Sunday Roast: Veruca Salt Award-Jennifer Rubin

Washington Post Blogger Jennifer Rubin has earned herself the Veruca Salt Award. She is notoriously unable to deal with facts she hasn’t invented herself. So small wonder when someone contradicts her introducing such facts she channels Veruca Salt and asks for the person to be muted.

Congratulations Mrs Rubin, this is not really the Pulitzer, but as close to an award on your “journalistic” work you’ll ever get.

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Veruca Salt Award — Ginni Thomas!!

Yesterday, I heard that Mrs Clarence Thomas — Ginni to her teabagger friends — had reached out and touched Anita Hill.  Might as well keep it in the family, I always say.  “Zooey,” I thought

Veruca Salt

to myself, “the Veruca Salt Award committee needs to have a meeting.”  The guy sitting next to me on the bus tightened his grip on the handle of his briefcase and averted his gaze, which is the usual indication that I’m thinking aloud.  Again.  But I digress…

It seems that after 20 years, our Ginni felt a burning desire to mend fences, so she got up bright and early on a Saturday morning, called Anita Hill’s office at Brandeis University, and left a chatty message re-introducing herself, and asking Ms Hill to give some thought to her offer of an explanation and an apology.

Waitaminute, what!?  I can see the wheels turning.  You’re thinking, “Why so cranky, Z?  Clarence Thomas wants to apologize for putting Ms Hill through all that crap…”  No, no, no, this is the Veruca Salt Award, remember? Mrs Thomas — Ginni to her bar friends — was asking Ms Hill to give her and husband an apology.  The ‘offer’ was to allow Ms Hill to apologize to the Thomases.

I know, right?  That chin dropping to your chest is one of the best indicators of an oncoming Veruca Salt Award.

Here’s the text of the message Ginni confirms she left on Ms Hill’s answering machine:

Good morning, Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. OK, have a good day.

First, I wonder how long Ms Hill laughed after hearing that message — and how wide was her satisfied grin while turning it over to the FBI?  Wish I could have seen that.  Heh.

Second, can you picture the ‘WTF?’ look on Clarence Thomas’ face when he heard that?  I mean seriously, a whole generation who weren’t around back then, having used the Google, are now thinking, “He said what about his Coke can!??  OMFG!  LOLz!!”  Way to go Gin-ster.


Gee thanks, Ginni


Is this some sort of diabolical revenge-taking by our Ginni on her husband for some unknown (to us anyway) offense?  Is Ginni spending too much time with vermouth and olive?  Or, is Ginni a ready-for-The Jerry Springer Show prima donna whose teabagger bravado has finally torn down the wall between prudence and entitlement?  Yeah, I’m liking that last one.

Finally, did you catch our Ginni’s phrasing on the message?  She wants an explanation/apology about what Ms Hill “did with [her] husband.”  Not ‘to’ her husband, but “with” him.  What’s up with that?  Apparently, our Ginni thinks Ms Hill was an active and/or willing participant in her husband’s disgusting behavior — probably because that’s what her hubbie told her.  I wonder if Ginni or Clarence can spell D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L?

It’s been a while since our last presentation ceremony, but the vote in the committee meeting was unanimous that Ginni deserved it.  So I was a little hungover this morning, and I wasn’t sure where the award had landed after Hillary Clinton threw it at my head (and thank goodness Hank Paulson didn’t show up for his awards ceremony), but after digging around a bit, I found it under a pile of empty Doritos bags, Red Bull cans, and Mardi Gras beads.  Scrape off the barnacles, give it a spit shine, and we’re good to go!!


Veruca Salt Award — Henry M. Paulson Jr

It’s been a while since I awarded the Veruca Salt Award.  Not because there hasn’t been anyone deserving the Award — we’ll never be that good — but because I’m so jaded nothing has really taken my breath away like it used to.  Laziness is in there too, one of the top five reasons for sure.

Here’s a re-cap of what the Veruca Salt Award is about:

Veruca Salt

Veruca Salt

The Veruca Salt Award is named in honor of the character from the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Veruca is a spoiled rotten child, whose parents treat her like a princess, who thinks she can take whatever she wants whenever she wants it, and her wants and desires rise above all else. She embodies the Deadly Sin of Greed, with touches of Envy and Wrath. A thoroughly unpleasant character, naturally she ends up in the garbage chute.

Who is Henry M. Paulson Jr, and why has he been chosen for this prestigious award?  I’m glad you asked.

Mr Paulson is the current Secretary of the Treasury under George W. Bush, and

Henry M. Paulson, Jr

Henry M. Paulson, Jr

really, if you don’t know who he is, you’re seriously not paying attention.  Paulson comes from a nice family in Illinois, Eagle Scout, English major at Dartmouth, MBA from Harvard Business School (slightly tarnished), Staff Assistant to the Assistant Secretary of Defense under Nixon, assistant to John Erlichman (uh oh), former CEO of Goldman Sachs, husband, father, grandfather, and bird-watcher.

Soooo, if you’ve been living in a cave in the mountains of Idaho, and only had basic cable, you might not have heard about a certain crisis in our financial institutions, which are in need of a monstrous bailout — to the tune of $700 billion — yes, BILLION.

Mr Paulson put together a legislative proposal to allow the Treasury to purchase all those worthless mortgages, and bailout the financial institutions who have been on a drunken speculation joyride for years, and finally had two wheels hanging over the edge of Depression Cliff.

Here’s the breath-taking, award-winning section:

Sec. 8. Review.

Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.


I mean, just how big are Mr Paulson’s balls anyway?  Got a wheelbarrow…?

Paulson sez:  Give me $700 BILLION of your tax dollars, and I’ll fix everything.  Trust me. Really, would I lie to you?

Mr Hubris Paulson, here’s your prize.

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Veruca Salt Award — Hillary Clinton!

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The first ever Veruca Salt Award given by TheZoo, after much deliberation by the committee, has been awarded to Hillary Rodham Clinton. Actually, we couldn’t think of anyone more deserving…Veruca Salt

The Veruca Salt Award is named in honor of the character from the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Veruca is a spoiled rotten child, who’s parents treat her like a princess, who thinks she can take whatever she wants whenever she wants it, and her wants and desires rise above all else. She embodies the Deadly Sin of Greed, with touches of Envy and Wrath. A thoroughly unpleasant character, naturally she ends up in the garbage chute.

The awards committee has had their eye on Hillary Clinton for some time now, but this story written by Willyloman, on his blog the American Everyman, finally tipped the scales in her favor.

Hillary’s response to Barack Obama’s speech on race in America was typically snide and condescending:

“That’s the difference between me and my opponent. My opponent makes speeches. I offer solutions. It is one thing to get people excited. I want to empower you,”

“Now, over the years, you’ve heard plenty of promises from plenty of people in plenty of speeches. And some of those speeches were probably pretty good. But speeches don’t put food on the table. Speeches don’t fill up your tank, or fill your prescription, or do anything about that stack of bills that keeps you up at night,” Reuters

Willyloman took note of Hillary’s words, and posted these astonishing numbers from her recently released tax returns.


Including, among other items:

  • Senator Clinton’s Senate Salary: $1,051,606
  • President Clinton’s Presidential Pension: $1,217,250
  • Senator Clinton’s Book Income: $10,457,083
  • President Clinton’s Book Income: $29,580,525
  • President Clinton’s Speech Income: $51,855,599

52 million dollars puts a lot of food on the table for most Americans.

Well stated, Willyloman. What about that stack of bills…?

And since they are given free universal health-care, on our dime, she isn’t spending any nights up worrying about those bills either. Can’t say the same for her campaign staff though.

That’s right, the Clinton campaign failed to pay the health insurance bills for her staff. Maybe they should make speeches…?

Even this isn’t enough to qualify Ms Clinton for an award as prestigious as the Veruca Salt Award, you say? Well, here are a few things that pushed our winner to the top of the heap:

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