The Watering Hole: Wednesday, January 25, 2012: BREAKING GNUS — RNC TO CANCEL REST OF PRIMARIES!

In a stunning move, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus informed the Florida Secretary of State that his party was cancelling the Florida Primary, as well as the rest of the primaries set for later this spring. He held a press conference at 5:a.m. Eastern time to announce his decision.

“I’m glad you all could make it on such short notice” Priebus began, addressing the lone reporter who happened by on his way to a nearby Dunkin Donuts. Priebus continued:

We have three candidates, each of whom has won a primary. But their attacks on each other have been so dead-bang accurate that none of them are electable in a general election. I am therefore suspending the rest of the primary season to prevent the further destruction of the Republican Party.

Right now, the polls show that the only Republican Candidate who does not have a 50% plus disapproval rating from independent voters is Stephen Colbert. While I understand he has dropped out of the race for the President of the United States of South Carolina, it is my hope that I can convince him by the time we have our Convention to toss his hat into the ring for President of the United States of America. He alone can save the Republican Party.

The reporter immediately called Stephen Colbert for his comment on this startling revelation. “F— you, Stewart!” Colbert said, “Do you know what time it is? I am not coordinating with you on my Super PAC!”

Later, Colbert gave a prepared statement, “I am deeply honored by Reince Priebus’ call to serve this great country of ours. But before accepting, I would like to know if I get to choose my running mate, because Jane Fonda is hot. Next, I would like to know if I was elected, could I re-design the Oval Office to have some corners? Because I can think of a few Congressmen I would love to see stand in the corner.”

This be the Daily Open Thread. HAPPY HUMP DAY.

Colbert Super PAC SHH! – Apology to Ham Rove

From Raw Story:

Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert called out Raw Story Thursday for reporting that he had explained how money could be laundered to Karl Rove’s American Crossroads SuperPAC.

Unlike American Crossroads, Rove’s Crossroads GPS is a 501c4 organization that does not have to disclose its donors. Crossroads GPS can then transfer donations to the Americans Crossroads SuperPAC and the original donors remain secret.

Following Rove’s lead, Colbert created his own 501c4 organization called Colbert SuperPAC Shh! that would allow him to launder donations to the original Colbert SuperPAC.

So, on The Colbert Report last night, Stephen Colbert reads a letter sent to him from Karl Rove’s lawyer, and then offers a clarification regarding Karl Rove’s ‘money-laundering scheme’:

“So to undo the damage that I have unwittingly done to Karl’s otherwise spotless reputation, I will now issue a rare clarification. As his lawyer points out, Karl Rove has two pots of money: one that can take unlimited donations from anybody and has got to report who they are, and another way bigger pot of money that can take unlimited donations and they don’t have to report jack squat… There is no evidence of money laundering. And Karl’s lawyer specifically assures us that no money from Crossroads GPS will be laundered.”

Colbert then adds this:

“That is a promise from Karl Rove that if there is any dirty money, it will stay dirty.”

He then apologizes to ‘Ham Rove’..

Colbert Lauds Romney: ‘Corporations Are People, my friend’

While at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moine yesterday, Mitt Romney was asked about his stance on Social Security in a shoutout question from someone in the crowd.

Mitt Romney told an Iowa crowd on Thursday that the country should not raise taxes to shore up Medicare and Social Security because “corporations are people” too.

His response, as Stephen Colbert points out, showed how he “understands’ the average Joe..”

From The Colbert Report:

Mitt Romney’s historic statement of corporate personhood makes him this generation’s civil rights champion.

“Yes, corporations are people, my friend,” Colbert added. “They’re like members of your family. Your brother, fax machine. Your Uncle Ben. Your Aunt Annie. Your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy.”

Norwegian Muslish Gunman’s Islam-Esque Atrocity

Stephen Colbert NAILS this story.

From Raw Story:

In the wake of the twin tragedies in Norway late last week, many news outlets jumped to conclusions before suspect Anders Behring Breivik — a white Norwegian man — admitted to the crimes and was arrested. Many outlets underlined a jihadist connection and immediately jumped to conclusions that of course the attacker would be Muslim.

Way to “scoop reality,” Stephen Colbert congratulated those outlets on Monday’s “Colbert Report,” amongst clips of anchors expressing confidence that the attacks could be traced back to the Middle East, then confusion that a white man had been arrested.

“Even if there was a rush to judgement, we must not repeat that mistake by rushing to accuracy,” Colbert mocked. “Just because the confessed murderer is a blonde, blue-eyed Norwegian born anti-Muslim crusader does not mean that he’s not a swarthy ulalating Middle Eastern madman!”

“Which is more plausible: That a non-Muslim did this, or that al-Qaeda has developed Polyjuice Potion?” he asked.

The Famous Ride of Paul Revere

By  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year… [I guess that explains it]

Showing the now famous clip of Sarah Palin, sharing her own version of historical events (the ride of Paul Revere) during her recent visit to North Boston, Colbert had this to say: “I could not have said a random string of words better..”

Stephen decides to prove that Paul Revere could have ridden a horse while ringing a bell and firing multiple warning shots from a front-loading musket.

After Sarah Palin was called out this week  by Chris Wallace of FOX News on her messup of historical facts, this was her response:

You know what? I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere. Here is what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that the British were coming, the British were coming, and they were going to try take our arms, and we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves and shoring up all of ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn’t take it.

And then this:

“In a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

This all came about, of course, due to the vile ‘gotcha’ question put to Palin by the lamestream media:

What have you seen so far today [in Boston], and what are you going to take away from your visit?

Here’s that video:

Her response to the ‘gotcha’ question:

“We saw where Paul Revere hung out as a teenager, which was something new to learn. And, you know, he who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure, as he is riding his horse through town, to send those warning shots and bells, that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”

Raise the debt ceiling? That is SO 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, and twice in 2008..

I just love how Stephen Colbert slices through to the heart of any issue, and lays bare the absurdity, and the utter hypocrisy, for all to see.

From Colbert Nation:

Republicans show their Tea Party base that they’re against raising the debt ceiling, while reassuring Wall Street that it’s political theater.

Pap Smears at Walgreens? Who’d a thunk…

In this episode of The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert, President Obama celebrates at the Lincoln Memorial, Sen. Jon Kyl rounds up abortion statistics to the nearest 90, and “Fox & Friends” explains why there’s no need for Planned Parenthood.

I can’t believe Stephen was able to keep a straight face as long as he did.. If I’d have had a beverage in my hand, and was drinking from it, it would have shot straight out my nose!

Colbert, once again on a roll, followed up with this amazing piece of work:

I’m afraid Jon Kyl will need to change his name after this. This was so “OUT THERE”, he’ll never be able to live this down. If you don’t believe me, check out this Twitter page! I’m afraid this man has lost ALL credibility.

It is simply amazing to me how loose and free some of these Republicans are with the numbers.. and the truth for that matter. It’s embarrassing.

UPDATE: I guess I should have mentioned that all this kerfuffle was about a ‘mis-statement’ (well, gross exaggeration) that Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) made on the floor of the Senate while arguing for a ‘policy rider’ to the funding bill that would defund Planned Parenthood. In his argument, he made the false claim that over 90% of what services Planned Parenthood provides goes for abortions.

Senator Kyl: Everybody goes to clinics, to doctors, to hospitals, so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don’t have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that’s well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.

It wasn’t entirely accurate.. Only 3% of services provided by Planned Parenthood go towards abortions, and zero percent of those are paid for by tax dollars. When called out for his enormous error in math, and in an attempt for Kyl to walk it back, a statement from Senator Kyl’s office was released and reported on by CNN including this little catchphrase: “His remark was not intended to be a factual statement..”

Stephen Colbert took Kyl to task for it in these videos. Colbert then started the Twitter craze. This won’t be forgotten any time soon.

Sunday Roast: “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing”

Reason?  Sanity?  Yes, please.

200,000 people on the Washington Mall, celebrating the fact that we are more alike than we are different; proclaiming to the world and the media that we WILL NOT live our lives in fear; and that we will not be manipulated into voting against our own best interests.

This is us.

This is our daily open thread.  Share whatever’s on your mind.

Colbert: Fox News Can’t Tell Black People Apart

From TPM:

Stephen Colbert said last night that he thinks it was an “innocent mistake” that Greta Van Susteren used footage of Shirley Sherrod instead of Maxine Waters the other day on her Fox News show. “It could have happened to anyone…whose producers can’t tell black people apart.”

Colbert also pointed out that though Fox News has the highest ratings in cable news, only 1.38% of their viewers are black. He had his people break down who those viewers are, and found that “45% are trapped in the waiting room of a Jiffy Lube, 7% are white people who just enjoy watching Fox News in blackface, 25% said Glenn Beck’s name three times in the mirror and his show appeared, and the remaining 23% is Juan Williams.”

THIS was funny..

South Carolina’s 4th District Primary – Bob Inglis

The Colbert Report: “Bob Inglis should quit Congress and get a job at Olive Garden to convince the people of South Carolina he’s not an incumbent.”

This was pretty funny.. Colbert does his leading questions where Inglis is supposed to finish that sentence..

Colbert says: “Complete this sentence. Barack Obama was born in…”

Inglis replies: “Not Hawaii.”

Hmmmm… I can’t believe Inglis would have answered that way, even if he was joking..

Colbert & Stewart’s take on the defeating of the Public Option

Stephen Colbert says “Send your medical bills to Max Baucus”.

Jon Stewart wants to know why Democrats can’t pass the public option since getting a super majority in the Senate.

I knew that both attempts at passing the ‘Public Option’ were shot down, but what I did NOT know until I watched this video was that the Senate Finance Committee voted to fund abstinence-only education to the tune of $50 million per year through 2014. Huh..?! Gotta love those priorities..

Colbert talking tasers..

On Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report” Monday, Stephen reported how Tasers are an effective tool for any law enforcement situation. Well, somehow I don’t think he was serious..

He shows the absurdity of news reporters allowing themselves to be ‘tased’ for dramatic effect.. He points out that Glen Beck should should wait until after he is tased to have facial spasms..

Then he ended with the story of a 72-year-old great-grandmother who was tased for refusing to sign her parking ticket. “Some say the police may may have gone too far..” Ya think?