Once again, Tweeter, The Zoo’s premier investivative journalist, is first on the scene and first with the news of Presumptive Presidential Candidate of the Republican Party, Mitt “Corporations are People” Romney’s Vice Presidential Pick.
Sources closest to the candidate revealed Halliburton was going to get the nod. It was a tough call, as the choice of potential running mates eventually narrowed down to just three: Academi, formerly Xe, formerly Blackwater; Bain Capital; and Halliburton.
Academi, a favorite with the gun crowd and evangelical christians, was felt to be a little too militaristic. Romney’s fears they might pull of a coup finally scratched the paramilitary force. It was also thought that with its frequent name-changes, it has lost its once-famous brand recognition. “People know and love Blackwater. But the meme at least since the days of Reagan have been to distrust Academia.” one source commented. In the end, it was decided to keep Academi on the side, perhaps reserving a cabinet post for the Corporation.
Bain Capital was Romney’s favorite going into the selection process. But backgrond checks revealed Corporate plans to leverage a buyout of the Executive Branch. Negotiations ensued regarding Romney’s golden parachute from the buyout, and whether he could enjoy his term to completion, then retroactively give up the Presidency to Bain Capital. Negotiations broke down, however, when Romney insisted he be given Rhode Island as part of his severance.
That left Halliburton. It is well-connected, has loads of foreign policy experience, and has an added plus of the backing of former VP Dick Cheney. The fact that it is now headquartered on foreign soil didn’t seem to bother the Presumptive Presidential Pick. “Lot’s of Americans live overseas. I don’t see why we should treat Halliburton any different than any other red-blooded American Patriot.” Romney was reported to say.
Unfortunately, just minutes before Romney was to make his historic announcement, Halliburton called and declined. “I took a long, hard look at the balance sheet, and untimately concluded that it wouldn’t be profitable, on a cost-benefit analysis, to be tied up for 4-8 years as VP.” Halliburton reportedly told Romney in a call to his cell phone just before he stepped on the stage to announce his pick. “I’m hoping to be named Secretary of Commerce.” Halliburton told reporters later.
Shaken by this last-minute turn of events, Romney approached the podium where he promptly introduced Paul Ryan as the next President of the United States. And, with that slip of the tongue, Paul Ryan became Mitt Romney’s VP Pick.
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