Dateline: Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The first of the Presidential Debates between Invisible Obama and Invisible Mitt will take place in Brodie, California. Brodie is a Ghost Town, a holdover from the glory days of the California Gold Rush, where such towns sprang up overnight, and were abandoned just as quickly when the ore ran out. Brodie was selected for its remoteness and lack of a living population.
Tweeter: Before we get going on tonight’s topics, which include the economy, health care and the role of government and governing, I want to ask each of you what you’ve done to prepare for tonight’s debates. Mitt?
IM: I’ve been doing a lot of aerobics. It really helps shake things up, so I can get a new position on everything.
IO: Me? I’ve just been doing a lot of leg lifts to stay in shape. (chuckles)
Tweeter: Mitt, I see you’re beginning with a blank slate. Any comment?
IM: I am fully prepared to take any position on anything you ask.
Tweeter: With that, let’s get started. First up is the economy. We had a booming economy when President Clinton left office. The budget was balanced, and we were even paying down the national debt. Eight years later, we were running massive deficits, the floor was falling out from under the stock market. hundreds of thousands of workers were being laid off each month. Invisible Obama, what have you done in the past three and a half years to turn this country around?
IO: Not enough, Tweeter. Yes, I got a stimulus bill through, but it was barely enough to keep the country from sliding into a Great Depression. But I had to agree to letting the very same people who drove the economy over the cliff keep their massive Bush Tax Cuts…that’s the only way I can ever get anything past the Republicans in the Senate.
IM: There you go, blaming Republicans for your failed policies. The stimulus didn’t work because it didn’t cut taxes enough, it didn’t cut regulations enough. If you really want to stimulate the economy, you have to stop taxing the job creators and get rid of wasteful government regulations. Now I’m all for children. God knows Ann popped out enough of them. But why keep them out of the labor force? Why not let them, if they’re industrious enough, go out and get a job and start taking advantage of all the opportunities this Great Country has to offer to get ahead in life. I’m a prime example of pulling myself up by my own bootstraps and making a name for myself.
IO: As I was saying before my illustrious opponent interrupted me, I have had to deal with Republican obstructionism in the Senate since Day One. That’s why I need to be re-elected, so I can continue to do the same things, only this time, I hope the voters toss out the ten Republicans that are up for re-election this year.
IM: (chuckling) Good luck with that! Zing! Oops, wasn’t supposed to say that.
IO: And I suppose you can do better?
Someone sent me this link to an article where anonymous claims to have “hacked the IRS database” and retrieved Romney’s tax records. It is really funny.
Here’s a few excepts that caught my eye:
Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul stated last week that “there has been no year in which Romney paid zero taxes”. In 2008, this was true. He earned $23,425,316 and paid $412.18 in federal income taxes. This calculates to a federal tax rate of 0.0018%. How did Romney get his tax burden so low? According to his return, he had approximately $23,407,000 in itemized deductions. These deductions ranged from $78,923 for “Toupee Creators Unlimited” and $41,826 for “Spray-on tan services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for a trip to Las Vegas with potential campaign donors. The Romney family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, two yacht captains, three pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one toupee stylist and a “live-in contortionist”. What someone does with a live-in contortionist, one can only speculate. However, the $891,064 Romney spent on an “EWS Donor Party at the Pennsylvania Mansion” might give us a clue. While the return does not indicate what “EWS” stands for, given that the deducted supplies for the party included “Venetian masks, alcohol, lubricant and various Egyptian leather accessories” it was most likely an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.
And then there is this part:
In addition to his wild nights, Romney also deducted health related expenses. These included $127,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. This may explain why the Republican nominee’s views seem to change dramatically depending on his audience. In fact, his recent string of political gaffes may be the direct result of his inability to keep up with the many competing “truths” he has spoken over the past year. According to noted Psychiatrist Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story.” According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 16% of Romney’s examined statements were found to be completely true.
Enjoy the laughs.
Guest host for this episode of Saturday Night Live was Alec Baldwin.
This is far more enjoyable to watch than the real thing… It will make you laugh, it will make you squirm.. Pretty much like the actual debates!
Lyrics by Insidiousprophet and posted with permission.
Hail, hail America,
Land of such greed,
Owned by corporations,
The bankers and Wall Street….
Unemployment in the millions,
Our jobs shipped overseas,
Wage war on the middle class,
The homeless fill the streets….
Represent the lobbyists,
Bailing out the banks,
Throw money at the war machine,
To wage war instead of peace….
Hail, hail America,
Land of the deceived,
Send our troops to foreign lands,
To die for corporate greed….
Tax cuts for the wealthy,
Austerity for the rest,
Pushed to the brink of poverty,
They cry out in protest….
Death to democracy,
The black robes have decided,
The fascists smile with glee….
Hail, hail America….
Hail, hail America….
Hail, hail America….
Hail, hail America….
The Zoo has obtained an advance copy of President Obama’s upcoming 2011 State of the Union Speech from an anonymous source. After vetting the copy using the same thorough vetting processes employed by renowned Fox News, we found it to be an authentic original draft of Obama’s intended remarks penned by his own hand on cocktail napkins from The Founding Father’s Bar and Grill.
STATE OF THE UNION, JANUARY 25, 2011
My Fellow Americans, Members of Congress, Members of the Press Corps and The Supremes Supreme Court Justices,
It is my obligation and duty under the Constitution of the United States to tell you all the State of the Union. And, as I stand here today, I can honestly tell you, the Union is fucked. We’re broke. We can’t pay our bills. And the only tax package Congress will pass is one that puts us further in the shithole.
Ten years ago, our country was in the black. We not only had a balanced budget, but we were actually paying down the National Debt. Now, I’m not usually one to talk smack about anybody, but President Bush blew it big-time. The first thing he did was to cut taxes for his wealthy buddies and put this country in the red. Then he attacked two countries, and paid for those wars with money he borrowed from Red China. Red China!
So, here we are, the Greatest Free Country in the World, and we owe our asses to the biggest Communist Country in the World. Like I said, we’re fucked.
And don’t get me started about education. Ten years of No Child Left Behind has cranked out the stupidest voting population ever. I mean, how else can you explain putting Republicans in charge of the Nation’s purse strings when it was the Republican Party who bankrupted this country in the first place? Now they want to take Jefferson out of American History and put a Calvinist Preacher in. They want to replace our science curriculum with a faith-based science education, so that when our kids ask ‘what makes this work’ or ‘what causes that’, the answer will always be “God.” Well God isn’t going to save our asses when we run out of oil and don’t have the technology in place for alternative energy sources. God isn’t going to clean up the pollution we create that’s slowly cooking our asses. We have to. But we don’t have the will to. We’re fucked.
And finally, I have to talk about the rise in violent rhetoric these past couple of years. You can’t put gun-sights on the districts of your opponents and not expect that some deranged nutbag isn’t going to act on your suggestion. You can’t talk about “Second Amendment Solutions,” about resorting to the Bullet Box instead of the Ballot Box, without knowing that there are crazy people out there, crazy people with access to assault rifles and 30-round clips of ammo, crazy people who, if they don’t get their way, would just as soon shoot everyone in sight. But you-all voted to end the ban on assault rifles, end the ban on these mega clips of ammo, then you go and talk this crazy-assed shit about targeting your opponents. Then you get all defensive and fake-horrified if someone actually does what you instigated. We’re fucked because we’ve got no system in place to keep crazy people from getting their hands on killer assault rifles. Now let me tell you something. I can give a good speech and talk about toning it down, and about coming together and have a Kum Bye Ya moment. But sooner or later some nutbag is going to seek revenge, and it’ll be YOUR house with the “Surveyor’s Marks” on it. Maybe then you’ll realize: you’re fucked.
But that brings me to another point. We’ve just seen the first politically motivated killings in quite some time. A nine-year old girl got shot in the back, because she happened to be at the wrong place. No parent should have to go through what her parents are going through. A federal judge, gunned down. A member of the House of Representatives critically wounded with a bullet through her brain. Six people dead and over a dozen wounded by someone who thought that government was the enemy. And he’s not the only one who thinks that way. That’s been the message from one side of the aisle since Reagan.
I talked to my kids about it. And Joe talked to his kids about it. And we came to the only reasonable conclusion we could: We’re not going to take a bullet for this country. We’re not going to see our kids take a bullet, either. And we’re not going to ask the good men and women in the Secret Service to take a bullet for us either. This country is just too damned fucked for it to be worth it.
Now I’ve spoken with the incoming Republican Majority in the House and they’ve assured me that unless they get their way, they’re going to shut this country down. And they can do it. They’re in charge of passing the budget, and the only budget they’re going to pass will gut the federal government, gut your social security and destroy the economy of the nation so that their rich cronies can take trillions of dollars out of this country and put it into their off-shore trust accounts. And they can do it. Absolutely, without a doubt, they will destroy this country in order to get their way. We’re fucked, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
But there is something Joe and I can do. We can quit. In fact, that’s the only way to keep the Republicans from shutting down this whole country in the next few weeks. So, effective immediately, both Joe and I submit our resignations. By operation of law, John Boehner, the Speaker of the House is now your President. Now you’re really fucked!
This is our Open Thread. Feel free to write on this or any other topic that comes to mind.
The media questions Rolling Stone’s access to Stanley McChrystal, and Gretchen Carlson knows what it’s like to have Obama’s tough job. She makes “executive decisions” on a daily basis. Fortunately for us, her decisions have no impact on governing our nation.