The College of Cardinals, unhappy with the liberal bent of Pope Francis, have shut down the Catholic Church.
Church bells were silenced this morning as Parish Priests around the globe sullenly posted the shut-down notices on cathedral doors. For the first time in centuries, no Mass was held this morning. Vatican City was closed to all visitors as an erie silence descended upon its streets and halls.
The shutdown notices stated:
Until His Eminance returns to the traditional values of the Catholic Church, these doors will remain closed. The College of Cardinals regrets any inconvenience this shut down has caused. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.
The effects of the shutdown were not immediately felt outside of Vatican City. In the United States, parishoners simply went back home and watched football. Some stopped long enough to comment.
“Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”
“This is all Pope Francis’ fault. If he hadn’t started embracing atheists and gays we wouldn’t be shut out of our place of worship.”
“The Pope is supposed to represent God here on earth. For the past two thousand years, God hated gays and atheists and Protestants. Why change now? This is the Devil’s work. We’re at the end of times for sure.”
Economists warn this shutdown, if it lasts more than a couple of weeks, could have a direct effect on the global economy. Millions of dollars that used to flow to the Vatican every Sunday will now be spent locally. On the other hand, charity and missionary work will run out of funds before the end of the year.
Michelle Bachmann took to the morning talk show circuit this morning, praising the shutdown. “The Catholic Church is nothing more than a massive socialist government disguising itself as a religious organization that redistributes wealth from the job creators to the poor. It’s about time someone shut it down so the people will be free to practice their own religion and come to know that Jesus Christ is coming down to Earth and save all true believers. We’re living in the End Times now. Praise Jesus for this blessed shutdown!”
GIVE US THIS THREAD, OUR SUNDAY ROAST,
AND FORGIVE US OUR COMMENTS,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO COMMENT AGAINST US,
AND LEAD US NOT INTO TYPOS,
BUT DELIVER US FROM MISSPELLINGS
FOR THINE IS THE POSTING,
THE REPLYING,
AND THE INTERNET
FOREVER AND EVER
AMEN
TheZoo 
A brilliant post BnF.
Agreed!
thank you both.
Yeah awesome. And I always suspected you had a direct line to Michele Bachmann.
The Mrs. says it’s not difficult – you just have to think like a religious lunatic! 😆
thanks for the great post!…..
That was really creative and funny.
I’d like to help, of course, so maybe a rewrite of the Rosary?
Hail Mary, full of Grapes
Blessed art thee amongst Lemons
And Blessed are all the Vatican Fruits in thy room . . .
Jesus! What a mess!
😯
Is “fruits” politically correct?
Yep. 😉
AND LEAD US NOT INTO TYPOS,
BUT DELIVER US FROM MISSPELLINGS
So, this prayer is to the admins, whose power is to correct those typos and mispellings?
😆
Speaking of which, the typo in the title has been
corredtedcorrecrdfixed.. . . embracing athiests and gays . . . 😀
suddenly everyone’s an editor!
🙂
You tell’m BnF. We can’tlive by their rules.
Shutdown/debt ceiling takeaway from the Sunday shows:
Democrats are ‘moving the goalposts’, because they started asking for things we wanted, because the Teabaggers wouldn’t give up any of theirs. Once again, it’s only a compromise if they get 98% of what they want.
The teabaggers are saying they’re already compromising – they wanted to repeal ObamaCare and now they’re offering to only defund it for a year, and in return they’re willing to let the gubmint continue borrowing money for 6 more weeks.
They want to make President Obama come to Congress every six weeks, with his hands out, begging for more money. It’s nothing more than a massive extortion scheme.
The Democrats have not changed anything. These Tea Bag Party people are forking crazy.
“Democrats are ‘moving the goalposts’, because they started asking for things we wanted”
remember folks, you heard it here first!
Why Giving Republican Bullies a Bloody Nose Isn’t Enough
next they’ll be wanting the nucular armament codes in return for not destroying the gubmint.
Newt Gingrich on Face the Nation – “This is the President of the United States, who is dramatically trying to change the country in a variety of ways: Obamacare, the stimulus, you name it, making a decision, that he wants to be legislator-in-chief and that he’s prepared to run a very tough fight.”
Newt never got over the stimulus? How did the stimulus dramatically change the country, aside from rescuing the economy the Republicans nearly killed?
Newt Gingrich is nothing but an egomaniacal drama queen, which is why he uses words like “dramatically.” He spews nothing but overblown rhetoric.
“dramatically trying to change the country in a variety of ways” like preventing a Great Depression, caring for the sick and the poor – certainly a change from Bush’s “Unitary Executive” where it was treason to speak out against the Unitary Executive in a time of war.
That would all fall under ‘you name it’, of course.
But, but, but, the Republics don’t want to look back at other presidencies UNLESS it serves their needs.
He also mocked the head of the IMF, Christine Lagarde, because we all know he’s much smarter than she is. 🙂
Neutered Gingrich – a legend in his own mind.
Republicans loved the stimulus went Bush did it, but seem to have a different opinion about Obama doing it. Gosh, it’s a mystery to me why.
well, when Bush did it, he just threw massive amounts of money to his banker friends with no accountability, no strings.
Obama immediately demanded accountability and added strings – suddenly a stimulus didn’t look so attractive to Republicans anymore. Also, Obama wanted to help out the working class and the poor. Too, Obama’s a ni….. .
When Bush did it, he shipped billions of dollars to Iraq where it mysteriously disappeared.
Newt is on Candy Crowley’s show too. I can’t believe it! He didn’t interrupt Anita Dunn!
Newt needs something to do like maybe find another wife.
“Frankly, I thought going to confession was stupid. I mean, I had to do it every week. Most of the time I just made something up so the priest wouldn’t think I was hiding anything.”
Yup, that’s pretty much what I started thinking in grammar school.
loved the Hokie video….and here’s to Frankie the Fixer. Keep plugging away man, if you ever make it to New Mexico, I’ll buy you a cold one at the Pink Slipper!
Speaking of making it to New Mexico, if we ever get settled into a new house here in Oregon, we are considering a trip to New Mexico next August. If it materializes, I will be in contact. Perhaps we can “meet up”. 🙂
that would be cool!
The Pink Slipper Eh?
That could get interesting.
Brian Schweitzer on Candy Crowley’s CNN show: “This is the legislative body. They ought to be working this thing out, not rushing over to the president and saying ‘solve our problem’. He’s there with the pen at the end, but the legislative branch has got to solve this.”
Spoken like the governor he is, who actually understands how the political system is supposed to work. Obama shouldn’t be blamed for what the Republicans are unwilling to do.
Republicans are sleazy and this proves that they can’t be trusted.
Animal farm comes to mind.
what assholes….this was rigged from day 1. voted for in closed committee October 1.
The Resolution passed the House:
http://www.opencongress.org/vote/2013/h/505.
According to this, on October 1, Republicans changed the House Rules so that only Boehner can call a vote to end the shutdown. He owns this — and all of its consequences, globally. The 221 that voted for it (including 7 democrats & the 4 who abstained) also own this shutdown – they gave Boehner the power to extort anything and everything he can under the threat of global economic catastrophy.
I wonder what this is doing for gun sales. Sure, you can’t buy a gun without a background check & the government shutdown has put a halt to that, but that doesn’t affect sales at gun shows….
I always admired Goldwater, and not because I lived in AZ back in the early sixties when he began his presidential campaign. He was probably the last truly decent Republican to run for President; today, he’d be booted out of the party as a Socialist. Why? Lots of reasons. He was instrumental in integrating the Phoenix Union School District in the early fifties; he and his brother Bob were instrumental in the process of allowing the first black golfer to play on the PGA tour in the Phoenix Open; he was admired and supported by both the Hopi and Navajo People in AZ (who did NOT get along with each other, and hadn’t for several centuries at least); he was instrumental in integrating the Arizona Air National Guard, which he commanded in the fifties.
Goldwater was the only Republican presidential candidate I ever voted for.
Here are a handful of Goldwater quotes, most from his later years; they pretty much tell the tail as to why he would no longer fit in the GOP:
Great post BnF!
Considering I was raised to believe that God knew everything we did and our very thoughts (sort of like Santa) I could never understand the need for confession.
The internet would be a better place if everyone agreed with “forgive us our comments, as we forgive those who comment against us”.
I just came home from the town my son lives in, the “gateway to the Skyline Drive”. Normally, even with the endlessly rainy weather we’ve been having, the roads would be crowded. The roadside stands with apple and pumpkins would be open and people would be pulled over buying. Restaurant parking lots would be full. Instead, I had the road to myself, and even though I’d decided to buy a pumpkin just to help out the folks who are losing their customers, the farmstands were closed. Thanks a lot GOP!
Happy 72, Paul Simon. And Chevy was 70 five days ago.
Another episode of “Why I Love The First Amendment”
Tell him for me “Show me that your care whether our children and grandchildren have clean water to drink, clean air to breathe, and safe and wholesome food to eat and then maybe I’ll listen to what you think is important for us to leave to our descendents.”
With the “@ChuckGrassley” I’d have to add to the beginning, that would be 114 characters too many. 🙂
It’s time for…Your Sunday LOLcats – Rabbit’s Foot Edition
Damn, there are some funny ones today. The cat letter/squirrel carrier is very clever.
Apologies if someone already posted this here. I easily lose track of my sources.
http://www.alternet.org/fracking/one-mans-clever-idea-fight-frackers-and-save-his-organic-farm
Ahh the Catholic church. Anyone seen The Borgias? (Was on Showtime). I watched it all on DVD. just finished the final season yesterday. Wow. Even if it isn’t 100% factual.