DATELINE: June, 2012

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Hillary Clinton has just clinched the Democratic Party’s nomination to be candidate for President of the United States. The Democratic Party, driven underground since it was outlawed 6 months into the McCain presidency, announced the results of their clandestine primaries via short-wave radio broadcasts from undisclosed locations across the country. Five HAM radio operators and their equipment were taken into custody as Blackwater’s Homeland Security Teams quickly closed in on their broadcasts. They will be taken to the re-education camps to be purified.

The second year of drought has scorched the Midwest again, and farm production is off 50% from last year’s low. The Surgeon General reports that as a result of higher food prices and the unavailability of beef, pork or poultry, obesity has been eradicated from America’s children. On the down-side, the diet industry suffered a major setback with the twin closings of both Weight-Watchers and Jenny Craig.

Illegal immigration has declined to the point it is virtually non-existent, President McCain announced. “The collapse of the agricultural industry in California and the Midwest had the unexpected side benefit of eliminating illegal immigration.” Said McCain in a White House press release. “We noticed a first big dip in the numbers right after the Greenland ice shelf collapse caused a salt-water intrusion that covered much of California’s central valley.”

Although it’s been three years since McCain has made any public appearances, he continues to issue press-releases on a daily basis. These press releases indicate McCain suffered no serious side effects from the stroke he suffered 6 months into his Presidency.

In the field of education, the Federal Government completed its takeover of local schools this month, 2 full years ahead of the 2014 mandate in the revised No Child Left Behind Act. Vice-President Palin’s Science for the 21st Century curriculum is largely credited for the rapid federal takeover as science teachers across the country were either terminated or re-educated. Now that all public schools are federally operated, Palin intends to unveil her new History for the 21st Century plan at the upcoming RNC convention.

Finally, the War on Terror is continuing to move forward with new gains on the ground in the middle east. Al Qaeda is on the run in Iraq, Iran, Syria and Israel/Jordan. The Taliban’s grip on Afghanistan has been reduced to under 60% of that country. “We gained an immense tactical advantage over Al Qaeda when I ordered the nuking of every major city in Iran.” McCain said. “Their places of refuge gone, they have been driven back to the nomadic lifestyles of their ancestors.” Meanwhile, a team of archeologists announced that they have uncovered the Gates of Hell, and expect to find Bin Laden there shortly.

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