness, ranging from public drunkenness to debauchery. This must be stopped before they corrupt the youth of Mexico.” an unnamed public official said, off the record.
Trump responded in a late night tweet, threatening to increase tariffs on tourism to Mexico and institute a special duty on imports of Mexican covfefe.
As the case of Obamacare winds its way through the federal courts, the Trump Justice Department has raised a new argument in its bid to have Obama’s signature healthcare declared unconstitutional. Trump’s DOJ argues that the entire healthcare law, now stripped of its “individual mandate” should be declared unconstitutional because it infringes on peoples’ deeply held religious beliefs.
Health care, they argue, is a secular system and relies upon faith in man’s knowledge instead of God’s love. Stripping millions of people from the secular health care system will force them to turn to God for healing. This, in turn, is keeping with the founding father’s intent that ours is a Christian Nation.
Vice President Pence is said to be closely monitoring this case as it goes before the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. The case, Texas v. Azar, is expected to go to the Supreme Court where Justice Kavanaugh is expected to be the one writing the majority opinion upholding the lower court’s ruling that all of Obamacare is unconstitutional and replacing Obamacare with “Thoughts and Prayer Care.”
An Open Letter to The Ruling Class from We The People
Dear Ruling Class:
We The People are tired of running this country. We don’t want the responsibility that goes with being a voting member of a democratic republic. Please take away our right to vote.
We the People are tired of thinking. Thinking takes too much effort. Please tell us what we need to know in as few words as possible. Three word phrases are great. Nice and catchy. Easy to remember. Short and sweet.
We the People are tired of caring. We’re emotionally burnt out. Whether it’s abandoned puppies in animal shelters or polar bears starving in the Artic because of something that’s going on that takes too much thought to figure out – enough already. We get it. We’re supposed to care for these helpless creatures. But we can barely afford to feed our family and pay our rent. We just don’t have the emotional reserves to care about anything anymore.
We the People are tired of deciding what’s best for us. We want you to decide for us on some of the most basic decisions, especially when it comes to being pregnant. We want you to make the decision on whether our women should have the option of having an abortion or having an unwanted child. We want you to decide whether we should have access to birth control. Or even if we should know about birth control in the first place. That’s just too much responsibility for us.
We the People are tired of having our jobs shipped overseas. We want you to abolish the minimum wage, so that we may compete with workers in other countries on an equal footing. We know that in a competitive market, the lowest price gets the business and with the minimum wage, We the People cannot work for the lowest price.
We the People are tired of public education. Our kids complain about homework and testing all the time. Frankly, we’re tired of our children whining. Please take mandatory schooling laws off the books so we don’t have to send our kids to school any more. We’re tired of Back to School Night, of Science Fairs, and endless fundraising. Since public schools are failing, We the People are tired of wasting our tax money on them. Parents that want their kids to receive an education should pay for it out of their own pockets. Unless they send their children to a Christian School. In that case, we want our government to pay for it. It’s only fair, because we are a Christian Nation.
We the People are tired of hearing about things we can’t control. Things like the climate. Or safe drinking water. Or breathable air. Or safe food. We know you control the media, so please stop telling us we can’t drink the water or breath the air or eat certain foods. Time after time we have voted against GMO labeling. What part of “We don’t want to know” do you not understand?
We know that what is best for you is best for us, for you have told us so. And so we give you everything you want, and in return, you keep us safe from terrorists and gays and transgendered people using our bathrooms.
Oh, and thank you for repealing the assault weapons ban. We the People sleep soundly at night, comforted in the thought that we have more guns per person that any other civilized country on Earth. Just in case we need to kill an intruder. Or rise up in rebellion against a government that takes away our freedumbs.
In a disparate bid to stay relevant, GOP hopeful and Goodyear Blimp wannabe Governor Chris Christie announced a plan to change time. Not 1985 DeLorean change time, but a way his State will change the way time is measured.
Beginning with the onset of Daylight Savings Time, New Jersey will switch to a 10-hour day. That is, each 24 hour day will be divided into ten one-hour units. Each hour will consist of 100 minutes, and each minute will have 100 seconds.
“It’s a much easier way to keep track of time” the governor said, noting that with the ten-hour day, no one would have to count to twelve, or divide by sixty. “I mean, think about it. A quarter of a dollar equals 25 cents, but a quarter of an hour only equals 15 minutes? That’s nuts.”
The governor went on to explain that the change in measuring time will in no way affect the American worker. “An 8 hour day will still be an 8 hour day. And workers will still be entitled to overtime after 8 hours in a day or 40 hours in a week.”
When front-runner Donald Trump heard of Christie’s plan, he immediately jumped on the bandwagon, vowing to make weeks only 5 days long.